I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I am unhappy with the way I manage my time and with the fact I have become a HUGE procrastinator! I am one of those people who needs to know WHY, so I am trying to figure out why I am the way I am about getting things done. For as long as I can remember, I have been an "all or nothing" person. I HATE being interrupted and not being able to finish what I start. My daughter has been hone schooled for the past 15 months due to health reasons. She is pretty much home 24/7 and for some reason, I just don't feel like I can get anything done when she is around. I feel the same way about my husband...I get SO much done when the both of them are not in the house. Like oodles and oodles of stuff! I guess because I know for sure I won't be interrupted and that gives me the hope that I can actually finish what I start. With my daughter being home since November 2010, I feel like just about everything in the house is a disorganized mess. Even though she is 13, she still demands a lot of attention. I honestly cannot remember the last time we had a real schedule...or the last time I have started the laundry and actually finished it...instead it is piles of clothes left in the laundry room...loads sitting in the dryer for days on end...no one can seem to find anything...myself included.
So...my struggle is that I won't start a project (or anything, for that matter) if I don't know for sure I can finish it. Our house flooded 2 months ago...repairs have been finished for about a month and I have yet to put the house back together...the little things like framed photos, candles, nick nacks, etc. Today my daughter went to a friends for a few hours and I was all gung ho to get some work done, but after dropping her off, I came home and kinda wandered from one room to the next! Then my husband came home early and I was like "forget it...momentum is ruined". And here I sit beating myself up for not using the time she was gone to get some stuff done. Why do I do this? I have read it is a form of perfectionism, but I don't really agree with that. I certainly do not feel like a perfectionist!
If you got this far, I thank you for reading this!! If anyone has some insight to share with me, I would LOVE to hear it! I am so happy to have found this forum...it gives me such comfort to know others struggle with the same things that I do. I really want to turn my life around because I see my daughter taking after me with the messes and piles and procrastination and I so do not want her to be 43 years old and struggling the way I am. Why couldn't she have taken after her father?! :)
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Posted 4 months ago #
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Dear friend, I share so many if your feelings. i do think that there's some perfectionism going on, at least in my case. I think you have to cut yourself some slack though, because you've had a huge shift in your life, not to mention the worry of a child with health concerns.
I'm typing on my little tablet (which is slow going) so I won't be as long winded as usual. But I encourage you to join us on the ATAD thread - it will help you practice and develop the mindset that doing just a little at a time is ok. It will help to clear your space and therefore your head so you can start to think more clearly and be more focused when you do have time for a longer effort. And I bet that slowly but surely you'll start to find that you have the energy to get roiutnes re-established and little fixes done too. At least, that's what's happening to me!
Posted 4 months ago # -
Is it that your idea of "all" is too broad? Break the task down into steps. If any step is too big, or too long, so that you despair of finishing it before you are interrupted, break it down even further. Instead of a three-hour task, you may have twelve fifteen-minute tasks. You can feel GOOD if you check off even one. "I'm making progress! Yay me!"
Same principle as the thing-a-day thread. Instead of one, huge, threatening, looming task, take it a bit at a time.
Posted 4 months ago # -
Please read the book callsed: 168 Hours, You have More Time than you Think by Laura Vanderkam. It is really useful for that kind of stuff.
Also - I am a fan of Barabra Sher and she says, if you want to do something you go ahead and do it. You only procrastinate on things that you think should be done but you don't actually want to do them. How many of those things do you have on your list? Most things just don't have to get done!
Also, the first book really helped me with living in the moment, enjoying the time spent with my son (as previoulsy I was always counting the hours until his bed time, so I can do stuff), etc. It put a lot of things in perspective.
Good luck!
