Moving In Together: Merging Two Entire Households Into One

Unclutterer ForumsLiving SpacesBedroom

Moving In Together: Merging Two Entire Households Into One

(61 posts) (28 voices)

Started 1 year ago by trillie
Latest reply from pkilmain
RSS feed for this topic

Overall Rating: votes

Tags:

12…4 Next »

trillie
Member

As mentioned previously on this topic, my boyfriend and I will be moving in together -- into my apartment. That means...

* We will both have to declutter: We'll be merging his 480sqft/45qm and my 730sqft/68qm into the latter
* Thankfully, there is no rush: We'll have three months to do this step after step (that's when boyfriend's rental agreement ends)
* This is an old building and the basement storage rooms are moist, so storing something important there for longer than a month is not a good idea
* We will have to decide on the "best of" for a lot of things, e.g. whose bed to keep, whose couch, whose fridge, whose kitchen pans, ... and then we'll have to figure out what to do with the other one (sell? donate? throw away?)
* We already agreed that it wouldn't make sense to buy a lot of new stuff (after all, we're moving into my dirt cheap apartment because of money/job uncertainty stuff), so we'll do the "make do with what you have and make it beautiful"
* While I am happy about moving in together, I dread the household stuff a bit... I know I tidy/clean more often than him, not necessarily because of a higher "clean" standard, but also because I've done that exhausting "no tidying up/cleaning for 8 weeks and now I have guests visiting in one hour" game often enough and I'm sick of it. Deep inside, I fear that the first big fight when living together will be, sadly, about trite stuff like vacuuming
* The boyfriend is happy about his opportunity to declutter -- he said he'd move the stuff he wants to keep and then wouldn't mind setting fire to the rest. To me, decluttering doesn't seem so "natural", because I don't actually move, so I don't have to pack and carry anything, and I have already decluttered quite a lot in the past years. So this will be a time of fine-tuning and rethinking everything for me

I've already made a list of what I would like/need to get rid of, and which areas I would like to fine-tune and reconsider -- and I'm determined to be ruthless, after all, this is a great opportunity to streamline my possessions. I also made a mental note to remember that my apartment becomes our apartment, and to make sure that each of us will have a space to call their own.

Does anyone have advice on this? Experience? Anything to consider? Sequence suggestions? :o) All your advice is, as always, greatly appreciated :o)

Posted 1 year ago #
Amy
Member

I think you'll find find that most of his stuff is going to get tossed because you don't like it. HAHAHA...That's the way it usually works!

I wonder why so few bother to marry first. It seems like people live together first, then buy a house, then have a baby, and then maybe get around to getting married. What happens when you split up and have to decide who gets what? Especially after joining your material possessions and only having one of everything...Does one person just walk out with nothing?

I wouldn't combine your finances without getting married. And maybe even not after getting married, either. It's too easy to walk away from each other these days.
But if a couple does split up and one leaves with nothing, then that person could just go get new stuff, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I sound so old-fashioned here. Like an old lady or somebody's mother.
After all, why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage.

Posted 1 year ago #
Anita
Member

Hi Trillie! So glad you added this thread, I was thinking of doing something similar myself :)

I'm moving in with my boyfriend too, but in our case we're getting a new apartment. Thank goodness for that, because we both live in little bachelor apartments and I have 2 cats -- to merge all that, a bigger place is a must for us. We both still have to declutter to make it all fit into a 1-bedroom apartment, and we'll have similar sorts of issues to deal with, so here's what we've decided so far:

1. In order to get rid of duplicates, I'm starting a home inventory, room by room. That way we can go through our respective lists, evaluate duplicates, and decide which to keep. It'll be slow and painful, but I think it will be invaluable with sorting kitchen stuff, since we both have fully equipped kitchens. Besides, if you're forced to go through every. single. thing you own, you'll probably get rid of more than you think.

2. If possible, then I'd suggest moving everything you both want to keep into your place, and everything you want to get rid of into his, preferably with a month or so to spare before his lease is up. Toss anything that's not in good enough condition to sell or donate, and then if you have any friends planning a move or setting up house (or who just like your stuff), invite them over to have their pick. After that, you'll hopefully be down to a manageable enough level of stuff that you won't find the task of selling/donating it as daunting.

