what exactly is an "heirloom" anyway?

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what exactly is an "heirloom" anyway?

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Started 9 months ago by chacha1
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chacha1
Member

One of the recurring themes here is the inherited item, or collection of items, that is causing stress to a prospective unclutterer. The stress may be:

purely emotional (e.g. "This belonged to Granny but I want to get rid of it"); or

ostensibly financial (e.g. "This could be worth money so I should try to sell it but I just want to get rid of it"); or

unrealized resentment (e.g. "I never wanted this in the first place and everyone else wants me to keep it but I just want to get rid of it").

After quite some time reading the site and the forums, it seems to me that there is a common subtext. What happens when we add "so I must be a bad person" to the end of any of the above dilemmas?

I just get the sense sometimes that we become very self-critical and self-doubting when we start out on the uncluttering journey. And if family stuff is involved, it's as if we feel we must request permission to do what we want to do. Or as if we're not sure we have the right to do what's right for *us.* Because seriously ... why else would so many of us be so troubled over clearing unwanted clutter out of our homes and lives?

The reality is, no matter what family associations there are with a suite of furniture, or a collection of dolls, or a set of china - these things have NO intrinsic value, not in this day and age. Unless the flatware is sterling silver and the furniture is Chippendale and the rug is Aubusson, we're talking about ordinary, probably mass-produced home furnishings that just happen to have been in the family. No matter how nice they are, we would never get back what they are "worth." Because they aren't "worth" anything to anyone else.

100 years ago, when you couldn't furnish an apartment for less than a week's pay, an argument could be made that the hand-crocheted tablecloth or Grandpa's walnut table were heirlooms. I'm not sure we can make the case anymore.

I had the tablecloth hand-crocheted by Granny, by the way. I never used it. I never *would have* used it. Nobody else in the family wanted it (though some of them thought I should keep it). I finally took it to Goodwill. And you know what? Granny is not haunting me!

Obviously, people will have different thoughts about heirlooms. What are yours?

Posted 9 months ago #
liag
Member

Spot on, Chacha1, and brilliantly stated. It does seem that people are confusing people and our fond memories of/respect for them, and things associated with these people. Two different things! I am with you 100%. I don't need needlework, vases, or other "stuff" to preserve my beautiful memories of people whom I miss. Maybe it's symbolism? Concreteness?? Materialism??? Actually, I think it's either fear of other family members' criticism re one's "coldness" and confusion of representations with souls. Donate the tablecloth; hold the memory.

Posted 9 months ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

Hi chacha - Various things I've read have helped me to remember that if the person truly loves / loved me, they wouldn't want me to be burdened with their stuff and that generally they'd only want me to keep something if I wanted it.

There are some things I have even though they have no practical or financial worth because of the fun memories that come with them. For instance, I have a deep pan that is smaller in area than I remembered from childhood that my grandmother used to make the most wonderful rice puddings. I don't use it for any real purpose (my husband doesn't eat rice pudding so I'd just be a waste to make a batch since I can't eat it all) but I keep it for the fun memories. Same goes for the miniature sewing machine from my childhood that no longer works (be cool if I could find someone to repair it though).

Posted 9 months ago #
Another Deb
Member

To me, "heirloom" meens that some one treasured it and I also treasure it or truly need it.

When I bought my first home I had no dining room set. Out from an aunt's basement came my great-grandmother's oak table and chairs. My parents brought them 800 miles out to me. They were used for three more years and then I married and moved to a house they don't fit into. The chairs are so delicate that they were not safe for my lead bottom to wiggle around in or comfortable for my tall, chair-tipping husband to sit in.

Enter a newlywed friend, built like a bird, who happened to be over to the house and admired the set sitting in the garage. Factor in that she had an empty pickup truck with her that day. End result: I declared her a long-lost relative and the chairs went to live quite happily in her home. Three year later she tells me how much she loves them.

Before I had the need, I was totally unaware of the furniture. It cluttered someone's basement and might have never come to light until I happened to need it. Why should I feel guilt about passing it along?

Posted 9 months ago #
chacha1
Member

Hi Deb, no reason whatsoever to feel guilt! Exactly my point.

