http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/07/12/how-to-lose-a-legacy/
Interesting essay and I love the pictures.
You have to register with the NYT to see the article, but they do keep your info safe and they don't spam you. I believe that you can use a proxy service to read the NYT, but I don't have an URL for one; you'd have to google for it.
Good article! I just sent the link to my SIL who has clothes from high school. She is in her sixties. She has a lot of stuff and wants to keep it. She says when she dies, someone else can deal with it. LOL! I said, Poor _____, about her daughter. LOL
That's one reason I'm trying to get rid of some things. I don't want my son to have to deal with it all. I'm only sixty, but time passes quickly, and I don't want to be eighty and still have a lot of stuff!
My 92 year old grandmother passed away in June. She wouldn't get rid of anything either, and we got used to hearing "You can throw it all out when I die!" Yup, thanks for the permission, Gram. We filled a 20 yard construction dumpster in the first 4 days of cleaning - and that was just the stuff we couldn't possibly sell or recycle. I just finished loading the last of the leftover stuff that I couldn't even give away for free into the second dumpster, which was a 10 yard. It was full to the brim, just like the first one.
Do your family a favor - sort now! I have no idea if something truly important and meaningful to my grandmother was lost in the pile. There was so much to sort that in the end, we kept hardly anything because we couldn't stand dealing with it all.
Gosh! What a nightmare for you!
Don't worry! I don't have near that much stuff! I've gotten rid of so much already. :)
Good article.
I found this interesting...
Self-storage, says Richard Burt, a professor of English at the University of Florida, is about storing the self. When we place our personal effects in an air-conditioned locker, we put away part of our physical and emotional being, keeping it on life support for as long as we can foot the bill.
Maybe this could be applied to some of our hobbies as well. Do we keep them around because we don't want to let go of that piece of our former self?
Thanks for the link to the article, Zora! :o)
@JuliaJayne, yes, I also liked that part with "storing the self" - I sometimes think uncluttering is to transfer the memories from an item into my head, rendering the item useless afterwards ;o) I think you're absolutely right with the hobby equipment -- throwing out e.g. your dancing shoes means "I'm not a dancer anymore", and that can be hard to admit when you always thought you were one (even if you hardly ever danced in the last few years).
@trillie My husband's catching on that one, I'm afraid -- he has a violin he hasn't played in 15 years and amateur radio gear that's sitting in boxes in our basement. Those are his identity issues to sort out, but it makes me sad, now, to see anything forgotten and neglected. And there's the issue of our long-hoped-for move overseas: the equipment won't be any use there, and is he any more likely to make the time to play when we'll have a whole new continent full of happy distractions?
I will admit to a fondness for Richard's comment @#42: "I have done my duty and my duty does not include cherishing their 'stuff'." Based on observations of the uproar after the deaths of my grandparents, there is likely to be so much brawling amidst my own family members (biological and those acquired through several remarriages) when my parents die that I will be glad of an ocean's distance between us. I have copies of the important family photos and a handful of physical artifacts that were given to me while the giver was still alive, and that is enough.
My folks have a raised ranch style condo, 3 bedrooms- 2 up -1 used as an office, (with plenty of un-officey stuff in there), and 1 bedroom down. The rest of the downstairs is a large family room, which we used once or twice a year for family gatherings, but after both parents had serious medical issues, we moved the gatherings to my home(with reluctance from my mom) where there is room for everyone to have a seat so as not to have to sit on the floor and a seat at a table, so as not to have to balance a plate on your lap while sitting on the floor! Anywho-besides the family room is an exercise room/toy room which they never use to exercise and the kids are too old to play with the toys they won't get rid of. Then there are 2 large storage spaces, with clothes, boxes for birthday gifts for kids, grandkids and great grandkids. So basically their whole bottom level is storage- I can't even imagine going thru that stuff when the time comes. I can't think of more than a handful of things I'd want. I can't imagine leaving all that stuff for your kids to go through. There are 3 of us- 2 of which are not the most helpful. So, it will be up to me. Obviously not the worst problem in the world- but what a mess to leave behind.
Sorry for the long post, but with both parents not well at this point, this whole thing weighs on my mind - if I let it.
@jbeany - we did the same with my parents' house in 2005 - except they were still alive, just in nursing home (mother) and assisted living (stepdad). We had 3 of the 4 kids (plus my husband) there and it took a week to clean out their 4 room house in Florida, including my blind stepbrother shredding years of old bank statements. My stepdad had taken what he wanted to his AL place, and we sold the car first day. Otherwise, we filled up a large dumpster, donated clothing (much with tags still on) to thrift store, and dragged some stuff (like an ancient exercise bike) to the curb on trash day (it was gone in an hour!). I kept 1 fruitbowl that had been my grandmother's, one jacket of my mom's, and the paperwork I needed to sell the house. [My stepdad had given us all the family photos several years before when my mom went to the nursing home.] My sister tooks a handful of hand-crocheted doilies. Don't know what stepsis/brother took, but not much. When I hired a cleaner, the woman who came to price the job volunteered to take all of the kitchen stuff for a shelter she volunteered at. Yay! ANd with an aggressive realator, I sold the house within 2 weeks of coming home.
