overwhelmed and completely lost the plot - need guidance please

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overwhelmed and completely lost the plot - need guidance please

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Started 9 months ago by shahbazi
Latest reply from mskris
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shahbazi
Member

hey hey - found this site - looks good
my problem is i think, well i know im a compulsive shopper - even though i have stopped it of late -- my house dosent have one square inch of space left-

to me - the things i own and have are either new or good and of some value -

i cant get my head around, what to ditch - or even how to start organising -
I know i must its driving me banana's !!

I want to give a lot away to charity, but where i live they no longer have the big bins where you drop of your belongings - you have to go into the store -- (no big deal) apart that i have had a back operation and find lifting heavy things a real issue --

I live alone now and was never like this when married - *30 years*
I tend to start a little project then think, ohh gawd - where do i put this??
because i do use it or want it - hope this makes some sense

It's got to the stage where i am embarrassed to have anyone come to my tiny little villa --

Also i get given lots of goodies - nice things by my children , things i already have , but don't like to tell them that, nor toss them -

I know one local charity store here that takes your excess goodies, if they have too much stock at the time - they take it to the local tip in an undercover truck and dump it -- seen it for myself -- so that breaks my heart too--

any suggestions on where to start -- too many clothes - shoes - everything
*clothes problem being i go up and down in size* all the time -- but still too many and i love them all....

It's draining me of strength and a life ---

thanks guys - hope i dont sound like a desperate woman - too much

cheers from downunder
shahbazi

Posted 9 months ago #
Jackthetiger
Member

Hi Shahbazi,

I think that reading some of the different threads will be really helpful to you. There are many people who have felt as you do and have begun the journey to decluttering their lives. It will be a long and gradual process, but if you keep going you will begin to see big changes. A couple of things I think you should do. Set a target project - a room or a cupboard where you can begin. Secondly, post your little successes on the "A thing a day thread". Next begin picking out everything that is good, but that you no longer want or need, parcel them up and get a charity to pick them up. Not all charities have too much stock. No items have value unless you love and use them. It is just stuff and this stuff is making you unhappy.

Above all, STOP SHOPPING!! No more must come into your house. Get you kids on side by telling them how you feel. Suggest non tangible things like a lunch out somewhere.

I am sure you will find many suggestions and ideas. Above all, just do it!

Posted 9 months ago #
Ella
Member

Here are two easy and painless ideas for starters:

1. In order to stem the flow of stuff coming in from your children...
Write a letter/note to each of your children telling them you have made a commitment to pare down your belongings. Tell them you want their support. Ask them to hold off giving you ANYTHING for X months (you decide the length of time). Tell each of them that you are asking the same of all your children, so no one feels offended. Jackthetiger's idea is excellent... ask them to take you out to lunch or some other uncluttery activity instead. Or maybe a gift card for a spa manicure, facial, or massage.

2. In order to help reduce your clothing...
Turn all of the hangers in your closet backwards. For the next month (or for X months; you decide), whenever you actually wear something, hang it back up with the hanger turned back around the right way. At the end of that time period, take everything you haven't worn and divide it into two boxes... one box for the stuff you feel sure about donating, and the other box for the things you still want to keep or are undecided about. Put the donation box in your car and take it away. Seal up the other box for X months, then open it and review. You can do likewise with your folded clothes, shoes, and other accessories.

These are just two starter ideas, but they will help give you a sense of control and taking positive action.

Posted 9 months ago #
Emilie
Member

Good advice given so far. Welcome, and we're here for ya. In terms of items with potential value, I often look them up on Ebay to see if they're actually valuable. If they are, I recommend finding someone in your life who needs some extra money and knows how to sell on Ebay, and letting them sell some of your stuff for half the proceeds. You'll make *some* money and can focus on other things. Selling things in any manner is very time-intensive. Unless you have a garage sale. If your back is giving you trouble, get your kids, a friend or a neighbor to take the donations in for you--they probably won't mind, especially if you buy them lunch or something. ;) Admittedly, uncluttering is a long process, but starting might be the hardest part. Just go slow, you can do it.

Posted 9 months ago #
jbeany
Member

You can start grouping things together, too. You said your kids are giving you duplicates of things you already have. If you put them all in one place, it's easy to pick out the nicest one, and much easier to let go of all the others.

Don't let weight limits on lifting stop you. I've got the same problem. There's nothing wrong with having a dozen small bags loaded into your car, rather than one huge one. It may take you a few more trips in and out of the charity store to donate them all, but I just figure the exercise is good for me! I live in an upstairs apartment, and every time I go down to get the mail or the paper, another armload goes down the stairs with me, be it recycling or donations. Set a basket for the OUT stuff by the door, and pick away at it.

