Unitasker Wednesday: Tie-Not

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes โ€” we donโ€™t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I have many super powers (e.g. I can grab poison ivy with my bare hands and not have a reaction), but my kryptonite are balloons. For starters, I’m allergic to latex, so touching them causes me to break out in a rash. Secondly, the squeaking sound they make when you rub your finger across them drives me batty. Thirdly, tying them off is tedious. And finally, the anticipation of someone about to pop a balloon makes me incredibly anxious.

Noting all of the reasons I hate balloons, you might think the Tie-Not would be something I’d use. It ties water balloons so you don’t have to fuss with them! But, you know what, even the Queen of Hating Balloons can tie a water balloon if she needs to. (She can also talk about herself in the third person.)

Unless you’re a professional water balloon maker, I’m not really sure the average person needs the Tie-Not. For those rare times you decide to throw a water balloon party (are there such things?), I’m certain you can handle the stress of tying the balloons. Also, having to tie all those balloons might give you pause to throwing a water balloon party in the future. Because, really, who enjoys being smacked with a water balloon? Sure, it’s fun to clobber other people, but getting hit by one is never a joy. Water balloon attacks always end with someone getting a pitcher of water and just pouring the water on their competitors — so why not start with those? Pitchers are also reusable. And don’t hurt. And don’t leave little balloon particles in your yard. And don’t cause rashes. And aren’t balloons.

To close, I feel the need to point out that the name of the product is “Tie-Not.” In my understanding of the English language, the word NOT implies the negative. In this case, it would mean that the device doesn’t tie. I think this is brilliantly absurd, and commend the makers of the Tie-Not for not false advertising (check out the 1-star reviews on Amazon for examples of the device not working).

Thanks to reader Steph for introducing us to this soggy, summer unitasker.

24 Comments for “Unitasker Wednesday: Tie-Not”

  1. posted by Ken on

    The biggest flaw I can see with this is you *rarely* have a garden hose available to you in your 3rd floor college dorm room.

  2. posted by jodi on

    If they worked, and were available at the dollar store, I would consider getting one…but that is because I am the mother of teens (and almost teens) who are apparently practicing for life in a college dorm LOL! We have an arsenal of water balloons, super soakers, sponge balls, etc.

    Although no one has mentioned any of that since we got the pool…hmmmm, maybe I can set a date to unclutter the water battle supply box! ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. posted by Kathryn on

    I think you should market your balloon-fight alternative product (described above) as a pitcher called “Why Knot!” You could make a fortune, just like the manufacturers of that baby-bathing bucket you posted a few weeks ago!.

  4. posted by Liz on

    If someone can come up with this, why hasn’t someone invented a gadget to thread needles and tie of the thread (would that be a duo-tasker?). I can think of many middle-aged presbyopic sewers who would run to the store to buy one.

  5. posted by happymonkey on

    Liz — YES!!!

  6. posted by NoAlias on

    Jodi – don’t get rid of the soaker guns until after grad school graduation. My daughter and friends had a heated water battle after she successfully defended her PhD thesis. Never too old, I guess.

  7. posted by Jen on

    your description really made me laugh, because when i was a kid, every year i used to have water balloon fights for my birthday party (summer birthday obviously). and they were lots of fun. it seems that no one really has such simple birthday parties anymore these days, but it was fine for us kids back in those days (25-30 years ago). that said, we did not have, nor did we miss, a device like this when making lots and lots of water balloons.

    these days, we go to the beach in the summertime with my son and his cousin sometimes and have occasionally made water balloons there too. still don’t need this thing. it actually seems like it might take longer to use this thing than it would to just tie the balloons by hand.

  8. posted by Juliana on

    Yes,there is such a thing as a water balloon fight party. My parents host them on a regular basis for their grandchildren. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. posted by Cagesjamtoo on

    I will admit I have the simple version of this device. It is a plastic stick with notches that allow you to twist the balloon around it and then fling it off tied. I like to throw the simple parties for my kids and the water party is always a success. I unfortunately cannot tie off as many water balloons as all the kids would need to keep them happy for longer than 30 seconds. Because the pack came with two tie-nots my oldest (10) was able to help so it was worth the $6 I spent at Amazon. For me it didn’t take me any longer to tie than it would without, just let me get through more without losing feeling in my fingers.

  10. posted by Erin Doland on

    @Cagesjamtoo — The version of this device you’re referencing seems to me to be less of a unitasker. If I understand the product description correctly, it can be used on air-filled balloons as well. At least it has more than one purpose … and doesn’t have the valve issues this one seems to have … and you don’t have to use it with a garden hose (we always filled water balloons in the kitchen sink) … and doesn’t take up much space … it bothers me much less.

  11. posted by Melanie on

    A water balloon fight was part of the planned festivities at my brothers outdoor wedding reception (when he was 40).

    Like pillow fights, I am not a fan (probably because I am always a target and not aggressive). But some people never seem to outgrow them.

  12. posted by Canuck on

    We have water ballon fights all summer long. A lack of a pool makes this a good alernative, especially when there is a water ban for watering your lawns (no sprinklers) Water ballons seem to be part of that grey area and there are no issues.

    They now makes ones that are bio-degradable which is great, however they do tend to have a few more leaks/breaks in a package. usually when we have the fights we use 150-200 ballons at a time or more depending on the number of “kids” participating.

  13. posted by Christy on

    This. I would buy. If you’ve ever tied 300 water balloons for a small pack of boys and lost the feeling in your fingers………….you would see that this is a necessary tool!

  14. posted by cheesehead4ever on

    I will admit that I am almost incapable of tying balloons. However, I don’t think I would spend money on a device to do it for me.

  15. posted by Alix on

    I am *seriously* impressed by your poison-ivy superpower.

  16. posted by Annette on

    I loathe balloons of all types. I would never dream of buying this product!

  17. posted by Laura H. on

    Although yes, it’s another junky plastic thing….I cannot tie water balloons fast enough to keep my daughter in business. Then my hands hurt and I even get blisters! I would consider getting one of these!!

  18. posted by Christina on

    This post made me think of the British comedy “IT Crowd”, where one of the characters hates balloons because when they pop, they give him a little fright. ๐Ÿ™‚ My kids adore balloons but half the fun of a water balloon fight for *them* is winging an untied balloon at someone…

  19. posted by Dre on

    Hey! I was one of those 1 Star Reviews on Amazon. This thing breaks immediately.

  20. posted by Leah on

    @ Jen, my neighbor just had a water balloon fight at her birthday party. I think she just turned 10. I helped her make buckets full of water balloons. I actually saw this gadget the other day and said “man, that would have been useful for water balloon day.” Her mom is good at tying, so we filled the balloons and her mom tied them off.

  21. posted by Greg Chabala on

    Lifehacker seems to disagree: http://lifehacker.com/5824498/.....-can-do-it

  22. posted by Leslie on

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who experiences anxiety over the anticipation of balloon popping.

  23. posted by wayne on

    1st noone should buy anything they will never use of course but if you ever had to tie 50-100 or more water balloons the Tie-not is priceless! Fills and ties in less than 5 seconds. It is also 100% made in the USA wich mean more jobs for this great country…The old saying dont knock it untill you try it goes along way here…
    We have 4 year old kids tying there own balloons which gives Mom and Dad more time. Not to mention building self esstem in children.


  24. posted by Laura on

    Wowwww! Why are you such a hater! Kids and teens absolutely still love to have water balloon fights and now parents won’t mind so much. It is not easy to fill 100 water balloons. Now they can do it themselves! Great invention!

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