All is fair in love, and Yes I admire him for bringing this to my attention, it was all there within my mind, yet to watch it on TV, show after show, with him laughing, as I felt my heart break. I basically knew what Happened in my Life to change me to a hoarder, and cluttering person. He was part of the reason, the more he laughs at me and has even tried to get me from changing my diet, and put back the 40 pounds I lost was for him to eat and laugh at me. Not having a pity party here, it's hurtful sabatoge from My Unconditional Love, My Partner of 27 years. It's only been five days since I decided, go for it Snow, DeClutter, you have been through toughter times in your life, this is nothing. I get in gear, and he needs to go through my gargage bags, he's pulling things out that do I don't even care about anymore, I am not a teen, I am a grown woman who is not worrying how many gold bracelets I should have on. I have One, it's Not Gold, Too Bad, It's Purple, and been on my arm since I lost My Dad to Pancreatic Cancer, and was his caregiver! Yes, it cost me $1.00 and I am walking for Pan Care this year, since I lost my weight ..Yeah!!
Pancreatic Cancer has taken my Dad's 3 siblings, last was my very young Aunt.
He knows my weak spots, and hits them like a Dagger and It Is Wrong, Demeaning and just pure Low and Wrong. Any suggestions, I thought of going to a diner, or public place while sitting to avoid his confrontation, and he would lose his bantering and laughing and Yelling At Me? Help Please, snow
What Do You Do With Your Husband Who Is Sabotagging You Just Like Your Weight
(30 posts) (14 voices)
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Posted 1 year ago #
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Go to amazon.com and enter "the emotionally abused woman" and a list of books will appear. Perhaps one of them could help you now.
Good luck.
Posted 1 year ago # -
frankly, i'd be decluttering anyone who treated me like that.
i mean, he'd be the FIRST thing out the door.Posted 1 year ago # -
Thank you for being very honest with me, I look forward to Monday, I have my favorite doctor for cognitive therapy for depression, and I have a whole hour and half to let him know, what I have been doing, yet.. him and his wife are the same way:) Yet, I will ask him to bring my husband in, and confront him, I will never tolerate abuse from a Man Never, and Shame On Him, he know's I am Low and hurt at the moment, yet he should know, I have Unconditional Love for him, I am certain he does, he was just so proud like a Peacock to Fling His Feathers At Me, Until Monday, My Shrink will beat him right down to where he knows he belongs, and if does continue this is the place he took me to live a broken down trailer, because he has horses on this farm, I went from city girl to Green Acres, and I don't belittle him for him, I put up beautiful curtains, I fix the place up, yet it's Old and Should Not Be Lived In, yet his life before me was training horses, I am not the type to ask him to give that up, it's His Being, He is a Wonderful Trainer and I build his spirt with Faith, which he lost when he lost his Parents, both at a very young age in Italy.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I agree with ntch and Bandicoot. Try googling Emotional Abuse and you may find some specific sites to give you some insight into both your husband's behaviour and your responses.
Posted 1 year ago # -
i don't really know anything about the methods of psych drs, but is it usual to get them to do the dirty work with the spouses? ie bring them in and confront them?
Posted 1 year ago # -
When abuse is involved my understanding is that the couple is never treated together, at least initially. And I would have the same reservation and red flag waving as bandicoot.
Good luck to you. Remember, it's a dance - are you doing the steps or refusing the part?
Posted 1 year ago # -
I have been seeing him for many years, he's like a good friend of both of ours, yet he's my Doctor and I highly respect him. Yes, when I have had issues he has brought him in, to hear both sides of the story. His interest is not working or curing my husband it's giving me the backbone without him there, he is not allowed to treat him, of course. Normally, this only happens about 2 x per year, around Holidays with us going to visit my family. Hubby plays on all the bad things they have done to me, and I wear my heart on my sleeve, blood is blood, I don't have to love what and how they do things in life, yet I can't control the Love I have for them and my nieces and nephews. By looking in their eyes, I see their pain in a different way, no one can walk a day in my shoes, nor can I ..in theirs. My soles may be worn, yet I Have Faith to heal, not be the heel.
Posted 1 year ago # -
My understanding is that couples counselling does not work when there's an abuse dynamic. I'm also not keen on the idea of confrontation; in my opinion, the counselling time would be better spent helping you form strategies for dealing with the situation.
(Disclaimer: I did declutter an abusive spouse about 10 years ago.)
