Was making progress - and then a panic attack

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Was making progress - and then a panic attack

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Started 10 months ago by sleepykitten
Latest reply from mskris
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sleepykitten
Member

Hello! I've been lurking around the forums for some time and have gotten a lot of helpful advice - this is my first post.

I've been on a quest to minimize for years now, but it's been in the past year or so that I've REALLY made progress. I've donated boxes and boxes of items, etc., etc. and it has been fantastic. I've gotten better at purchasing only what I absolutely need. My husband and I recently agreed to stop getting each other birthday gifts, which I think will be good for us. Minimalism is always in the eye of the beholder, and I think some folks would look around the 900 square foot house I share with my husband and say, "wow. you've pared it down to the necessities." That being said, there is still enough stuff that I feel trapped by my possessions.

I know I want/NEED to unclutter some more, but I've hit a wall. The low-hanging fruit is mostly gone, and now it's on to the tough stuff - the trickiest pieces of aspirational clutter, gift clutter, sentimental clutter. Lately, I've been having panic attacks and feeling like I'm being suffocated by my things. And my husband's things (he isn't a packrat, but he is less devoted to paring down than I am). But despite feeling trapped my material items, I can't quite bring myself to get rid of anything else.

I need some solid tips for getting past this wall....

Has anyone else been there?

Thanks,
sleepykitten

Posted 10 months ago #
luxcat
Member

I would step back, take a deep breath, and give yourself some time.

I find for myself (everyone is different) inspiration comes in bursts, and that combing through my things again and again can be very a stressful process if I'm not in the mood to do it. The mood will surely strike again and you'll find it easier to tackle the tough stuff another day.

Don't put pressure on yourself, life is a process not a goal!

Posted 10 months ago #
Zora
Member

It's a lot easier to let go of things if you can look at them and say, "I haven't used this in a year." Which means waiting a year after the last purge -- unless of course you look at something one day and say, "I don't need that!" In which case you are ready to let it go.

Posted 10 months ago #
rutheverhart
Member

Hi Sleepy, congrats on what you've done. If I were you, I would ask myself what the anxious feelings are about. What is suffocating you? Is it that certain items trigger difficult memories? Every time we purge "stuff" we are purging a piece of our past (memory), or a piece of our future (what I could do with this) so it's normal to hit a lot of emotion. If it's the sheer volume of stuff, perhaps you could get a handle on what that volume represents to you. Is it waste? Is it being more consumptive than you would like to be? What does this stuff represent? Don't force yourself, and don't go too fast. Treat yourself gently, like you would if you were someone you loved! On a practical level, I know that sometimes it helps me to set something aside and go through it in two weeks or so. It looks different to me, my attachment has lessened. Sometimes I need to investigate value -- what is this really worth in terms of cash? That makes a difference. Good luck!

Posted 10 months ago #
JuliaJayne
Member

When I have felt that way I took a break from decluttering or tried to figure out why something was nagging at me constantly. One of the best things I ever did was to give myself permission to keep one big bin for those hard-to-get-rid-of-things. The bin sits neatly in my otherwise decluttered attic. Things that I kept were family heirloom or sentimental stuff. Once I removed those things from my thoughts, decluttering other things like unwanted gifts was much easier.

Posted 10 months ago #
susanintexas
Member

I have things that need to percolate a bit -- at least that's been my experience. I feel conflicted about them -- not especially wanting to keep them but not able to get rid of them, either. I set it aside -- mentally, physically or both -- and in a week or a month or a year I know what I have to do.

One of the good things about "A Thing a Day" is that it causes me to go through the entire house, so these things keep turning up.

Don't make yourself ill over this -- it's just stuff.

Posted 10 months ago #
Ella
Member

sleepykitten: Welcome! You will find a strong, supportive community here. We all share the common goal of living an uncluttered life. But sometimes "living" recedes in the background behind the focus on decluttering. Like Susan said above, I also need to let things percolate from time to time. It helps me regain perspective.

Decluttering, like any other activity, can become an obsessive distraction from the things in our lives that really need our attention. When we start to run low on the easy stuff to deal with, those other, more difficult things begin to loom (sometimes menacingly) into view. Instead of thinking of it as a "wall" try to rethink it as a welcome mat that reads: You Are Here. It's a wonderful opportunity for you to stop and take a good look around. Observe and learn some important lessons about yourself, your life, where you are, and where you want to be going.

