Decluttering feelings

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Started 1 year ago by ninakk
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ninakk
Member

I just read the Real Simple book review that Erin wrote and scanned through all the comments too. I was appalled.

I have a tendency to be a bit negative at times, but am very aware of it and have worked hard the past decade to think in more positive ways, more and more often. Now I notice that my patience is almost gone regarding people, who think it is their birth right to criticize ruthlessly, most of the time simply pointing out what is missing or wrong without ever offering a way to solve a particular problem at hand. I just don't want to deal with dealing with them anymore and am very tired of adjusting myself somehow in order for me to not become affected by that negativity.

I guess there is a question in here somewhere and it has something to do with how to declutter this type of people from one's life. Are you surrounded by negativity? How do you deal with it if so? I just don't get why it seems so difficult for some to filter a little bit more what comes out of their mouth, but I guess this is a universal thing that will never change and so it becomes my responsibility to learn to think differently, not get affected by it.

I'm really sorry on Erin's behalf that she had to close the comments on that article.

Posted 1 year ago #
Jacquie
Member

Well.... Playing Devil's advocate.....

She didn't *have to*, she decided to. And I've seen her choices of things in the past that have taken far more negative flack than this book. I was actually surprised that she closed the comments because I didn't think that people said anything very awful, just didn't agree with her about the usefulness and originality of the contents. Mostly they were just pointing out that the ideas in the book are/have been available on the Real Simple web-site already, and that a lot of the ideas presented as new are already well known. Not negative so much as true.

It may well be a useful book, with all the ideas together in one place, but even Erin said that she would be far more interested in it in electronic format, and that it's bigger than it needs to be with lots of white space. But it must defeat the point of encouraging comments if we are only allowed to say positive things. That's known as censorship.

Surely that most of the comments give negative feedback is saying something about the book, rather than that the writers themselves have a negative outlook. Seemed there was one long post that really wound everything up; it was a little pompous maybe, certainly not nasty, and it's not compulsory to read the comments. I do hope this doesn't set a precedent that we can only comment if we don't disagree too much.

Posted 1 year ago #
trillie
Member

I was also surprised that the comments were closed, but I guess when you run a blog and have made the decision to have only constructive feedback in the comments, you just have to draw the line somewhere. I strongly agree that long flame wars in comments are not helpful for people who consider the blog as a source of information, and I guess the only way to not censor and to allow both to happen would be a feature to promote "good" comments, which more and more websites provide nowadays. I do hope that the comments will be re-opened once this has cooled off, and I'm curious about other tips and tricks from readers.

The Real Simple book and its possible uses aside, I thought that especially the first longer negative comment by ecuadoriana was probably just a way (s)he vented about a pet peeve of his/hers. I do agree that it was written in a way that can be hurtful to someone who thinks that the book is a great resource. But I guess this is what it's about on Unclutterer: If you think that a tip improves/unclutters your life, incorporate it, and if not, don't. And if you think it's a great tip, don't force it on the rest, and if you don't think so, don't laugh about the people who do... There is no 'one size fits all' :o)

For anyone who is wondering, we're talking about this post on Unclutterer.com.

@ninakk, on your original question about how to "manage" negative thoughts, feelings and people... For me, I still work at not taking things people say personally, I often apply stuff to me that wasn't meant that way in the first place. And I've gotten a lot better at just letting things go, or shrugging negative remarks off. So... it's possible, but I know that I have really got to 'work' at being happy ;o) It costs a lot of focus and willpower at first to catch yourself thinking negative thoughts and trying to turn them around in your head, but I know that this will eventually become a habit you don't have to think about much, but it takes a while to get into 'maintenace mode' :o)

Posted 1 year ago #
Mimi
Member

##Are you surrounded by negativity? How do you deal with it if so?

yes, it´s sad but it´s true- i think i am surrounded by negativity, spread by some special persons i can´t get rid of in the moment.

my way is to ignore or to block it as far as i can. let them breath fire and brimstone... but i need fresh air...

i found a picture in karen kongstons book "Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui", it shows a person surrounded by something like an eggshell. i forgot what she called it, aura (?) shield (?) but she said that you can protect yourself by imagening this kind of shelter. you should be aware of not beeing "in there" too often because you could seem to be untouchable for persons you like.

if there is so much negativity that i can´t stand it, i try to think someting like "ok... eggshellmodus ON" and that makes me smile because it´s a bit childish and like a secret, but- it helps me. i visualize the negativity being blocked by my eggshell sothat i can stand it as long as i have to be in that situation. and it makes me happy to think "i am save, eggshellmosus OFF" when i can leave the situation full of negativity. let them be negative, but don´t let them influence me.

uncluttering made me focus on "what do i love/ what is good for me" and this can be transferred from physical clutter to negativity and similar feelings and even persons.

concerning the mentioned thread: i was surprised that it was closed because it didn´t seem to be too negative for me, but it´s not my blogg, it´s erin´s. in my opinion it´s like her home and she has got the householder's rights. we can have a party but if its get too wild, she has the right to turn on the lights, turn off the music and ask us to go.

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

I have spent the last 15 years decluttering feelings. It is a hell of a painful process, but being conscious and intentional about how *I* want to feel, and how to achieve it, has made an enormous difference in my quality of life.