Posted 1 year ago # -
Hello and Good Morning to you Astreja, Thank you for your advice and it's agreed upon, I need the complete time with my doctor, If I begged for help with panic, and depression, this is the same thing. Part of my healing from this which will remain on my mind is Why did My Husband bring this to my attention? Wake me up to tell me to watch myself, and laugh as though he was havning fun. I thought it was just constructive criticism, which is fine, bring that on to me, I can cope and deal, it may be one day at a time, but with my Deep Faith I will walk out of this maybe totally clutter free. He's on vacation, he's been and promised to help, has on some days, when I get 2 garbage bags and fill them with clothing and ask him to go bring them to the SPCA Dumpster. Actually, come to think of it, My Doctors wife gave me some things to sell for her online, I went to get them out of the Jeep, and poof they were gone.
What I am picking up here are signs of "Help Me" sounds better to him than, :I am woman hear me roar, maybe a ridiculous analogy, yet exactly Me, who I Am.
He loves to hear I am sick, and tells me go rest, take a nap. It's clicking and it's clicked prior, just somethings look better tucked in the armoir and a bundle of clothing in front, so I can't even open the door, which is where the few pieces of my Mom's jewelry and a small box of her perfume are still there. I can't wear them, I feel I couldn't save her, I don't deserve them, and these are pieces that the Funeral Director who knows me very well, from all my missions at church and in the community, I have done every eulogy and worked with the Masses etc, with him for years. A very big Catholic Italian family.
I am getting carried and yet will write it all down in my journal, I have kept jounals from a child, and written poetry since. Yet, I was asked once to give up a book of poetry from high school, that I had taken pictures to go with, and I did with no remorse. So possibly my clutter is rebellion to his yelling and just watching tv all day, ahh putting on channels to make me want the jewels, lol, the home products, hmm, even handbags, and I laugh at him and the tv, and feel like I have no need for the materialistic I need to Survive and Find Me.
this may have stirred the pot a bit more with realization that he may be asking for help with his 75 cars in my living room all in boxes from the 50's his collection.
His franklin Mint cars, his collection of quarters, his need for more socks, constantly. WOW!
I am fine, one thing, one day at a time. Tomorrow is my time alone, and again I thank you very much, and God Bless You for helping me. snow
Posted 1 year ago # -
hmmm, I would be uncluttering both the husband and the doctor...The uncluttering may be quite threatening to him and his sense of control over you, that may be the cause of his reaction? Life is too short to spend with someone who makes you feel bad, please get some (proper) help.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Steering away from this segment a moment, I am trying to change my password on here, is there a site map or place to do? ty for your help
Posted 1 year ago # -
Welcome Snow :o) I agree that it could be a good idea to unclutter both husband and doctor - but a good first step would be to make an appointment with a new doctor, just to get a new outside and professinal opinion. Best of luck to you!
I remember there being a post (on the blog? or a thread in the forum?) on how to find a therapist in your area specialized on hoarding/depression/other keywords - but I can't find it right now... Here are some links that I did find that could be helpful for you:
* http://unclutterer.com/2009/02/02/compulsive-clutter-in-new-york-city/
* http://unclutterer.com/2008/08/09/learning-more-about-compulsive-hoarding/ - be sure to check out the comments on this one
* http://unclutterer.com/discuss/topic/is-being-a-hoarder-or-clutter-collector-a-control-issue (I'm just guessing, but it could be possible that when you feel your husband tries to control you, you need something of your own to control, hence the hoarding)
* And for more threads in this forum on how to start decluttering when you're overwhelmed, you can look at all threads tagged 'overwhelmed'.On the password: When you are logged into the forum, you can click on your user name on the top right of the page. Then, you'll see "Profile Edit Favorites" on the right - click on "Edit". At the bottom of the page, you can change your password :o)
Posted 1 year ago # -
Good Morning and Thank You So Very Much for all words of wisdom and guidance.
I have put them into my favorites, and on my to do list. Also, changed my pw, great:) ty againPosted 1 year ago # -
Welcome, Snow! You know what, I get a feeling from your story that you are a sensible person and all that you would need is some fresh air from someone with a positive attitude. We all have our worse days, but life is too short for constant negativity. Sometimes it's scary to shake things up, but if you have come far enough to consult someone like us I think you are strong enough by yourself too.
Edit: I didn't mean to say you wouldn't benefit from talking with a professional, but maybe it could be useful to try someone else for a change?
Posted 1 year ago # -
ninakk
Hi there and thank you, I am Not Perfect nor Wise Enough, and that's why I am here looking and seeking desperately for help. Yes, Fresh Air To Breathe, I don't drive anylonger with my 8 herniations and degeneration of my spine, plus a tad of blood pressure, plus fibromyalga and a heart mumor that is watched monthly.I put a lot of pressure on myself, it's that coming from Parents who took you out for an Sunday ice cream drive every week, then Monday night came and I was 7 or 8, and it was time to scrub the church pews, and clean up the Altar, help upstairs, go home and study my catholic religion, plus make straight A's my entire life.