One small thing I would recommend is this...

The Small Notebook blog has a fresh outlook on simplifying our lives to the essential good stuff. One of the posts that has helped me many, many times when I've hit a snag is this one -- knowing when to stop. Here's the link:
http://smallnotebook.org/2009/11/12/the-lost-rule-of-organizing/

Posted 10 months ago #
Sky
Member

Welcome sleepykitten. The gifts and sentimental things are tough. I inherited a lot from my parents and it has taken me years to finally let go of the bulk of it. I want a clean, uncluttered home which means I can't keep everything so I picked out what meant the most to me and found homes for the rest. I always put things I'm getting rid of in a box for a few weeks until I'm sure I really want to let them go. I always do, but it's like getting over a hump. I don't regret anything that's gone.

It's good to take a breather between decluttering episodes so don't be too hard on yourself. The stuff will be there when you are ready to tackle it.

Posted 10 months ago #
Ann
Member

I'm with Luxcat...step back and stop for a while. Sometimes I think we get caught up in the "process" of decluttering and don't look at what we are doing.

Posted 10 months ago #
Claycat
Member

Great advice from everyone!

Sleepykitten, I would like to add one more thing. Move more carefully now. Ann said it very well about the process. Sometimes the push to accomplish something becomes more important than a means to an end. I hope I'm making sense. It's hard to explain. In art, sometimes the process is more important than the product, and that's okay. However, don't let uncluttering become like that. In uncluttering, the goal is more important. JuliaJayne started a thread called Comfortable Simplicity. To me, that is one of the best phrases I've ever heard. That is my goal. Don't let the process become punishing for you. If you are having panic attacks, you need to step back like the others have said. Then you need to take a good look at your current state and see if you've reached comfortable simplicity. You may already be there. If you think there is more to be done, then go back to the baby steps that so many of us have started with. You don't want it to consume you. Give yourself a big hug for accomplishing so much, and then allow yourself to breathe easier.

Posted 10 months ago #
Emilie
Member

Sleepykitten, I'm at a similar point, and can really relate. I feel suffocated too, at times. I think it has something to do with the fact that our ideas about decluttering outpace the actual process. Like, once I started reading about decluttering, I knew that I wanted to do it. But it could take me years to get to a point where I can honestly say I have no more clutter. I feel like once you start decluttering, your "palate changes" in a way and you start to accept less clutter...but this also happens more quickly than most people can probably remove the clutter. Like everyone is saying, I'm trying to slow down. Trust that if you're not acquiring a lot of new stuff, you'll make progress.

Posted 10 months ago #
bandicoot
Member

hi sleepykitten and welcome.
i think it's a great idea to just take a step back and have a break at this stage.
give yourself permission to do so.
it isn't a race...it's a process.

i got rid of a lot of stuff in my first year. an astonishing amount.
then it slowed down.
i am where you are now....the hard stuff.
i continue to chip away slowly at it and now and then i have a big rush.....last week, i was able to release a lot of books and i have given myself permission to let more go very soon.
it isn't a steady process....it goes in fits and starts....but it is always in the back of my mind.
this is a good thing....it radically slows down acquisition, and now and then i have a real breakthrough with getting rid of something.
i love reading here because i get a lot of insight and ideas for getting rid of yet more stuff and living quite happily without it.

Posted 10 months ago #
mskris
Member

I love all these responses! I agree with Bandicoot - my uncluttering is going in fits and starts. I used to get so discouraged looking around my house, that I'd just give up. This year I made a real change in my thinking - I decided it didn't all have to be done at once! I gave myself permission to skip a week, month, or even longer. Then something will happen and I'll become energized again and get a lot done in a day or a weekend. I realized this is an ongoing process and it may take years to get my "stuff" under control - where I feel comfortable.

You mentioned your dh - I have the same issue, but I also have 3 kids! I'm slowly trying to impress upon them that more does not equal better! My dh is attached to things, especially those he made or bought on his own before we were married. I think that's because I've always made more money than he, so he feels possessive of the items that are solely "his." I've been trying to convince him to let go of old stereo components (he has an ipod he's been using exclusively for years), but it's a no-go. I backed off and he put them in his home office/guest room, where I see them infrequently. Compromise! The kids are a bit harder, but they're coming along, too.

