Unitasker Wednesday: Ultimate infomercial montage

Regular readers of the site know that I have a special place in my heart for infomercials. There are so many reasons to love them: the horrible acting, the ridiculous products they advertise, and (my favorite) the depictions of the horrible life one must endure before acquiring the ridiculous products.

This week, instead of featuring a specific product for Unitasker Wednesday, I thought I would share with you an awesome find from my friend Rebecca. I’m calling it the Please help me! video montage:

Unitasker Wednesday: Pizza Cone Maker Set

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

This is one of those unitaskers that is either the best or the worst idea ever. Since it’s super early in the morning and I’ve just consumed a large cup of coffee, I’m voting for the worst idea ever. Looking at the picture of the finished product kind of made me gag a little. But, if it were after midnight on a night where I’d had a couple beers with my friends, I can see how I would think it was the best thing invented in the history of invented things. What do you think about the Pizza Cone Maker Set:

There have to be a minimum of five thousand calories in one of those things, right? Can a single person even consume a whole pizza cone without their stomach exploding? Wow.

Thanks to reader Niagra for finding this set for us. It’s something.

Unitasker Wednesday: Butter Buttons

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

My friend Maeve messaged me the other day to let me know that she’d found a unitasker in the wild. (Wild = Marshall’s) Like a space explorer searching for intelligent life, she “discovered” the incredible unitasker Butter Buttons:

Instead of using a knife to directly put butter on your corn, now you can use a knife to cut butter off its stick and then put the butter onto a Butter Button and THEN butter your corn! It’s so much fun to add extra and unnecessary steps to your eating experience.

But wait, there’s MORE! Button Buttons give you MORE to clean! MORE to buy! And MORE to store in your kitchen drawers! These little bits of plastic take up your time, space, and money!!

Personally, my favorite thing about them is that they come in a four pack so that you get FOUR unitaskers at once. Super fancy.

Again, thanks go to my friend Maeve for finding this unitasker and sharing it with us.

Unitasker Wednesday: Beer Mitt

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

This week’s unitasker selection is just in time for all your Fourth of July celebrations. It’s perfect because it relieves your party guests from holding their SUPER HEAVY beers while they celebrate U.S. independence! And nothing says, “Embrace your lazy AND let’s remember that exciting day our country’s forefather’s nailed a declaration to a post in Philadelphia” quite like the Beer Mitt:

Look, Ma! No hands!

Thanks go to reader Dolphin for sharing this patriotic and pointless unitasker with us.

Unitasker Wednesday: Butter Mill

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

This week’s unitasker is straight-up confusing. I genuinely have no idea why someone would have a use for the Butter Mill:

Is milled butter a desirable thing? What does milled butter do that other butter doesn’t do? I don’t get it since you have to dirty a knife to cut the butter off the mill. Couldn’t you just scrape a knife along the top of a stick of butter and do pretty much the same thing as using a mill? Or run a stick of butter across a cheese grater? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

It also seems to be a very messy process to push butter through a mill. The minute the butter reaches room temperature, this has to be a squishy disaster.

Honestly, a butter mill makes butter cutters seem less like the unitaskers they are.

Thanks to reader Laura for introducing us to this mess of a unitasker!

Unitasker Wednesday: The Celery Snack Attack

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I have a unitasker crush on this week’s selection. First, it’s adorable, in all its fake, molded plastic, celery design. Second, it seems to do the job it was designed to do (which is saying a LOT in comparison to most of the unitaskers we feature). And third, it has the best name ever: The Celery Snack Attack.

THE SNACK ATTACK! Love it. Watch out for the attacking, violent, little strips of celery!

This delightful unitasker obviously does the same thing as a million other all-purpose, reusable, food containers do. And, in theory, you could likely use it for carrots … though you would obviously want to use the carrot version. (Yes, that’s right, there is a precious carrot-shaped one of these things. And an apple! And a grape!)

They’re all so cute! And all so wholly unnecessary!

I appreciate that these little guys exist, even though no one has a need to own them in all their sweet unitasker glory.

