Unitasker Wednesday: Jonny Glow

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!


My wife and I live in a rural home on a dirt road with no street lights. Most of our neighbors are “summer people,” meaning their houses are empty for eight or nine months out of the year. All this to say that, when the sun goes down, it gets dark. This can make it difficult to, among other things, find the bathroom at night. Fortunately, Jonny Glow is prepared to light the way!

Meant to “help you see where you are going,” Jonny Glow adheres to the inside of the bowl and is powerful enough to “glow all night.” You can buy one or even a five-pack if you’ve got a large home with several bathrooms. Sure, you could simply install a nightlight or just turn on a light, but whatever. Plus, I bet it really freaks out the cat.

Of course, if you’re the DIY type you easily make your own! Buy a roll of glowing tape, as is often used in theaters, and save a few bucks. Plus, 30 feet of tape should let you do just about every toilet, kitty litter box, doggie door in the house.

Unitasker Wednesday: Beehive pizza oven

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Wood-fired pizza is pretty yummy. Actually, any pizza is pretty good in my opinion, but wood-fired seems to give pizza a delicious taste that a conventional oven just doesn’t achieve. So why not invest in the Beehive Pizza Oven from Williams-Sonoma? Well, the price tag ($2000) may make you reconsider. 

I don’t know, but at this price, wood-fired pizza may be something left to the professionals with their wood-fired ovens in their restaurants. Honestly, ovens in restuarants probably cost less than this gem.

From the product description:

Bring the pleasures of cooking in a terra-cotta, wood-fire oven to your backyard or deck. Wonderful for entertaining, this authentic European oven can bake everything from crisp-crusted pizzas and rustic breads to juicy roast chicken with a crackling golden skin. It’s very easy to use: Start by building a wood fire on the oven floor; when it reaches the desired temperature, push back the coals to expose a superheated baking surface.

Yeah, I know that you can bake other goodies in this thing, but I’m committed to its Unitasker distinction. It is a rather poor excuse for spending $2000 on an “entertaining” way to bake a pizza in your back yard.

Unitasker Wednesday: The jumbo jerky works gun

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Today’s unitasker comes from a Popular Mechanics list of kitchen gadgets that you’ll use only once. The list is a treasure trove of single use items and they fit in the Unitasker Wednesday category perfectly. The Jumbo Jerky Works Gun is some sort of mechanism that makes forming jerky easier. It looks like a caulking gun that you fill with seasoned meat. You squeeze the trigger of the gun, which produces a series of perfectly formed jerky strips or sticks. The whole process just makes my mouth water!

After forming the strips, you still need to place the meat in a dehydrator or an oven set on a low temperature. You will be enjoying your perfectly formed jerky strips or sticks in no time. The set includes cure packets, spices, and three different attachments to make strips, double strips, or sticks.

Thanks to reader Andrea for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

Unitasker Wednesday: Tiny toe towel

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Everyone has a routine as to how they dry off after taking a shower or bath. Those routines usually only involve one towel, or maybe two if you wrap a second around your hair. These two towels are completely insufficient for your drying needs, however, because they’re so big and cumbersome and easy to use. Thankfully, there is now a product on the market that will meet all of your drying needs. The Tiny Toe Towel reaches between the unreachable areas of your toes. No more wet socks because your toes are soaking wet because you don’t own the tiny toe towel. How else does one dry off between your toes? From the product description:

This thirsty little towel reaches between toes for quick, thorough drying — keeping them comfy and healthy! Easier to use than a bulky bath towel, its unique shape fits comfortably between toes to gently whisk away wetness. Easy-grip handle prevents bending or straining.

There you have it. No bending or straining (assuming you don’t dry your ankles). The marvels of modern technology never cease to make our daily lives easier!

Thanks to reader Amy for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

Unitasker Wednesday: Mascara warmer

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Hey ladies and male fans of Social Distortion, do you want to know the secret behind the perfect eyelashes of Hollywood stars? Of course you do. The secret, according to the makers of the Mascara Warmer, is warm mascara. From the product description:

NEW! Unlock the secret to movie-star eyelashes. How do you create long, lovely, clump-free lashes? Warm the mascara. For many years, Hollywood makeup artists used hot blow dryers to get the smoothest consistency. Now they–and you–can do it the easy way with this revoutionary new beauty tool. It quickly and safely warms all brands of mascara in less than five minutes, in any plastic or metal packaging. So small and light, you can take it anywhere.

Hmm, so makeup artists use blow dryers to warm their mascara? But you and I both know the blow dryer is so 1990s. Step into the 21st century and go for the Mascara Warmer. 

Thanks to reader Elspeth for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

Unitasker Wednesday: Zing! Catapult Spoon

When the first kid put a spit soaked piece of paper in a straw, a formidable school yard battle was born. In retaliation, kids used the spoon as a make-shift catapult for years. The normal spoon was lacking in power. That lack of power was a problem … until now. Enter the Zing! Catapult Spoon. The Zing! is a spring action spoon that can really fling food like a catapult should. 

