Hello from the child of a hoarder!

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Hello from the child of a hoarder!

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Started 2 years ago by theatrechick
Latest reply from Sophie
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theatrechick
Member

Hello Unclutterers!

I am the daughter of a woman who hoards, and I have been reading this site for about 6 months. I am trying to avoid the problems my mother has suffered from for years. I live at home right now, but have saved enough money that I am moving out sometime this year. Right now, I am focusing on my own stuff, trying to declutter with an eye towards moving into a much smaller apartment. I am trying to stop the weird mental stuff I am sure I have gotten from my mother- to stop viewing purchases as "investments", to stop buying things I will need in the future (when I move out) that I do not need now, and to stop thinking I can save her- instead, I need to think about me and escape. My biggest troubles right now are getting rid of those things I want to define me- for instance, I want to be someone who is crafty, even though I haven't done my projects in years, and getting rid of things I have emotional attachments to- such as old school notes, birthday cards, and that type of stuff. Can't wait to dive into the discussions!

Posted 2 years ago #
Claycat
Member

What a challenge for you, theatrechick! I will tell you that even though the tendency can be inherited, you are not cursed to have a hoarding lifestyle. I have a very dear friend who has a very neat and uncluttered life, and her mother is a hoarder. To me, just the fact that you are aware this is a problem makes it not a problem for you. Often, hoarders don't seem to understand they have a problem, or they are unwilling to admit they do. Just your openness about this is a very healthy sign to me.

I am an artsy/crafty person myself. I have learned to keep my supplies down to the level of what things I'm truly going to need and no more. Look at it like that, and get rid of the things you probably won't use. Also, if you haven't used something in a certain length of time, you could get rid of it, too.

As for the paper memorabilia, this is my worst problem! I am going to go through things and pick one or two that are representative of a friend or relative. Then I'm going to cull all but the most important close family items. We just can't keep it all forever. Take the dearest things and use your art ability to create something pretty and lasting to showcase them.

Posted 2 years ago #
terriok
Member

Hi, Theatrechick!

I know where you are coming from too!

I hoard and I love it! Sssshhhh. But I have finally decided to purge AND get organized. So I just plan on taming my stuff.

If you are committed, you will do it. Don't even worry about it. Just "Keep on Truckin' ".

As for your Mom, get her to sit down and watch "Hoarders". It worked for me and it might let her see that there are other people with similar and worse problems. There are not TOO many people worse than that lady with the expired food, for example. She has to be on the very extreme end.

That might help and it is worth trying. When I get in a lull, I watch it some more. Your Mom is likely viewing her stuff in a similar manner. If and when she is in the mood- just help her out. Let her know that eventually a little work every day will go a long way.

Also, take photos of beloved junk! I had an old suitcase that had travelled with me all over Mexico. I spent years living out of that "buddy". It developed a little rust inside, it is rather large and I wanted to get rid of it and I did not. I could no longer use it. I finally just took a photo. That made tossing it much easier.

I, for one, am a perfectionist. I have to do things near perfectly or I do not want to do them at all. While teaching I was extremely organized (at work). I have filed for years and that sure helped. But I am going to try to transfer those skills which I already have to my home.

You might want to think in terms of the size of things too. I learned that from travelling. To keep birthday cards etc. for me is not a problem. All of them, decades worth, have fit nicely into two file boxes. I did get rid of the envelopes which certainly helped.

Recently I merely threw out a few turtlenecks that had shrunk and suddenly I could move my hangers in the closet! Liberating feeling.

You might enjoy the forum on "Addicted to Decluttering" or something similar. It can be fun.

As for the craft supplies- been there, done that. If you want to keep some, do it for yourself. I recently bought a 7 drawer Sterlite rolling plastic organizer and it is terrific. It was under $35 and I read about it on this website. Now I can eat on my kitchen table! I'd like to get about 6 of them! LOL. But I do not need quite that many.

Also you can sell what you do not want on Ebay. I do it. :o)

Good luck! I love the idea of creating something with/about your cool stuff!

Posted 2 years ago #
chacha1
Member

Good luck in your new life!

Re: recovering the crafty you ... I accumulated a wide range of craft/art materials for years and finally was prompted to winnow it down to the things I actually used when my sister (then a middle-school art teacher in a poor district) mentioned that her *annual* supply budget was $300. For five classes a day.

I had long known which art form was really "me." So I sorted out several big boxes for my sister of all the OTHER stuff ... I knew it would be used and appreciated.

Now I have a rule that I can only shop for new materials when 1) I have completely run out of something and 2) I need it to continue with current projects and 3) I have completed a project very recently.

At present I am getting back to making jewelry and using up my backlog of treasures is a priority. I have a certain design I want to return to, but it requires supplies that I don't have. Since I have *other* designs I can complete with the supplies on hand, the other design will have to wait.

