I married a clutter-holic. It's a disease that's rolling downhill out of control and despite my efforts, I cant stop it. My spouse comes from a long-line of pack-rats and er living style is mind-styfling to say the least. The connecting problem is that our two girls are picking up her habits at the young age of six and seven. I'm now faced with a lifetime family condition. My spouse understands but it is very slow to act. She just doesn't half the stuff around us and the other half she can't let go of. One of the hardest parts is that she refuses to let handle or get rid of her stuff which essentially leaves me helples. I'm only scratching the surface of this whole issue. Any suggestions?
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Posted 1 year ago #
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Your girl are young and impressionable. Tell your wife that you will not allow your daughters to live in chaos. Then start teaching your girls about passing on unwanted toys to those less fortunate, and teach them about keeping their rooms picked up. Each night before they go to bed they should spend 15 minutes max picking up toys and clothes if necessary. Get a timer and make a game of it. If you are finished having children, get rid of all clothes that don't fit, or if they are being passed on to a family member or friend, do this as soon as you have time.
You need to set up boundaries for yourself. In your bedroom - designate half the space and forbid your wife to put anything into your space and take away anything that lands in your area. You must keep your half perfectly clear and clean.
The bathroom -- She must keep space clear for others. Nothing on the floor because that creates a tripping hazard. The threat of heads banging against the hard surfaces in a bathroom should be enough incentive to keep it picked up. If not, if she can't make her family's safety more important than her stuff, then I think she will need more help than anyone can give you on a forum.
I don't understand hoarding, so I don't get why they feel it is acceptable to take space from other people, but I would force the issue that you and the girls are entitled to space in the house. If your wife gets worse at any point, then you will know for sure that she needs professional help.
So, start with 3 things (this will probably take a lot of effort on your part).
1. Keep your side of the bedroom clean. Tell her that if anything of hers ends up in your space, you will promptly get rid it.
2. Start working with your girls. Your girls really don't want to live in squallor. You must help them. Forbid your wife to fill the girls rooms with stuff. Again, anything that she puts into their room that isn't theirs, you will remove it from the house.
3. The bathroom floor must be kept clear, and at least half the vanity surface so you and your daughters have a clear space. If I were you, and I know a lot of guys hate cleaning the bathroom, and I understand that this is drastic -- keep it pristine. Wipe down the sink, counter top and mirror every day. And the toilet every other day. This really doesn't take as much time as you think. Just get a safe cleaner if you don't have any, and a roll of paper towel or a rag. If your wife doesn't do it, wipe down the shower or tub once a week as well as the floor. If you keep on top of it every day it takes only a minute or two to keep it clean.Posted 1 year ago # -
Your not kidding about the "this will take a lot of effort on my part". I'm almost out of effort. It takes every ounce of mental energy to cope after eight years of marriage. I'll be more proactive. I definitely appreciate your thoughts and concerns. Thank you.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I can tell you how not to go about this.
My Mom is pretty messy and pretty cluttery. She's working on it and things haven't ever been unsanitary. They both work outside the house. My Dad expects the house to be very neat, as his mother kept the house. But he doesn't want to declutter his items, as the entire rest of the family is. He also doesn't pick up after himself. If he finishes reading a magazine while sitting on the couch, the magazine goes on the floor next to the couch. Periodically, he will take everything from the computer desk, which does get pretty crowded, and put it in a pile at Mom's place at the dinner table. Usually it's about 80% magazines and printouts and notes of his.
Not saying you are like this, just venting a bit.
Posted 1 year ago # -
If you're even as close to the end of your rope as you sound, you and your wife both need to see a marriage therapist, preferably with someone who has experience with dealing with clutterers and/or hoarders.
While JuliaJayne's advice is good in theory, it sounds like this has been an issue between you and your wife for a long time. Following JuliaJayne's advice at this point will probably backfire, as your wife will see it as a personal attack. Putting her on the defensive will not help you resolve this.
You really need a professional to help you guys through this. This isn't something a few forum members' advice can fix.
Posted 1 year ago # -
This from the wife in this situation (though we have no kids). My husband is the neat one and cannot understand why I am not/cannot be like him. We have had many many disgreements (and beyond) about this over the last nearly 39 years. I really do try to work on this, and at times am successful in getting things decluttered - getting them to stay this way is for some reason very difficult for me.
Our compromise whis has been working for quite some time now is that the "shared" rooms - living room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom - will stay uncluttered. What happens in my office, sewing room and car are not his concern. This helps a lot, and lets me work at decluttering at my own pace and without criticism. Most of the time I wouldn't want his help even if he offered (except to move furniture, boxes, etc). Yes, I would love to have all my spaces tidier and for them to stay that way. It's better than it was when I was working but a lot of the time I just don't "see" the accumulation until I need something.....
No advice really, except to understand that she's likely not doing it willfully, and that maybe professional help would be of use.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Thanks for chiming in, pkilmain! Your compromise is much like mine - DH is the clutterer now (we both used to be ... I changed), so he has "his" space. But ours is a temporary compromise, because he's not happy with the situation and neither am I. That room we can't use because it's so full of junk costs us $600 a month in rent.
Like you and Mrs. Mack, I think a counselor could help TBall at this point. Good luck!
Posted 1 year ago # -
No advice, Tball - just sympathy.
Posted 1 year ago # -
tball, i feel for you.
it sounds like a very difficult situation.
i don't think you can solve this on your own.....it's time for professional help.Posted 1 year ago # -
I agree with the advice given, but would like to add that it might be best if you discuss this with your wife first. If you want a decent marriage you cannot just 'forbid' your spouse to do things. But you can tell her that you don't want to continue like this, especially since it is starting to affect the children. She will probably not want them to take over that trait of hers either. Then you can agree on some rules, like mentioned above.
I feel your problem, only we do not have kids (that would be a disaster haha) I live with my boyfriend who is unable to clean up after himself and has a really hard time letting go of things. I recently figured out why, so I can respect that now. However...we live in an apartment and share our office, so all our spaces are shared. I was sick of fighting about cleaning up and also sick of the other solution: doing it all myself. Here;s what I did. We have designated his desk and his side of the bed as his areas. My side of the bed and my desk are my areas. The rest is shared. I clean up my areas and the shared areas. If my boyfriend's stuff is in those areas I put it either on his desk or, when it's clothing, on the side of his bed. It still looks nasty, an neat office with one mostly cleared desk and one with piles and piles of stuff on it, but whatever. His side of the deal that he has to accept that his stuff cannot be all over the place. And my side of the deal is that I don't nag about his mess. We both have to respect eachothers wishes: My need for things being uncluttered, and me being less attached to stuff are not more important than his need to have all his stuff around him and him being attached to things.Good luck!
Posted 1 year ago #
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