Home Forums Taking Care of Yourself Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

This topic contains 28 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of needtocleanhouse needtocleanhouse 2 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #159807

    This post is a bit of a whine, so apologies in advance.

    In July I moved 800 miles away from family, friends and everything I ever knew – just packed up and left Texas and moved to Georgia. My ex who is chronically unemployed and does pot like some people do tic-tacs couldn’t seem to get himself together (no surprise) but last month he got a job and saved up enough money to drive out here. then he quit, packed his car and took off- he arrived last night.

    He only has a couple hundred dollars, a room rented in a house with 3 other dudes, and no work lined up. He’s mad because I won’t give him my and my partner’s address. It’s not about him seeing his kids, I am happy to meet him after school so he can see his boys – my daughter refuses to see him – but nooo he thinks he should have access to them in my home.

    I just don’t need the drama of the tension between him and my girlfriend, the anger my middle son is sure to feel towards my daughter for refusing to talk to her dad (she has very good reasons, and I will NOT force her), and the chaos of my youngest trying to show him my whole house which would leave me feeling VERY violated and uncomfortable. This is MY space, my safe place, and I just don’t want him here!!!

    I had a thunderclap headache yesterday brought on by stress (think migraine X100) and today my stomach hurts so bad I can hardly stand it. He called this morning, wanting to come over and I said no – whereupon he had a fit and accused me of all sorts of things like turning his kids against him (I did NOT, I have NEVER badmouthed him to them, if his daughter hates him he did that his ownself) and of hoping he will fail (it’s not hoping, it’s just a dreary expectation that things will go as they always do).

    Then he says he wants to take the kids for lunch, or over to his place. No. I don’t know the dudes and dogs at the place he is staying at. I don’t want the kids in his car when I can’t know if he is doing drugs again. I’m so frustrated! I have sole conservatorship, and there is no defined visitation, so I am within my rights (and Georgia looks very dimly on deadbeat dads who don’t pay their ordered support) — but I am trying to do right by my boys and not be a bitch. I just know he is going to break their hearts somehow :(

  • #208743
    Profile photo of Astreja
    Astreja
    Participant

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Stand your ground and do not allow him anywhere near your house! If the kids do want to go for lunch — Their call, not his — Take them to a public place and pick them up afterwards. Also make your kids aware that they are not to give him your home address under any circumstances. If they object, cancel the lunch and don’t worry about whether or not your boys think the less of you for it. They are *not* entitled to subject you or your daughter to additional stress.

    And at the first sign of trouble, or if Ex does somehow find your house and demand entry, call the police and get a restraining order if necessary.

    Your ex’s behaviour borders on stalking, which is criminal and abusive. Show no mercy.

  • #208745

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Thank you, Astreja! I feel that you are right – and at this point I don’t even want to leave them alone with him as the youngest is only 4 and hasn’t seen him in almost a year. I appreciate the strong support and reinforcement :)

  • #208746
    Profile photo of irishbell
    irishbell
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    My thoughts:
    Just say NO!!!!
    If you must let him see the kids, meet him publicly, but stay with them!
    You just never know what could be said or what might happen.
    By all means, do not let him near your home.
    Your instincts are right
    As you said, the law is in your favor.
    Do what is best for YOU, first. If you aren’t OK, then your kids will not be either.
    Good luck and stay strong, your children need you. Hogs to you!
    If you do meet him publicly, be wary of him following you when you leave.

  • #208747
    Profile photo of grey
    grey
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    give his history and the age of your boys i would be *really* hesitant to allow unsupervised visits. trust your gut. don’t give in and don’t be afraid to involve the police if necessary. lots and lots of hogs.

  • #208748
    Profile photo of Astreja
    Astreja
    Participant

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Irishbell, excellent point about checking to make sure he isn’t following DMO3 home.

    I also had an interesting thought, evil in a “Mwahahaha!” way: What does Georgia law have to say on the subject of parents who don’t make support payments? Now that he’s within the state, is there anything the authorities can do in the way of payment enforcement?

  • #208752
    Profile photo of chacha1
    chacha1
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    +1 on Just Say No! And don’t wait till something bad happens to notify local law enforcement.

    Not sure where in GA you are living, some places will be less tolerant of your relationship than others, but most people try to do the right thing … which is to keep you, your partner, and those kids SAFE from unemployed drug-using non-supportive “parents.”

    Even a four-year-old can understand “I’m sorry sweetie but your father is not safe for you to be alone with.”