3. For household chores, I'd suggest dividing them up according to what you each find less grating, and also to your willingness to clean regularly. I can relate to your frustration (my boyfriend isn't as meticulous about cleaning as I am either), but what we decided is that since he cooks a lot more than I do, the kitchen is his responsibility (except dishes, which we'll both do), the bathroom's mine (I'm more willing to deal with cat litter), and the rest we'll share as we go (with a tacit understanding that I'll do most of the regular cleaning, but he'll get scolded if he doesn't pick up after himself).

4. Finances are another thing to discuss. My family has had some bad experiences with merging all finances, so I'm against completely combining finances even after marriage. But I am in favour of setting up some sort of a joint account for common expenses (rent, groceries, utilities...), and having both of you contribute to it equally on a set schedule. In our case, rent includes all utilities except hydro (electricity), and the only other joint bill we will have is high-speed internet (no TV, and no home phone since we both rely on cell phones). So the decision was that he'll pay for hydro, I'll pay for Internet (bills tend to be roughly equal), and we're getting a joint credit card for rent and groceries, which we'll make equal payments on. We chose a credit card that accumulates travel points, which can go towards vacations -- and with our biggest expenses (rent and food) going on that card, I suspect points will add up fast.

That's all I got so far, but I'll be sure to check back as things develop on my side as well...

Posted 1 year ago #
trillie
Member

@Amy: I don't think it's old-fashioned -- different opinions make the world interesting! I won't get into the whole marriage pro/con discussion here, and I'll just say the boyfriend and I have talked about it, and we agree we will consider it, but first, we'll live together :o) And thank you for bringing up the financial aspect! We still have to make up our minds about that.
And, let's not hope that happens, in case of a separation I hope it would be like with my last live-in boyfriend: Still friends, no hard feelings, no problems dividing the stuff (we knew what we brought into the apartment, and for the stuff we weren't sure about, we talked about it like friends). But *knocks on wood* I do wanna keep this one. Meadows and butterflies!

@Anita: Oh right, yes, you did say that in another thread! Yes please, keep us updated too :o)
As for the finances, setting up a joint account for common expenses sounds very sensible, especially with the travel points. With the home inventory, I dread doing stuff like that, although it's probably easier making the time to sort through stuff together... I'll have to mull over your "my apartment: keep, his apartment: go" idea -- that will involve a whole lot of carrying stuff up and down 4 levels of stairs! ;o)

Posted 1 year ago #
JuliaJayne
Member

Another option to help get rid of your stuff. Start with your clothes if you haven't done this very recently. Take everything out. Put it on your bed. Decide how much space the boyfriend needs or split it in half if necessary. Now start going through your things, item by item. Get rid of anything that is too big, doesn't fit right, uncomfortable fabric, worn, etc. Get rid of the things that might be fine, but you don't like for whatever reason.

All bathroom supplies. You need to make room for his things. Go through everything of yours, being honest about "are you really going to use that". Get rid of expired products, excess, and stinky things. Even lotions and shampoos that are older typically have deteriorated.

The kitchen is, of course, as simple as who has the better things. Better doesn't always mean newer.

Office space: Does he have a computer or a lap top? Is there a space for his equipment? Miscellaneous items like hobby equipment, or weird decorative items like fratboy type posters come to mind.

Good luck and keeps us posted. :)

Posted 1 year ago #
GirlOverboard
Member

You mentioned having a basement but that it isn't prime storage for a lot of stuff... Would it be possible to get some sort of well-sealed storage container for your kitchen things? I know that with metal comes concerns about rust, but things like dishes and plastic anything I'm sure could be stored without much concern. For anything metal, maybe a sealed container (or something in a vacuum seal "space bag" in a regular container) in the basement on a shelf off of the floor is your best bet. This way if you do end up splitting up, neither one of you will have to re-buy a bunch of stuff. If you get married, it will just be a matter of taking those containers to a donation center.

