Hello to Everyone,
While I am a newbie here, I have been decluttering for a while! Now I am coping with my Mother's death (3 months ago)and trying to make sense of what to keep, what to give away and how to make sense of my Mom's passing. She saved pretty much everything and had grown up during the Depression years in great poverty in the Mid-West.When my Dad started to make good money, my Mom eventually turned into a hoarder. It is so sad because she was surrounded by beautiful and unsual art objects and had good taste, but she did not organize her possessions and so her house was perpepetually full of boxes and unfinished projects. She even wanted us children to hoard ie she got angry if I threw out anything, even if it was mine!Many painful memories! Has anyone here been there? Thanks Cathy11
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Posted 1 year ago #
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Oh, yup, been there and still there. I'm just finishing clearing my Grandmother's estate, and I did my mother's a decade ago. My mother was a pack rat; Gram was a borderline hoarder, with the Depression problem thrown in. In spite of the huge amounts of junk to deal with at Gram's, I think it was actually worse sorting my mother's things, even though she had far less than Gram did. Gram's taste ran to dollar store resin knickknacks and bins of "just in case" things like twist ties and rubber bands. Mom shopped art and craft shows. It's a lot harder to let go of a stack of beautiful, handcrafted pottery pieces than it is to dump a hundred crummy resin doodads or recycle a ton of plastic.
Gram would get mad when we tossed anything, too. "It's useful/valuable/cost good money/might be needed some day!" Hundreds of things that we had put in the family yard sales Mom and Gram used to have when Sis and I were in high school were still in her house! I found the sweater I had senior pics taken in, for heavens sake.
I think she got maddest about the wedding dresses, though. Both my sister and I got rid of our wedding dresses. This gave Gram fits. Neither Sis nor I could see a reason to hold on to them. It's not likely anyone was going to want to wear them in the family. (I have no kids; Sis has one son.) Gram insisted that we HAD to keep them. As what? Not going to wear it, not going to display it, not Catholic, so not going to make christening dresses for non-existent kids out of it. Well, she certainly kept hers. I dug it out of the pile of junk in the attic when we cleared her house. It's sitting next to me in a bin as I type. I was going to iron it and take a picture of it, but then I found 1937 pics of her actually in it on her wedding day, so out it goes. (Why would I want a boring pic of it on a hanger when I have a real one with her in it?) So she's hung onto it for 73 years, for me to put a note on it saying it's vintage from 1937, and drop it in the Salvation Army bin.My mantras during sorting -
I will not forget her just because I don't still have all her stuff.
I haven't owned it for the first 39 years of my life, so I can't miss it for the next 39.
My sister has been right there with me through the whole thing. She's much more of a minimalist than I am, so I'm pretty sure her mantra during the sort at Gram's was -
Get rid of this crap!
Good luck with your sorting, Cathy.Posted 1 year ago # -
yes i have been there. and when i just stood there and looked around, i realized i wanted NOTHING. (but then i don't have kids) I sorted useless everyday items from items with memories attached, with a few items in the too nice to give away pile. (funny everything anyone had GIVEN her in the last 20 years was useless) I donated all the everyday items, let my family and friends take what they wanted of the rest. I still have 2 small boxes of things that were my mothers and my grandmothers..tea cups, desert dishes etc..that i am slowly giving away a piece at a time.
when i broke up my grandmothers stuff which was easier..she owned less. i thought i'd keep some of her ceramic birds...well my cats have slowly broken all those items.
seriously i no longer need THINGS to remind me of those women,
and i intend to keep divesting until i die so no one has to dispose of my crap.Posted 1 year ago # -
Been there still there too. Sorry about your loss.
More incentive to declutter so as not to burden people with having to clean up after me.
Re your mom getting angry at you, I remember being pressured to clean my room so I did, throwing away things I no longer wanted and feeling pretty good about myself and decluttering. Lo and behold, without saying anything to me, my trash was gone through and put back in my room in a box. I gave the whole box back and said "I don't want these; if you want them you can put them in your room."
Posted 1 year ago # -
We are going to face one heck of a battle if/when we have to move my mother in law out of her house. Her husband isn't going to be too bad I don't think, but she saves every bit of foil, every bit of unused "fancy" china...every tacky souvenier from every trip... She keeps saying she didn't have much when she was young (an understatement, by the way) so she likes to have it now, but I didn't have much when I was young and it just taught me what I could easily live without! I'm not so sure that in *some* cases the "but I was poor" excuse is just that... an excuse. Sometimes the desire to be surrounded by stuff is a personality thing, and not necessarily driven by a desire to be frugal, or to prepare for a rainy day. All that junk just makes them feel better and more secure.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Definitely have been there! My mother passed a year ago this week. Its been a trying year trying to sort out my feelings around her, her stuff, the treatment of me with regards to her stuff, etc. I have spent the majority of my life trying to differentiate from her in my own individuality, yet being her primary and only caregiver for so many years made that a very difficult thing to do. She hoarded, and it got really bad - the apartment caught on fire and a lot of her stuff was damaged due to the fire and mold issues prior to that. When I moved her to assisted living, the majority of the stuff was damaged and I was forced to get rid of a lot of things. I made sure that all photos were rescued regardless of condition, but I will say that move, was a huge point of contention and source of ill feelings for the two of us until she died.
