All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
I really enjoyed learning in my European History class in high school that most of the medieval torture devices that come to mind when we hear “medieval torture devices” weren’t actually medieval and weren’t ever used to torture anyone. Objects like the iron maiden and chastity belt were created generations later to scare people and lure visitors into museums (quite the disturbing bait and switch con, in my opinion). Whenever I’m in a kitchen supply store, I always think of those creepy devices and imagine what future generations could make up about the pineapple slicer unitasker:
Brain extruder? Intestine shredder? Ear de-waxer?
All of the ideas that pop into my mind are so much more interesting than what the device actually does. If you’ve ever tried to use a pineapple slicer, you know firsthand that it’s an abysmal failure. Pineapple cores are rarely in a straight line, which means this device isn’t effective at pulling out most cores. All the twisting and handling of the pineapple releases so much juice that your counter is a mess and your fruit is dry by the time you’re finished. And, we all know that the hardest part of preparing a pineapple is cutting off it’s skin — which this device doesn’t do. Since you have to use a KNIFE to remove the skin, why not use the same knife to core and cut up the pineapple?
Maybe the pineapple slicer is a torture device after all — torturing people each time they try to use it, clean it, and sacrifice space to store it!