what do you do when your partner is not all that interested in changing their mindset or their habbits? He doesn't think -like i do -that there is a problem with my thinking- he just thinks that we're lazy, and we'll clean it up later. he's not - not helpful -when i ask- but in general he thinks that my cleaning outburts are commical. i want my life to change- i want my house to be neat and life to be well kept also. How do i concentrate on making myself what i want to be without being derailed by him? help.
Overall Rating: 1 vote
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Posted 1 month ago #
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I have the same problem and the only thing that makes a difference is proving to my hubby that I am changing. I don't talk about it, I don't tell him to change his ways, I just do things differently myself. And 9 times out of 10 he'll start copying me.
You have to think long term about this though. Keep up with your changes for a month, six months, a year - that will prove that you are serious. (And don't talk about it. I can't say that enough. It seems like the more women talk, the more men tend to not take us seriously!)
Posted 1 month ago # -
kannie: Your partner probably does not share the same priorities as you in this topic. Figure out how to tie in your goals with his priorities. You want an uncluttered life. He wants, what? Better financial status, social gatherings, family harmony, convenience,clean socks, whatever. A lot of things he might want are tied in with the smoothly run household. My husband wants to be able to jump in the truck on a Friday after work and go camping on weekends. This won't happen if there is no plan or organization to our lives. The stuff needs to be cleaned, packed, stored and ready to go. We developed a checklist to keep track of what we take and where we keep it (red bag=cooking pots,lawn chairs on garage shelf, etc)
Even if he just wants you by his side to watch old Kung-Fu movies, you have to insist that you will be happy to do that once that pile of laundry is folded and the dishes are put away. Now, which would he like to do as you do the other? Some partners passively leave the running of the household to the other (I am trying not to stereotype here...) They figure you will ask for help if you need it, and you assume they should KNOW what you want them to do.
You have to ask, ask every time you need the help and then make sure to include their priorities. "I am planning the week's meals and was going to make that dish you like so much. Would you please make a trip to the store after we decide what night to serve this meal?"
Some folks don't deal well with change. When I first came to live in his home, my husband felt threatened by my decorating/organizing plans. He thought I'd be throwing all of his stuff away or putting girlie things all over. I made him part of the process. I slowly began identifying our needs, such as "We always rush around to get out of the house every morning. Is there a place we can use as a launch pad for our keys and bookbags? or "The pile of papers on the desk includes things we don't need daily. What topics can we put into a file for long-term storage and get it out of our way?" His biggest gripe was that he didn't know where stuff was once I had given it a home, so we discussed the place we might naturally go looking for an item and that became a home for it.
He still marks his territory with dirty socks but then, so do I...:-)
Posted 1 month ago # -
this is a great thread i agree with both replies. my cleaning outburst are comical too, they probably wouldn't be if DH wasn't light hearted about it. I usually am in a really bad mood when i clean or declutter b/c its just so frustrating, so it gives everyone a headache no-one really takes it seriously. better to just be consistent and patient, it may take a while
Posted 1 month ago # -
I'm on the opposite side of things. My husband is naturally neat. I don't know about organized, but naturally neat. He prefers nothing on surfaces, but has a hard time actually speaking about developing systems to deal with the stuff.
I'm the cluttered one, and he uses my clutter as an excuse for putting little effort into cleaning because he'd have to clean around my stuff. Eventually he gets fed up, cleans the whole house, and acts the martyr.
He's very negative about my attempts to create systems because he thinks they should be naturally programmed into my brain.
Anyway, I feel for you. I agree that you should do what you need to do, and when he sees its for real, he'll come on board. In the meantime, ask him for help by asking him to do something specific and thanking him when he does it.
Posted 1 month ago #
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