  • #208754
    Profile photo of chacha1
    chacha1
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    p.s. protecting your kids is NOT being a “bitch.” It’s being a LIONESS.

  • #208757

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Agree with everything already posted. You kids may not like it, but you’re the responsible adult here, and you get to make decisions. Not your ex, not your kids, you.

    Good on you for taking care of yourself and your kids! Your boys may not appreciate it now, may never be able to appreciate it, but safety is your first concern.

    Sending some good thoughts for you all!

  • #208759
    Profile photo of poodle
    poodle
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Your ex needs to prove himself before he’s allowed any alone time with your kids. If your ex really wants to have a relationship with all 3 kids, he’ll do whatever it takes to prove that he’s changed. If he has, the efforts and change will be obvious and long term. If not, it won’t take long before he’s tired of trying to be what he’s not. Your boys probably won’t like it, but it’s for their own safety.

  • #208760

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Good for you, DMo3. I agree — supervised visits make total sense. If what he wants it to see his kids and to have a relationship with them, he should be able to accept that. If he is demanding something else, it’s not about the kids — it’s about power and vengeance. You do not have to tolerate that.

  • #208767
    Profile photo of Ella
    Ella
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Don’t allow unsupervised visits, period. You would have no way to control information your kids might inadvertently let slip. And please be careful about not revealing what schools they go to, or else he could track them from there. You might want to put their teachers on alert.

  • #208774
    Profile photo of Ann
    Ann
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Woman, are you kidding? GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!

  • #208777

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    I’m with Ann! When you go through the court system many places have support classes and programs. Check to see what is available to you. Many places have special programs to help victims through the system. Legal Aid also may help in your area. You can also check with the local prosecutor’s office to see what help is available. A counselor to help you through the system is helpful if there are programs/services where you live.

    Also, since he is a drug addict (marijuana = drug), I suggest you check out Narc Anon and Al Anon. You will find people there who have gone through or know of people who have gone through or are going through your experience. People there may be able to direct you to available resources. You are not alone and help is right around the corner.

    Please take steps to care for and protect your self, children, and loved ones.

    If you have sole custody and there are no visitation rights, by all means, keep your children and family safe. Does he know where to find you or the children or your partner? At this point is it only phone contact? Do NOT allow any contact unless you feel it is safe. There’s a reason the court awarded you sole custody and no visitation.

    I knew a woman whose alcoholic/addict ex came back to town and would go to the children’s school and cause a disruption traumatizing and hurting the children.

    Get a lawyer and/or counselor who understands the dynamics of drug addicts or alcoholics. As previously mentioned, many places have free programs.

    Good luck.

  • #208784

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Thank you all!

    The divorce was in our home state of Texas, where both parties have basic rights unless specifically said not to. So he is required to have visitation, but no formal schedule was put in place. I made sure it specifically said I could move 800 miles away, and did. I honestly was surprised as heck to see him move down here after 9 months.

    I met him at a park a few miles from my home, and when we left I deliberately let him leave first and turned in the opposite direction from my home, running a few side streets to circle back around and make sure he wasn’t following. In my favor is the fact that I know the area and he hasn’t a clue.

    The visit actually went amazingly well. He was polite and the look on the boys’ faces… I hadn’t told them anything except “We are going to see a surprise”, and when he pulled in the lot as we were getting out of the car, I told them to turn around.

    My ten year old yelled “No freaking way!” and ran for his dad. My four year old took a step forward, a step back – and tugged on my shirt, looking up at me uncertainly. I leaned down and he whispered “Is that … my daddy?” I said “Yes, sweetie,” and he just lit up and said still in a whisper, “Yay!”.

    Sigh. I really, really hope he doesn’t screw this up like he screws up everything. They were so glad to see him it makes me worry about how badly he will fail them. But for today, at least, they were full of joy to just see him again, and I stuck to my guns and made sure it was on my terms and that I was in control of the situation, so that’s a near as a win we can get in this mess.

  • #208785
    Profile photo of grey
    grey
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    it sounds like you handled it very well, dm3, and that it was as good as anyone could hope!

    continued thoughts and virtual hogs as you continue to navigate this situation.

  • #208788

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Thanks! And Ella, yes! I did notify schools first thing in case he found out where they were… my daughter is 12 and the school she goes to won’t even let me take her out of school early without checking my ID and hassling me about my name change, LOL! (plus she would NOT go with him); my 10 year old is currently homeschooled; and my 4 year old’s preK are fiercely protective of him and would never let my ex leave the building even assuming he managed to get in the code protected front door and the receptionist.

