camellia tree, narcissistic is exactly how I describe my MIL! It's hard when it's your own mother though. I love my mum but living 11,000 miles away definitely makes the relationship easier, she has a lot of emotional baggage so I generally feel happier when I don't see her very often. Having my own kids helps me to see her side more when she's driving me crazy! I know she loves me and my siblings, she was as good a mother as she was able to be given her mental health problems, and she has a lot of good qualities. And I'm not the easiest person to have as a daughter either, too independent! So I guess trying to understand where the other person is coming from and setting firm boundaries on how they behave towards you is one answer. Dealing with families is always difficult though...
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Posted 1 year ago #
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i moved away from my family....to another country!
and after ten years they all moved here too!
now they all live within ten minutes of me.
fortunately, it's not too dire.i have decluttered a few people in my time.
some i simply stopped contacting and that was it. no more contact. then i realised i was the one who had been putting all the effort in. so that was pretty simple.
a couple of them i have had to break off with by having a huge final blazing show-down no-holds-barred row. awesomely final.
one or two i have had to detach gently because they were simply too clingy and needy...like carefully lifting an octopus's suckers off me one at a time, while it slaps down another tentacle somewhere else.
in my youth i threw myself enthusiastically into friendships, because how else are you ever going to know if you like the person?
you cannot just guess from a distance.
then after a while, up close.....they mightn't be quite what you require/need/expect/want at that time of your life....they mightn't be a goof it....so you have to then do this extrication dance, which can take a few forms.
i am always keen to explore friendships with people, but if they aren't my cup of tea upon closer inspection, i am just as ready to move them on to places and people where they may be better appreciated. and where they aren't taking my time away from the people i truly want to spend time with.
i don't feel obliged to hang onto friends out of sentimentality or old time's sake or anything beyond: are we relating right now?
i have a really big handful of wonderful friends, some are old and some are new. i delight in spending time with all of them.Posted 1 year ago # -
I used to be angry about the "family" member I was closer to than a sister, and the so-called "friends," all of whom treated me like crap (lied to me, lied about me, and accused me of things that were not true) before they dumped me for no reason when I needed friends the most.
Now, however, I thank God/the Universe for many things: (1) that those persons removed themselves from my life by their actions (I don't need people who do that to me); (2) it freed me of any and all obligations to such "soul-suckers" and instead made room for other "givers" in my life; (3) made me realize that I deserve to be treated as well as I have tried to treat others.
I'm also thankful for my own self-sufficiency and independence, and wiser now about the false-friend "red flags" and am less trusting/more protective about not letting such persons into my life at all anymore. Yeah, I might be shutting out the good people too, but better that than risking being hurt again.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Patch - I sometimes wonder if I shut out the good people too. But I have made a few really good friends recently who have managed to break through the filter I have put up. They did this just by being the great people that they are. So the good ones WILL still come into your life.
I used to trust people way too easily and got burned time and time again. I became jaded and trusted no one for awhile. Stepping back for awhile gave me a new perspective, and now I can better tell who is trustworthy.
Posted 1 year ago # -
It can be such a balance between keeping an open, kind heart and at the same time keeping firm boundaries for the people who are in our lives. I am still learning that one--and am in a position where at this stage I am blessed with many dear friends and am loath to allow people in my life just because they want to be there. I also have to want them to be there! Let people in slowly, as you learn their character and personalities.
Just like shopping, it is easier NOT to buy than to declutter later.my mother used to say it is better to be single wishing you were married, than married wishing you were single. Perhaps that applies with friends too.
Posted 1 year ago # -
djk - I loved the line about "it is easier not to buy than to declutter later". SO TRUE. It's easier to slowly let people into your life than to have to try to end the friendship later!
Posted 1 year ago # -
My policy is: I don't care about anyone's nationality, ethnicity, religion, politics, or gender. I care about how they behave.
If a person is a good worker, good neighbor, good citizen - all of which are things you can learn about someone pretty fast - I don't mind being in their orbit.
If however they are mean, selfish, or destructive, I don't have time.
fwiw, I've found myself the initiator in maintaining most of our friendships. Sometimes this annoys me - I am no less busy than they are - but most of the time I just accept that I am more organized than they are!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Thank you so much everyone. All of your replies have helped me more than you realize.
Posted 1 year ago # -
chacha1 - I love the "I care how they behave" line. SO. TRUE. I don't care about anything else, but rather the type of person they are.
RJ - I am glad this thread has helped! It has given me a lot to think about :o)
Posted 1 year ago #
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