Suggestions please: how to stop SO from wasting money

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Suggestions please: how to stop SO from wasting money

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Started 1 year ago by jlevine
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jlevine
Member

How can I talk to my SO about wasting money we don't have, when they refuse to even think about a budget?

My SO is good about making sure the bills are paid first, and we do go get groceries; but after all that, if I'm not around when they go shopping, they begin to buy unneeded items (toys for their niece, clothing to add to the their already overflowing closet, cleaning supplies we don't need, etc) - leaving us very little money for food and gas for the rest of the month (for example as of February 4th we only have $14.00 to live off for the rest of the month).

I've tried talking with them about a budget, I've tried talking to them about the pointless purchases, I've even tried talking to them about why they want to buy the items - each time I get a hugely over emotional response and they refuse to talk to me for the rest of the day.

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

Hi jlevine, my sympathies for your frustration. Check out some of the content on GetRichSlowly - this is a very common topic on personal-finance sites and GRS is my favorite.

There has also been a good series running on Slate directed to how couples manage their money.

Ultimately all advice boils down to just one thing: you must talk it through and arrive at a compromise. If one partner refuses to talk - even with a neutral counselor (a pastor, a friend - doesn't have to be a professional, just someone to keep the lid on, we all behave better in front of an audience) on hand - the other partner may have no options but to A)completely separate finances; or B) move out.

There are all kinds of reasons why a SO might refuse to be rational about money. Until you figure out why, you can't begin to fix it. But both parties have to be willing to address it, and to maintain the resulting compromise.

Money is one of the top three cited causes of divorce, and I'd guess that it's the same in non-marriage relationships. It's a shame, but you have to protect yourself. Some people want to learn, some people don't want to learn but do want to save their relationship, and some people just don't learn, ever.

Posted 1 year ago #
ninakk
Member

chacha1 is wise. My husband and I have a very complicated financial situation so what works for us right now is to have our own account(s) as well as one shared one from which we pay our shared expenses. Again, it requires commitment to a strategy that both parties have agreed on. Talk talk talk is what I'd recommend for you guys, too.

Do you think there's a chance your significant other is (bordering on?) a shopaholic? If so, then it requires more than unprofessional help I'm afraid. As long as we haven't admitted to having a problem, it doesn't really exist, no matter how huge the credit card bills might grow and how little money there is left for the necessities just like in your case now. The emotional response to rational talk seems to me like there's something bigger cooking, not just the occasional careless act here and there, but unfortunately I don't know where to turn for help. Maybe there's someone here in the forum with know-how on this type of consumption pattern? Good luck and please keep us posted, support is here if you need it.

Posted 1 year ago #
pkilmain
Member

Ninakk - we started out with our own accounts, and we still operate that way 39 years later!! :) We have a shared credit card with which we pay most of our household bills and purchase anything personal we want. At the end of each billing cycle we go through it and we each pay our own and we split the household stuff. (The bill actually gets paid online from my account, but DH gives me a check for his share) We keep a running list of who paid what with cash, and we balance it out at the same time we do the credit card. We seldom argue over money, and we have a policy of "checking in" when we want to purchase something expensive (over $1000 USD). Works well for us.

Posted 1 year ago #
needtocleanhouse
Member

$14 for the rest of the month? 80 Are you serious? Is this a serious post? That sounds pretty bad. Are all other expenses taken care of for the rest of the month? Can you live on $14 for the rest of the month? I don't know what your situation is, but on it's face, $14 for the rest of the month from Feb 4th sounds horrible and untenable!

You can't change them; you can only change yourself.

Here are some links I found when I googled "my spouse spends too much"

Oprah's shopping test = http://www.oprah.com/money/Oprahs-Debt-Diet-Step-8

http://www.helium.com/items/727961-how-to-cope-with-a-spouse-who-spends-money-like-water

http://www.debt-anon.org/

http://debtanon.org/

Posted 1 year ago #
AJ
Member

I don't know where you live but if it's either Canada or the U.S. you might have caught Gail Vax-Oxlade's tv programme "Til Debt Do Us Part".

One concept she always uses is the "magic" jars. You make a budget and put the money for each category in the jar. Categories will be food, transport, entertainment, gifts, etc. And can be done by the month or week, whichever suits. People find it very useful to have that visual cue. 'Cos when the jar(s) is empty, you're out of money.

Gail works with people in debt for the tv programmes. But the advice she gives can be useful to anyone who has to watch the pennies. Also the advice is straightforward - Gail is a no-nonsense gal.

Here's the link to the magic jars article on her website.
http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/articles/budgeting/magic_jars.html

There are a ton of useful articles there too. "Money mistakes couples make" is a must-read for you: http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/articles/love_money/money_mistakes.html

Plus she walks you through making a budget and has a printed pdf for you to work on: http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/resources/guide_to_building_budget.html

Hope this helps.

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

AJ: Using jars is something I could really use, too. Very visual, more so than paper envelopes (which I was going to suggest...until I read your post). Thanks for the info! Seriously, I really am going to give the jars idea a try myself.

jlevine: I can offer encouragement but I am short on advice. Hope you find something that works well for your situation.

Posted 1 year ago #
bandicoot
Member

i used envelopes....because i couldn't afford jars, lol.
but the method, regardless of container, was a very helpful one for me.
i needed to physically move the money around to really get a handle on it.

jlevine, i think you have a problem on your hands...i believe the overly-emotional responses to your efforts to discuss the situation are a real red flag.
this can all be worked through, but it's going to take someone who wants to make a change in their behaviour, first of all.
i feel for you and i hope you guys can sort it out.

