Hi, my dh and I are like some weird kind of negative gender stereotype. He loves buying clothes, shoes,coats, you name it (actually, he just loves shopping full stop!). Whereas I hate shopping, buy only a few new clothes and shoes every year, wear them till they fall apart or are covered in paint/pens/glitter/whatever and am good at chucking clothes out when not worn or loved. Plus sometimes I adopt my dh's old clothes he no longer wears! I am a SAHM who likes to dress casually/slobbily, no need for lots of clothes.
Our problem is that we live in a rather small 3 bedroom semi with limited storage, and our kids are growing up. My dh and I have a built-in wardrobe and 5 drawer chest in our bedroom. I have the small area of tall hanging space for my long dresses, and about a quarter of the much larger short hanging space for my shirts, a jacket, scarves and my nice jumpers which I don't want to crumple. The remaining 3/4 of the short hanging space have dh's work shirts, casual shirts, trouser collection (he has millions of trousers, the wardrobe is bulging with them... and a collection of suits, most of which he doesn't actually wear. The 5 drawers are all equal sizes and not very deep. The top 2 drawers belong to dh: socks and pants in one, workout clothes in the next one. The bottom 3 drawers are mine: underwear top one, then T-shirts and shorts and then workout clothes down the bottom. My older jumpers are in an old lidded laundry basket thing but probably half of them I'm going to throw out when winter comes and I realise I don't wear them, it belongs at the end of my bed but is the wrong size for the space (too tall, not wide enough).
The main problem is my dh's T-shirts: he takes up 2 big drawers with them in a chest which is in my son's new bedroom (was the spare room/study/junk room till recently). I just got him to sort through them all and ended up with 20 T-shirts to chuck out (20!) so now they fit into those 2 drawers just about. Then underneath is a really deep drawer with my dh's jumpers in, they're all crumpled up as they're jammed in. He has a tendency to buy lots of new jumpers and then hang them in various places round the house till they become part of the furniture, so there are probably plenty not even in that drawer. There is also a wardrobe in my son's room which was full of dh's clothes, mainly casual suits and casual shirts. However, I culled a lot of those, put some in his other wardrobe and then filled half with my son's toys as the room is very small. However, it just occurred to me that there is now literally nowhere for my son to store his clothes in his own room! The chest is taken up with his dad's stuff, as is half the wardrobe, and it's a really tiny room! Right now the clothes are in his brother's bedroom, they have 3 small drawers each for all their clothes, and no hanging space.
How should I arrange my dh's clothes? I actually think it's unfair that my son has half his dad's clothes in his bedroom, but his clothes won't physically fit into my bedroom. Our understairs cupboards are already full of bed linen, towels, camping gear etc, most of which has been culled, so limited extra storage opportunities. Our hallways and landing are very skinny too, not much chance of using that space either. We have no garage and only a tiny, unboarded loft space. I accept that my dh loves buying clothes, and they take up space as he's the biggest in the family, plus he has to wear suits to work so needs twice the wardrobe space. However, his share seems OTT! Any suggestions? My dh has a huge shoe collection too (50 pairs maybe?) so I've bought some stackable shoe storage boxes to go under my part of the wardrobe where the skirts don't go all the way down, plus on the shelf above where there is about 50cm square spare space but it's very high. Our entranceway is really narrow, no storage there at all, then we have a big suede-covered box in the dining room with about 20 pairs of everyday shoes, but very limited other storage options there, and our furniture in there is very formal and nice so Ikea stuff would look awful, especially as it's a walkway to the kitchen. My dh won't use any form of storage for shoes other than the floor, he chucks all the shoes out of the big box and throws a tantrum when he can't find a pair!
Help! Any suggestions? I was wondering if overdoor storage could help? We have all the doors in the house propped open as they're all on self-closers so there should be space there. Any suggestions for something sturdy and strong? We tried a metal overdoor shoe thingy on the kitchen understairs cupboard door about 10 years back and it fell apart instantly! And I can't spend too much...
thanks! sorry for the long post!
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Posted 1 year ago #
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Strictly from a problem-solving point of view:
If you have a free wall in your bedroom, run a pipe/closet rod the length of it, and hang curtains in front of it. Accept the loss of space as a consequence of just owning that much stuff.