I have learned to diagnose a negative person quickly and easily. Ask a person an innocuous question, e.g. "isn't it a lovely day?," and if their response is a litany of complaints, move on. Ask a person "how could we make this better?" and if their response is to point out a problem without offering a solution, move on.

There are a few people I've known for years that I am perfectly civil to, and they are actually very nice people at heart, but every word out of their mouths is negative and I just don't want, or need, to hear it. Their issues are not my problem.

It doesn't help them for me to listen, it certainly doesn't help me have a better day, and it's not my job to fix them. I don't include those people in social outings, I don't exchange correspondence with them, and I don't spend extended time with them at events, and I feel no guilt whatsoever.

Posted 1 year ago #
vjb
Member

chacha1 - bravo! I'm totally with you. I wish those type of people well, and am pleasant to them, but I don't choose to spend time with them. Wrecking your own emotional equilibrium doesn't help anyone.

Posted 1 year ago #
irishbell
Member

So strange that this article inspired so much complaint. Some people have such huge egos, it makes them feel superior to put others down, however they choose to do it. Evidently, while their parents taught them the multiple uses for baking soda they didn't teach them the old saying...if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!
And- if you have a criticism, which is sometimes necessary, voice it constructively. The good ol' Golden Rule is something to live by.

Posted 1 year ago #
lottielot
Member

chacha1, I know several of those people! Every time I see them I think: why did I let myself be suckered into seeing you instead of one of my friends who I love and enjoy spending time with? I've decluttered a couple of them though :) Also, those people bring out my inner whinger too, so you end up disliking yourself as well as them! Still working on decluttering my MIL...She rang last night to talk to me and I told my son to say that I couldn't talk because I had to make dinner for the kids (completely true, and she ALWAYS rings at that time and then goes on and on about her boring life while we all go hungry and the pasta goes cold, grrr). Maybe I need to work on decluttering my dislike of her?

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

irishbell, I agree. I have seen a few instances where someone was hurtful (and really told someone else who disagreed or truly did not know). Thanks for your kind words. You are a keeper.

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

lottielot ... sometimes you just have to find workarounds. Having your son take the call was the perfect solution, I think - your MIL can feel virtuous because she called, but she won't have bent your son's ear with her usual nattering the way she would have bent yours!

I'd say if she really does call at around the same time every day, ALWAYS have one of the kids or your husband pick up the phone! And then YOU can call once in a while, at a time of YOUR choosing, so that she can't get all righteous on you about never talking to her. :-)

Posted 1 year ago #
HelofaMess
Member

I don't have any friends who I see regularly who clutter my life. I have one friend from high school who is very negative but I see her maybe once a year when I go back to th Uk so I can put up with it. I do remember though when a good friend of mine "kate" needed to unclutter a friend "Sarah" It was worse than a break up. It dragged on for months, other friends got pulled into the middle of it. Sarah emotionally blackmailed Kate to see her and it took real strength from Kate to block her out and unclutter her.

Posted 1 year ago #
HelofaMess
Member

Ps having just read the comments section Of the post I for one didn't know any of the tips and would love more. My family bought something to do the job instead of using things we had at home already like baking soda or what have you!

Posted 1 year ago #
ArtGal
Member

I think that sometimes people get stuck in "negative complaint mode" and may not actually realize that they are doing it...or they complain to try and create a common denominator to a person or group...I call it the "Misery Loves Company Club." I will admit, I used to be a member...but since decluttering mind, body, and space I just don't feel I need to participate any longer (ok, I do OCCASIONALLY get on a tangent about something :)
If I am around somebody that is spewing negativity just for the sake of being negative I will usually disarm them with the following sentence..."OK, now say something nice." This normally stops them in their tracks and makes them think about what they've been saying and they will do one of two things, either get really mad and walk away (and I'm ok with that) or they will smile and say something silly like "I like puppies" (and that is the best reaction :) It may not totally stop the rants, but it will quell them when they are around you.

@ Mimi...I use the old Star Trek method..."Deflector Shields Up!" :)

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

Maybe now whenever someone goes off on a rant in the comments one of us can just throw in a quick "I like puppies!" LOL It could be our new happy code for STFU.

Posted 1 year ago #
ElFish1
Member

ArtGal, I do the SAME thing! "So, tell me something good that's going on in your life."

Posted 1 year ago #
lottielot
Member

lol, I actually hate puppies :) Kittens, now we're talking!

Posted 1 year ago #
irishbell
Member

ArtGal- I love that line - "OK, now say something nice". It's disarming, humorous- a good way to stop a bad conversation without being rude or awkward.
And the "I like puppies"- pure gold!

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

ElFish1: I tried the line "So, tell me something good that's going on in your life" on whiners, and received several responses (tee-hee):
1. Don't you care about my problems? (Not as much as you do)
2. These are the good things.
3. I paid a bill today. (Don't worry, there will be more again soon)

Posted 1 year ago #
Amy
Member

If you wait enough time, you forget the bad stuff. Sometimes when I have a bad memory, I just pray that I will forget, so I can forgive.

Time heals all wounds.

Posted 1 year ago #
ElFish1
Member

SunshineR, I'm thinking you might want to unclutter these people from your world! :-)

Posted 1 year ago #

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