Unitasker Wednesday: Aquasonic Wave Jewelry Cleaning System

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

My grandmother and mother both worked for years in jewelry stores. My husband’s uncle and his three sons and their wives own a chain of jewelry stores and are professional jewelry designers. And let me tell you what none of these people would recommend for ways to clean your jewelry: putting it in the dishwasher. Although it may work, there are certainly safer and less expensive ways to get your jewelry cleaned than by using the Aquasonic Wave Jewelry Cleaning System:

The idea of putting jewelry in the dishwasher completely terrifies me. If anything were to happen, your favorite necklace or ring could easily fit right down the drain! Ack!

And at $54, this device is more expensive than many sonic professional jewelry cleaning units and pretty much every at home cleaning method that is safer. The device also comes with a 10-week supply of a proprietary antibacterial gel that you then get to order replacement packs for so the price of the device keeps going up.

I’m going to be stressed out the rest of the day just thinking about this.

Unitasker Wednesday: Hands Finger Puppets

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I’m certain there is nothing I could possibly write for this week’s unitasker selection that would be as entertaining (and/or disturbing) as the following image. Introducing Hands Finger Puppets:

Unitasker Wednesday: Electric Mac and Cheese Maker

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

CVS is a great place to pick up a prescription and a new toothbrush. It’s also where my husband’s college buddy found this week’s unitasker selection: the Electric Mac and Cheese Maker:

He’s convinced manufacturers are trolling consumers. I might have to agree with him. An entire electric appliance dedicated to making macaroni and cheese is bonkers. There is simply no other word for it — bonkers.

On the positive side, the device appears to be made by a company called Cheese Nation. As far as company names go, that one’s amazing. “Where do you work?” “Cheese Nation.” Brilliant.

Last day for bonus chapter and a non-unitasker on Unitasker Wednesday

In lieu of our regular Unitasker Wednesday post, I have a couple other items on tap today. First, I have a reminder to share and second, I have an almost-unitasker that managed to save itself from unitaskerdom.

The reminder: Today is the last day to sign up for a FREE bonus chapter when you pre-order my next book Never Too Busy to Cure Clutter. You can find out more about the giveaway in our previous post “The ultimate uncluttered gift,” or you can simply go straight to the form to register your purchase. (I’m emailing the chapters manually, so expect it to take a few hours for me to send it to you after you register. I mangled my attempt at writing a script to automatically send the PDF.)

Thank you to everyone who has already pre-ordered my book and/or will purchase it in the future. Thank you, thank you!

The almost-unitasker: My friend Zac is a wee-bit obsessed with his fur child, a dog named Kaylee. (She’s cute, so I can’t really blame him for his adoration.) Zac regularly posts pictures of her to his Facebook feed, and over the years I’ve watched the puppy grow into a dog and go on many adventures (mostly to the vet and dog park).

Yesterday, Zac posted a picture of a greeting card he got the dog for her birthday. My first thought was, UNITASKER! The dog can’t read!! And I was all set to use the line of dog greeting cards as this week’s Unitasker Wednesday feature. But then I went to the link he posted and realized the cards are made of raw hide and the dog can eat the card — should eat the card — and I immediately changed my mind:

If only more manufacturers were this creative and utilitarian in their designs. It’d be nice if all holiday cards had alternate purposes — such as the ones you can plant because there are seeds in the biodegradable paper. Oh! Or they could be temporary tattoos so all your friends could wear your face on their biceps for a few days. (I totally need to do this next year.) Anyway, good on Crunchkins for thinking outside the envelope.

Unitasker Wednesday: Jello shot makers

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

In college, my over-age-21 friends and I may have thrown the occasional kegger. I’m not saying we did, but if we did, we would have also supplied our guests with Jello shots. Hypothetically, providing this burst of color, booze, sugar, and gelatin took a bit of planning and forethought, as the shots took awhile to solidify and required plastic cups, Jello, vodka, and quite a decent amount of refrigerator shelving to be made successfully.

One thing I could have learned from this experience (if we’d really thrown such parties) is that freezing Jello shots is a bad idea — there is water in a Jello shot and freezing forms crystals instead of the preferred smooth texture of a shot. It’s fine if the alcohol comes from the freezer, but the shot needs to set up in the refrigerator. Which is just one of many reasons the 4-piece Jello Shot Maker is a bad idea from the get-go:

Also, it’s only 4 pieces. Who would ever make just FOUR Jello shots? I find that implausible.

And so do the people at Jevo, who believe Jello shots are in such high demand that you need an Automated Jello Shot Maker:

It’s like a Keurig, but for Jello shots!

Unless you work in a dance club that regularly installs black lighting and provides glo-sticks for patrons, I’m not sure who the target market is for this device. But, I guess if you’re in college and have a spare $650 plus more for supplies, maybe this one is for you?? (Though, I doubt it.)

Honestly, my favorite thing about the Jevo device is that it’s WiFi enabled. Yes, WiFi enabled. That’s certainly one thing it has going for it that our simple stovetop-to-refrigerator Jello shot making method didn’t have. Hypothetically, of course.

