Significant other's clutter

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Started 1 year ago by camille
Latest reply from SunshineR
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camille
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I've been pretty good (if I do say so myself) about uncluttering my personal stuff, but my boyfriend still has a lot of things I consider clutter. It's chiefly things he's had to clear out from his old bedroom at his parents' house, like documents and books from high school and university, books from his childhood or teenage days, piles of old magazines, a ton of photos, etc. which I think take up space we could reclaim in our apartment.

I know he agrees in theory and knows there's some sorting to do -- most of those things could be either recycled, donated or stored away in our basement -- but he works really hard and I realize this isn't the kind of relaxing activity he's dying to engage in on weekends.

I have a strict no-nagging policy so that strategy is out, but I try to drop hints from time to time, lead by example, and I simply wait for the day that he is suddenly moved to take on the task.

I was wondering if anyone else was in the same sort of situation, and if so, how do you handle it?

Posted 1 year ago #
charmed2482
Member

the main thing I do is lead by example. I try no tell my BF to get rid of anything, its up to him and I don't want him to miss his stuff and then blame me b/c I told him to get rid of it. I just tell him every once in a while he needs to organize his stuff or deal with it b/c it tends to accumulate in piles and then fall over b/c he just throws things where ever and there isn't any kind of organization for the most part. he just deals with it every once in a while, often enough that it doesn't get so bad.

Mostly I think he sees me uncluttering and gets inspired himself he was even doing that before i moved in, when he saw me getting rid of things in my old apartment. He had a huge pile of stuff, that had collapsed twice in his apartment, he finale went through and donated, sold or trashed most of it.

I try not to nag either, b/c know that doesn't do any good. but If it gets to bad, I just loose it and tell him to deal with his sh*t, and that usually gets his attention b/c we don't fight a lot or get mad at each other all that often. i usually don't get sick of it unless its directly effecting me, or my ability to function in the apartment.

Like he had a lot of random crap in the kitchen he never used but insisted on keeping. like for his coffee. He had a second breadmaker he used to roast coffee beans along with a heat gun and small tripod and large screen to dry them on. then a 2nd cheap blender to grind them and a small coffee maker. he experimented with making his own coffee for a while then stopped doing it. Recently he gave up coffee so I waited a while to see if it would stick and then suggested he do something about all the stuff in the kitchen b/c it made it to hard to cook and move around it there with so much stuff, and told him I refuse to cook in a messy cluttered dirty kitchen(in a nice non argumentative way). That got his attention and he dealt with it finale. now we have a lot more space for the things we actually use in there, which is great.

Posted 1 year ago #
mac8girl
Member

I have the same problem. My husband's excuse is that the stuff he doesn't use isn't taking up space we need for anything else. He doesn't understand that it's less about the space and more about unused items.

Posted 1 year ago #
jbeany
Member

@mac*girl - mental and visual space count, too. He's overloading yours!

Posted 1 year ago #
ozegal
Member

@mac8girl - I'm big on space. I don't like having to 'clear the table' so we can eat off it, but unfortunately, without an entrance hall we have no room for an entry table, so everything does land on the table when we get home and often stays there for quite a while until I ge around to putting it away. What I'm getting at is just because you have a space, doesn't mean you have to use it - often its already doing its job in your home as an empty space, so that your home feels bigger and less cramped. Maybe tell your DH that you would like the idea of having some 'empty space' so that you aren't alway looking at a job that looks like it needs doing?

@camille - In my experience, nagging never works, so you're right not to nag. You seem to want to approach this the right way with the lead by example thing so first of all, well done. In our place, when things get too messy I get fidgetty but hubby can't see any jobs that need to be done. He will do half the dishes if I'm not home, but as soon as the drainer gets full he'll stop and leave the rest. I have learned that this is the level of helping he is comfortable with, and I either clear the drainer and leave the rest for him to do, or do them myself. The fastest way of getting him to do nothing is to criticise what he does do...

A list might be a good thing, start small. If he has a room full of stuff you want organised, start with "maybe this weekend, we could spend an hour or so sorting out your old photos?" Then have a weekend off and suggest another item to try the weekend after that. You might find as the room starts to clear, he will find his own momentum and want to 'finish the job' himself. On the plus side, if he's happy for you to help - you can go over memories and share stories about certain items. When you have shared a moment, you'll be able to share it again without a piece of memorabilia...

If that doesn't work you could slowly move one or two items onto his pillow. This might prompt him to find a place for it or decide its not important after all. This works with my husband when he leaves his camera on the table for a few days, or doesn't put his socks in the wash.. I dunno how your hubby would react to this, but don't do it if you think it might infuriate him..

Good luck!

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

I've had this very issue for a long time and have been dithering about how next to approach it. Leading by example hasn't really worked and nor has inviting participation.

DH is from a family culture in which the men are very passive and the women drive everything. In many respects he has overcome that, but not when it comes to managing his stuff and our family life; I plan EVERYTHING and he goes along.

Given that background, in my case I think I'm gonna have to just set a schedule and say, this is what I want to do, I want you involved, let's do this part of it on this day. And see what happens.

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

chacha1: Maybe DH is waiting for your leadership or permission; I feel that my DBF is of similar temperament so far as clutter goes. I sometimes get angry but he tells me he didn't know it was important to me, or that it doesn't matter much to him.

He does enjoy making social plans for us. I just prefer to get out of the house, rather than having others see our clutter (improving, but still a work in progress).

I agree with giving your DH some advance time, so he feels included in the decision process. Keep us posted on what happens....

Posted 1 year ago #

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