As a parent, I want my kids to be successful in all they do. I also want them to be safe. Fortunately, I recently learned an important lesson on this, which came from my wife:
“Reward all acts of bravery.”
Let’s take a moment to define bravery. To me, bravery is a reaction to fear, not its absence. Also, the fear needn’t be life-or-death; any event that elicits adequate fear is an opportunity for bravery.
Lately, my kids have been showing much bravery, which has prompted me to hesitantly do the same.
Part of my job as a parent is to lay the groundwork that will produce productive, happy, and fulfilled members of adult society. I hope they’ll be organized, contributing adults with a sense of independence and satisfaction. That starts small and I’m not so hot at letting it happen. Here are a few examples.
My daughter, 12, has taken an interest in cooking. This is great, as it’s precisely the type of life skill I’ve got in mind. She recently made brownies, and I was in the kitchen supervising. I made sure she used pot holders, prepared the mix well, buttered the pan, set the timer correctly, and read the recipe thoroughly. When the task was finished, I told my wife, “Look, she made brownies.”
“No,” my wife said, “you made brownies.”
As a person who must make an effort to stay organized and productive, I assume others do, too. When those “others” are the people I care about most, I’m compelled to make an extra effort to ensure their success. However, I’m seeing, that effort can be more of a hindrance than a help. I’m not letting them actually learn how to do it. If I want them to learn to make brownies, I must let them … make brownies. Not be hovering over them. Yes, the first couple times they do something instruction is involved, but not after they know how to do it.
Brownie-adjacent is not making brownies.
The same goes for keeping a tidy room, putting laundry away, or staying on top of end-of-school projects and responsibilities. When you’re 10 and 12, taking any of this on solo is an act of bravery, especially when they know exactly what to do. It’s time for them to step up and dad to step back.
Instruct, make sure the skills have transferred, and then give your child the opportunity to practice the skills you’ve taught them so they can take ownership of them.