Posted 9 months ago #
shahbazi
Member

Hiya there folks, thanks so much for the replies and suggestions to date -

I have been reading about this stuff for weeks on other sites --- i just cant seem to get motivated either ---- i guess that's normal too.

My grown children do take me for lunch -
get this - my daughter is just out of uni and is a psychologist - now working with disabled people, and older folk -- she is the one that keeps telling me -- MUMMMMMMMM!!!! you have OCD ---- just chuck half of this out !! (i probably do have a heap of problems - that's true !!

for example i just found in the cupboard - a box of skin care products that were given to me at xmas time -- Dr. Lewin's - the full set of everything u can imagine --- cost on bottom of box $249.00 -- SAD huh?

I already have enuff skin care -when i bother to use it to last me for the rest of my life -- that is just a wee example of some of the issues i have --

I feel too good to chuck - I dont think our charity stores take skin care, make up or undies- (not that i would pass my knickers on to anyone - eeewww!

but thanks again -- i just need a hugh push --

and i also have to ask myself why -- i got like this when i separated from my husband -- after a very long marriage --

I sometimes feel -- maybe i'm right or wrong - who knows - but im collecting because i feel a loss -- that's just my opinion ----but at the same time i know its not doing my overall health, mental health , general well being any good

thanks again guys - you are cherubs
cheers
shah

Posted 9 months ago #
Ella
Member

Well, we can only offer suggestions and our heartfelt support, which is big and powerful! Still, it's up to you to take action. You've listed the reasons why it's difficult for you to declutter. But now... what do you think you could actually manage? Set an easy-to-reach goal for yourself. One success will lead to another. You decide where to start, and then join us in posting about it on our ATAD A Thing A Day thread.

Posted 9 months ago #
jbeany
Member

Why not see if there's a local woman's shelter that would take the unopened and unexpired skin care stuff. Bet some of their visitors would love to have some quality things!

Posted 9 months ago #
bandicoot
Member

hi shah, and welcome to the forum.

i think the break-up of a long marriage is a very good reason for your new behaviours with "stuff".
and you are very perceptive to have spotted it.
seeing the root of the problem is the most important thing....i firmly believe that decluttering begins in our minds, with attitude changes.
you have come to the perfect place for this.....we love talking about this!

i recommend brooks palmer's blog and book to you:
http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/
he has a very gentle, kind approach and i think you deserve that.
read around the forums here, ask questions, jump in on the ATAD thread, join us in our no-spend challenges, and just make a start.
you can do this and there isn't a deadline.

Posted 9 months ago #
JuliaJayne
Member

Welcome, Shah.

You are mentally in a good place. You know that having too much stuff isn't adding to your quality of life. You sound ready to me.

Another easy place to declutter is with skin care stuff/grooming products. Look for any product with an expiration date. Toss everything that has expired. Lotions, shampoos, conditioners don't last forever, but many of these products don't have expiration dates. Some of the ingredients start breaking down, and they all seem to have a telltale stink. Get rid of those too because you don't know what is chemically changing inside those bottles. Check all medications too and get rid of anything that has expired.

You could ask your daughter to help you. She already wants you to get rid of stuff, so she might be eager to help.

The key is to just start. Get a feel for how liberating it is to start releasing the excess, and let that feeling take hold.

Posted 9 months ago #
susanintexas
Member

I agree that the key is just to start. Don't think right now about the big picture -- it can be overwhelming -- and just do one small thing today. Then another small thing tomorrow. It's like exercise -- you're building up your decluttering muscle and it gets easier with time and experience.

You might want to take a small bag or box of stuff to a charity shop and have a chat with them. See if they will make a pick up. Ask what they take and what they do not accept. They might have some ideas about where you can donate items they cannot accept, such as toiletries. If that charity gives you a bad vibe, try another one.

People donate a lot of horrible junk to charities. Broken appliances, dirty, stained, torn clothing -- it's probable that the "dump" trips you witnessed were defective items rather just getting rid of excess.

You have a great attitude -- you can do this!

Posted 9 months ago #
Sky
Member

Lots of good suggestions here. It is helpful getting started to just take a garbage bag and walk through your house and toss what you know to be trash and recyclables. It will clear out what really needs to go first. Then maybe a drawer in the kitchen or bedroom. Every little bit adds up quickly.

Maybe sell the expensive cosmetics on ebay?

Sometimes the first step is the hardest. Best of luck to you and let us know how it is going.

Posted 9 months ago #
MTNgirl
Member

Listing on Craigslist or Freecyle will save you having haulsome things into a charity shop. Or putting it on sidewalk with a free sign for some items that are not worth much but still have plenty of use. You could have a yard sale if you have lots of energy! In your area, are there trucks that will come to the house to pick up donations? Also look up on-line or in the phone book for charity shops that are not as well known. Some churches have a shop, or teenage mom's organizations, or even the Senior Citizens! Some churches, universities, and kid's organizations look for donations for yard sales as well.

