Unitasker Wednesday: K-9 Condiment Caddy

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

When I think about large parties, specifically backyard barbecues, I imagine that there are people all over the yard. It may be difficult for everyone to have easy access to condiments for their hamburgers and hotdogs if the condiments are only in one place.

In the past, I’ve set up condiment stations, placing ketchup, mustard, pickles, etc. on small tables at several different places in the party area. I figured this would allow guests to find and use what they needed. They could even set their food down on the table while accessing the condiments.

Silly me! I needn’t have set up tables when my trusty canine companion could have carried the condiments around from guest to guest with his K-9 Condiment Caddy. Wearing this wipe-clean jacket, he’d be able to carry six different condiments at a time!

I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered if he smelled like fishy lake water (he swam almost constantly) and was covered in dirt (from rolling in the sand after swimming). My dog also thought that chasing chipmunks and squirrels was a priority over anything else in the universe so it might be a little inconvenient for guest to have their condiments disappear into the bushes. But hey, my dog could have had a job! He would also have eaten your hamburger.

Unitasker Wednesday: Slotdog

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to necessarily buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Summer is quickly approaching here in the northern hemisphere and along with it are likely numerous cookouts and maybe a few campouts on your schedule. Well, if you’re going to be grilling up some hotdogs, you should know all about this week’s unitasker — the Slotdog (it’s the red plastic doodad in the top image):

Over the years we have written about a number of hotdog-related unitaskers, but this one might rise to the top of that list in terms of unitaskery. All it does is score the top of a hot dog. It doesn’t slice through a hotdog. It doesn’t cook the hotdog. All it does is cut lines into the top of your hotdogs. As the product description explains: “Perfect for kids as they love the alligator, dinosaur, dragon scale look”

I guess, if you need your hotdogs to have that “dragon scale look” maybe you might want this. But, you could also use a knife to do that. So.

Anyway, thanks to long-time reader Julie for sharing this with us (a product she doesn’t need because she’s a vegetarian but that she claims she wants, nonetheless … and that, for reasons unknown, is totally tempting us, too … gah! — unitasker temptations!!).

Unitasker Wednesday: The Double Barrel Sauce Squirt Gun and Captain Catchup

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Way back in 2008, we featured the dangerous Condiment Gun in our unitasker column. Little did we know at the time, but the threat of ketchup being shot at your food from a .45 revolver was only the beginning of the menace.

Since then, a new unitasker villain has come onto the scene: The Double Barrel Sauce Squirt Gun:

This bad boy holds both ketchup and mustard. Now you can shoot up your hamburger or hotdog with not just one, but TWO condiments. (This is one of those elusive multi-tasking unitaskers.)

But wait! Are you more into science fiction than contemporary condiment weapons? If so, you might want to consider the futuristic Captain Catchup. Though, admittedly, it is only single barrel, so prepare to be sorely disappointed:

And, obviously, you’ll also want to order the shotgun shell salt and pepper shakers and the Gun Egg Fryer to complete your violent meal package!

Unitasker Wednesday: Hot Dog Slice and Serve

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I often think this weekly feature could be renamed “Instead of a knife …” Instead of a knife, this thing-a-ma-jigger slices a banana! Instead of a knife, this gadget somehow sections a grapefruit! Instead of a knife, own a thousand unitaskers that you don’t need and that take up a ridiculous amount of space in your kitchen cupboards!

This week’s selection obviously falls into this same “Instead of a knife …” category. I have to admit, the little guy is cute and I love how he has a food bowl for ketchup. But there is no way the Hot Dog Slice and Serve is more useful than a knife and plate:

See, I told you he was cute!

Unfortunately, this plastic doodad isn’t going to chop onions or carve a pumpkin or do anything other than look adorable. It certainly can’t multi-task, and according to the reviews on Amazon, it’s not even good at replacing a knife.

Megan said, “This thing isn’t sharp enough to cut through the skin of the hot dog.” And Bruce commented, “Full size hotdog won’t fit in holder,” and that it’s, “hard to clean.” It appears that in its attempt to be safe for children to use, it became impossible for anyone to use.