    NTCH – I totally agree mary jane is completely addictive, and even if it were legal would need to be treated like alcohol in that there are people who can do it once a month on a night off and people who can’t stop there and smoke a quarter a week / drink a case a day. My ex has an addictive personality wherein everything hinges on immediate gratification, and then the drug blurs his judgement and eliminates impulse control to the degree that he has put me and the children in danger more than once.

    If he becomes a problem, I actually have enough dirt on him to have him jailed. I would like it to not come to that, for my boys’ sake!

  • #208791
    Profile photo of irishbell
    irishbell
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    I feel I have to say this – as I am older and much more cynical-
    Please do not let him fool you.

  • #208811

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    DivorcedMotherOf3: Glad it went well.

    You can find meetings in Georgia through this link:

    http://www.ga-al-anon.org/Library/meetings.html

    And info:

    http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa980225.htm

    Best wishes to you.

  • #208817
    Profile photo of ninakk
    ninakk
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Glad it went so well. Hopefully he won’t screw it up, mainly thinking of your boys.

  • #208824

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Irishbell, – no fear, I am quite cynical, too. I don’t really expect this to end well… if I have any hopes it’s because I want to have them for the boys, and I recognize their futility – he will only change if he wants to, and he’s trundled along for 36 years quite nicely on his charisma and not much else. I’m immune now to his charm :)

  • #208831
    Profile photo of irishbell
    irishbell
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Dmo3- you are a smart cookie, indeed!

  • #208834

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    The best way to protect your self and the children especially is to learn about the disease of alcoholism and/or addiction which is also referred to as “the family disease.”

    Once when the ex of the woman I used to know didn’t show up after calling and screaming over the phone that he was going to come and get his son to take him out – she and her cousin waited in fear while the son was actually looking forward to seeing him – but the woman’s ex never showed up. It made for overall trauma drama – but had she understood the disease she could have taken other action than let him threaten the family or at the very least talked to her son, “You know it’s not you. When dad does drugs he says he’s going to do things and then doesn’t follow through. That’s just how he is. I know you feel disappointed though – do you?”

  • #208847
    Profile photo of JayEff
    JayEff
    Member

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    This situation is dicey, and I respect how you are handling it.

    From what you have said, your ex has visitation rights, but none of the details have been specified. If he were to go to court, a judge might grant him visitation that is NOT on your terms, such as unsupervised visitation or weekly or monthly stays with him during the summer (depending on his housing situation). A judge might also order you to tell your ex where his children live and go to school.

    When figuring out how to handle the situation, factor in the chances of your ex going to court and the chances of him getting visitation or information that you do not want him to have.

    Best of luck to you.

  • #208850

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Thanks, JayEff.

    He didn’t even bother to show for court for the divorce proceedings. He’s chronically broke, and one inch away from living on the street, has no job or income stability, a record of drug arrest, and is very unlikely to go back to court because he knows if he does I’ll trot out all the stuff that he could still be arrested for. I think I’m fairly safe at this point – he’s more of an annoyance than anything. I am being wary, however, and if he gives me trouble I’ll do restraining order plus go back to court myself since I can actually afford it.

  • #208851

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    NTCH, with marijuana abuse it’s sometimes even worse than alcohol because you have the added illegality and the second hand effects of the smoke mixed with horrible judgement calls. I won’t even let him have unsupervised visits with the kids because he simply won’t stop smoking weed.

  • #208876

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    http://nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Georgia.html

    Good for you. Sounds like a wise decision.

  • #208894

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    DMof3 I am sorry for your difficulties and I think you have handled it well. I hope for the sake of your boys that he does stay on the right track, although this does seem unlikely. They will probably come to the realisation that he is not a good person to have in their lives despite his charm. I think you are very wise to be cautious, both now and as time passes.

    Be careful of your online presence. If you have facebook be wary of posting pictures of your children so they can be viewed by people who are not your friends. Also watch out for school activities or sporting clubs where they publish results or reports in a local paper or online.

  • #208904

    Thought I decluttered an ex – but no such luck

    Oh, and also, unless you break the cycle and treat the disease, it will pass on to your children and their children so please learn about it and address it full on. One of the best places to start are al anon and nar anon, and books you can borrow or buy.

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