Unitasker Wednesday: Toasted Taco Fiesta

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

After seeing The Lego Movie, my five-year-old son became obsessed with eating tacos. To keep with the theme of the movie, we decided to establish Tuesday as taco night and have been putting this exact same dinner on the meal plan for the past year. (I’m all for variety, but it’s also nice to have a set meal once a week that I don’t have to exhaust mental energy on planning or making.) Some weeks we use store-bought tortillas and taco shells and other weeks I make them at home. And after a year of weekly tacos, I can assure you there is no point during the taco-making process where you need the Toasted Taco Fiesta:

The reason this small appliance doesn’t work is because it’s a regular toaster, not an oven or even a toaster oven. And, as you know, standard toasters heat things with their elements, which are only on the sides of whatever you’re toasting. They’re not on the bottom and they have no way to heat the interior of the shell. Ovens and toaster ovens fill completely with hot air and heat all parts of the tortilla evenly. All this taco shell toaster is good for is heating up the outside of store-bought taco shells because the device would never be able to cook the inside of a tortilla to make a good taco shell.

And, I think we can all agree, a taco shell with a doughy interior is quite inferior to one with a crispy interior.

If you’ve never made taco shells at home, the following videos can show you how truly easy it is to do with tools you probably already own (like a bowl, your hands, a pan, and an oven). In the second video, the guy cooks the taco shells in a toaster oven exactly how I make shells in my regular oven–5 minutes at 400ºF over two of the oven rack’s spindles. It’s so crazy simple and they taste so much better than store-bought shells. (For what it’s worth, though, you can heat store bought taco shells in your oven or toaster oven the exact same way, just shorten the time to a minute or two instead of the full five.)

(Also: You don’t really need the tortilla press in the first video, as you can use a rolling pin or even a cookbook. The tortilla press just speeds up the process if you do this regularly. I have one and I use it when making ravioli and dumpling wrappers, too.)

I sincerely am starting to wonder what people have against using appliances they already own, especially when what they already own does a more effective job.

Unitasker Wednesday: Corn Cob Peeler

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

It’s nearly summer here in the northern hemisphere and that means three things are in the future: warmth, sun, and grilling. And one of the better ways to enjoy all three of these things is to sit outside and enjoy a tasty grilled snack, like grilled corn. If you don’t like eating it straight from the cob, then I have a unitasker for you that will slow down that process and make it more difficult than necessary. The Corn Cob Peeler

Once again we meet a unitasker that does the exact same thing a knife does. (We still haven’t decided what to call these: Knife-taskers? Cutter-clutter?) Okay, so this one isn’t as big as the Corn Kerneler that we featured back in 2011, but this Corn Cob Peeler is still wholly unnecessary.

My maternal-side of the family is all about Kansas corn farming. I grew up playing in thousands of acres of corn fields (except during the fall, because that is patently unsafe), mostly field corn but also some sweet. In fact, I shucked sweet corn each year straight out of a truck-bed and our family ate it all year round (three cheers for canning and freezing!). They still do, I’m just not there to partake in all things corn.

I can tell you with absolute certainty, that this unitasker is a dud. Cutting corn kernels off a cob is much faster with a knife, therefore a knife saves you time, money, and storage space over this device. Don’t know how to cut corn off the cob? Let the following YouTube video show you how:

(Advanced tip: If the corn is uncooked, you can even flick the kernels out by hand. No knife required.)

Unitasker Wednesday: Melon Slicer

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

After more than eight years of writing unitasker posts for Unclutterer (close to 400 featured products), I think it might be time to create a word or phrase specifically for unitaskers that are poor substitutes for knives (like knife-nots or uni-cutters or something along those lines). Because I sincerely believe that half the unitaskers we feature fall into this category.

This week’s unitasker, as I’m sure you’ve already concluded, is a clutter-blade. The Melon Slicer is a ridiculously large device that does what a chef’s knife or serrated knife do extremely well:

The Melon Slicer is about a foot in diameter, so it takes up a massive amount of storage space in your kitchen or pantry. Also, it has 12 blades on it — which is like having 12 knives in your drawer, eager to rip up your hand each time you want to retrieve something. And, as previously mentioned, it does exactly the same thing as a knife you already own.

It also requires that you have a watermelon that will be smaller than the device and that the watermelon is shaped like a basketball. Yes, those watermelons exist, but they’re hardly the standard.

Thanks to reader Monique for finding this enormous uni-knifer!