I am unsentimental to the max, and yet even I have felt that twinge: oooh, this silverplate coffeepot, it's so pretty and Granny wanted me to have it ... . LOL It's gone!

Posted 9 months ago #
arthelemis
Member

Since my mother is the last one living on her side of the family, a lot of ''heirloom'' stuff came into our possession. It's been 5 years since the last one passed away and here what is remaining from the 3 different household that we inherited. Keep in mind that this is three COMPLETE household, with furniture, everyday china, good china, and full assortment of randoms knick-knacks collected through the life of 7 persons who all lived until their late 80's

- Three handmade wool blankets. Used daily in the winter

- Two cedar chest. They are used to store out of season linen, away from the moth

- Walnut curio cabinet. Made in 1918. Retrofitted with lights by my grandfather and it now hold my father's crystalware collection. This is really beautiful to look at.

- Real pearl necklace that my mother often wear, and the wedding rings of her parents on a gold chain. She also had her godfather's pocket watch mounted in a frame on a request from my brother.

Everything else was regular junk, not better than what we had. We gave away / sold everything else in the past 5 years. Did we have any regrets ? NO!!!! ABSOLUTELY NO !!!! We kept the high quality objects and they all have a high sentimental value but they are also practical objects. And we didn't had any trouble with ghosts coming in the night to haunt us because we didn't kept the silverware from great-auntie !! So go ahead. If you don't use it, if it don't make you smile or feel good or if you already have a better version of it, GET RID OF IT !!! You won't regret it, believe me.

Posted 9 months ago #
Irulan
Member

There seem to be a lot of facets to the heirloom issue. Items that were treasured by people we've lost seem to take on more meaning than they actually have. It's not bad to keep these things if we actually like them and want them. Like all uncluttering, we just have to draw the line between what items are and aren't meaningful to us.

The guilt and/or commentary from other family members is a somewhat separable issue, I think. The fault doesn't really lie with the objects or even with the question of keeping them, but with the uncomfortable family dynamics that get brought up when one person is designated keeper by the other people who "want" the stuff but don't want to be inconvenienced by dealing with it. The only way to really deal with that is to adhere to your own boundaries - anyone who wants the stuff has to keep it.

I have a few things that have no financial or material or historical value, but I keep them because they matter to me. A beloved aunt passed away when I was a child. After her funeral, my uncle gave me a stuffed dog that she'd had with her in the hospital for comfort. I still have the dog because it reminds me of her gentle smile.

Posted 9 months ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

I think the other thing that helps is to recognise the emotion associated with keeping or not keeping an item, treat it with respect but don't let it hold you.

For instance, I had a mug on my desk that I bought at a family reunion (my DH's side in fact) that has a family 'crest' printed on it. I had been happily using it until a few days ago when I realised that the chip in the rim was not just a chip but a crack so it is not a good mug to use. Because I liked the mug and its association with the family reunion, I am disappointed that I had to toss the mug out. Because of that I put off doing something with it ["Can't I use it for storing pens!" :-)] but I have now taken a photo of the crest and tossed the mug in the bin.

Now, my mug story may be fairly facetious to some (it's not actually an heirloom) but the process for heirlooms would be fairly similar - "Why am I holding onto this embroidered tablecloth that I don't use? Because it belonged to Aunt Mabel and if I give it away I'll be losing something of her/have other family members cross at me. That thought makes me sad/fearful". Then work out how you want to deal with the emotion - "I will take a photo of the tablecloth to treasure the memory of Aunt Mabel and give it to a friend who admires and uses embroidered tablecloths/2nd cousin John."

Posted 9 months ago #
Sky
Member

Heirlooms need to fall into the same category as anything else....is it useful or beautiful and do you love it?

How did we become so attached to inanimate objects? I have heirlooms that I really love but sometimes wonder why. They aren't the person that owned them. Guess it's just the memory.

Posted 9 months ago #
jbeany
Member

Heirlooms are things you inherited that you actually want to keep. Everything else is an estate sale waiting to happen!

Posted 9 months ago #
Another Deb
Member

I get a really wonderful feeling when I discover a treasure at a thrift shop or yard sale. I imagine the person who owned or made this item and feel connected to the universe when I become the current owner of such an object. I am willing to allow my own objects or inherited itms to be set free in the same way.