Posted 4 months ago # -
Sounds like there is a bit of perfectionism going on, I know that when I have a bit of free time and I could be doing some craft projects, I tend not to start anything unless I have all my stuff out in preparation, then I don't start because I can't find a particular tool or set of beads for jewellery making so then I give up and watch the T.V.! I did read somewhere about not worrying about something being perfect as it stops you from even starting, just jump in and do it now and perfect it later if need be. Just the act of starting gets the ball rolling and usually the task or project ends up being good enough anyway (or even better than expected!) I think this was from the book 'Done' by Don Aslett.
I think Zora's advice sounds good for you, breaking up a large task into bite size pieces, as you are worried about being interrupted so you don't start. You can fit these smaller tasks in between housework and looking after your daughter plus you can have the satisfaction of ticking them off your 'to-do' list.
You mentioned having chores that haven't been completed such as the laundry and putting back your knick-knacks etc. Perhaps you could give yourself a main task or aim for each day and aim for completing it by the end of the day, such as getting a laundry load put on, getting the dry out of the dryer and putting it away, - doing this bit by bit in-between other tasks, but hopefully getting it done and ticked off at the end of the day. Same with your ornaments, perhaps you could do it a room per day so it doesn't seem such a large task.
You said also that you haven't got a schedule set up either, just wondered if it would help if you did 10 minutes basic tidying in each room - making beds, clearing surfaces, quick vacuum or carpet sweep etc, so at least everywhere is basically tidy. Then concentrate on your day's main task to be completed.
Just some ideas, hope they could be of help.
Posted 4 months ago # -
I don't know if your daughter's health allows this, but can you two do some of the chores together? That way you would feel that the basics are covered, and then you could focus on the home schooling without guilt. Do you have a home schooling schedule? Could you make a flexible one perhaps? Are you feeling like you should be concentrating on your daughter instead of doing your housework/laundry/whatever? I home educated my older son for 6 months or so and I found it difficult adjusting to the lack of schedule (though not as hard as having a kid who was unbearably miserable at school). I struggle with routines: I find them restrictive but also helpful at getting stuff done and feeling motivated. You sound like you need some sort of routine, even if you have to force yourself into it. I agree that breaking stuff into little bits will definitely help. So instead of thinking 'I can't put all this laundry away, it'll take hours', think 'I'll just take one pile now and then do another pile tomorrow/this evening.
Oh yes, and http://iprocrastinate.libsyn.com/ is a podcast I found very useful in tackling my own procrastination issues. I'm much better than I used to be, finding out why you procrastinate is really the key to helping overcome the worst of it (though it's still a natural human tendency!).Posted 4 months ago # -
@lottielot...she is 13, so trying to get her to do ANYTHING is like pulling teeth! My problem is that I have this mental block where I feel I have to have the house to myself with large blocks of time in order to get anything done. I feel like i have to do all of it, or none of it. Thankfully, my daughter is going back to school next week :)
@PJ and Stella....thanks for the suggestions..I am going to look for that book
@Zora...yes, my idea of "all" is too broad, but when i have lots of big projects to work on, I am just not able to break it down into smaller tasks. I WANT to do it all, from start to finish and be done! I don't get a sense of accomplishment when I do a little at a time
@clutterbug22.... You totally understand where I am coming from!! The example you mentioned about crafting isbtotally something I would do! I guess that is the perfectionistic part of this..if I can't do it 100% right, then I am not going to do it at all.
Thank you all for your ideas and support! I'd love to hear more :-)
Posted 4 months ago # -
I skimmed through your post really quickly so it might be that I might shoot past the bull's eye, but I'm thinking:
- perfectionism with the typical all-or-nothing pattern; fight to break it myself and a solution is to assign only a task at a time that will take a maximum of a quarter of an hour to finish or if you keep your boxes in the garage then take just one box because if you get distracted you can simply shove the stuff back into it instead of creating more mess.- procrastination is a mechanism of self-defence? I have been "diagnosed" to use it as a primary defence under stress.
