All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
My freshman year of high school I was invited to a party at a senior’s house. (A SENIOR’s house!) It wasn’t one of those high school parties like you see portrayed in movies with kegs of beer and loud music and kids being out of control. This was a party where we dressed up in semi-formal wear and talked about MIT’s Morris computer virus and Benazir Bhutto’s election. I was one of only a handful of freshmen who had been invited and the only reason my parents let me go was because my parents knew the host’s parents. It was amazing and I felt so cool to be at a real party talking to upperclassmen.
That is, I felt super cool until an hour into the party when things went horribly wrong. Okay, so “horribly” is hyperbolic, but at the time it felt like the BIGGEST social mistake of the century. While serving myself punch out of a bowl, I shattered the crystal ladle. It was the host’s mother’s family heirloom — and I had ruined it. Silence spread across the party and then for the entire rest of the night it was a thing. I was now the clumsy girl (who felt immensely guilty) who was not to be trusted near anything breakable. And it stayed a thing for the rest of the school year. “Want me to hold that book for you, Erin? Wouldn’t want you to break it!” In fact, I occasionally talk to the guy who threw that party, and it is still a thing. More than thirty years of history has been shared between the two of us, but breaking a ladle is my legacy. Swell.
So, when I saw this week’s unitasker, my heart did a little spin. If only the senior had served the punch in one of these! My reputation would be unstained! The ladle would not be broken and I would not be known as the girl who breaks things!
Actually, who am I kidding, I am ridiculously clumsy. Had he used one of these monstrosities, I would have broken the whole thing and made an even bigger mess. The incident would have been similarly disastrous to the segment on Sesame Street with the uncoordinated baker who repeatedly falls down the stairs. I’d have been a complete outcast for all of high school instead of simply the clumsy girl. I’ll stick with the reputation I have.
Except for people with irrational fears of breaking ladles, I’m not really sure why any normal person would need this enormous beverage contraption with a light display in a “dazzling array of colors.” Caterers — maybe — might wish to infect a large group of people with whatever germ is making its rounds and use it as patient zero for wedding receptions or anniversary parties. But, let’s be honest, the average person isn’t sitting down to a Wednesday night family dinner wishing he could drink punch sprayed out of a 3-tier electrical device to accompany his mashed potatoes and meatloaf. At most, an average person might find reason to pull this out of storage on five or six occasions over the course of a lifetime. Renting a device like this for the rare times you would use it would save money and considerable storage space. It’s one of those things you don’t want to own but wouldn’t mind borrowing from a friend … now to just find a friend who loves buying unitaskers …
Heck, I just realized you can’t even use this device with punch that has rainbow sherbet in it — which we all know is the BEST kind of punch! Why even serve punch if it’s not rainbow sherbet punch?! ‘Tis a no-tasker after all!