I know that a big part of Unclutterer is not giving in too much to the "what ifs," but I think that when taking any large step in life, it's OK to hang onto a few things as long as you don't let them pile up. You can also reduce the amount that you store by first getting rid of things that aren't a big deal to buy again or probably need to be replaced anyway, such as measuring cups, baking pans, etc.

Posted 1 year ago #
pkilmain
Member

Great approach to combining households. And also for bringing up finances and household chores before moving in together. My husband and I lived together for a long time, and have been married an even longer time. We have never combined our finances. We do as Anita described, have a joint account for household bills: utilities, groceries, vet (we have 2 cats), etc., and the rest is individual. THe one thing we did agree on is to consult each other on purchases over x amount (the amount has raised over the years). Since we have similiar outlooks on money this is not a big issue for us. When we need new appliances or major household repairs, we share the cost. In the beginning one of us would buy the item, but we'd keep it pretty even (you bought the new washer, I'll buy the new mattress), but esp before we were married it was understood that if we split, we could each take what we had purchased, or negotiate an exchange.

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

Excellent ideas, everyone. Trillie, I think it's great that you and BF can talk about your plans; that you do have some time to get settled. I agree also about having some individual spending accounts. BF and I usually agree on what to buy, but in the event of having differing goals/tastes, I kick in the extra money beyond what he can afford. An dream example would be, after I sell my house, we plan to renovate BF's kitchen. I would love stainless steel appliances or black ones, but BF will probably pay for white ones.

Flights of stairs can make one stop and think...junk down, velvet-rope test, up.

Posted 1 year ago #
Another Deb
Member

I remember searching the internet for advice on this topic about five years ago when I moved in with my dear hubby. It was critical for him that he not feel "invaded" and devalued by me tossing his stuff in favor of my own. We went slowly and eventually decided which garlic press and lawn chairs we liked, which mattress and couch we didn't. I had to re-think my decor options since I was shabby chic cottage and his house is Arizona territorial. We've been married three years now and are still purging duplicates. Our decor is evolving and both of us like how it has worked out, especially since I got to paint all those white walls!

Posted 1 year ago #
Irulan
Member

Good luck with your merging, trillie! My husband and I moved in together straight out of college, so we didn't have to deal with cutting down on doubles or changing established household habits, but it was still an adventure. A couple of things to think about:
- Arguing about chores is okay, and not at all trivial. It's a LOT better than feeling resentful because you think you're the only one doing chores. If you want to pre-empt it, think about setting up a chore chart for you both. This doesn't have to be combative, either. Just ask him how often he likes to do the chores at his apt, and which chores he prefers/hates as a way of making the transition easier on you both.
- The "personal space" that you mentioned above is especially important if either of your are introverted. Look at the use each of you makes of your current space and think of your merged apartment in those terms: maybe you prefer web-surfing from your bed but he likes to hang out in the kitchen.
- Finances: Regardless of whether you join or keep separate finances, you should both beware of your general financial state and what the status is for bills. Pay attention to what each of you prefers as far as paying bills (online, mailing, once a month, once a week, payday, shifted in from savings) and set up something that you can both live with and that will not lead to forgotten bills. Keep in mind that utilities can only speak to the account-holder, so you may want to add him on to the account.

Posted 1 year ago #
Sophie
Member

Congrats Trillie, my partner moved into my place about 2 1/2 years ago. It was a big job as we had two three bedroom houses to combine into one and we're still decluttering now. We basically decided who had the nicest of each thing. Some things were easy e.g. I had 3 good beds and he had two crap ones which we donated. He had the nice couches, we sold mine. Then we kept his TV, stereo, DVD - and sold my TV, and donated my stereo and DVD.

It's definitely a challenge combining two households, but it can be done.

The finance one is interesting. We have a joint account as well as separate accounts. It really comes down to whatever works for the couple.