My DH and I are now being held hostage to an heirloom. His departed brother left us with a prize-winning big boy toy that he had poured his love and energy into, customizing it until is it almost without function. Neither of us is into this lifestyle item but his mother insists that we try to sell it for an exorbatant amount of money as a way to honor the brother's memory. It's been a year and cost a lot in energy, stress and favors to allow this item to stay on our agendas with no end in sight.

Posted 9 months ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

Another Deb - In your shoes I'd be telling the MIL that if she wants it sold, she has to sell it and keep it with her until it's sold otherwise I would deal with it in my own way (tossing / selling for scrap) and in my own time (quickly). If the dearly departed left it with you, not her, then it is your choice as to what you do with it, not hers.

Posted 9 months ago #
Another Deb
Member

Laetitia, You're preachin' to the choir baby!

Posted 9 months ago #
genny
Member

Ohh, heirlooms!

I have a few of those 1950s crocheted tablecloth/bedspreads made by my mom and by husband's grandmother. What a lot of time put into crocheting a large item with string! How many hours and turns of the crochet hook it took! And, who has ever used them?
They are totally impractical and useless. I am sure that not even those who made them ever used them. I know that I never saw them anywhere in the house when I was growing up. I expect that Momma made them and promptly put them away for "good". Well, there was never that much "good" in our house.
Those things were popular in the mid century. Many a housewife sat down in the evening to watch the Ed Sullivan show and crochet these things.
I did manage to use a piece of heirloom crochet on each table at daughter's wedding. Now, I have a lot of little doileys and such that I plan to farm out to the newest generation for whom it will be a piece of their great grandmother's legacy.

That was also the era of all those colorful potholders. At least they were practical. We still have a stack of them from hubby's grandmother. Actually, everyone in the family has a stack of them and grandma has been gone for a very long time. Whew, what a lot of them she made!

I also have a silver plated tea set that Daddy gave to Momma on whatever anniversary. He did not know much about such finery. Someone just told him that silver was the gift to give, and he did. Momma had no more use for a silver tea set than she did for an extra toe! We drank our tea cold, out of a jelly jar.
So, now it resides with me. I am going to give it to my son in law who recycles metal. I have no idea what he can get for it, but that thing has just been stored for over 50 years in one place or another. I have absolutely no need for it, whatsoever. I may keep the silver plated tray, maybe.

I also have a cedar chest that I have to struggle to find a place for.

There is one item that I hope my family will value when I die. That is my cast iron skillets. I have used them almost everyday for the whole 40 odd years of keeping house. Almost every meal that I have served my family has come from this set of skillets for a very long time. Almost every meal begins with a hot iron skillet.

Other than that, I tell my kids that I am in the process of ridding my life of useless items so that they will not have to make all of those decisions. The term "heirloom" is a loaded term. Interesting that some new items are advertised as being "heirloom"! WTHeck is with that!

Son in law has a piece of franken-furniture that he is refusing to part with, even though they are stressed for space in their little townhouse and expecting a baby. (Think what you would get if you morphed a coffee table with an old metal desk chair.) His grand daddy make it. Woe to me to argue with SIL! I have to stop at becoming an interfering mother in law. I do battle with my daughter over the excess stuff in her house, but, I will not step on his toes. Grand daddy also painted the little useless desk that they have no place for. He has not yet arrived at "zen".

Posted 9 months ago #
mskris
Member

I agree with jbeany. Inherited furniture and stuff I parted with easily. It's the priceless, irreplaceable, and antique items that are heirlooms to me. I inherited a ring that is a combination of my mother's and father's wedding rings (gold from dad's, diamonds from mom's) that I love and wear often.