If you don't have that much room, consider buying at least another wardrobe.
Otherwise, it sounds like you have a lot of other things going on with your DH that you might want to talk out, as far as shared space and storage.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Ok, my husband is a trial attorney, which means he too wears a suit to work every day. Thus, he has 6 suits, a whole bunch of dress shirts (20 maybe?), a whole bunch of ties (again, probably 20) a coat, and 4 pairs of dress shoes, all of which are work appropriate. Then he has casual wear--jeans, tee shirts, polos--underwear, sneakers, two casual jackets, and casual shoes. He also has a tux and tux shoes stuffed at the back of his closet. That is an "eyeroll" for me but I have 2 formal gowns that get worn even less often so I can hardly complain.
Now, my husband hates to shop which is why his wardrobe is pretty minimal. I also work a professional job and I love to shop and have many more options than that, but here's the thing: I respect the shared space of our home. When his stuff is spilling over into shared areas and impacting the lives of the rest of the family in a negative way, he is showing disrespect for the rest of you. Additionally, when he is leaving his stuff out all over the floor and losing things, he is showing disrespect for his stuff as well.
When we were house shopping, my husband jokingly told our agent that he wanted a small-ish house because I would buy less stuff as there was nowhere to put it. He was kidding but I took that comment to heart. There is no point in having 100 beautiful pairs of shoes if there's nowhere to put them so they get stuffed under the bed and forgotten. There's no point in having 10 gorgeous coats if they get crammed into a closet so that when you pull them out, they're wrinkled and look terrible. That's just a waste. I have no problem with shopping (in fact, I love it); but I can't let an activity that I love hurt my family. So I shop sparingly, buy things I know I will use and love, and get rid of my "mistakes" to make room for things I do love.
Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It is troubling to me that he "throws a tantrum" when he can't find a pair of shoes due to his own inability to organize and care for them--maybe because I don't understand exactly what you mean by a tantrum. Again, that is an instance of how this issue bleeds over to affect the rest of your family, and maybe a good way of talking about the issue is to point out the way his stuff is affecting the rest of you.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Thanks for the replies. We don't have room for a rail, we also have no room for another wardrobe, our rooms are pretty small and already seem to have too much furniture in them. Also, one thing about British weather is that you always seem to need clothes out for all seasons, we may be safe putting the shorts away but it's still only August! Also, out of season clothes always seem to end up here in random cupboards and forgotten about (usually triggering another buying spree by dh).
Re the psychological side of it, I am a SAHM and my dh works long hours so expects me to do everything house-related, including looking after his clothes but not throwing them out. I was astonished that he let me chuck out 20 T-shirts! Maybe I just need to keep chipping away at it: bring him his 50 pairs of shoes and say 'which ones do you need?' I'm also conscious that I'm a pretty untidy person too (we're both untidy in different ways) so don't want to do it in a really confrontational way. But you're right, it's having an effect on everyone else in the house too, and that's pretty annoying. My dh is tidy in certain ways, his car is great most of the time, and he pretty much has 'his' space up in the loft room which he keeps reasonably tidy (but full of stuff, lots of piles) and I know the state of the house annoys him. However, he point blank refuses to sort through his stuff, he hates me throwing out his books (he buys at least one a week, if not 3) or his magazines (ditto) and I feel that, given he refuses to move to a bigger house on cost grounds, we're at bursting point right now. And my kids are getting bigger and need more space. Paperwork is also a real issue, he has his system and I have mine, and neither of us meet in the middle. It doesn't help that when he's not working really long hours he's either shopping or wants to go away, he certainly doesn't want to discuss anything house-related, like how to store the stuff he buys!