Read the websites, Zen Habits and mnmlist for inspiration. http://mnmlist.com/security/ and http://zenhabits.net/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life/

You can do it! You have found a great forum of people here to support you!

Posted 9 months ago #
Felicia
Member

Our small town hosts a monthly senior party and give door prizes. I believe they accept donations. My mom has won lotions, dish towels, what-knots, etc. She now lives in a senior citizen apartment complex and will be going to their community bingo this week. It's my understanding that the prizes are donated and things that are useful.
In my case, I found that our local horse racing track has over 1000 migrant workers who come here with nothing except their families. I've been cleaning out my house and keep a donation box handy for them. I've brought quite a bit of stuff. The track chaplain called me recently to thank me for all the donations. It made me feel good that my unwanted items are being used and loved by others in need. I never would have guessed that a race track could need household items, clothing, or children's toys. The good thing is that I can donate at any time and know that they are appreciated. I'm sure there are other places that could use your items.
In May, we were told we were gonna have a flood and we had to get our stuff and get out within 24-48 hours. We boxed everything up and left. The flood didn't happen for us (Thank the good Lord), but I was left with unpacking. I haven't completely unpacked everything, because I like that my house isn't as cluttered as it used to be. As soon as the weater cools off, I will go through the rest of the boxes and probably donate a lot more items. The thing that I learned was we had too much stuff. I haven't used 30 boxes of things in three months and we are happy with what we have out. That's telling me something.
The suggestions and support here are enormous. Good luck on your clean out.

Posted 9 months ago #
Parsifal
Member

I can relate to the comments about being giving things you don't want to discard. It is less of an issue lately (from my side of the family, anyhow) since we've been telling family for years that we really don't need anything, but we always enjoy home cooked food and appreciate donations made to charity on our behalf as well if they feel like they MUST do something.

When we do get boxed gifts (As Seen On TV (tm), thanks father-in-law!) I usually take them straight to Goodwill or a thrift store.

TBH Craigslist/Freecycle has been WAY more trouble than it is worth, because the truly needy usually lack transportation and internet anyway. What you find are the picky suburban bargain-hunters. No thanks!

Posted 9 months ago #
mskris
Member

Welcome, Shahbazi! We were all in similar straits at one time, so first of all, relax! Everyone here has wonderful advice. I love Sky's idea to just take a trash bag around and get rid of what's truly trash/recyclables first. Then start small - you're probably feeling overwhelmed at the thought of tackling your whole villa at once. Pick a drawer or area in a single room and spend 15 minutes going through its contents. You'll probably find things you haven't seen in quite a while, and if you hadn't missed it, you can probably toss it.

My church makes care baskets for cancer patients, and they love lotions, oils, and other types of skincare items. That would be a very worthy cause to which to donate. If you think you can't take items to donation sites, see if you can afford to have a company like (1-800-got-junk) come get it for you; I'm not sure if you have those down under? They try to donate as much usable stuff as possible. The only downside is you generally have to pay them, but it's a flat fee depending on how much you need to donate. I used them after my mom passed and her whole condo ended up in my basement. When they arrived, I really got on a roll and ended up tossing a whole lot of my own stuff as well!

Good luck.

Posted 9 months ago #
shahbazi
Member

Hiya guys, firstly i must say a big thank you for making me feel i'm not completely alone or bonkers!
I had trouble getting back into this site because I had lost/forgotten the password the site gives you - have that now sorted out - thank goodness.

I'm pretty much in the same position as i was when first posting on this site - up to my eyeballs in soooooo much stuff - there isnt an inch of space left to even put things away in a cupboard to at least hide them temporarily! - which i know isnt the answer --

I must also add i have recently had an operation and was in hospital for a week , for a problem i never knew i had - thank goodness it showed up on my back CT scan and I was referred onto another specialist and in hospital 2 days later.

Not that im making excuses here -- just explaining --i guess

Your advice above is greatly appreciated and i thank you all for being so kind and caring -- that means a lot to me !!!

I look around this room now, and i cant see one empty space on a shelf or lounge or anywhere, its still full of clutter and yes it is very draining on the mind !

