MIL says I Have OCD!

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Started 1 year ago by ozegal
Latest reply from HelofaMess
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ozegal
Member

I am constantly being told by my DH and MIL (who live in granny flat and shares storage areas ARGH!) that I am OCD.
I am a neat person and a minimalist by nature but they like to pick up stuff off the street that people have discarded for bi-annual council clean up, in case it might come in useful.
Our latest issue has involved DH daughter (my step daughter, 11yo) making a 'fairy house' on the front lawn and being allowed to leave the plasic containers and camp chairs on the lawn for the last few weeks (even though she visits once a fortnight). I have become so tetchy about it, that i have chosen not to go outside if i can help it just so i don't have to see it. I am so embarrassed about what the neighbors must think that we have rubbish on the front lawn. When I asked them to get her to clean it up at the end of the weekend, I was told one of them would do it - but they didn't. The next fortnight I tried politely asking her to pick up her playthings from the front lawn before she goes home to her mommy's house, to which she replied, "i'll use it next weekend and nan said i could leave it there" at which point I had to leave her company before I said anything I would regret and do some vigorous cleaning somewhere else to vent my frustration. On the following weekend I talked to MIL and said "We're going to have to work out a way we can live together without me going crazy, because that mess on the front lawn has to go - its distressing for me to have mess lying around" to which she replied "its not hurting anyone being there - you are just being a b!t*h, don't you want her to be allowed to play on the lawn? If its such a problem for you, why don't you move out!" I don't mind if she plays there with empty yoghurt and egg cartons, but I don't see why it should be there for months and months at a time when she isn't even here...

Does anyone else have problems like this in their home? Am I being OCD? I actually get fidgetty, pannicky and difficulty breathing when i see this kind of mess! I don't have a spotless picture perfect home (far from it, I also have a 3yo and 1yo) but i manage to keep things tidy to a point where I am not overwhelmed or depressed and have taught, am teaching my children to help me by picking up after themselves where appropriate.

Any ideas? I don't think I should have to clean up everyones mess, but I can't stand it - and I'm sure it will only cause arguments (and a messy social life affects me the same way a visually messy house does).

Posted 1 year ago #
irishbell
Member

No, you do not sound like you have an OCD problem, nor should you have to clean up everyone else's messes all the time. It sounds to me like a much deeper problem involving boundaries that need to be discussed and set- first with your DH, then the both of you talking with your MIL and stepdaughter. I wish you luck.

Posted 1 year ago #
ozegal
Member

Thanks - and I agree. When we all moved in together, there was no discussion of boundaries, so a discussion of this might help a lot. I guess I've been puting that off as I am sure it will turn nasty with the MIL and DH won't want to upset her so it will end up me against them :(

Posted 1 year ago #
mugwump
Member

Your MIL is a bully, and she has your DH cowed. You need your own space, and you need to have a presentable front lawn. Could you enlist a local government agency or HOA to file a complaint against clutter? My neighbors would tolerate a mess like that for a while, but they would certainly comment on it. Maybe you could enlist their help. The best behavior is firmness and consistency. Good luck!

Posted 1 year ago #
Claycat
Member

Is there a backyard where your stepdaughter could keep her things? If not, tell her she has to clean up the area before she leaves. She's 11, and she needs to be responsible for her messes. The MIL and the stepdaughter are using this as a control against you.

I hate it that your MIL said you could just move out. Why is she living with you in the first place? Is she an invalid? If her grandkids are that young, she should be fit enough to have her own place. Then, her granddaughter could set up her stuff on grandma's lawn.

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

Clearly MIL has some issues with her darling boy's new wife. I'll bet the old bag is mean to ozegal's kids, too.

It is definitely time to sit down with DH and say "This won't do. This is OUR home and we have the right to set OUR rules."

Good luck!

Posted 1 year ago #
themusiclivez
Member

I don't think you have OCD. I just think that your MIL is a slob! Nobody wants to look at trash on their neighbor's front lawn - it is an eyesore. I totally understand where you are coming from.

Is there anyway you can get HER to move out? I think making her leave is even more important than removing the trash from the front lawn!

