My daughter's in laws are aggravating in that they come laden with excess stuff for them and the one, as yet, grandson. Her house is small and their time to keep things organized is slim to none.
The grandparents brought grandson home from the beach with a carful of excess junk, including two hermit crabs that are destined to an unnatural life and death.
No matter how many times she and her husband try to make it clear that they do not need or want all that stuff, they come laden with more. It is getting to the point of being a source of conflict between them.
The last time, she just threw it all out after they left. What in the world is she to do with all that stuff!
I think that there should be a law against selling those dammed hermit crabs as a pet. Needless to say, they are at my house now. I took grandson home yesterday after a week a my house and found those little critters is a needful state of affairs. So, I brought them home while they are gone this week.
I returned grandson with NO extra things. I told him that anything that he gets while he is with me , has to stay at my house. I go through it, rid the junk and store it neatly. Many things he will forget all about and I just get rid of them. He is still young and he is only here about once a month.
But, her inlaws are a real problem. I just don't understand why they spend their money like that. They do not seem to have a lot of disposable income.
I tell her that she is going to have to make peace with it, somehow. Grandson's room is just full of junk, real junk. He plays with it for a while then forgets about it. Too much!!!!
I tell her not to fight that battle of his room. Just close the door. She is pregnant and a working mom. She has a hellish commute each day and a long work day. She can only extend herself so far. Some things have to not matter. That is one of them. Just close the door!
Any advice for her from the forum?
-
Posted 9 months ago #
-
You didn't say how old your grandson is. If he were 4th grade or oder, the hermit crabs would be a great, low maintenence pet. Otherwise, they might be better off in a classroom somewhere. Unless you bond with them and want them at your place...:-)
I have no useful advice about your daughter's in-laws. Probably just stay out of it. If you are perceived to have conflicts with the other g-parents, family gatherings in years to come may be uncomfortable. Your daughter seems to be ok with tossing the junk.
Posted 9 months ago # -
First off- as was said in another post- homes with young children should be comfy, not pristine. Tell her to not wreck herself over cleaning and tidying constantly. There's no reason for it.
If she doesn't want to breach the "junk" subject with inlaws, then all she can do is throw the crap away when her little guy isn't
looking. Personally, I might be worried about plastic crap and bits of broken pieces of it in his room though. that could be gone through each time more crap gets brought into his room.Posted 9 months ago # -
In my opinion,
-Your son-in-law should be the only one to ever deal with his parents on contentious issues.
-Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're feeling very protective of your daughter and the in-laws are not the real issue. Cheers for Mom love!
-Kids don't like crammed, chaotic rooms. A child's play stuff can be reduced to the most simple pieces and they are happy. Surplus can be kept in a few storage bins for trading in and out.
-In the great scheme of things, your daughter and her husband can set up their home however they like. The simpler it is, the easier it is to maintain. But that is their choice.
-No onslaught of 'gifts' is going to sink a well run ship. And look at the intentions: certainly the in-laws are not trying to hurt anyone. For many, giving stuff is how they express love. Stuff can be given away. Key relationships need care. The more the in-laws are engaged with the whole family, the more they will be sensitive to the needs and see that they can still be valued without excessive gift giving.
I hope your daughter will find ways to make her own choices less chaotic.
Posted 9 months ago # -
Emjayjay- I love what you said!
You are the perfect voice of reason, reading between the lines is not easy to do, but you did it.Posted 9 months ago # -
I think that it is up to your daughter's household (mainly her husband like emjayjay said) to worry about this. You can offer her support to muster up some courage to discuss it with her husband (if they are not a united front on the matter), but I think it would be beneficial to step back and not worry on their behalf. I know your daughter is pregnant, so maybe you could suggest they (her DH) confront the in-laws only after the baby has arrived and been around for a while. Stuff is not the primary concern in my opinion, but your daughter's health, and if she can throw crap out without feeling bad, then good. All you can do for your grandson is to be consistent in your own choices without criticizing his other set of grandparents in front of him.
Posted 9 months ago # -
I have noticed that many times when people buy lot o' things for a child or a grandchild is is out of a misplaced sense of love...they may believe that the only way to make sure that their grandson knows he is loved is by them by buying him "things"...(more things = the most love.) Maybe the child expressed an interest in the toy (or hermit crab) and in that instant it had to be bought to show their love.