Posted 1 year ago #
Angelo
Member

trillie, I'm in precisely the same boat right now -- I'm moving into her apartment in January, and we've got similar issues (although we're both pretty tidy people). I also see it as a great opportunity to declutter, but truth be told, I've gotten a little lazy about that. Time to kick my butt back into gear!

To your point about making a mental note about "my apartment becomes our apartment" -- what I've already started doing is bringing a couple of things over (that she needs anyhow, like kitchen utensils) so that my presence is hinted at in her daily routines, as well as using 'shared' phrases like "home" for her apartment, "our bathroom," "our bed," "our television," &cet -- regardless of whether it's my stuff or her stuff. This way it gets it into both our heads that with our sharing will come some compromises because we stop thinking possessively about our own individual things and places and start thinking as a team.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!

Posted 1 year ago #
Anita
Member

Tip: keep an eye out of opportunities to declutter without needing to nag or be nagged.

Example: BF and I are going away for the weekend, and he asked me to help him pack. While looking for a bag for his toiletries, which turned out to be buried under a pile of stuff in his bathroom cabinet, we cleaned out his entire bathroom. We threw away and donated a small mountain of random things his mom had insisted on giving him before he left home and that he'd never really bothered to go through. And now, there are that many fewer things to move, yay!

Posted 1 year ago #
irishbell
Member

Anita- perfect! Just about anytime is a good time to unclutter.

Posted 1 year ago #
trillie
Member

Wow, thanks for all the good advice! :o) I've been very busy on the weekend, so I finally get around to answering now :o)

On finances: It sounds like a lot of you favor the "joint account but each one has their own account" approach, and this seams not only feasible, but logical -- I have already suggested this to my boyfriend, he was on board immediately and even suggested we'd put in even more into the joint account to save up for trips and vacations, yay!

On 'personal space': He'll definitely bring his desk, so I hope that each of us having their own desk space will serve as enough personal space. There is also enough room in the kitchen or bedroom to sit down with a tea, book or laptop if you want to flee from the other one and have some privacy :o)

@JuliaJayne: This is an old house, so there are no built-in closets anywhere. The boyfriend will bring his own wardrobe, and I will keep my wardrobe and dresser. So thankfully, no clothes purge -- but you did get me thinking about the other areas where it will help very much to make some room for his stuff (oh noes, bathroom, bookshelves, kitchen cupboards, coat rack). My to do list grows! ;o)

@GirlOverboard: Sealed storage containers! Why did I not think of that yet? ;o) It's actually pretty smart to keep at least some basic stuff for "Justin Case", because my boyfriend has been looking for a job in his actual profession for more than a year now (he's a pilot, insert monologue about economic crisis and fired pilots worldwide here), and will go whereever he'll get a job offer. (That's part of the moving in together idea: Moving into an affordable place together now, saving on rent, knowing/hoping he'll get an offer within hopefully a year -- and if that job is in a different city, we'd be able to afford this place and a small apartment for him in wherever else, too, and then after a year or so, we'll update our plans.)

@Another Deb and Sophie: You are right, the merging will take time, and I know that once you live in a place for a while, it turns out you need/want/use things differently than you initially thought. But if there are any easy decisions out there (my broken stereo out, his hin, my wobbly bed out, his new bed in, his pots and pans out, mine in and so on), I would like to make them now so they don't bother me when there are even more decisions to make after we will have moved in together... And like I said, it might even make sense to keep more than necessary because of boyfriend's job hunt.

@Irulan: I guess that my big problem is that usually, I'm nice and don't like to nag (or being nagged), but I fear that if I don't put my foot down now and make it clear that I expect him to do a certain amount of chores, I'll end up doing the majority and will eventually feel resentful -- so thank you for the wise words. Yes, arguing is much better than feeling resentful! I'm sceptical about a chore chart, but I'll definitely bring this up, maybe it will end up being just the thing that works for us. Also thanks for mentioning utilities, I doubt it is this way in Germany (with roommates, it was never a problem), but it doesn't hurt to find that out for sure.

@Anita: I like that! I also "accidentally" decluttered under the sink while looking for garbage bags the other day. It doesn't take long, and the more is gone now, the less there is to carry later :o) Also, I like the "no nagging" :o)

@Angelo: That's a great idea to start calling things "our"! I'll start doing this... now.