Posted 1 year ago #
STLMom
Member

It took me a LONG time to appreciate that my husband doesn't just dislike clutter -- it actually makes him stressed out and anxious. No one in my family is the least bit like that, so it was hard for me to understand. I couldn't understand why a pile of paper that I didn't even notice made him upset.
I don't think it's OCD. I think you and my husband are just more sensitive to your environment than other people.
Since your MIL is calling you a b---h, she doesn't seem ready to see things from your perspective. Try having a discussion with your husband first, and get him to realize that it's not about the mess itself -- it's how you feel about it. Once I understood that my husband is happier and more relaxed in a neat room, I was less likely to let the kids leave their messes out.
Then, how about some compromises? Your stepdaughter may want to mark her territory, so she feels like this is her house, not a place where she is a guest. If she's allowed to leave her messes out at her other house, it will be hard for her to change her habits.
Can the fairy house items be put away in a box so your stepdaughter can put it back up easily when she returns? Maybe if fun, new items get placed in the box while she's gone, that will encourage her to put things away. Or maybe try to replace the plastic with more natural-looking materials that will look less ugly in your yard. I've seen adorable fairy houses made with wood shingles, dried flowers, pinecones, etc.

Posted 1 year ago #
themusiclivez
Member

STLMom - I think that your suggestions are well-thought out and helpful (definitely better than mine, which basically stated to boot the lady out of the house).

Posted 1 year ago #
ozegal
Member

Thanks everyone for your support.

The situation is complicated. Before I met my DH, he accepted a substancial sum from his mother to help buy a house and in return he would provide his parents a home within his home. I think this was foolish, and I would never do this with my parent or anyone elses, but the fact is he made a deal, and now that I am on the scene, I agree it still needs to be honoured in some way. DH and I are currently in discusions about a reasonable time frame (now that I have secured employment after bearing 2 children over 3 years) that we can provide them with accommodation elsewhere, or we ourselves buy a second home that we can live in and let them live here. I haven't mentioned FIL because he is, from what i can see, 'under-the-thumb" but he is also here. I couldn't believe MIL told me to move out either, but I suppose she feels this is HER home since she put money in and so far I haven't...

In MIL defense, she is very loving with the children, but sometimes I think she is competing with me, which is another reason why I don't think she should be exposed to the children everyday and we should have separate homes (not just because her standards of tidiness and cleanliness are different to mine).

Thankyou STLMom for your suggestions - they are very creative and seem to come from a very loving place. I am sometimes concerned that my requirement for tidiness is misconstrued as unloving and controlling, and it would be nice to be able to introduce rules in a more fun way that would help my relationship with stepdaughter, rather than have her think I am the evil-step-mother.

The situation has not been helped by feelings of my own inadequacy in the past few years. Even though my DH has never given reason for this attitude; because he has been the sole provider, I have not felt like an equal in our marriage and as a result have not felt that I am allowed to have an opinion. This is my fault not his, but we have discussed this too, and he has begun making a concerted effort to help change my attitude and make me more involved - and we both agree that my earning money will help disolve this problem of mine.

Once again, thanks for everyone's support.

Posted 1 year ago #
irishbell
Member

ozegal, I'm glad you are finding support here.
I do hate to hear anyone say they feel undervalued, though. I have been a stay at home mom for over 25 years and have always felt that I contributed to the family. You provide a loving, nurturing, and yes-CLEAN-environment for your kids, you feed them, play with them, teach them- these are all important things. I won't start the work or stay at home thing here because it does get some people hot under the collar. Personally I could care less if a mom/dad wants to work while having kids. You are doing an important job taking care of your kids, I cringe when I hear you say you don't think you deserve an opinion. What i'm trying to get at here is you are the major caretaker of the kids and the home environment, surely you should have an opinion about what goes on in your home? I certainly understand the MIL thing, and not feeling like it's your home, but maybe you'll have to try harder to get past that feeling until you and DH find your own home.
On the contrary, I find having a clean home as very loving, you love your kids and family and want them, and you, to live in a clean healthy place.

Posted 1 year ago #
irishbell
Member

p.s. I would have loved a fairy house as a little girl, but you can bet my parents would have made me put it in the backyard!

Posted 1 year ago #
trillie
Member

Phew, ozegal, when I read your post, there were immediately two things that struck me as unfair: First of all, it's really not the point whether you are OCD or not. It's just a way of saying: "You have the problem, not me". Also, I firmly believe that it is not fair for your husband and MIL to team up against you. You and your husband are one team, and in your team, there should be set and agreed boundaries, of course compromises and most of all, understanding for one another, because of that small other thing, what is it called again... oh yeah: Love :oD

Also, I heartily agree with irishbell -- you do deserve an opinion! You are a family, and if it was up to now agreed that your husband's job is to earn money and your job to look after the kids and the home, there is no way you don't get a say. If anything, you actually have a little more overview, experience and opinion on what rules you would like to have in your home, because you are the one who has to enforce them.