They probably mean well. I would just give the excess to a family shelter...(well, maybe not the hermit crabs! ;)
Posted 9 months ago # -
Genny: if you want to help, I would quietly offer to take the excess junk to the charity shop for her. And perhaps offer to come over one day and help your grandson tidy up his room, but you have to be very tactful in offering that. I remember being pregnant with ds2 when ds1 was 2.5 and I was working part-time, I would crawl into bed for a nap with ds1 on my days off, my house was the biggest bombsite ever. But I was also hormonal and may not have appreciated too much interference.
Posted 9 months ago # -
emjayjay....beautifully put!
genny, we can each really only be responsible for our own clutter.
we can't change the world, but we can change ourselves.
i believe that this is something your daughter needs to sort out for herself.Posted 9 months ago # -
genny - you did say "No matter how many times she and her husband try to make it clear that they do not need or want all that stuff" so I take it that your son-in-law has tried to discuss it with his parents to no avail but that he himself is on board with less clutter. If mom and dad are pretty good about not letting their own clutter build up (so it is not a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do scenario), my suggestion would be that they implement a one in-one out rule. I figure if their son is old enough to be given hermit crabs as a gift then he is old enough to learn that. They can use it as an opportunity to teach their son how to make decisions, recycle, donate, etc based on age appropriateness. They may have to clarify some simple rules: trade toys for toys, books for books, etc so that he is not trying to trade a sweater for a plastic figurine. They may also want to give him a day or two to play with the new items (since he seems to lose interest quickly) then remind him it is decision time and ask which items he has decided to get rid of. It's not a quick or easy solution but they may never be able to get the other set of grandparents to see the light so they might as well work on guiding their child toward good habits.
Posted 9 months ago # -
Jean-Paul Sartre's famous quote might well be revised as:
"Hell is other people's stuff."genny: I can only echo your own advice: to make peace with it. As bandicoot says, we can only be responsible for ourselves. Whether it's our daughter's home or our BIL's, the way they run their household is up to them, no matter how much we know better. ;)
Here's an article I like from Small Notebook on the subject of other people's stuff:
http://smallnotebook.org/2011/06/03/what-to-do-about-other-peoples-stuff/
Posted 9 months ago # -
If Genny's daughter (GD) and son-in-law (SIL) receive junk, they may cheerfully throw it away or recycle it.
If their son receives junk from his grandparents, GD and SIL may throw it away or recycle it, but not quite so cheerfully. They have to explain to their son that what he perceives as wonderful gifts from his wonderful grandparents are in fact junk that must be thrown away. Such an explanation may be inconsistent with lessons such as appreciating gifts, taking care of things, etc.
GD and SIL are in a bind: keep the stuff and have a cluttered house OR throw the stuff away and teach the lessons that gifts are not to be appreciated and that things need not be treated with care.
SIL should explain to his parents that GD's and SIL's home is small and that, while the gifts are appreciated, there is simply no room for them. He should suggest that his parents keep the gifts at their house.
Posted 9 months ago # -
My son's grandparents LOVE to buy him things. His grandma sent him home with a giant bag this summer - she took him to the dollar store and let him choose anything he wanted.
Our rule is, it has to fit in his toy box. Some special things (legos, trading cards, outdoor balls & sports equipment, pet supplies) have other places they belong, but general toys go in the toy box, and if it won't close, some have to go. now that he's 6, he gets to choose which ones; when he was younger I just purged it regularly.
Little kids don't remember things very well, so it's not that hard to purge their stuff if they don't see you do it; and after years of regular purges (we have a pre-birthday and pre-Christmas purge, as well as the "any time the lid won't close" rule) he sometimes spontaneously donates things, and chooses pretty painlessly when I make him.
Posted 9 months ago # -
My daughter married her husband and his little boy. She went from being a free wheeling single urban woman living downtown to married with a small child and living in the far out suburbs. It was not a graceful transition. The three of them are learning how to be a family. The child had been living with his grandparents. So, all three of them were new to this situation. There was little bonding and there was no shared history or experiences between the three of them. Don't ask why my daughter makes these kinds of decisions. I don't know. It was a really rough start to a marriage.
She came with too much baggage, and he was already in the townhouse with all of his stuff that he had inherited from anyone in his family who had anything to get rid of.
Between the three of them, they have a lot of excess stuff. The townhouse is small and has almost no storage space. There is a lot of disorganization, chaos and clutter.She has a career and a hell of a commute. Her workday is long and she is pregnant.
I had been going to her house to clean for them once a week, but I cannot get rid of their things for them. And, I certainly would not touch his stuff or step on his toes in any way.