Give yourself permission to stop for a while, back off, relax, and wait for the mood to hit again.

Posted 10 months ago #
sleepykitten
Member

There is so much good advice here! Wow, thank you - everyone's responses were useful and grounding.

rutheverhart, you are right that I need to examine where the anxiety comes from - as in, the stuff might just be stuff, but the feelings around the stuff are huge. I need to soul-search on that some more, but I think there is some pain in being reminded of the opportunities I have chosen not to pursue over the years and some anxiety over wishing I had more time to pursue more varied activities. With gifts/sentimental, there is anxiety about the people I've drifted apart from, etc. I'll keep thinking about this.

Ella, the idea of knowing when to stop and turning to uncluttering when bigger issues are looming is also very relevant to my situation, I think. I'm going to check out the smallnotebook post.

Claycat/JuliaJayne, the "comfortable simplicity" phrase is a good one.

Basically, you've all given me food for thought that I need to ruminate over in the next couple days! THANK YOU.

Posted 10 months ago #
Mimi
Member

i like the figures of "layers and plateaus of uncluttering." there are so many different layers of uncluttering and some plateaus where we can take a rest to recreate and tackle the rest of the stuff later.

i highly recommend to take before-after pictures sothat you can see what you have already done. you don´t have to be afraid if there is so much work already done.

take care and just go on :)

Posted 10 months ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

What helps me with some things is to ask myself, "Do I want to pack this in the next move?" And I'm almost positive there will be a 'next move' despite the fact that we're in this house for another year (signed another 12 month lease recently) based on our moving history since 2003.

Posted 10 months ago #
Ann
Member

Fits and starts sometimes help in the process. Also, with the sentimental stuff, there were things I kept for years (10+) after my brother died because they "were his". Almost half went in my first decluttering effort and now, a year or so later, I can look at what I didn't declutter and reevaluate what means something to me.

My mother died in March of this year and I found boxes of really old things that may have meant something to her, but mean nothing to me - didn't know the people, etc etc. I culled most of that and, eventually, will go thru what I kept and reevaluate.

Hang in there everyone!!

Posted 10 months ago #
irishbell
Member

Ann, I did the same with much of my moms stuff about that same time this year.
I kept very little of her stuff, really only things I knew I would use- some art, glassware,
Serving dishes. maybe one box total. I did, however, feel badly about sending so much stuff that she held dear, to goodwill. it just didn't have meaning for me and I just didn't want it. I knew it was the right decision for me, but I did have a little guilt over it.
10 years ago, I would have kept much more.

Posted 10 months ago #
mskris
Member

I concur with Irish and Ann. My mom passed away in 2008 and I kept her stuff (mainly until my family members could look at it and take what they wanted) for about 2 yrs. Then I got rid of a LOT of it, but did have some guilty feelings, because it did mean something to her, but not to me. Now I'm down to the final items that I *thought* I wanted to keep and am now reassessing.

That said, I have to say that I was really touched to find that she had kept some of my childhood artwork (1 self-portrait I did as a teen I've kept and framed for myself), and a box of cards that people sent her when I was born. I was especially pleased to find a note from her godmother (the woman for whom I was named), who passed before I knew her. That's a keeper, as I heard about her my whole life and now I feel a connection!

Also, I'm the geneaologist of the family, my mother was an only child, and I now have all the family photos of her side of the family (dating back to the 1800s), that I've scanned and sent to my cousins. Cool.

Posted 10 months ago #
Sky
Member

My parents kept every card from when I was born, birthdays, Christmas, Valentines, school work, etc. AND every card they ever received. Every obituary, letters, and on and on. It was fun to read some of it but soooo overwhelming. I just couldn't keep it all. I chose the things that meant the most to me and recycled the rest. They weren't hoarder, just lived in the same house for over 40 years and kept everything sentimental.

Same with photos, boxes and boxes. I tossed the blurry ones, unknown people and places I didn't recognize. I am still organizing them and scanning them to send to family

My parents died in 2001 and 2004 and I just recently reassessed what I kept and let some stuff go. It is impossible to keep inherited things, my things DH's things and live uncluttered. All this crap really becomes a burden!

Posted 10 months ago #

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