Unitasker Wednesday: Baby Care Washer

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Reader Wendy sent in this week’s untiasker selection to us and I have to admit that I thought her email was a joke, like the product was something The Onion would make into a decoy gift box. My thought process went like this: 1. Haha, what a great fake product! 2. Imagine if something like that were actually real! 3. I’ll just click on the link to see how brilliant of a site they have set up for this fake product … 4. WHAAAA?!! NO WAY! HOW IS THIS REAL?! THIS CAN’T BE REAL! OMG, IT’S REAL! 5. Well, now I know I’ll be using the Baby Care Washer as next week’s unitasker:

In case you can’t tell from the image, this is a washing machine specifically made for washing only your baby’s clothes.

Let that sink in for a second.

Only. Your. Baby’s. Clothes.

Yep.

According to the product’s marketing, the reasons you need a special washing machine exclusively for your baby’s clothes and diapers are because your current washing machine doesn’t rinse detergent out of the clothes well enough (which might be true if your washing machine is from the 1970s and doesn’t have a second rinse cycle AND you have a baby with extremely sensitive skin) and your crappy washer doesn’t allow the water to get hot enough to sanitize your child’s clothes (which might be an issue for you if you’re using a detergent made out of germs instead of soap or not using a clothes dryer after using your germ-infused detergent or don’t have water temperature controls on your machine). Obviously, to fall for these ridiculous marketing points you must be in denial about the fact that your baby with super sensitive skin will eventually grow into a child with sensitive skin and then a teenager with sensitive skin and his/her clothing will need a normal washing machine much larger than this thing. What? I shouldn’t point that out??

Now, maybe I’m out of line, but if you have $600 to spend on a special washing machine just for your baby, isn’t it extremely likely you already have a super, fancy, full-capacity washing machine with the exact same specs and bells and whistles as this one but that everyone in your family can use? What is the likelihood that someone is willing to drop $600 on this device and doesn’t already own a high-end, deluxe washing machine? I’d say that likelihood is either zero or so close to zero as to be statistically irrelevant. Even “basic” washers have second rinse cycles and water temperature controls, and the “high-end” models even have things like disinfecting steam cleaning modes these days (which are great for pillows, by the way).

Another thing that made me laugh about this unitasker was something I found on the official Samsung website. The product description stated: “Designed especially for your baby, this washer features powerful double-rinsing technology that minimizes detergent residue, protecting your baby’s sensitive skin.” The sentence structure is so poorly constructed that it seems as if you could wash your baby in the washing machine instead of his/her diapers. Oh, Samsung.

Thanks again to reader Wendy for this unitasker discovery!

Unitasker Wednesday: Electric Peanut Butter Maker

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

This week, I’d like to introduce you to an appliance the size of a toddler that extrudes peanut butter and does nothing else. Introducing the Electric Peanut Butter Maker:

Obviously this thing is a unitasker. Obviously. But in addition to being a unitasker, it has to be a total pain in the arse to clean. It’s as if it wants to make life harder for the people who buy it.

Anyway, if you aren’t into buying peanut butter in jars at the store, you can easily make peanut butter at home without this unitasker. All you need is a food processor or a blender with a decent motor on it:

If you don’t already own a food processor or blender, by all means please consider purchasing one of those amazing multitaskers before a unitasker. You could also use a mortar and pestle to make peanut butter by hand, especially if you want to build the muscles in your forearm for your tennis game or ice cream scooping speed.

Unitasker Wednesday: Handpresso Auto Espresso Maker

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

This week’s unitasker is technically a multi-tasker — it brews espresso while you drive your car and it creates burn victims for ER doctors to treat! Introducing the Handpresso Auto Espresso Maker:

For $160 (yes, the low, low price of $160!), you too can hit a pothole and send 200ºF of pressurized liquid spray throughout the interior of your vehicle! All you need is a 12v cigarette/electrical outlet, specialized ESE pods for brewing (sold separately), and a willingness to be scalded when you turn a corner or get into a fender bender.

Also, imagine the wrecks you can cause by being the world’s most distracted driver when you pull the shot of espresso while going 65 mph on the highway! Clearly the developers of this product were of the impression that texting while driving wasn’t distracting drivers enough — they wanted to take distraction to the next level, and they succeeded! The Handpresso Auto Espresso Maker IS the NEXT LEVEL!