If only people needed kitchen utensils for their cuteness instead of their function …

Thanks to readers Dave and Bethany for sharing this unitasker with us.

Unitasker Wednesday: Hot Dog Dicer

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

About five years ago, Disney began airing a show called Mickey Mouse Clubhouse featuring the classic Disney characters. It’s a computer animated cartoon that plays a They Might Be Giants song at the end of every episode called “Hot Dog.” If you’re unfamiliar with the diddy, you can hear it and watch the video on the Disney Junior website.

Did you listen to it? It’s super annoying, right? And INCREDIBLY infectious. No need to thank me for getting that song stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Anyway, I mention the “Hot Dog” song, because it instantly pops into my head whenever I think about this week’s unitasker selection — the Hot Dog Dicer:

Once again, a tool to do what knives do! Knives you already own! What do people have against using knives? I’m so confused by the knife-alternative industry.

Also, did you watch the video that accompanies the link to the product? Such scare tactics! The whole advertisement is about how your kid could die choking on a hot dog. Maybe, and this is just little ol’ me musing, if you’re so afraid of your kid choking on a food, learn how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver? That safety move can work in all choking situations, not just hot-dog choking situations. Or, possibly, just don’t feed your child hot dogs until you know he or she can safely chew his food? Recent scientific studies are suggesting toddlers shouldn’t be eating hot dogs, anyway. They’re full of nitrites and nitrates, which increase the risk of cancer. Why is that not mentioned in the Commercial of DOOM?

Okay, back to happier thoughts … “hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!”

Want to see even more hot dog unitaskers? Check out the Hot Dog Roller and, one of my all-time favorites, the Hot Dog Pop-Up Cooker. Finally, if you do feel the need to buy one of these Hot Dog Dicers, you can store it in your drawer right next to your Banana Slicer. They can be twins!

Thanks to all the readers who sent us this week’s selection.

Unitasker Wednesday: Meatball Grill Basket

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

When I think about cooking out on the grill, I think about hotdogs, hamburgers, steak, corn, asparagus, kebobs, bratwursts, and peaches (mmmmm, grilled peaches). Want to know what I don’t think about? Meatballs.

Williams-Sonoma has once again created a solution (the Meatball Grill Basket) for a problem that doesn’t exist. People the world over were just fine cooking their meatballs on the stove or in the oven. No one was crying late at night, gnashing their teeth, wishing that someone, somewhere would create a giant contraption for the specific purpose of grilling meatballs.

But now, NOW!, you can drop $50 for this item that you have no use for owning. Honestly, if you really wanted to grill meatballs (and again, why would you?) all you have to do is add a bit of egg to your meatball mixture and you can set meatballs directly onto the grill grates, same as a hamburger. If you want meatballs smaller than your grill grates, simply set a metal cooling rack (make sure it’s just plain metal) onto your grill grates and then cook your meatballs on the smaller-grated cooling rack. (It will look kind of like this.) A metal cooling rack has a dozen purposes and costs less than $7.

Wow, I wonder how many of these Meatball Grill Baskets Williams-Sonoma is going to sell?? Unbelievable.

Unitasker Wednesday: The Hot Dog Roller

Just in time for summer, the Hot Dog Roller! Everyone has an incredibly difficult time rotating hot dogs on the grill, right? Uh, right? C’mon, work with me on this. The issue of keeping a hot dog evenly grilled is a REAL problem. No, really. And, the Hot Dog Roller is there to solve this dastardly grilling dilemma. Simply place the hot dogs or corn on the cob(!) on this little contraption and you are good to go. With a simple move of the handle you can move up to five hot dogs at once. FIVE. At the SAME TIME!

Think of all the time you spend rolling hot dogs instead of playing Frisbee with your children. This roller can increase your hot dog rolling efficiency by five times. (I did the math.) That’s right, now you can enjoy five times the fun with your family and friends with this efficient, time-saving grill essential.

(Thanks to reader Eve for sending us this suggestion.)

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.