I was wondering what your thoughts are on this topic. I have a few friends who I have been trying to cut ties with for a long time. I gave them second and third chances to redeem themselves and they are still toxic in my opinion. They are just not getting the hint, no matter how hard I try to cut ties. Have any of you ever tried to "unclutter" friends?
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Posted 2 years ago #
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Someone I like and respect has "uncluttered" me, and it hurts. It hurt more because it took me so long to understand that it wasn't that she was busy, it was that she didn't want to see me. At one point I asked her if I had done something to upset her and she backpedaled ... no, nothing, she was just busy.
I suggest that you re-consider your evaluation of these people as "toxic" -- perhaps they're not BAD people, just not people with whom you no longer enjoy interacting. They are real, feeling, hurting humans. Then it's a question of how to let them know that you want to wind things down, but in a compassionate way. I wish I could give some helpful advice there, but I can't.
Posted 2 years ago # -
themusiclivez, I understand the feeling. I have let go of friendships that weren't healthy for me. As Zora said, they are people who have feelings, and you need to take that into consideration, but to me, ending a toxis friendship is like ending a toxic romantic relationship. It must be done as compassionately as possible, but in the end, you have YOU to take care of.
I was lucky in that the friends I had to let go of weren't real friends in the first place, so when I stopped calling and making plans with them, they didn't bother to call me and ask why. Made it very easy, and validated that I did the right thing.
Try being honest and explainig your feelings to them. I know that will be hard, but if they aren't getting the hint, being direct may be the only way to go. If that doesn't work, a firm "please stop calling me" may have to be repeated.
Posted 2 years ago # -
There is no *easy* way to block someone out of your life. If you think the people are toxic *to you* or you simply don't want them in your life anymore, then I'm afraid you will have to do what Zora's friend did to her, and what I've had done to me.
You don't answer the phone when their number comes up. You respond briefly to email messages or not at all. If you run into them, and must talk, be distant, keep the talk impersonal, and move on. Defriend them on Facebook.
Yes, they are people, too, but most people will figure out that they're not wanted after the first few "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't make it that day" or "I have other plans that night" excuses. That IS a gentle let-down. You can't just say, "I don't like you anymore" and leave it at that. That's cruel--unless they really aren't getting the message and you have to be absolutely clear.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Thank you everyone for your advice! Zora, I am so sorry that happened to you - you seem like a really nice person and it sounds like your friend was being a bit mean. In my case, these girls were malicious and talking behind my back, trying to ruin my relationships with other people, and being downright cruel. I've even told them that and they still keep tyring to be friends, but I think they do it to have something to talk about.
Thank you again - this is an issue I have been dealing with for a long time and I appreciate all of your help!
Posted 2 years ago # -
themusiclivez, I've both "uncluttered" former friends and been "uncluttered" by others! It's not easy either way.
An interesting observation: sometimes you feel that you're travelling a different path than a friend or you've ascended to another level in your life and they are not there yet. So you minimize your ties...and guess what? Sometimes a few years later the friendship can be restarted.
I cut out a friend three years ago because as much as I liked her, she always was playing a one-upmanship with me. And no matter what I did or said, she found a way to knock me down. So I stopped taking her calls and found some really great new friends.
Last year, she emailed me and wrote: I don't know what happened nor do I care why you stopped talking with me. I miss our friendship and you can call or email me anytime so we can get back together.
I replied (via email) and then we met...and 6 months later, we are back to being good friends. I thanked her for re-contacting me because I had missed our daily phones and I'm more understanding of where she is in her life...and she seems to be more understanding and positive than she was before.
On the other hand, I've re-contacted former friends and when they don't respond, I realize we're not meant to be in one another's lives now and that's ok, too. Yes, it hurts, and that is part of our growth experience and becoming more compassionate with we interact with others.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I wish I had some good advice to give here, other than just be human and compassionate about it -- and don't lie -- but I don't. Each situation is different.
I've had to cut ties with toxic* friends a couple of times, and it's never easy, although sometimes it's less difficult than other times. Usually, being consistently and unapologetically unavailable will help the relationship along to a natural lull point. Sometimes you just have to come out and say, "I'm not sure what we have in common anymore" or "My priorities have changed, and I just don't want to go out to the bars every weekend anymore" or whatever you need to say.
*Toxic people are people who make you feel bad about yourself, or are constantly complaining or nagging or generally being negative. I had one acquaintance who would just never shut up about how she was getting job offers for "only" $XX, where $XX was more than twice what I was making at the time, and how could they expect anyone to live on that pittance, blah-blah-blah. Oh, and did you see that ugly skirt that girl over there is wearing? Ugh. My life is a happier place without the Negative Nellies, and good riddance to them. Clean out the toxic people and make way for real friends.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I think the idea that you are traveling a different path is a good one. When friends sever ties, it is often for that reason. If someone makes you feel badly when you are around them, that is a different thing. I lost a couple of friends around 12 years ago. I don't blame them or me. We just grew apart. Sad, but it happens. I have another friend that I sort of avoided for awhile, but we have been on better speaking terms lately. I think she realizes we won't be close friends anymore, but we have known each other since childhood, and we don't want to totally lose touch.
Life is so strange, and people are in constant flux, but it's all about growing, isn't it!