I think you're right, time for a frank conversation. It does boil down to fundamentally different attitudes to life though, and that's never easy. Like part of the reason he doesn't want to move is so he has money to spend, he wants to buy a fancy new car and all I see is me having to sort out the loan, the insurance, cleaning and selling the old car. Same with the clothes, he gets the fun and I get the hassle! It's funny though, we never argue about money but maybe that's because he spends most of it on what he wants, whenever I do go and buy some new clothes he gets all anxious and tells me about how big our bills are that month and how I have to stop spending money. There's a lot of issues about control there. Hmm, food for thought. Thanks again for your thoughts.Posted 1 year ago # -
Hi Lottielot - I know what you mean about the british weather - I always wonder at the programmes that show puttting winter clothes away in the summer and vice versa. What have we had this summer - from July - blistering heat, then rain, cold but sunny, few days of sun, hen rain. Up here in Yorkshire you can get different weather every hour.
o help, I wear similar clothes in and out of work time - nicish tops and trousers/skirts and a few posh dresses and jeans that take the look either way.My husband has loads of t-shirts too (it was two drawers full too)- but he does wear them a lot, and I probably have the same in tops if I'm honest.
Good luck with your situation
Posted 1 year ago # -
it is plainly obvious that lack of storage is not the fundamental problem.
too much stuff is the problem!NOBODY "needs" fifty pairs of shoes.
i'll go right ahead and assume that all of his clothing is on the same scale.
i think the first thing you guys need to do is have a long talk.
and slap down an immediate moratorium on ALL shopping.
at least stop the stuff coming in to the house for an agreed time, while you assess what is already there.
and then you will have to get an action plan together of what to do with the stuff.
if it is causing stress, then it simply cannot stay.
a good place to start with clothes is: if it hasn't been worn in 12 months, then it has to leave the house.i believe that all any of us needs on hand is a week's worth of clothes.
a work week. a holiday week. a really cold week. a really hot week.
lots of this can overlap of course.Posted 1 year ago # -
lol, I reckon I'll get you to come and sort him out bandicoot! I think though that a bit of a chat and a softly-softly approach will work best. My mum does the full-on confrontational decluttering thing, and I don't like it, my dh won't either. I did get him to agree to throw out a tape player the other day, he said it had sentimental value and I pointed out it was a)broken b)had been broken for 5 years and c) I'd chucked all his tapes out as they were all knackered. Several hours later he rang and said I should take it to the tip! My dh simply works on a different scale to me though, he gets carried away packing, shopping, estimating generally. I wonder if his sense of perspective is skewiff? He was talking a year ago or so about buying a kayak, I told him that if a kayak came into my house I would be divorcing him. Luckily no kayak! I think he has a mental image of our modest semi as some sort of expansive mansion :)
Posted 1 year ago # -
i had to put MY foot down about a kayak too!
i know that a kayak is simply an excuse to buy all sorts of kayak-related GEAR!
i asked my husband to HIRE a kayak and go paddling and if he did it ten times in a 12 month period, then he could BUY a kayak.
that was four years ago.
he still hasn't been kayaking.
he still buys kayaking magazines, though that has slowed down considerably.
a magazine, i can deal with.
sheesh, men.i don't scream and yell with the decluttering.
i do persist though. some might call it nagging.
i like to quietly and inexorably point out incontrovertible facts, like "you only have two feet, why do you need 100 shoes?"
and
"you can only wear one pair of trousers at a time"
and
"this is YOUR half of the wardrobe and this is MY half of the wardrobe"as far as stuff like broken down tape players goes.....man, i would just throw that junk out with no reference to anyone.
would he even NOTICE it if you didn't mention it?
take control. (i love encouraging people to be subversive).Posted 1 year ago # -
wow, i don't think you staying at home and him working long hours is an excuse for him to be a slob, even children can put their things away in the proper place, a grown man should be able to do the same. I sometimes do my BF laundry for him, but I do not put it away and I don't pick up after him at all, if he leaves his stuff on the floor or can't find something, its not my fault and I don't feel sorry for him, i just tell him he should organize his stuff better. The only reason I do his laundry sometimes is b/c he works full time and I work part time and I don't pay rent. I don't do it in the winter though b/c I hate hauling it to the laundry mat.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Hi Lottielot – I don’t really have much to add to what others have said about the op – it does seem like there is just too much stuff so you and your dh need to decide together what to do about it.