A while back i went into my garage -*can't park my car in there* and seen boxes i still had from when i moved to this unit nearly 3 years ago - i opened some and YES, i thought WOW i had forgotten about this -- it's nice - things from my past -- pretty things - unusual things, that i had whilst married --

I know thats getting off the subject - but god only knows what is growing in my garage as well - i thought i would start by boxing things up that are in the house and storing them in garage until i can get my mind around -parting with it or at least giving it to someone who would like it !!

again there are clothes i found - ie one jacket - never worn - with tags, nearly had a fit , when i seen the price on it $99.00 -- thats just a little example of things -- If i had junkie/crappie stuff it would be so easy to chuck --

I found i was also buying large plastic storage boxes to at least pack stuff in to store -- started this project , but i would end up with 35 or more boxes - how stupid is that. ----

my son - who by the way is 29yrs old , just says mum close your eyes and just pack it all up and i will come and take it away - he said dont even look at your things just dump them. Daughter, (psychologist) can u believe - tells me all the time -- no one needs all this stuff - most people only have about 8-10 pairs of shoes - not 50-- ewwww!! and of course she is right .

its very hard - i know my clutter and mess has turned me into a go to someone elses house for dinner, I can't return the favour and invite them over for sheer embarrassment -- I know it is affecting my social life big time.

I dont wish to sound like i have everything in the world - i dont have happiness thats for sure too

but gee , i must admit i find it awkward to part with things that are brand new, or still nice - pretty, gifts, and so on --- the ebay idea sounded like a good one -- i must try and find someone who will take some of these things off my hands and sell the new items for me - good idea

This is a lot of rambling, sorry guys i'm tired and i must admit the clutter makes me very tired --

i come back to the part where i dont know where to start ......

in fact i think my problem has grown since i first posted to be honest !!

i do envy people who are organised = how i wish i could go back to my old self, cant think why i can't but i just cant - very hard to explain

I must also say i am clean , i like things clean so the house is not dirty, thank goodness
but if u ever seen a hoarders show -- im not far from that -- apart from the fact i dont have dirty, dishes in the sink or absolute garbage hanging around...just a truck load of everything u can think of times 10 !

gee, i hope this post makes some sense -- i know its a bit of rambling from a very frustrated, overwhelmed, unhappy Aussie lady - (bought on by myself)

one last point, how bad is it, when you open your cupboard or a box and don't even remember having things, that you havent seen in a long time -- BAD!!

Ps in closing i had to go out last night, somewhere special with a friend and i spent about an hour looking for a Top i wanted to wear - still havent found it ....Ohhhh gee, shah you need help ---

I told my doctor about this problem - he referred me to a specialist, i took pics of my unit and emailed them to him --

He said i have OCD - and put me on medication for it = took that for about 3 days, it made me sick in the stomach and stopped me sleeping , so i had to ditch that meds..... but the problem remains

I will go now and try and follow this site, now i'm back in it- hooray --thanks for letting me vent my unhappy spleen --

I have tried to start to conquer this and then i think..this is crazy i cant even concentrate long enough to keep on track --

wishing you all a fab week - It's now Oct 10th Monday morning here

cheers

Shahbazi

PS is there any other Australian's on this site ?

bye again

Posted 7 months ago #
lottielot
Member

Ok; how about a personal organiser? You can pay someone to come in and help you sort through things, they will help you to sell stuff too sometimes, maybe some of it could go to a consignment shop or whatever. You sound completely overwhelmed and stuck and in need of real, physical, practical help. Which could come either from your kids (they sound lovely, by the way) or you could pay someone to at least get you started. A personal organiser really sounds like the best solution, someone to help you get to a point where you could do it by yourself.
And the problem with not wanting to get rid of stuff which is 'worth' something is all too common, but how much is it costing you to keep it in terms of your peace of mind, the space in your house, etc? If you have stuff you bought and forgot about, can you really say it has any 'value'? It's taking up space, it needs to earn that space by being useful or beautiful, enhancing your life and not detracting from it.
Good luck, you sound like you're ready to get started. It's a difficult task, but it's not impossible :) Please get some help from somewhere though!

Posted 7 months ago #
Ella
Member

shah ~ In your very first post you said: "It's draining me of strength and a life ---"

From your latest post today, it's clear that's still the situation for you. I agree with Lottie... you need help from a professional organizer. Even though your children and your doctors care deeply and want to help, they are not experts in organizing.

Earlier on, someone here recommended Brooks Palmer and his clutter-busting blog:
http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/

He does consultations world-wide by phone (I think it's $75 per hour?), and other organizers offer similar rates. Even just one single hour to get a pro's advice would be money well spent. Otherwise right now your mind is being pulled in too many directions, you can't think straight, can't get a handle on things, and it's all just as you say... draining you of strength and life. A professional organizer will anchor you and set you on the right path.

Posted 7 months ago #
576
Blocked

Shahbazi

Did you talk to the doctor about the effect of the medication.
I am on anti-depressents - the side effects were dreadful for the first few days but then stopped.
There may be alternative medication you could take.
If you haven't already - please tell your doctor about the side effects and that you're not taking them.
Sometimes these things take a while to kick in - also when I am having a depressed time I find it much harder to stay on top of things like tidying, cleaning - certainly wouldn't be able to deal with any uncluttering.

Posted 7 months ago #

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