Posted 2 years ago # -
You could tell them you are now selling life insurance, want to use them for free child care and have joined a religious group that does a lot of home visits. Watch them flee.....
Seriously, however. I have lost track of so many people after years of moving and working myself to death instead of maintaining ties. If I am lucky, I can exchange holiday cards and get an update then. I remained child-free as most friends were becoming ballet moms so many friends just got sucked into their new lives without me.
In the case of trying to drop a friend, I would refer to the advice about relationships in general. "Good endings make good beginnings". If you are able to be humane and honest at the end of a friendship, the path to new friends will be easier.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Another Deb - that is a good point "Good endings make good beginnings." I would love to end these two relationships civilly because I don't like to burn bridges if I don't have to!
I think, for me, the hardest part is the absolute fakeness that goes on with these two girls. One of them calls me to complain that she doesn't want to be in the other one's wedding, but then five minutes later she is on Facebook leaving her messages about how she "misses" her and "can't wait to hang out". If they are so "close" to each other and treat each other that way then I can only imagine the things they say about me! They even started trash talking me on their Facebooks and rather than start a fight I deleted them. Within a few hours I had emails from one of them saying that if I deleted them because I believed the conversation they were having was about me, then I was wrong. (Odd how they noticed they had been deleted so quickly if they weren't looking for it, right?)
I think I am going to keep trying to fade the friendships out and hope that they get the point. I have already been badmouthed so badly by them that their own families/boyfriends treat me badly whenever they are around. Definitely not a situation I want to keep being a part of!
Posted 2 years ago # -
I find myself giving fewer chances as I get older, not more. Life is too short.
Last night I attended a dinner and event with a group of people, and the one man was so rude to the waitress that it caused a huge scene and the manager got involved.
The rest of the night was ruined for me because it stressed me out so much. I'm done with him.
Posted 2 years ago # -
In high school, I "uncluttered" some toxic friends (lots of wrongful soap opera badmouthing behind mine and other people's backs there, too) by trying to avoid them completely and only doing small talk if it was inevitable. I was hurt and distraught, and I hadn't had much experience in resolving difficulties back then, I just didn't know how else to handle this. If I was in a similar situation now, I think I would try to tell them how much they had hurt me and why, and that I was not interested in calling this a friendship anymore. I deserve that, and they deserve it too.
And so, for a long time, I thought I wasn't good at judging people, but actually I do have a good gut instinct -- I just need to listen to it. And while I still think that in every person, there is some good, and that everyone can have a bad day and deserves a second chance, I learned (like Abeline) that sometimes, quick decisions and no fifth and sixth chances are worth it, because that will save me lots of stress in the long run. Life is indeed to short to willingly include people that make you feel bad. Just keep the few good ones :o)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Abeline, I agree with your choice to avoid future interactions with the guy who made a scene at the restaurant. After a stint in customer service, I have a hypothesis about rudeness. In person, most folks will be fairly polite to others, especially in public. On the phone, the same customer might allow more irritation to surface. E-mail can be a real litmus test of temper. The relative distance and anonymity of e-mail service issues can magnify the traits of a person's character. The dark side comes out, if they have one. If this guy was already jerk out in the company of friends and with a stranger, can you imagine how he is when he REALLY gets going?
Posted 2 years ago # -
themusiclivez, from everything you have said it seems that these girls aren't sincere. I'm sorry if I am being too direct, but in my experience in such relationships people naturally drift apart, even without the active intervention of either party making a decision to break off ties. People are not going to change themselves for anyone one else, most certainly not their friends.
I wish someone had advised me that it was OK to let people go. I have, out of courtesy, kept relations with a lot of people who were outright toxic and inconsiderate of my feelings. If you find yourself occasionally asking if your friends are the source of negative emotions and energy drain, then you have to evaluate if they are even your friends at all.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Here's another thought I had after reading the above comments. I notice that when I am not on the right path, I tend to attract people who are needy, toxic, negative, and stagnant. When I am taking care of myself, being more deliberate about my clients and jobs, and more in touch with myself, the quality of the people around me is better.
I've been blessed in that I've always had a lot of friendships in my life and when one ends, there is always a new person who enters.
I miss many of the friendships that have fallen by the wayside. There's a natural attrition to relationships when one moves, starts a new school, travels, marries, has children, becomes involved in select organizations, is moving up the career ladder, and also, when friends die.
*Another Deb, I do not have children and when my best friend did, we agreed that we would stay in touch and when her daughter began college, we'd be able to pick up our friendship again. And that's what happened! I know when my friends have children (and now grandchildren) that our relationship often takes a backseat to their family.
Posted 2 years ago # -
sherrybanarsi - thank you for your words - it is true, they are not sincere and we have been drifting apart. (I seriously NEVER call them or try to get in touch). I really just want the friendships to fade. But these are girls who go out of their way to get in touch with past failed relationships just so they have something to gossip about (one girl we went to college with actually told them off and they went out of their way to "friend request" her on Facebook so they could see what she was up to and gossip about her). It's sad, and I don't need people like this in my life! I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who has been in this situation but feel terrible for all of you who had to go through it! We don't need these kinds of people in our lives!
Posted 2 years ago #
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