Unhelpful family!

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(17 posts) (15 voices)

Started 1 year ago by ErinMarie
Latest reply from bandicoot
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ErinMarie
Member

I'm in a bit of a bind I was hoping I could get some advice from you all.

I'm a 22 year old college student and I'm moving from a house with two roommates to my own apartment on the 30th because I can't stand living with their mess and clutter. The problem is, as much as I'm getting rid of, my family seems determined in replacing and adding to. The main issue will undoubtedly be the kitchen. I will have two counters and not a whole lot of shelves. All I needed to get for myself in kitchen cookware was a nice deep skillet with a lid. My sister took this as an invitation to buy me an entire 10 piece Paula Dean cookware set. While very thoughtful and sweet of her, I hate country and the look of Paula's cookware. I'll never tell her this, obviously, but now I have duplicates and pieces that have literally NO PLACE to be stored.

Every phone conversation with my mother usually includes a warning from her to NOT buy anything myself for the apartment because she and the family MIGHT be getting me things already. I always respond that I sincerely hope that's not the case because I want a direct hand in picking out EVERYTHING. How else am I to stop her from getting me such unitaskers as popcorn makers, panini presses, and avocado slicers?

I swear, if she buys me a microwave, forcing me to use up ONE ENTIRE COUNTER, I. will. explode.

Please help *sob*.

Posted 1 year ago #
Claycat
Member

I am so sorry! It is so hard when family buys you things you don't want! Tell your mother that if she wants to get you something, then give you a gift card so you can get what you want, not what everyone else wants you to have. Tell her you know the women's shelter will appreciate receiving the items you don't want.

I would imagine your sister likes Paula Dean cookware, and she chose what she likes. Maybe she would like to have it for her. Does she have her own? You could tell her you think she gave you something she would actually like. Since you don't have enough room, maybe she would like to use it for you!?

Posted 1 year ago #
susanintexas
Member

I think you actually have two slightly different issues here:
(1) Things you actually need and want (like the skillet) but prefer to select your own as your taste differs from your family's.
(2) Things you neither need, want nor have room for but they insist on buying for you.

It sounds like you have already tried addressing the issue directly in a kind and loving way, but they cannot hear what you are saying.

I think in respect to the things you neither need or want, if they give you, say, a microwave (a) Thank warmly them for the gift (b) remind them that you told them you had a very small kitchen without very much room (c) Insist that they store it for you until you are in a position when you need it and have room for it. Which may be never.

It's a bit trickier when they buy you something that you need and want but it not at all to your taste. It's sometimes hard to express YOUR preferences without having them take it as a criticism of THEIR taste. Perhaps something like:
"The Paula Deene cookware goes so well with your warm and personality which I admire so much. But, as I am growing up, I'm discovering that I have a more urban vibe. It's funny how sisters can be so different and still get along with each other so well, isn't it? XX brand in stainless steel really fits my personality better and that's what I've decided to collect for myself -- would you mind terribly if I exchanged this, or is it something you can use in your own kitchen?"

I think they key is to affirm their taste FOR THEM while continuing to assert your very different taste and needs. Would it be useful to show your family members some photos of uncluttered spaces that appeal to you? They might not have much direct experience in a decorating style different than their own.

Posted 1 year ago #
RebeccaL
Member

I see your family as being very helpful (furnishing an apartment can get pricey)-but they just need some guidance. What about creating an inventory of the things you need? Do you live close enough that you could go shopping with them? What about saying to your sister-"that's so sweet and thoughtful, but I truly don't have the need or space for that set. I'd prefer to exchange it for XYZ, that I really need." If you get a microwave, why not exchange it for a vacuum? It sounds like they have only the best intentions, but they're forgetting that setting up house can be such a personal choice. (I wouldn't like Paula Dean cookware either, but other people love it)

Posted 1 year ago #
djohngo
Member

Your family is doing this because they love and care about you. My advice to you would be to graciously accept the gifts in the spirit in which they have been given, and then give them away. This way, your family is happy, you are happy, and the people you give them to are happy. Win, win, win!

Posted 1 year ago #
jbeany
Member

Can you do exchanges or are you dealing with "sacred trust" gifts that they expect you to keep foooooooooorrrrever? (I hate those.) I'm guessing from your post they expect you to keep it all, regardless of taste or need. I dealt with sacred trust gifts for a long time, and my first attempt at an actual return was, unfortunately, just as upsetting for the gifter as I had thought it was going to be, so I do understand the pressure. I coped by keeping things on display temporarily and then making them vanish without mentioning it to the giver. For big things like the cookware, if you can't ask for gift receipts, at least attempt to find out where the items were purchased from so you can do a store exchange if you can't get cash back. Otherwise, think craigslist/ebay/etc.
Your family may not, but all of us on here give you permission to unclutter it all!

Posted 1 year ago #
ElFish1
Member

Your family sounds wonderful. They love you, they want you to have nice things, and they want to help furnish your new apartment. And here you are, wanting to be independent and choose for yourself. This sounds like the perfect time to set some boundaries. You sister is buying the cookware set because she sees it as the perfect thing for you. If you don't tell her now that it's not, she'll buy more things in the future that you're going to have to deal with. Why not just thank her now, tell her how excited you are about the concept of living an uncluttered life, and let her know you don't want a 10-piece set, that you have your eye on the perfect "nice deep skillet with a lid."