Posted 2 years ago #
bandicoot
Member

theatrechick, you don't sound very old?
i only wish i was as self-aware of hoarding tendencies and inherited ideas about "stuff" when i moved from home.
t would have saved me a lot of money and a lot of time.
just because you are so conscious of the issue, i think you'll do just fine out there.

right now i am tripping through se asia for a few weeks.
with my new unclutterer eyes i have noted that extreme poverty and hoarding often go hand in hand.
i've peeked into some shophouses in bangkok that are simply crammed with junk and bits of paper ....in these tiny tiny rooms! and it has
1. made me sad for the people who live there
2. made me even more determined to even more ruthlessly cull my own stuff when i get home.

Posted 2 years ago #
Claycat
Member

That is so interesting and so sad, bandicoot!

Posted 2 years ago #
AJ
Member

theatrechick, you are not your genes and you are not your mother. But you are making that first move away from a possible future of hoarding. Good for you!

If you want to be the kind of person who does crafts, then you have to do crafts. You cannot define yourself as craft person by possessing craft materials. As your life journey continues, you may find you are a person who does crafts, or a person who writes, or a person who plays the piano. You are still finding out who you are, please don't let what you own define you.

Good luck with the decluttering, organising and moving.

Posted 2 years ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

theatrechick - I 2nd what AJ has said - you are NOT your stuff!

I'm into craft (and have to hold myself back from acquiring the stuff to dabble in yet another craft) so I have a lot of craft stuff. However, my stash is not what defines me - if all my stash was lost in a fire or flood, I would still be crafty, just as I'm a sax player because it's something I do, not something I own (after all, I own a ukulele but I don't call myself a ukulele player). I'm also an engineer and student book-keeper... all these activities are as a result of things I'm already "into" (craft, music, numbers), they're just the outlets.

I used to want to see myself as a having a particular style (elegant jewellery, books with matching covers on the shelf in the library...) but I have since realised that that really isn't me. I ditched the pseudo-upper class books years ago and I'm sending the faux-pearls to another family member because I've realised that even if I had somewhere to wear them, I still wouldn't as (a) I forget that I have them because I don't wear them and (b) I lean towards another jewellery style.

You're on the right track with holding yourself back from buying stuff that you don't need now but may or even will need when you move out of home. When you move out of home, have a house-warming party specifying that anyone giving you a gift should only get you certain items. This will reduce how much stuff you have to actively buy (kinder to your wallet) and reduce the amount of unwanted stuff you will get from friends. You'll also have a better idea of just how much room you can actually afford and therefore how much stuff you can comfortably fit in your new abode.

All the best with it.

Posted 2 years ago #
badkitti
Member

Good luck theatrechick! Just think how much easier it'll be to move with less stuff (and if she's anything like mine, don't let her grab what you want rid of!). In a new space you can be as arty as you like - meanwhile think of a creative thing to do with the bits you like but don't want to keep - like a photo scrap book of your childhood room to mark the transition.

I recently went through my old card collection - I kept one card from each friend or fsmily member that I needed to and recycled the rest.

Posted 2 years ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

badkitti - I'm starting to scan birthday / Christmas / anniversary / assorted cards starting with the most recent birthday (a month ago). I like the idea of keeping just one from each giver but I'm not sure I'm there yet, particularly those from my husband. :-)

Posted 2 years ago #
Tabby
Member

Good on you Theatrechick. You sound a bit like I did when younger. I too am the child of a hoarder and was determined not to go down that road. And believe me you don't have too, although it's not always easy.

When I was still at home I used to take great pride in tidying my room and making it the one tidy space in the house, then I used to try to get into the family areas and kitchen and de-clutter them. Needless to say it was an uphill battle because 20 odd years later I'm still trying to get my parents to declutter whenever I visit. I've discovered it can be easiest to ignore most of it, and to set/help with one small task each time I visit!

I also chose to focus on my own home, and now I even get to help others as part of my job! I admit though I'm by no means perfect. I have lots of downfalls like paper and too much stuff, especially now I have a young baby in the house! It's a constant process keeping on top of it! Good luck :)

Posted 2 years ago #
Sophie
Member

My parents are terrible hoarders. Well my dad has just been staying with us, and he has told me that they had a flood in the garage and a couple of boxes of stuff got water logged and ruined. Turns out it was my sister's old horse riding gear (she left home 8 years ago). He wasn't he bothered by it and thinks it was worthless. Maybe so, but I suspect my sis may be a bit upset to learn it was her stuff that got ruined! This is a good example of why we shouldn't store family stuff and instead we need to let others be responsible for their own clutter ;)

Posted 2 years ago #

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