It's like someone took this Person who was so color coordinated with paper work files, discs, etc. and threw me into an antiquated land of unknown and fear of not being A District Supervisor, plus keeping my part time job as Program and Project Coordinator for a special charity. My niece was born with Muscular Dystrophy, so there I was, running the campaigns for money, walks, marathons, dance a thons, and I had to see the children 2 x per week with family and neurologist. Heart Breaking!!!
I wish I could still drive the parkway and throughways,and turnpikes and pound mall pavement for 20 hours at a time. So now I sell from home, and a very enthusiastic seller, as well as enjoying it to the most :) My husband takes me to all my doctors appointments, bio-feedback, meditation classes, pharmacy etc.
Please clarify strong enough by myself, I adore and cherrish the Man I Married, and He was in the war, with PTS, and refused help.
He feeds all the stray cats on this farm, and its huge, he shops with my list if If we are out of something. He hands me his card to pay the bills, without a word, never has asked where my money goes, since he knows, I carry certain bills, as he does, we work as a team in that aspect. When he looks into my eyes, we both know it's still Love to the fullest. He's kind hearted to all my nieces and nephews giving them love to to no end. My Parents loved him as he was their son, and he jumped for them, giving my Dad insulin, when I was not home, picking up Mom from the Mall, taking her shopping, helping her cook big dinners every Sunday.
No man does this for haha's I see his tears, he hates this place where we live, yet knows my clutter is money, that I need organized, He already took 3 postal big bins out to the room we added, to fill up my closets he put in so they were not all over our home, in boxes, and everywhere. That's 3 I just set up, and feel great, and plan on tackling the biggest feat, Our Kitchen Table, Why Can't you see the kitchen table, I purchased it for My Parents it's huge round marble, and has boxes very high on it, some unpacked still from maybe months ago. Yet I know they are there, and know what I have in inventory and it's quite a bit!!
I send friends who need things monthly a huge box to help them along with life. They have always stood by my side and know, I love to give:) they all have charities.
WOW, I needed to unclutter my brain... so very sorry..
Posted 1 year ago # -
Snow, this is so painful to even read. You are in denial and you need to get that man out of your life, even if it means you have to leave. 27 years?
You need immediate help whether you realize it or not.
This "dr." is doing you no good. If you cannot get thru to your partner, you cannot make someone else do it. How will this help you?
I'm truly sorry for your situation, but I honestly don't think you'll accomplish much unless you get help right away, from a different doctor. you can love and cherish someone all you want, but when they don't love or care for you back or abuse you in the name of "love" -you are in a no win situation and you will NEVER change him. Please help yourself, you cannot help him anymore. However, it sounds like you have been told this all before...you have to take the first step, Snow.Posted 1 year ago # -
Snow,
The more I read, the more I worry for your safety. Please realize that anything you post is open to the entire world and anything on the internet can be read years later. Since you are discussing individualized sets of details and you have a regognizeable writing style, a person you know may identify you.Posted 1 year ago # -
Hi Another Deb, you are so right, and If I didn't know better, I would feel like we knew each other. Sigh... Not a bad sigh:) So do you disguise your problems, and your life and lie to each other on here, to keep your indentity safe. I don't tweet, facebook nor anything else, no Ipod, no cell phone, no Mp3, or Mp4 nor any of the other gadgets to text. I am very private in my own way, what am I fearing, someone hunting me down? I don't IM, I don't Chat. I write to myself, in my own emails and journals. Do I Want Help or Not ?
Posted 1 year ago # -
Snow, I feel for you and for your husband. My dad, (who passed away just about 3 years ago, my brother and my husband all suffered/are suffering with PTSD. It's a difficult thing to love someone with any mental illness, and PTSD is really, really hard.
However, his illness and your love for him don't add up to him getting to make fun of you, set traps for you, or hold you back from the life you want for yourself.
Please look into talking with another doctor. If you live near a Veteran's Administration facility, there may be a support group for wives. If he is in the VA system, you may have rights to some kinds of care, depending on the level of his disability due to PTSD.
Helping yourself is a wonderful thing, and you're doing a great job. However, we often don't see ourselves very clearly, and we need other eyes and hearts to tell us what we can't see.
Please, please, please, look further for help for yourself, and don't let your husband hurt you any more.Posted 1 year ago #
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