Wow, what a thread! First of all, welcome LGmed -- and I can totally relate! (Edit: Sorry in advance for this long post!)
I think this topic is a big one, and I cannot offer a shiny one-size-fits-all solution -- if there is one, I want to apply it to myself and my messy boyfriend whom I love, but whose apartment cleaning frequency decreases proportionally to the length of our relationship. With him, it's like terriok said: he just doesn't CARE as much. He also doesn't notice. We've talked about it, and cleanliness just seems to be something he considers 'unimportant'. He is also not distracted by clutter/mess/non-cleanliness, very unlike me. Also, sadly, my sense of smell is way better than his. I do put dishes into his dishwasher (thank all available deities that he has one) because I stay at his place about 3 times a week, but I refuse to vacuum or to clean his stove. I did clean his bathroom a few times because I told him it was icky and he didn't do anything about it, so after waiting a couple of days, I did clean it, and I regret it (I'm afraid I turned into "mommy").
To be fair though, my boyfriend does clean up after himself when we're at my place (not at his -- I don't know why). He is generally very laid-back, though he has mentioned a few things to me that bother him about me, but told me at the same time that there are generally more important things in a relationship than any of these things. There are a few household-type things that he now does differently because I like them (or because I loathe the opposite, LOL), and they are all matters that I have asked nicely about in a situation that had nothing to do with any of them. Also, I did adopt a tip from another forum thread for that: After my boyfriend had once tidied up his living room, I told him that this is exactly how I liked it and that it was the perfect state for the living room. The idea seems to be not to nag and say "Clean! Now!", invoking only question marks in the other's head (what does that mean? Clean? What exactly? How much? Where? Now?), but to have a template of what the desired "goal state" is.
Ugh, honestly, I think this whole topic is just so difficult because there are fine lines between asking nicely and nagging, between 'just do it yourself, don't sweat it' and rightfully feeling disrespected, between feeling like a martyr and feeling appreciated. It's also a matter of projecting it onto the entire relationship, as in: "If you don't respect me enough to clean your bathroom for me, it means you don't respect me at all", which might or might not be true. It's a can of worms! ;o)
There was a post on Unclutterer.com that sparked quite the controversy in the comments, it roughly said "If you care so much about it, do it yourself -- don't become a martyr, but if you know it takes you only 2 minutes to fix it/put it away, it might be worth it to just do it instead of building up resentment all day". I think it also mentioned "If you want someone to do something, don't expect them to do it on your schedule". I'm having a hard time sometimes figuring out what the "just do it and forget about it" items are and what the "resentment" ones are. The bottom line seems to be: Everyone is responsible for their own feelings, and: We are all different, and we care differently about different things. That seems to be the way it is... And I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with that! ;o)
Sorry this turned into a rant of my own there. To sum it up: I can't help you! ;o) LOL ;o) I have a lot of sympathy for you though, if that helps ;o)
On the motel suggestion: This is difficult. I think a motel room might be good to avoid any cleaning issues, but it raises the issue of how this relationship actually works and how the dynamics are... I have never told my boyfriend "I won't stay over at your place unless you clean", not because I have not thought about it, but because I would not want anyone (especially him!) to put ME under this kind of pressure, especially if "unless something" was a something I could not care less about.
Also, to get back to your original question, if I were you, I wouldn't clean the kitchen on your FREE day. Do something that is more fun :o) And if you think it might help, try talking to your boyfriend about this very calmly in a situation where you're not all worked up about it. If you (like me) project the whole disrespect thing on the relationship, tell him; if you (like me) are very irritated by clutter, tell him how it makes you feel; and if you (like me) don't want to adopt the mommy role, tell him, and also tell him why you feel you adopted it. Try to be as grown-up and matter-of-fact in this conversation (again, if you're like me, that will help).
:o)