There has been tons of great advice here already (yay you forum people!), and I do hope you can get some quiet time sometime soon to have a serious and calm, very business-like discussion with your husband on how you feel, how you do NOT want to feel, possible solutions, and what boundaries you would like to establish (this ranges from how many times the kids see grandma to how long personal stuff is left on your lawn or dinner table). Don't forget to ask him how he feels about all this, too! Maybe he already has some thoughts on this. I think you also need to tell him that you need him to take your side, his wife's, and not his mother's. If it was me, I would decide/discuss/compromise with my husband, and then simply live by the new rules. If anyone asks, simply inform about your new rule, no discussion, no backing down.

I think resolving all this will not be easy, it will be like suddenly setting firm boundaries, smaller candy amounts and earlier bedtimes with a four-year-old who up to now, could get away with anything he wanted ;o)

There is another thread here on boundaries and how to firmly set them: Clutter-y Guests :( If you don't know it yet, I think it will be an encouraging read for you :o)

Best of luck!

Posted 1 year ago #
suzjazz
Member

Even if a child is allowed to play with rubbish on the front lawn, she ought to be expected to put everything away at the end of the play period. Leaving toys or other objects on the lawn indefinitely is not acceptable behavior. MIL and DH are teaching the child to be careless, inconsiderate and slovenly. You have my sympathy. It sounds like MIL is controlling everyone with her money (my ex-MIL and one of my aunts does the same thing) Stick to your guns. You are right and MIL is wrong. Do not let her guilt trip you into thinking you have some kind of disorder when you simply want to teach the child to be a human being.

Posted 1 year ago #
djk
Member

I second what suzjazz said. And also remember that you don't have to ask anyone's permission to do what you want in your own home. Even your husband's. You are an adult. He is an adult. Things that are big issues that affect both of you get discussed together. Removing something unsightly from your lawn is your perogative. Use it. Don't ask anyone if doing something is OK. Just do it.
This may not be your issue at all, but this is something I have had to learn and am still learning. My husbsand doesn't ask my permission to do what he wants, and I am learning to do the same, although growing up in a terribly patriarchal household has made it difficult to learn.
So--your situation as seen through my filter: be tough and uncompromising on the things that really matter to you and let other more minor things go.

Posted 1 year ago #
pkilmain
Member

@djk - my husband has always just told me what he's doing/where he's going, and a few years ago I stopped asking him about doing something I wanted and just started telling him where I was going, etc. He didn't freak or anything, so I guess it was just my issue. I now just do what I want - though I do check our joint calendar to be sure it doesn't conflict with anything we agreed in advance to do together. So freeing....

Posted 1 year ago #
HelofaMess
Member

Having just spent a week with step kids, MIL and FIL I REALLY feel for you. As we live overseas we spend a week or two solid with the kids every 6 weeks. I'm the wicked step mother as I'm VERY big on clearing up your own mess, personal responsibility (ie washing your own plate, putting things away if you used them etc) and the fact that I'm no ones slave. Just because their mother or MIL does all the washing up d@mn doesn't mean I will. The kids are 9 and 12 and both have become used to some of the rules.

This week we had MIL & FIL come stay with us and they were letting the kids get away with murder. If the kids would rather watch TV than straight away do a chore then that was fine as MIL would do it (and she did) because "she would do it properly and the kids wouldn't." I found the whole week REALLY tough and I'm very cross with myself for not turning round and saying "look, this is the rule when they're with me, I understand you are trying to help and I appreciate it but I would rather they did their chores and then you re do it if you feel they really couldn't do it themselves."

As I am so big on certain things (especially table manners) I have found I'm the wicked witch in certain areas. Hubbie supports me but I do wish I didn't have to be the big bad wolf all the time. The problem is, it simply doesn't bother him as much as it does me so I've just accepted it.

You're in a really tough position Ozegal and I feel for you. You've got to set down some ground rules with your MIL, SD and husband. First speak to your husband about this situation and figure out a way to deal with this fairy house and rules with your SD. For example, if you ask her to do something then it gets done. The only person who can override you is husband - NOT MIL.

You then need to speak to SD or wait until an issue like this comes up again. For example if she says "MIL says I can leave it here" then you say, "Then you can go and give it to her but understand me clearly: If I tell you to do something, it gets done." You'll REALLY need your husband to back you up on this!

Finally MIL... You need to tell MIL that you're not going anywhere. Also that common areas (like gardens) need to be treated with common respect. You're an adult in the relationship and having MIL undermine your wishes with SD isn't acceptable. When SD is with you you get a say in how the house is run and the rules and appropriate behaviour acceptable in the house.

PHEW! Sorry to rant but I've had a week of this rubbish and I really feel for you!

Posted 1 year ago #

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