I told them that I am prepared to "go all Niecy Nash" on them. I have been there a few times and loaded up my pick up truck to overflowing with excess stuff to get rid of.
She keeps viewing it as his house. I tell her that it is as much her house now and she should make whatever changes she wants. He in almost totally indecisive and non commital when it comes to getting things done. His family is notoriously famous for their comment of "Well, I don't know". They say that about everything. So, nothing gets addressed. Nothing gets decided on and nothing gets done with them. So, I tell her just to tell him what she is going to do. Don't ask because everything gets put into limbo as per his family. That tactic is working pretty well for her. Slowly , she is making it into a home for them, and he is coming along. He appreciates her initiative after it is done with and will even help.
The child's room is chock full of junk. We are not talking about nice toys here. We are talking about junk. Little bits and pieces of junk. He goes through interests very quickly. He is a bright, but scattered and nonfocused eight year old. He has been a handful of confusion trying to figure our just WHO he belongs to. I have tried to embrace this child with love. He and I have become pretty close. He loves to come to my house and he cries when he has to go home. I try to offer him as much enrichment for his life as I have to give. But, I put a limit on junk. And, any of it has to stay at my house. So, when he comes, he finds his box of stuff and he enjoys it.
He is a first class whiner and he will whine and get pretty ugly if he does not get what he wants. As an adult in his life, I will not give in to his whining. We are working on patience, manners, behavoir and focus. His grandparents give in to his whining and buy him everything he whines about.
My daughter is just too stretched out in her life right now and is very stressed. I really worry about how she will find the time to raise this baby. She needs a housewife. That is what she needs. That is what a lot of working women need is a housewife at home to keep the home fires burning. So, I try to offer her what ever help I can by cleaning and keeping the child for some extended times so that she and her husband can have some peaceful time together and to help this child feel a part of this family, which he seems to. She lives just over an hour away, so it is not as if I can just pop over there.
What they need is a serious decluttering and purging. I can only advise her and help with the child and the cleaning. I cannot decide what to get rid of for them. How much better and more efficient the house could be if they embraced the concept of decluttering in their house and in their lives. They need to streamline the chores so as to have more peace and more time to enjoy life.
This child is not responsible enough to keep up with anything, especially anything living.
There should be a law against selling these pitiful little creatures as pets. They have no hope for life. If I knew someone who was going to the beach, I would give them to them to let them loose.Posted 9 months ago # -
Genny: I've been saying for years that I need a wife! LOL. However, it sounds like you're the one who's uncomfortable with the way things stand, more so than your dd. She made the decision to marry this man, live in his existing townhouse, even though it meant a long commute for her, to become pregnant, and to take on the rearing of his son. She's a grown woman and if she's that stressed in the situation, then she needs to reassess and change some things. You can't do that for her. The most you can do is listen to her if she needs to vent, and tell them that you can't clean for them if there is too much clutter (ie, it's too difficult to clean when so much is in the house). With luck, your dd and her husband will make some choices to improve their lives (sell the townhouse and buy a home that's "theirs," possibly closer to her job, or she may change jobs after having her baby when she realizes how much time she'll miss with him/her while commuting, etc.).
I know you worry about and love your daughter, but she's chosen this lifestyle (for now). Try to be supportive without suggesting solutions (I know how hard that is, but we have to do it sometimes).Posted 9 months ago # -
I -- think I'm going to have to step away from this thread; the continual references to "the child" remind me too much of my MIL's reaction to my son, and her now-infamous remark about wanting "a real grandchild". Good luck with it all.
Posted 9 months ago # -
Lucy: How sad that your MIL felt that way! Just awful, and I'm sorry to hear it.
Posted 9 months ago # -
My sister and I became stepchildren when our mother remarried, and we were very much aware from an early age how differently our stepgrandma treated us compared to her "real" grandchildren.
Posted 9 months ago # -
OMG, lucy, I'm appalled!! I inherited a granddaughter (my husband's daughter's child, now 6) when I married my husband, and I couldn't feel any closer to her if she were my own daughter's! People with that attitude toward children really make me sick.
Posted 9 months ago # -
What is the reasoning behind making a child feel less than.
Why would anyone want to make a child NOT feel like family.
There must be something very "off" with these people.
I'm sure a psychologist would figure it out in a second,
But in my mind there's no excuse. The more people a child has to love them, well isn't that just wonderful?Posted 9 months ago #
Reply »
You must log in to post. If you do not already have an account, you can register here.