Posted 1 year ago #
Parsifal
Member

I'm lucky my SO doesn't waste money, but I've had a lot of luck lately tightening up our budget by putting us both on prepaid debit cards for entertainment. We agreed on a set limit for totally fun, personal spending and after the cards are recharged on the 1st, that's all we get! It's amazing how soon you will get used to making the cash you once spent on a single impulse buy last all month. However, if your SO is spending money on an addiction, getting him or her to agree to this is no easy matter and an entire problem in unto itself.

Is it possible that your SO is using these unnecessary shopping trips to mask something else? It sounds like it if talking about setting a budget always leads to an argument.

Posted 1 year ago #
trillie
Member

I agree that buying unneeded items of this kind every month plus the emotional reaction means that this goes much deeper than simply "I like shopping". Until that will have been adressed somehow, you will have to live with it. Unfortunately (or luckily?), there is no recipe on how to make other people change... If he or she keeps refusing to talk about this topic, the only thing you can change is your approach and protect yourself.

You say that you do get groceries for the month and all the bills get paid - that sounds like your SO respects regular stuff and neccessary purchases like food. Is there any way to add something else to the list of "important things that definitely get paid"? Then, you could open a new account called vacation fund or emergency fund, and transfer a fixed amount of money there every month - and you need to define exactly when it is allowed to take money out of this account again for both of you (paying for a vacation together, replacing broken laundry machine).

A stricter way would be to not share accounts any more and have a system like ninakk and Pkilmain - a private account for each of you, and a shared one for the shared expenses. This way, you would protect your money, rent and groceries would be paid for, and your SO would be free to spend the rest of their money just as they wish.

Let us know how it goes, good luck!

Posted 1 year ago #
ArcticFlamingo
Member

What strikes me about the situation you describe is that your SO seems to believe that, after the monthly bills are paid, 100% of the remaining money is THEIRS to do whatever they want with. Whether your SO is buying things you agree with or not, it seems to me that after the monthly bills are paid, 50% of the remaining money should be YOURS. If you end up using your half of the remainder to get both of you through the rest of the month, the following month after the bills are paid, your SO should be paying you back out of their cut of the remainder for half the groceries, gas, etc., that were bought out of your half. Good luck - sounds like you are in a pretty tough situation.

Posted 1 year ago #
susanintexas
Member

It might help if you turn the focus from what the SO is doing wrong to how it is affecting you. For example:
"When all of our money is spent in the first week of the month I feel anxious/worried/depressed/terrified. It would relieve my anxiety if we could work out a way to spread the money out so that I do not worry so much. Do you have any ideas of how we could do that?"

You might want to have some specific ideas yourself -- like the jar/envelope idea. The response might be (in essence) that "I don't care that you are anxious/worried/depressed." That tells you something right there.

Posted 1 year ago #
tmichelle
Member

The fact that there is a highly emotional response to a needed discussion puts up red flags to me. Is this the only area in life where this happens? I would guess not. I am not an overly emotional person (I purposefully married a man similar to Mr. Spock) so that would be highly irritating to me and might be a deal breaker.

Posted 1 year ago #
needtocleanhouse
Member

It would be a deal nuclear bomb ballistic in a NY second breaker for me.

Posted 1 year ago #
pkilmain
Member

My mom used envelopes, and taught us to do the same. My sister still operates only on cash (with a credit card for emergencies and things like reserving rental cars, but she never carries it).

I really think that jlevine's SO has some deeper issues, and like ntch says, it would be a deal breaker for me. I've gone without, and lived on a very tight budget earlier in my life in order to avoid living from paycheck to paycheck. Having no reserves scares me.

Posted 1 year ago #
JayEff
Member

jlevine, I don't understand your post.

Who exactly is spending the money that you and your SO have? (You say, "they refuse to even think about a budget"; "they begin to buy unneeded items"; "I've tried talking with them about a budget"; etc.).

Posted 1 year ago #
djk
Member

JayEff, I think jlevine is using the plural to avoid using a gender pronoun and thereby giving more info than he/she wishes to.

Posted 1 year ago #
JayEff
Member

djk, your explanation makes sense to me; thanks for the clarification. (I thought that the situation may have involved SO and others, such as SO's parents or siblings. I have witnessed that!!)

jlevine, best of luck to you.

Posted 1 year ago #
Anita
Member

jlevine, you have my sympathies as well. I second chacha1's suggestions; sometimes a good talk will help.

If it does not help, I'd suggest limiting the amount of shared financial resources. My partner and I each have our own chequing and savings accounts, investments, and credit cards. We share one credit card, which is used to pay rent and utility bills (hydro and high-speed internet only, not our individual cell phone bills), and to buy groceries. Anything else that we want to put on the shared card needs to be (1) something we both benefit from, and (2) agreed on beforehand. This tends to include vet bills for the cats, occasional appliance/furniture purchases, meals at restaurants etc. Every pay day (we get paid the same day) we review the account balance online and pay it off in full, 50% each. On top of that, we chose a card that gives us travel points, and we plan to use them for vacations together. Since our biggest monthly expenses go on the card, the points add up quite fast ;)

Posted 1 year ago #
Rosa
Member

JLevine, you may not be able to stop them, especially if it's their money.

Do you guys have shared savings goals? It sounds like your SO is already good at prioritizing the really important stuff, and don't undervalue that - I've known plenty of people who ended up with no food or couldn't make rent, because of unchecked random spending.

If I were you I'd take out my own spending money at the beginning of the month, so after my partner's random spending I wasn't the one out of money.

But also, DON'T GET MARRIED unless you figure this out. And check that the bills are actually getting paid. If it is a compulsive activity, and not just an habit you disapprove of, there will be hidden stuff - google "financial infidelity" for about a million awful stories.

Posted 1 year ago #

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