I’m not sure why a parent wouldn’t indulge their children with an item like this?! Is there a downside to such a fun product? Now just sit back and watch the vegetables fly across the room as you enjoy the laughter of the little ones! Your kids will thank you while pelting you with their peas and carrots. You will probably be able to spend some more time with them when they are sent home from school for starting an epic food fight during lunch. This product’s positives far outweigh the negatives, for sure.

Thanks to reader Christine for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.

Unitasker Wednesday: USB fragrance oil burner

Why would anyone have an empty USB port on his or her computer with so many great products just waiting to be plugged into them? Well, if your office smells terrible and you still have a USB port just sitting there completely unused, then you can probably use the USB Fragrance Oil Burner.

If the one pictured is a bit boring for your taste, you can go a step further with the illuminated version. This version kind of looks like an alien flower that glows different colors to soothe you while it emits sweet smells for your relaxation needs. 

If you have a USB fragrance oil burner, your cubicle may become the most popular workplace hangout, especially if the rest of the office smells like a locker room.

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.

Unitasker Wednesday: The Fizz

I’ve never been a huge fan of ice cream floats, but apparently there are enough people out there who love them so much that they need the ability to have one on-the-go. The Fizz is a contraption that you fill with ice cream and then attach to a bottle of your favorite soft drink. There is no need to use a glass you already have when you also own this new, very specialized device! The Fizz allows you to mix your soft drink into your ice cream and sip the contents as you go about your day. The kids in the video seem like they just can’t get enough!

The Fizz can make your child as happy as the kids in the video or make us adults feel like a kid again. Either way, your ice cream float will never be the same. You can purchase a six-pack of these cups for $10, or go crazy and opt for a case for $108! 

Thanks to reader Brooke for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.

Unitasker Wednesday: Onion goggles

Say goodbye to the dreaded vapors (syn-propanethial-S-oxide) that make your eyes water when you are cutting onions. The first time I encountered this phenomenon was as a small child watching my grandmother work in her kitchen. She was tearing up and I asked her why she was crying. She explained the reason behind her onion tears and I learned a valuable lesson. That lesson? Always wear protective goggles while cutting onions.

Yes, my grandmother could have avoided the toll onions took on her tear ducts by investing in some Onion Goggles, but I’m pretty sure these are fairly new, so she never had a chance to use them. Poor grammy. Fortunately for you, now you have the chance to overcome this obstacle in onion slicing. Don’t let your eyes tear up uncontrollably again! Take control of the situation and slip on some Onion Goggles.

Thanks to reader Katy for bringing this unitasker to our attention. 

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.

Unitasker Wednesday: Small apple dish

I’m not sure about you, but when I finish an apple I’m in desperate need of somewhere to place the core. Yeah, I can stroll over to the garbage can and dispose of it there, but I like to sit back and admire the core for a bit. Thankfully for me, there is a perfect product for just this specific use. The small apple dish is kind of like an ashtray for apples. It has a convenient spot to place the apple and the core. From the designer’s site:

By creating an appropriate place in the dish, your fruit waste becomes an esthetic part of your meal.

See? Admiring an apple core is esthetically pleasing to some people, and what better way to put it on display than with the small apple dish? I defy you to find a better way to present your apple.

Thanks to reader Vinod for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.

Unitasker Wednesday: Single bottle cellar

Who among us doesn’t have a special bottle of wine waiting for the right moment to be popped open and enjoyed? If you do have that special bottle, how are you storing it? Probably not in its very own climate-controlled storage container! That’s where the Angelshare Single Bottle Cellar comes to your rescue. The single bottle cellar is a temperature and humidity controlled capsule that holds exactly ONE very special bottle of wine.

The product description:

The Angelshare single-bottle cellar that special bottle of wine in its own temperature and humidity controlled time capsule for that special occasion in the future, whether it’s a birthday, anniversary, graduation or other significant event in your life or of those closest to you. 

The compact dimensions and elegant, understated design makes the single-bottle cellar a focal point in any setting and an ideal presentation package to treasure.

If you are in the market for a way to create a focal point out of a bottle of wine, this may be the product for you. Just make sure you have the $475 to drop on this thing.

Thanks to reader Cynthia for bringing this unitasker to our attention. Oh, and we didn’t change any of the wording in the first sentence of the product description … it really reads that way on the website.

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.

Unitasker Wednesday: USB mini fridge

Keeping your drink cold could be a problem in a relatively warm office space. What better way to keep that can of Coke cold than with this USB Mini Fridge?! This mini fridge plugs into any open USB port and cools your beverage to a chilling 45 degrees.

Wow! Now you don’t have to use ice or quickly drink your beverage with the fear it will lose its cool. You can simply store it in this little, one-can fridge. It measures in at 7.5″ tall x 3.5″ wide x 3.5″ deep, and that formerly empty desk space now serves an important function. Of course, you’ll have to unplug your Brando 4-in-1 lamp, fan, light, webcam from your USB port to use it!

Thanks to reader Erika for bringing this unitasker to our attention.

**Each week, the Unitasker Wednesday column humorously pokes fun at the unnecessary, single-use items that manage to find their way into our homes.