I have the dollhouse that was handmade for my eldest sister ~1947 - I hope to repair and refurnish it for decoration. I played with it a lot as a child and I love it. I have the teddy bear given to my eldest sister (who passed in 2006) on her christening. It was handed down to each of us kids in the family and I still have it. I have a cut lead-crystal pitcher and bowl that sat on the dining room table my whole childhood - they're beautiful and I love them - now on my own dining table. I'm also using my mom's waterford crystal (which I couldn't afford today), and will be donating my own cheap crystal soon. I have and use a table from my grandmother's home (antique). I have a set of demitasse cups that were my grandmother's - they are so unique - I've never seen anything quite like them (each cup/saucer is a different shape/pattern) and they hang on my dining room wall in a specially made shelf.

All those things I enjoy and admire. If my kids want to toss them after I'm gone I'm fine with that, but right now they enrich my home and remind me of my childhood. Both my parents were only children and I never knew my grandparents, so these things mean a lot to me. I don't consider them burdensome.

Posted 9 months ago #
susanintexas
Member

We've been talking about my 90-year-old MIL's "heirlooms." DH is much more sentimental than I am and I've been worried that when the time comes we'll end up with a houseful of her stuff (his sister is even less sentimental than I am.)

We've talked about some ground rules -- nothing comes into this house that doesn't "fit" -- no storing stuff in the garage or attic. For furniture, this means that something else has to go -- our house isn't that big. We've reached concensus about some of her collections -- like the 250+ ceramic basset hounds. They are not coming into this house. He agrees.

The conversation is an awkward one, but I feel better having it now rather than waiting until emotions are much more fraught.

Posted 9 months ago #
Sky
Member

Where do you keep 250 ceramic basset hounds? Wow!

Posted 9 months ago #
pkilmain
Member

LOL Genny, my mom and grandmother crocheted all the time: tableclothes, doilies, and yes, bedspreads. And they used them all! When I was kid charged with cleaning the house, I swore I would never have doilies on every flat surface in the living room (a table by each chair, one at either end of the couch, a coffee table) or on all the furniture (backs and arms) - and I don't! In addition to having to move and replace all of them to dust/vacuum several times a year they all got washed and starched. The tableclothes/bedspreads were lovely and I have no idea what happened to them. I don't have them, maybe my sister does, but I doubt it.

Posted 9 months ago #
Rosa
Member

I totally use the crocheted tablecloth. We use a tablecloth for every day, so to make things "special" for holidays I put the lace one over it - I'm actually on a storebought one now, because the handmade ones wore out.

But my mom had to get rid of a lot of furniture when she downsized, because I wouldn't take it. It made a friend of hers really, really happy (and it was actual heirloom, some brought over when my great-grandparents immigrated, some purchased as antiques in the '30s.)

I think a lot of the value in stuff is the opportunity to talk about/show it to people. I have a box of things from grandparents that I look at with my little boy sometimes, mostly photos. I don't think the people would seem real to him at all without the things. I know my great-grandparents only seem real to me in the tools they used and the photos/letters they left behind.

Posted 9 months ago #
PaulT00
Member

My grandmother knitted and crocheted extensively. Somewhere I still have a crocheted bedspread she made for me more than 30 years ago, and a couple of pullovers she knitted for me more recently. But the lady herself wasn't really an accumulator - when she died my sister had most of the furniture from her home (which actually in some cases I would have liked as a lot of it was very good quality and would outlast almost anything one might buy these days!) and I took a few items. A couple of ruby glass vases, an etching, a clock, nothing of great value. The biggest item I took away was a wardrobe - big enough that it comes apart into 6 sections for transport. It's so big it actually wouldn't fit in any room in her home in one piece, made from American Black Walnut, and was inherited from her father. It has a personal connection in that years before I was born my late father took a saw to the plinth and the cornice piece and cut them 1/3 and 2/3. The big section fitted in one bedroom in grandmother's house and the small section fitted in another. A few years ago I had a professional restorer put it back together again - and my home is big enough that it will fit in any of several rooms in one piece. You can still - just - see the join...

Other heirlooms for me are small items. My father's watch and signet ring (I wear the signet every day and the watch now and then); a pendant my father gave my mother, my other grandmother's wedding ring (which I wear on the little finger of my left hand - she had very delicate fingers!). And a number of tools which belonged to Dad, which I still use. I think that's the key - if it doesn't have immediate sentimental value for me or it's not something I will use, I'd rather someone else have the use of it.

Posted 9 months ago #

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