- non-acceptance of what has happened? I could see myself not accept hardship of the kind you've been through by pretending it hasn't happened, which would lead to not accepting the need for new routines. A solution even if you have accepted it without major troubles would be to sit down and write a list in no particular order of the tasks you *need* to get done and then add tasks you *would like* to get done should there be extra blips of time while your daughter might be caught up in an assignment or such. Like Erin has written on her blog part of Unclutterer, there are surprisingly few tasks that *have* to get done in order for a house to if not rise above water then at least stay afloat as opposed to start sinking.
Posted 4 months ago # -
Labbielady,
I'm curious as to why you feel you need to finish a task in one hit. Does it stem from childhood experience at all?
I eventually managed to unwind a perfectionist attitude to being able to do things 'good enough' after seeing a counsellor when I was depressed. It really all came down to having my mental bossy parent's voice(Dad's) telling me that I had to be perfect and best at things to be loved, even if he never said those words, it was how I perceived myself in relation to him.Posted 4 months ago # -
Netleigh...I am sure my feelings come through issues with my Dad, too. He was a total slob and I never wanted to be like him, so I would go out of my way to keep my room "just perfect" and then whenever my life got crazy and I got too busy, my room would become a disaster and I would take a day to clean it and restore the order in my room, as well as in my brain. Growing up, my house was complete chaos...it was clean, but my mom did everything for us kids and we were never taught routines, chores, or anything about those simple kinds of things. When something broke, it never got fixed. My dad couldn't tell a pair of scissors from a screwdriver! However, I still don't understand why I have this strong need to have to do everything at once. .?
Not to be sexist, but I am always joking with my daughter that she HAS to marry a man who can fix things! My husband can fix anything and always does it the right way. It was such a relief when we were first dating, my car broke down and he came and helped me, fixed my car and didn't yell at me (my dad was a big yeller)
So, obviously my issues stem deep! LOL! I need therapy! :-)
Posted 4 months ago # -
My take: Soul-searching and introspection are wonderful things, but they won't get your house clean and organized.
I was a member of this forum for one year (Nov 2010 to Nov 2011) before I finally got my butt in gear and started participating in a productive way. Until then, my posts and my decluttering efforts had been scatter-shot at best.
I spent the first 9 months of that year talking to a psychotherapist about the very question you've asked: Why do I do this to myself? Why do I self-sabotage, procrastinate, and avoid. Why am I distracted, exhausted, and unmotivated.
When I stopped seeing the therapist, I started reading this forum with new intent.
I closely observed the members who were actually getting somewhere with their decluttering projects. I tested out some of their methods. I figured out which methods worked for me and which ones didn't. To my view, ATAD (a thing a day) was the most powerful method of all. Small but mighty.In November 2011, I jumped into the ATAD thread. I made a commitment to myself to just do it. Nobody else was going to do it for me. And guess what? It's working.
I have a clean and functional closet now. Next month my papers will be put in order.
I come to this forum every day for guidance and support and inspiration. Then I get up from the computer and DO IT.Posted 4 months ago # -
I second Ella's suggestions. I have spent over 60 years perfecting my procrastination skills. Reading and doing research on a topic are my favorite delaying techniques.
I pick TINY tasks to do and then do them. Example: I needed to set up a better file system. I recognized this need for months. Finally, I worked on one category, didn't finish it and was totally stressed at the end of the hour or two I spent. Today, I worked on a different, 5 folder category and when I finished, felt good and eager to continue on to another. The project isn't done but I have started and I know I will finish it. Lottielot's suggestion of doing just one pile of laundry is the same approach.
So, if you're reading this, now go and do one thing. Good Luck!
Posted 4 months ago # -
After years of stagnation, last year I adopted a "Start anywhere" attitude with projects, including decluttering. If I had waited for the perfect circumstances or enough time to finish something, I'd still be waiting.
At some point, if you want to make progress you'll have to learn to break things down into smaller units. Yes, it'll feel uncomfortable and unfinished; but it'll *work*. Don't even try to change the underlying psychology of it all at this time; just pick up one small thing and do something with it or about it.
And then pick up one more... That's how it starts.
Posted 4 months ago #
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