My mother hasn't let me in our family home for over 5 years. My father died 3 years ago and was in a nursing home for a few years up until he died. However, my mother's hoarding has likely in existence for 15-20 years and gotten progressively worse. I have suggested professional clutter cleanup services, but she won't take any action. The sad part is, my mother goes out and does things socially, so you'd never know the house is in this type of condition. I've suggested therapy for her to deal with what I think is depression. I am getting nowhere. It's very hurtful that I can't spend time in the home in which I grew up. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Posted 1 year ago #
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I'm so sorry to read about your situation. I'm a professional organizer, and I highly recommend the book Digging Out: http://www.newharbinger.com/bookstore/productdetails.cfm?PC=845
This book focuses on how to help a hoarder who isn't open to getting therapy - and perhaps doesn't even see that there's a problem. The book focuses on harm reduction - because often that's all that can be done, unless outside authorities are called in. This book is filled with wisdom and compassion, and it addresses things that no other book I've seen does.
My best wishes to you and your mother.
Posted 1 year ago # -
ta1064, I just wanted to add - you're not getting a lot of responses, probably because none of us has really found the answer to that, but you have all my sympathy. It's really difficult having a loved one whose mental processes make a literal barrier between you, and most of us here have dealt with it with someone. I have a lot of hope that the current flurry of attention to hoarding will help us put together a set of coping skills for families and friends, the way families and friends of addicts have done over the years.
My own father is an alcoholic, and I know for me that part of dealing with it is just grieving and getting through the loss of the family I don't have - we're not going to be close, he's not going to be a different person, my siblings and I aren't going to get to go back and have a close, peaceful, relationship-building childhood. That hurts, but I can't have any relationship with him at all if I'm still trying to have that ideal relationship, it stopped me from being able to get anything from the relationship we do have. I had to let it go.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I recommend looking up Children of Hoarders in yahoogroups and Facebook, you'll get a lot of info and support regarding dealing with hoarding parents. It is possible your mother may never face her problem but just having a sympathetic audience may help you immensely.
Posted 1 year ago # -
ta1064... your question is far beyond my experience or knowledge, but i wanted to say that i hope you can find some help.
what a very difficult situation for you and your mother.
hoarding is a terrible problem, it affects lives so drastically, yet it can stay so hidden.
you have my sympathy and best wishes.
i agree with everything rosa says about finding support and help for yourself, as well as for your mother.Posted 1 year ago # -
I appreciate all of the advice and reference info you provided. At least I know there are others out there being through the same issue.
Posted 1 year ago # -
ta1064,
We had a similar problem with my F-i-L, he refused to have anyone visit and refused help with the house as he became more disabled by Parkinson's Disease. However we didn't find a solution, then he fell, ended up in hospital and then in a nursing home and died a couple of years later, you are not alone.
I'm sorry I have no advice to give.Posted 1 year ago #
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