When it came time to sort through her belongings at the assisted living center, I knew that I wanted only a few things that gave me the most precious and good memories. Not the arguments or bad feelings. So I selected a few items that I knew I wanted. I sorted through the pictures and kept some from my lifetime, and those of her lifetime before me, I gave to her brother and sister. Then I let the remainder of the family take what they wanted. I did not get involved in who got what, or why - just set a date and gave them all a deadline. Everything else either got trashed/recycled (she continued to hoard at the assisted living center - about 100 Altoid tins got recycled) or donated to charity.
Bottom line, I think I am trending towards minimalism because of my horrible experience dealing with a hoarding (and depressed) mother. I have never been one to attach meaning to an object, and I know that my best memories of her are through the times we spent together and experiences we shared, not the objects we had in our lives. Those good memories are the ones I cherish, and like EraserGirl said, its not the things that remind me - I use the photos to remind me if I need to - or the wonderful memories that come up around important holidays and dates. I cherish those.
Do try to surround yourself with a support system while you go through this process: a church, a therapist, your best friend, your journal, whatever works for you. You will go through phases of many emotions during this time. Its easiest to deal with the things, its harder to then deal with the emotions that remain once the things are gone. They are so mixed, especially if there were times you were dealing with less than perfect parent-child relationship. Take your time, and allow yourself the permission to work through at your own pace. Remember to take care of yourself too.
You are certainly not alone in this :)
Posted 1 year ago # -
What perfect timing, I to am going through my mother's things as she has been moved into assisted living. She had a fire in the microwave and we noticed that a lamp had burned into a sofa chair so there was some definite danger. Since it is my brother's condo he has decided to move back to Canada and live in it. As you all know there is so much junk. I was not there but when he moved my mom's king size bed there was crystalized poo and vomit from the dog; along with empty boxes and stakes of newspapers.
It has been easy for us to let go as we are not fond of our mother. However we have been supporting her for the last ten years and thought that there may be some extra money if we sold some of her things, what we found out is everything is not worth much. Who buys silver? My friend says she went to a consignment store and saw a silver tea set for $50.00 less the commission you would end up with under $30.00. Still we are thinking of putting her china and silver on ebay.
I have just moved as well and I am taking a break. Sometimes it feels like I am just moving stuff around, however the piles are getting smaller.
I have taken off time at work to get settled, the painters come this week and then I can put up my media center from ikea as well as a kitchen island.
This all didn't happen over night so I know it takes time. I have started to stop newsletters and delete old emails. I have a compulsion that when ever I feel a shift in myself I have to go through everything to see if it sits with my current values, if it doesn't it goes. It would certainly be easier once I cull more books and files. I used to go to my library to research now I go on line.
I want to finish it so that I can just enjoy my free time not having to use it to sort out useless things. At least at this forum being a newbie as well I do not feel alone. Back to sorting.Posted 1 year ago # -
My first marriage was abusive. I left with my son, his bear and blanket, and the clothes on my back. (Hugs are not required: it was a long time ago, and we are both safe and happy now.)
One of the things I carried away in my head was this: you can always get more stuff. Don't let the fear of giving up something important bind you -- it happens to people all the time. They get through. So will you.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I love this forum. You guys are great. I'm really struggling with my family's stuff right now - my own stuff, not a relative's - but reading your experiences is really helping.
I'm quite lucky - my mum is a bit of a junk collector though not quite a hoarder, and a few years ago had to help clear out a neighbors house. She has since been determined that nobody should have to do that for her, and has progressively been uncluttering. She'd totally understand if my sister and I take the photographs and one or two items and call a charity to take their pick of everything else.
Mother-in-law might be more difficult; her whole house is full of objects. She's a real collector - keeps it all nice, but I wouldn't want any of it. One or two objects as keepsakes, the rest has her memories attached to it, not mine. I just hope my husband will see it the same way when the time comes.
But for now I'm trying not to drown in the never ending task of my own....
Thanks Lucy. Heck. I'm not broke. I can always buy another one!