On my to do list for tonight: Making a list of the easy decisions for the "which to keep, mine or yours?" game :o)

Posted 1 year ago #
Rosa
Member

We've done the joint & separate accounts thing for 10 years now, it works really well as long as both people have some source of income - what we do is, we each put half of what we make into the joint account, and keep half. That puts enough in the joint account to pay our bills, and naturally accounts for the fact that we have different income levels. If our expenses/income ratio were higher, we'd put a higher percentage in.

I think, too, that worrying about "will I have any stuff to move out if I have to" isn't very useful - household stuff is pretty easily replaced, if it comes to that.

I would suggest labeling some things - books and CDs, if you really care about them.

p.s. when my mom got remarried, all her husband's furniture was out in the garage for TWO YEARS while they worked all this stuff out.

Posted 1 year ago #
bandicoot
Member

i've got nothing useful to add.
we moved in together when we were young and foolish and we both had almost nothing!
truly, we had so little that there was never any confusion about who had brought what with them.

as for household finances....for eight years we kept things separate.
then we got married and we combined finances.
we work together for our own company, so it is perhaps a bit more clear cut for us.
on the whole though...i am all for everyone keeping a bit of money separate.

trillie, i can tell from here that you have an organised brain!
i think you'll sort this out beautifully, ESPECIALLY given such a leisurely time frame.
as long as you both approach it fairly and sensitively, it should be a breeze.

i do have one suggestion.
how about doing the merge a couple of weeks early?
put everything you are keeping into "your" apartment and put everything you are getting rid of into "his" apartment.
then hold a sale right there in "his" old apartment, with all the stuff in situ, plugged in and working (if relevant).
whatever doesn't sell, then goes to be donated or recycled or dumped.

Posted 1 year ago #
Claycat
Member

That is a great idea, bandicoot! :)

Posted 1 year ago #
beachmum
Member

Such a good topic! My bf has been moving in slowly for about a year:) But he doesn't have much in housewares, that went to the ex, so that's easy. My problem: his dozen guitars and framed concert posters! He's going to fix up a spare room to put his office stuff, where his posters can go, and he'll hang shelves for his thousands of cds. But the guitars... he just has them standing in his bedroom at home, and that will not fit into our 2BR. Anyone out there with guitar storage solutions? i'm guessing the attic and basement are out:)

Posted 1 year ago #
minneapolisite
Member

@Amy, you don't sound old fashioned to me! My husband and I are Catholic, so we didn't "try before you buy" and we're very happy with the results. :) We've been married almost four years and have honestly never argued about finances or chores because we have viewed our household as a true partnership from Day 1. There is something to be said about diving in and partnering with someone completely, rather than inching into a relationship piece-by-piece.

@trillie, it sounds like you're taking the right approach regarding your possessions. Limit your household to a certain number of things: one can opener, one set of silverware, two sets of sheets, four bath towels, etc. Choose the best items, and purge the rest. Much of it can be sold on Craigslist, most of the rest can be donated to St Vincent (or a similar charity). Itemize everything before you donate it so you can deduct the donations from your 2010 taxes.

Keep your finances separate since separation is statistically likely, but consider having a "household account" where each of you contribute equitable shares toward rent, groceries, etc. (You might consider apportioning responsibility based on income, rather than splitting everything 50/50.)

Chores in our house are pretty simple--if one of us sees something that needs attention, we just do it. I have a checklist of things that I like to see happen once a week (scrub toilets, sweep the tile, vacuum the carpet, etc.) We don't go down the checklist item-by-item on a set schedule, but it's nice to have a simple reminder system. I do most of the cooking, so my husband does most of the dishes. He does most of the big repair jobs, so I do most of the routine clean-up. In my marriage, I've found that chores magically get done because we consider "doing chores" just one of the many ways we can express love for each other.

Posted 1 year ago #

12…4 Next »

Reply »

You must log in to post. If you do not already have an account, you can register here.