But I do have a slight tangent:
A lot of my fondest memories from when I was little involve my whole family doing things together. Things like walks in the countryside, picnics, visits to castles and museums, feeding ducks, etc and most of these things were free or cost very little. I admit that I was lucky to grow up in a place where these things were available. Do you think your dh would agree to doing similar family outings on a regular basis (maybe around once every three weeks or so?). It would reduce the amount of time he had to go shopping, so hopefully he would buy less and you would all have had a fun day out together.
This is just food for thought, as I think Bandicoot especially has spoken a lot of sense which is also a lot more helpful, but this might be a good not clutter shopping substitute to bring into your lives.
Zebra
Posted 1 year ago # -
On another tangent I thought of when reading ZEBRA'S post. You have a fashionable husband, does he like doing a fashion show? You could incorporate it into the clean out. Get him to choose 7 work outfits with 2 interchangable shirts and ties each. Then for his after hours clothes, get him to choose his favourite 20 outfits and get the family to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Then keep the top 10. Get him to donate the rest... AND maybe you could remind him that he has some more space to fill after he chucks some stuff out - but that he is never allowed to move into anyone elses space ever again after the big clean up.
I guess you want to make this as positive an experience as possible because people who hoard never want to let go and in the end it has to be a decision he makes, without getting ultimatums etc. Its a hard place you have go yourselves in. Maybe making a new memory around his favourites, by having the whole family to cheer him on, will help him to let go of the rest?Posted 1 year ago # -
Thanks for the replies, just what I needed! That is too funny about the kayak :) Funnily enough I heard recently about a canoe club nearby and told dh he could have a kayak if he stored it there, and he'd lost interest! I asked him if we could sort out his clothes tonight (having told him the kids had sorted out a load of toys to get rid of and I'd done my clothes) and he was ok with that, so hopefully he'll cooperate. I cleared out 2 of my drawers, culled half my tshirts and gym clothes and put the rest on a door organiser. So that frees up 2 drawers for my son in his room, result:) tonight I'm aiming to sort his shoes, jumpers, trousers and suits. Wish me luck! I still need to have a chat about a regular one in one out policy, but this feels like progress. Thanks for the ideas!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Still being subversive, as far as the shoes are concerned, surely out of the 50 pairs there have to be a few that he NEVER wears, most likely because they are actually uncomfortable. I'm sure we have all bought the occasional pair of shoes which were fine in the shop, but trying to wear them for more than an hour is hell.
Can you find a pair or two of those, (maybe the ones with most dust on!) and when he is wearing a suitable outfit say, innocently, "Why don't you wear this pair today? They are so smart and would go so well with what you're wearing." If you can get him to admit he doesn't wear them because they actually make his feet hurt, it could be a starting point to at least donating the shoes in that category.
With DH who is colour blind and not the slightest bit interested in what he wears (and there are interesting combinations if he's not supervised) I can weed out shirts and trousers without him noticing. When the wardrobe rail is full, I remove the scruffiest/oldest/least fashionable. So long as there are several white shirts he hasn't a clue whether it's 6, 8 or 10. Same with trousers, so long as there are some dark ones there (He has a generic 'dark' colour covering browns, greys, navy and dark green and red) he has no idea quite how many.
If I am unsure if I can get away with something, I 'lose' it for a while to see if he looks for it. If he does, I can easily find it again.
Now I appreciate your DH is far more clothes aware, but would he notice if you occasionally remove a shirt or two, or an odd pair of trousers. This may be a drop in the ocean, but every drop helps. Could you assist a little wear and tear which would mean he would reject things for himself.
But as everyone else has said, it needs to be a discussion point. Perhaps you could start him thinking by saying that "Well, if I only had four pairs of pants, two bras, a couple of T shirt and jumpers, two pairs of trousers and two of shoes, I could manage with one drawer and minimal hanging space. Would that help you, dearest?" And then as the children obviously have way too much in the way of clothes and toys, if he could help you sort out what they don't need, he could have more space in their rooms too. But only try this if you are sure he will take it as the thought provoking joke it is intended as!
If not, then you will just quietly and firmly need to start retaking the ground for your children at least, as they need to learn how to look after and put away their own possessions, and he must learn to understand that. Otherwise, when they are older and their wants become expensive accessories, they won't know how to value them.