Posted 1 year ago # -
To each of you...you are not alone...I am still sorting through my parents' things...take care of yourselves, and have a support system.
I have found new energy and hope since joining this forum. Downsizing the clutter has been worth the effort....
Posted 1 year ago # -
thank you all for sharing your stories.
i am endlessly fascinated with stories of our relationship to stuff....and how those relationships change over time and over generations.
it all gives me more insight into my stuff and my own relationship/s with it.
it's a long strange trip, is it not?Posted 1 year ago # -
I'm with bandicoot! I'm enjoying your stories, too!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Cathy11, I am sorry for the loss of your mother!
Posted 1 year ago # -
It's really touching to read all your stories, it always makes me think that we are from all over the world, but everywhere, it all boils down to the same things -- you come to this world without possessions, you leave without, and sometimes I think the only thing that you can really "possess" in some way are experiences, memories and feelings... :o)
My parents used to keep a lot of stuff for "Justin Case", I don't think it would qualify as hoarding though, more like "too lazy to make a decision about all this stuff that accumulated over the years". After my father passed away in April, my mother was left with confusing paper documents, and along with the usual post-funeral paperwork, it took her about two months to figure out how her financial situation was, my Dad had been 'responsible' for money stuff, and understandably didn't do or file anything properly during his last two years while he was sick. So now, suddenly my Mom is channelling her grief and all her energy into decluttering and organizing her life. She is going through the entire house and every little corner ruthlessly, comes up with new systems of sorting and organizing, and counts the carloads of stuff she dumps of at the recycling center or donates at the second hand store. :o)
Posted 1 year ago # -
Our family also had to deal with a "depression era" mother (& Mother in Law) who kept everything. 13 worn out wallets in her vanity. Purses from 1947. 30 cheap glass vases from the florist. Broken microwaves, broken showerheads (a box full) broken scissors (nailed up in a row on a cabinet in the garage...just in case you need to dig out a weed). Stuffed animals from her four children (ages 58 - 45). It was really sad to go through. The broken stuff was the hardest, because you could hear her say, "Maybe it will be good for parts". On top of that, we found that she had had a major psychological trauma somewhere around 1975. That's the last year there was a new book in the house. Strange. And then I see myself keeping things from my late brother and my late inlaws because I feel guilty.
It is so hard to let go, but also so important to.
Good luck all!!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Hello dear friends from all over the world,
I am touched by this outpouring of sympathy! Yes and I am searching for support groups, it will take time.Actually I like the idea of an inventory even if it means a bit of work because then, on paper, i will be able to see, for example, 5 Oriental cushions, 3 blankets, one pewter cup,etc,etc.In terms of deciding what amount of stuff can be kept and what items might be sold, I think a list could be helpful, has anyone done this? Also a list will help me see how many items are books and papers that can be purged and condensed.Esp pictures - instead of keeping ALL pictures a selction can be made. However i like keeping real paper and real old family pictures (no digital files for me9. Anyway would appreciate feedback on getting a handle on family possessions of which many are in boxes. Thanks so much....Cathy11
Posted 1 year ago # -
My gram had a whole closet full of albums, which she constantly rearranged in no discernible order that I could understand. Pics of my mom with her dolls from 1945 next to 1985 pics of my grandfather digging in the garden; just a rambling jumble of mixed up people, places, dates. (I don't remember them being this crazy when I was younger, so maybe part of her deepening dementia.) I sorted out obvious ones to toss - pics of pets or places visited on vacation that had no people in them, those with no names, no dates and no one I recognized. The rest I sorted by year if they were dated, or era according to the type of pics - black and white, shape of pic, etc. I scanned in groups for average pics, scanned individually for really good shots, and tossed everything but a few really fun things. The earlier the year, the more likely I was to save most of the pics. But the closer I get to the 30's, the more expensive the film was, and the fewer pics there are in the first place. I still remember the 80's; I don't need physical copies of the pics. I also have several stacks to send to other relatives, who can do what they want with the flashback photos of their family members.
I'm going to end up with one large album of the best pics from her 92 years, arranged chronologically, and a handful of big studio shots to store in a photo box or display in frames.
I think I've probably got over 40 hours worth of scanning in so far, with a couple of hours left to go, so be forewarned that this is a very long process, best done is small amounts.I think a list when we emptied the house would have just bogged me down even further. I'd have spent all my time writing, not enough time doing the actual sorting. Perhaps easier to first sort into "might keep", "toss", "donate" and "sell" piles. Get rid of the OUT piles, then make the list of things you think you want as you temporarily store them. Then you can consider the list without having the items in front of you, which makes it easier to be logical and more detached.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Yowsa.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Check out lucy1965's link to the site. lol....heeheehee...
Posted 1 year ago #
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