Unitasker Wednesday: Scallion cutter

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

If you are reading this post, my assumption is you own a kitchen knife. And if you own a decent kitchen knife (decent=not falling apart, sharp), you don’t have a need for this doozie of a unitasker. The scallion cutter:

In case it isn’t obvious, the purpose of the scallion cutter is to cut up scallions to use in food or as garnishes for food. Scallions, and only scallions.

Ooooof. Instead of lamenting yet another knife replacement, please enjoy this educational YouTube video containing instructions for how to use a knife to cut scallions six different ways:

Unitasker Wednesday: Clip-on man bun

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

My friend David has long-ish hair. It brushes the top of his shoulders and he usually wears it down. When he wears it up, though, he wears it in a man bun (like in the popular style a million famous male actors, models, and professional sports players seem to be donning lately).

Recently, David was considering cutting off his hair, but hasn’t yet gone through with it because he’s not ready to part with his man bun styling option. And then yesterday, I came across the perfect solution for his “problem.” It appears his love affair with his man bun doesn’t have to end if he cuts off his hair! All he needs is a $10 clip-on man bun:

I’m just looking out for my friend David and all the rest of you man-bun wanters.

Heh.

Unitasker Wednesday: Pros/Cons notepad

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I love cutie stationery and have more notebooks, note cards, and sticky notes than the average bear. However, when Jeri emailed me a link to this notepad I had to laugh. If ever there was a reason not to have a specialty pad of paper, this obvious unitasker is certainly it. The Pros/Cons Notepad:

I guess this highly specialized notepad is for all those times you forget how to draw a straight line down the middle of a sheet of paper? Which, if you can write, I’m assuming is never.

Also, how often do people actually make handwritten Pros/Cons lists? Besides seniors in high school trying to determine what to do with their lives after graduation or as plot devices in novels, are Pros/Cons lists really something people make? And, with such frequency as to need a designated pad of paper to do so?

Oooooh! I know! Let’s make a Pros/Cons list about buying this pad of paper!

Pros: It’s mildly entertaining for about four seconds.
Cons: Its purpose can be recreated without it, it’s rarely needed, and it costs $8 that could be spent on things more useful and/or more entertaining.

Hey, look at that, I made a Pros/Cons list without the specialty paper and my problem was solved!

Unitasker Wednesday: Spiders in your toilet vinyl decal

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Like millions of people, I am an arachnophobe. I’ve had bad experiences with spiders, such as one crawling on my face while I was driving, so I feel that my fears are somewhat justified (albeit irrational seeing as a spider has never actually harmed me in any way). And I know we don’t usually mention decorations as unitaskers because they’re folly and no one thinks otherwise. HOWEVER, this week’s selection qualifies as the world’s worst unitasker because it’s a decoration that is straight up mean. Cruel. The most horrible thing ever.

Introducing the spiders in your toilet vinyl decal for your toilet seat lid:

Just in time for Halloween, you can give all your house guests with arachnophobia severe panic attacks. And, if you live in a mansion, you can buy a package of 12 decals for just $34 and spider-up all your toilets! No toilet will be safe! Panic attacks for everyone!

Seriously, if I went to a party and this decal were on a toilet, I would leave the party. Even if I didn’t need to use the restroom, I would leave upon learning about the decals. So, I guess the moral of this story is if you don’t want me to come to your party, buy and use these unitaskers on your toilet seat lids.

Happy Halloween, everyone! Stay safe and make good choices on Saturday.

Unitasker Wednesday: Rotisserie

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

My fourteenth wedding anniversary is in a few weeks and my husband keeps asking me what I want. I know exactly what I want, but the problem is that it’s a total unitasker. I want a ridiculously large Rotisserie:

Thanks to Michael Ruhlman’s fabulously educational cookbook Twenty, I know how to roast a beautiful chicken in my oven. It’s easy and there’s not much mess and the bird is delicious … BUT I STILL WANT THE ROTISSERIE!

It’s not logical. The thing is enormous. (On the plus side, most of it is dishwasher safe.) I have no need for it, though. But I want it, want it, want it!

Sigh.

The next time you’re contemplating buying a unitasker, just know you’re not alone. Even the Unclutterer longs to add unitaskers to her home.

Unitasker Wednesday: Portable Pizza Pouch

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Mmmmmm, pizza. It’s a sphere of joy containing vegetables, dairy, grains, and protein. And now, it’s an anytime-anywhere food, thanks to the Portable Pizza Pouch:

Worn around your neck like a backstage pass to your favorite concert, the Portable Pizza Pouch allows you to take your favorite slice with you — To work! Around the house! Your grandson’s birth! Even your daughter’s doctoral hooding ceremony!

Where can’t you wear a slice of pizza?

Thanks to the dozens of people who shared this unitasker with us.

Unitasker Wednesday: Steel Wine Bottle and Glass Holder

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

You know ALL those times you’re camping, when you’re drinking wine in super-breakable-and-hard-to-pack wine glasses, but you’re soooooooo drunk that holding a wine glass is just too much? Well, FINALLY, there is a solution for at least one of your problems — the Steel Wine Bottle and Glass Holder:

Because if there is anything someone who is too drunk to hold a glass should have, it is access to five pointy steel rods, glass glasses, and wine that is sure to stain!

Come on, drunk wine-drinking campers, have you never heard about insulated sippy cups? Now there is a safer solution to one of your problems.