I'd also make sure to talk to them about how you've been reading about unitaskers, and how that's something you want to avoid at all cost. Laugh at how silly some unitaskers are, and how unnecessary. Make your point now, or they're going to decide what's best for you as long as you let them.

I know this from personal experience. It's been over 20 years since I set boundaries with my family (over all SORTS of things) and while it aggravated them to no end, it sure improved the quality of my life and my sense of self esteem.

You really don't have to be ugly or inappropriate when you're setting boundaries, but you do have to communicate with them what you really want and what's important to you as you're setting up housekeeping. They should love you enough to want you to be happy.

Posted 1 year ago #
themusiclivez
Member

My mother-in-law did something very similar when I was creating my wedding registry. She was insisting that I get three coffee pots (one being a 50 cup coffee pot which would have been a HUGE space waster in my small apartment and would never get used). She was trying to force my husband and I to get furniture we didn't need because we would "regret it later". After a while it became all about what she wanted and thought was necessary to run a household.

Your family absolutely loves you and while I believe they THINK they are being helpful they really need to start respecting your wishes. It might be a good idea to explain the reasons behind why you don't want the items. Maybe even tell them that as much as you appreciate the gesture, you are really opposed to owning these things because they don't go along with your lifestyle. And if that doesn't work, return the items that they do give you that you don't want. You should be allowed to live the life you choose and eventually they will come to respect it :o)

Posted 1 year ago #
needtocleanhouse
Member

I hear you on being unheard and wishes disregarded/disrespected. Don't you hate being invisible, unheard, unheeded?

Posted 1 year ago #
Jude2004
Member

Tell your family that you don't have room for the unwanted items, and ask them if they can "store" them for you--that's if direct confrontation isn't in the works.

Posted 1 year ago #
ErinMarie
Member

Such wonderful advice all around. Thank you so much, everyone.

I am indeed incredibly fortunate to have such a generous family. I know they're doing it because they want me to be happy. It's a matter of reiterating what I've said time after time, that I am much happier with less, along with being sensitive to their feelings. It's a fine line, but I know I must walk it so that I'm not burdened with an excess of unnecessary things and not stepping on everyone's toes while I do so.

Worst case scenario? I end up with far too many things and have to pair down till it fits and give what remains to friends and Good Will. Yes, I will run the risk of my mother or sister asking what happened to something, but as a gift it should be my choice what I do with it. They will absolutely know how grateful I am to have them looking out for me.

Thank you again for the fresh perspective on my situation, all :).

Posted 1 year ago #
ninakk
Member

I hope you sort the situation out, good luck. It's good to have generous people around you!

One of my closest friends is sometimes an overly generous person (lends money to a guy who is notorious about never paying back even though she hasn't any for herself to begin with for instance), but regarding "stuff" gifts she's great. We had this discussion after I told her about Unclutterer and how that in combination with the AT home cure has made me see the light somehow, and she said she always lets go of anything she has given, she sets the thing free so to speak, has no rights to it when it has become someone else's possession. She said she doesn't mind if she never sees it again (as in someone didn't like the piece of clothing, cookware, decoration or whatever and got rid of it for the benefit of a third). This was a true eye opener for me.

Posted 1 year ago #
JayEff
Member

Do your family members live nearby? If so, I have a suggestion. When they talk about buying you something for your apartment, suggest going together on a fun outing to a store (of your choosing) so that you may select what you need. In that way, you can pick out what you want and gently educate them as to what you don't want.

When I was younger, my parents offered to help me furnish my apartment. I suggested going to IKEA. We went together, and I picked out what I wanted. (It was not what they would have picked out for me.) It was non-confrontational and fun, and they learned a lot about what I like.

As an aside, kudos for your family for being nice and wanting to help you out.

Posted 1 year ago #
Claycat
Member

JayEff, that's a very good idea! :)

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

An excellent idea from JayEff, because when it comes right down to it, a family helping to set up a home for someone setting off on their own is trying to stay involved with that person. *Actually* involving them can be quite a gift.

Posted 1 year ago #
DanielleandTom
Member

Oh man, this is tough. My MIL was similar when we got married--she insisted we register at a local jewelry/fancy home goods store where returns were difficult and nothing was much to our taste. We ended up returning nearly everything from there, lumping it all onto one gift certificate, and giving it to her for Christmas.

Maybe an Amazon wishlist would be helpful? Sometimes "registering" at a store seems pretentious, like "you must buy me the following things and you must buy them here"...but with an Amazon list you can just send your sister a link over IM or email-- "what do you think of this Therblig? I think I'm going to put it on my Amazon wishlist!" Then she knows it exists and will (hopefully) share it with the rest of your family.

Posted 1 year ago #
bandicoot
Member

jayeff, that is a wonderful solution.
everybody is involved and nobody gets hurt!

Posted 1 year ago #

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