Remembering all of this - and how basically we saved nothing of our parents' possessions spurs me on in my decluttering efforts!
Years ago, my sister bought a house from the family of a lady who passed away. Her son said he was going to "leave a few things" for my sister. What he did was take anything of monetary value and left everything else. He left his mother's clothes, personal hygiene items, food, all her keepsakes, etc. My sister had no idea he had done this. She comes with all her stuff on moving day and finds she can't move in until she moves all this stuff out.
Moral of the story: Always ask for an inspection before closing on a house.
I use Firefox and had no problem reading the whole article without having to register with NY Times; loved the pictures. :-)
My 94 year old grandmother died last week (if your gran was anything like mine, I know how you feel jbeany); now those of us who live in the same city are doing the big clean out. Ma wasn't a hoarder in the sense of keeping stuff because "it might come in handy one day" but she did keep a lot of odd knick-knacks that people gave her over the years so there's a lot of physical stuff to deal with (never mind the emotionality of it all).
@pkilmain - yes, my sister and I have both become ruthless purgers. This is our second estate clearing, since our mother passed away a decade ago. Both mom and grandma saved EVERYTHING. At the end of Gram's estate yard sale, we both raised our hands and swore not to turn into them. It's not genetic, right? I hope!
@JuliaJayne -- "Maybe this could be applied to some of our hobbies as well. Do we keep them around because we don't want to let go of that piece of our former self?"
Could be. I haven't played my flute in years and years, but I'm not quite ready to give it away. I'm happy to lend it out... but I'm not quiiiiite ready to give it up altogether yet. I liked that part, too, about "storing the self"; it's an interesting perspective.
I also liked the part about the woman who lost a bunch of possessions because her ex didn't pay the rent on the storage place:
"These were cherished things that couldn’t be replaced. But dismay quickly gave way to feelings of lightness and freedom. She had come to enjoy living in an open space unburdened by things. It felt good to be emptied out."
That's a neat feeling/perspective to contemplate. Something to aim for, maybe. (I know I'm not there yet.)
Edited to add: There are some thoughtful and touching comments on that article, on the same Web page as the article.
I'm reading the comments on that article at the NY Times, and just came across the one that lucy mentioned, from someone named Richard ("I have done my duty and my duty does not include cherishing their 'stuff'."). He said a couple of things that I thought were really striking: "I no longer am oppressed by guilt passed down through the family like stocks and bonds" and "I am no longer haunted by my dead relatives and all of their fears, regrets, failed hopes and demands on my time." Sounds like a heck of a legacy to free oneself from.
My mother has been gradually working on sorting through the papers and Stuff in her house, and I'm very grateful for that. My dad's house, on the other hand, is still very full. I'm willing to help clear some of that out (we live in the same area), but until I have a handle on my own stuff, I'm not well situated to do much work on his & stepmom's house.
I'm 49, with no kids, but already thinking about making sure I don't leave a house full of Stuff behind for someone else to deal with. (I'm not terribly acquisitive, and don't like shopping, but when you live in one place for a couple of decades, Stuff has a way of accumulating.)
What am I going to leave behind me? Everything!
My parents are downsizing right now and finding it amazingly hard to get family members to take things. We live far away,or have houses with not enough space or the decor to absorb the excess.
Now they have gone through two rounds of garage sales and the house just got listed for sale. They are not at the end of the tunnel on the purge, but I think is is getting easier. Once you haul it outside for a yard sale and sit with it as strangers cast about for something they want, you begin to see that really, your "stuff" is just stuff. Send it to the church mission box, the Goodwill, the dump. Set it free so you can also be free!
As they get away from their stuff I believe they will begin to feel that lightness and start to look ahead to their clutter-free apartment and their remarkable life where they don't have to climb stairs, mow their own lawns or shovel snow.
@AnotherDeb: I think you're very wise and patient with your parents. If they can and will pack their favorite decorations/photos/etc first, maybe it will get easier for them.
Do your parents have any family or friends who have already made the transition to downsizing? Maybe seeing someone else's new remarkable life would be an encouragement, as well.
Sunshine, Actually that exact thing happened as we were touring senior living facilities in June. As we were taking the tour of the place we all liked the best, a lady from their church came down the hall and insisted that they come see her apartment which was decorated like a model apartment, but with her personal stuff! Until then, I think they were still in the fear mode that was keeping them from beginning the process.
AnotherDeb, I'm glad to hear that.
ugh it says cockroaches eat the glue in book bindings? I didn't know that.
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