Unitasker Wednesday: Kiwi Guard

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

New Year’s Eve is right around the corner and you’re probably wondering what to get all your party guests as parting gifts as they leave your celebration. (Or to give as host gifts if you’re heading out to a party at someone else’s home.) You want to be a good unclutterer and not send them home with any unitaskers, but you also don’t want to be a stick in the mud and give boring gifts. What to do? What to do …

Wait! I know! You should give the Kiwi Guard:

It’s definitely NOT a unitasker. Nope. You could easily also use it on a … a … a … lime? Sure, okay, a lime! A kiwi AND a lime! It’s a multitasker!


Maybe it’s better to hand out bottles of champagne and call it a year …

Thanks to reader Anis for finding us this incredibly specific device to protect a single kiwi.

19 Comments for “Unitasker Wednesday: Kiwi Guard”

  1. posted by Another Deb on

    Quite the item. Apparently the green things are cutlery that will allow you to peel and eat it from the lunch box. It looks rather sculptural. Maybe an unused one could hang from my rear view mirror.

  2. posted by Brittany on

    Ooooh, I like Another Deb’s idea of hanging it from the rear view mirror. You can bet that no one else would have one! (Except for Deb and I.)

  3. posted by Leslie on

    When I first read this, I couldn’t figure out what the kiwi needed protection from…a spoon (my chosen tool to eat kiwi)?

  4. posted by Carol on

    I once had a secretary who severed a nerve in her thumb while peeling a kiwi for lunch. So maybe this is a safety device! (She was klutzy about a whole lot of things, though.)

  5. posted by ninakk on


  6. posted by Kat on

    While totally a unitasker and a pretty one at that, I can see why some people might want it.
    I used to have to take kiwis for lunch everyday and they do get quite gross after being cut up and sitting in a warm lunch box for hours. Although I am sure this would soon be band in schools since it can cut your fruit.

  7. posted by Another Deb on

    Only six left on Amazon, Brittany. We’ll have the rarest ornament that ever hung in a Honda!

  8. posted by Nana on

    Yes, yes, yes! I have a(n adult) child who loves kiwi and is a wildlife worker in Alaska. She lives in her truck or in a tent…and this is just what she needs to keep her kiwi neat. The fact that she could use it as a car decoration is just icing on the cake (so to speak).

  9. posted by Maya on

    It took me several moments to figure out what those green things were for, and why a kiwi needs protection. I’d have to say this is a non-tasker to me. I don’t peel my kiwi’s I just scrape them a bit and cut off the ends, there’s no reason to waste time peeling them in my mind. Plus in California and the farmer’s markets most of the kiwis are the double or triple ones, so I never have a kiwi in my house that would even fit in this thing!

  10. posted by Katie on

    The longer I look at it, the more questions I come up with… why is it so TALL?

  11. posted by Shirls on

    You could keep it for Easter and put a hollow chocolate egg in it, to keep it from getting squashed.

  12. posted by CM on

    Shame on you, Erin, for ridiculing those of us with special needs who find the Kiwi Guard essential for daily life. We have a flock of rapacious birds that follow us inside and constantly try to snatch our kiwis. The kiwi guard is too large and slippery to fit in their beaks (that is why it is so tall, KATIE). We have tried inverting a large bowl over the kiwis, or putting the kiwis in a suitcase, but the birds knock the bowl over and work together to unlatch the suitcase with their claws. I have a condition that requires me to eat half a dozen kiwis per day and the kiwi guard has literally saved my life.

  13. posted by Scarlet on

    Hah. It’s by the same people who made the egg pillows.

  14. posted by Erin Doland on

    @CM — Brilliant.

  15. posted by eccoyle on

    wow, that is one protected kiwi. All the other kiwis will be so jealous.

  16. posted by R.M. Koske on

    I’m with Maya, no peeling for me. I eat everything but the stem end, so I don’t need any cutlery at all. (Weirding out the people around me is a bonus.)

  17. posted by J on

    I have a kiwi protector and matching kiwi eating spoon/slicers. Not this one, mine is not so pretty, but one that came free with a bag of kiwis. I don’t find it to be particularly necessary, as my kiwis would be fine without in in the ten minute walk to work, and could by sliced or scooped with regular cutlery.
    Nevertheless, the spoons are pretty handy, not sharp or dangerous on the slicing side at all, and it all fits together neatly. I sometimes use the protector to carry other things, like nuts, grapes, or dried fruits, so not entirely one purpose.
    I don’t think anyone should run out and buy one, but if you get given one, it may be worth using and keeping.
    But I am with R.M. Koske, and sometimes eat the whole kiwi, as I sometimes do with apples, which does get a satisfying reaction out of my lunchmates who usually peel all fruit before consumption.

  18. posted by Margaret Picky on

    I have seen six kiwi fruits packaged in a clear plastic container that looked like half of an egg carton and thought that was a good idea for protecting them except that it wasn’t recyclable.

  19. posted by Laetitia in Australia on

    Just back from New Zealand so catching up on old posts. When I saw the title I immediately thought of the bird which is simply called a ‘kiwi’ not the fruit which normally has ‘fruit’ as part of its appellation. This is kind of the inverse problem of referring to koalas as ‘koala bears’, which they aren’t.

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