But it's much easier to sit here thinking this is what you need to do or say, than it is when you are the one in the situation. So think very carefully what you want/need to achieve, then stick to your guns in a calm manner. What I personally think you should discount is more storage, don't even consider that route. Less stuff is the way to go.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Good luck with your talk with DH!
One more purely-practical-problem-solving suggestion (sorry, I'm an engineer): You said he has a loft area that's already mostly his stuff. Would it be possible to turn that into his dressing room? Put in a nice set of mirrors, good lighting, and a really nicely-done closet system?
Then you could corral all "his" stuff into one place and shut the door. When and if he decides to deal with his stuff, it's on his schedule.
Meanwhile, he has something of a luxury - a big walk-in closet/den where he knows he can find everything and have a relaxed morning in...
Posted 1 year ago # -
The loft is awkward because it has 2 doors, 2 opening windows, 2 patio doors and a sloping roof one end. I've racked my brain for storage up there but it's really difficult for clothes. Having said that, his book habit is worse than his shoe habit so I will get a carpenter to build in some bookshelves when I get some work done on the house next. I know my dh has a lot of issues about shopping, hence getting cross or throwing stuff out is counterproductive. I do throw the odd thing out without him noticing though :) anyway, will see how he does tonight, I'll give him a chance to have a glass of wine first!
Posted 1 year ago # -
We did the jumpers, he wasn't that receptive to talking or anything else to sort but at less he chucked a quarter or so out :) Then I threw out a stack of mine too (it's jumper weather even in August, errgh!) so we have 3 bags for a charity run. Managed to sneak some more tshirts out (4 were identical, that is just ridiculous!) and a pair of size 34 trousers, he'll never be that skinny again! Plus some M and S shirts I know haven't been worn for at least a year and he's not attached to. Maybe if I tackle one thing a week! Though it's probably an iterative process with him, once he's done a bit he realises it's not the end of the world and will do a bit more if encouraged. Shoes, coats and trousers next :) Plus then a one in one out or divorce rule... Or tell him he'll have to start renting a storage unit, that might work!
Posted 1 year ago # -
lottie...mostly joking here, but I remember when I was 18 and my boyfriend had these cut-off jeans I didn't like, and I commented on them to a friend. She told me very casually, "that's why it's good to move in together and do the laundry. Then if he has an ugly yellow shirt you can just throw it out. Every once in awhile he'll say, "I wonder what happened to that yellow shirt", and you just look bewildered and say "hmm, yeah I haven't seen it." They are still happily married after 20 years :)
There are lots of things that can happen to clothes. They can get lost at the dry cleaners, or at the laundromat if you do your laundry there. They can get eaten in the dryer. They can get holes from moths, then they pretty much have to be tossed. Doesn't work on a large scale, I'll admit.
Posted 1 year ago # -
lol, it is a bit childish, but then so is buying novelty Tshirts when you're nearly 40 :) My washing machine does seem to be eating things lately, sadly it's my favourite bed linen rather than dh's clothes, but who knows? Also, there's a rather thorny rose right near the washing line...
Posted 1 year ago # -
Have a talk with your husband and convince him to:
1) not buy any more clothes, shoes or accessories.
2) sort all his stuff into two piles, one to keep and one to give away.then
3) repeat every six/twelve months or until you (both!) are happy with the amount of clothes he owns (and where they are stored).
I know it sounds harsh, but it seems like he simply has too much stuff. Take the shoes, for example. Assuming he is able to cut the collection down to 25, that still gives him the option of having 15 "everyday" shoes (i.e. he could go to work for three weeks and wear different shoes every day) in addition to 10 pairs of weekend/relaxation/specialty/sports shoes.
Another approach could be to attach a paper tag or something onto all his shoes and clothes. Whenever he uses something, he will remove the tag. After six/twelve months, you can go through all the stuff and see what still has the tag attached. Unless it's a specialty or seasonal thing, donate it to someone who will use it instead.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Also, you (or he) might want to check out http://www.styleforum.net/ for some tips on how to organize (men's) wardrobes and dealing with clothes in general. There's a lot of people on that forum with the same hobby/interest (obsession?) as your husband seems to have. Be warned though, there is a risk it might backfire and encourage him to buy even more stuff...
Posted 1 year ago #
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