My Mother passed away unexpectedly 2 nights ago. She had been ill off and on for a couple years, but this last thing was a routine heart cath and stent replacement. Unknown to her and us she had suffered a heart attack a day or 2 before entering the hospital, complaining of difficulty breathing. This just goes to show us how common it is for women- that the symptoms of heart attack in women are so misunderstood and misdiagnosed. Also as people age, they experience pain differently and aren't as able to describe where the pain is.
I've posted before how hard it will be to go to their home and starting the decluttering process. My Dad is a clutter hater and he started cleaning and tidying up the hospital room where she spent her last days, then a few things in the car on the way home that horrible evening. The next morning after meeting with the funeral home people, he had me go and clear out her nightstand. Then he made a verbal list of things he's like my sis and I to do this week. He can't stand to have too many reminders around, but I told him- let's give it a few days, not rush into anything and see if he still feels the same. There is just so much stuff to go through, but I'm afraid in his present state he might be sorry later if he has me get rid of things too quickly.
This was all happening at the same time i was preparing Thanksgiving dinner for 25 people, most of them out of town guests. Thank goodness i had been preparing for turkey day for several weeks. The only reason I didn't cancel the dinner was that I knew the relatives would want to see her one last time, which a few of them did have a chance to do.
This is such a sad and sorrow filled time for us, I just hope I can keep my head and help my Dad make good decisions.
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Posted 1 year ago #
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My sincerest sympathies on your loss. No time is a good time to lose a loved one, but this time was worse than most.
You face some daunting tasks. I hope you get all the help you need to carry them out.
You might try just MOVING the things he wants to jettison, so that he doesn't have to see them, and storing them for a few weeks so that he can make decisions in a calmer frame of mind.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Condolences Irishbell.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell, I am so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you! What a hard time for you! My husband and I are both facing this with our mothers.
You will do fine with your Dad. It is amazing the reserves of strength we find at times like this. Bless you!
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell, I am sorry for your loss.
You could try starting with what items are important to your dad, then moving the other items, but not getting rid of them yet. It sounds like his sadness is being displayed in wanting to unclutter; I can relate to your fear that he may regret discarding items at a later time.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell, I'm so sorry to hear your news. My heart goes out to you.
You're right - making quick decisions immediately after a death is often not the best of ideas.
Some things surviving spouses often get rid of quickly - and which seem safe to dispose of, since it's unlikely they will change their minds - are things that remind them of the person's illness. Medications, medical supplies and such are items that you can perhaps focus on first. And there are a number of things that are unlikely to have any sentimental value: basic undies, for example, or food items that she liked but he didn't.
Also, I wonder if he's been thinking this through for a while; perhaps his decision-making is more considered than it seems. I've seen people with ill spouses who decided well before the spouse's death which things they wanted to keep and which things could be disposed of.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Irishbell. I wish you all the best in this difficult time.
Posted 1 year ago # -
my sincere condolences and sympathy on the loss of your mother, irishbell.
i agree, some things can be decluttered pretty much immediately.
and some things may need some pondering time.
your dad is fortunate to have such caring daughters to help with all this.Posted 1 year ago # -
wow, you people are amazing, thank you thank you thank you.
Yes, the medication was the first thing to go at home
Cookbooks will be gone through today.I don't think I'll keep any cookbooks- she wasn't the best of cooks- and I say that with love!
He wants us to start on the clothes today as well- he says if he can keep her closet door closed it will be okay until we are finished with that. It seems to be the number one priority for him. I think we should choose something to save though- sis and I will have to put our heads together on that. She was a tiny lady and her clothes are unlikely to fit any family members, I believe the majority we'll take to their church for the various charities they serve.
Yes, the frig was something he's already mentioned. Since he had not been home but for a few hours in the last week, there were some spoiled things he needed to purge,I said sis and I would go through the rest. (the contents of their frig would amaze a chemist)
I do believe these are some things he's been thinking about for awhile now, which had not occurred to me.
My Mom was an Olympic class shopper and gift giver, as I've mentioned before. Christmas will be so hard without her, especially for my Dad. He doesn't even want the tree up, and over half the presents are still unwrapped- he's already said he can't be apart of any more wrapping this year- this will be a mammoth job. (normally all the presents are wrapped by Thanksgiving)
He wants the wrapping paper/bags/ribbons out and gone- sis and I will probably wrap the rest of the presents and then out with the paper stuff. My sister, brother and I could wrap presents for the next 5 Christmases with the amount of wrapping accoutrement she has collected! Mind you they have 3 kids w/spouses, 10 grandkids -5 w/ spouses, and 5 great grandkids.3 bright spots in the last couple weeks: my middle daughter became engaged and my Mom knew about that and was happy for them. My girls and I are seeing Michael Buble in concert this Friday, and my oldest girl and her (still nursing)littlest guy are coming from Seattle for the service!
Thanks for letting me ramble- it does help to have it written down and laid out before my eyes. It makes it more tangible and surprisingly more doable.
thank you all again for your kind words.Posted 1 year ago # -
I'm happy for your good news, Irishbell. All the things you have mentioned do sound like the normal things to deal with quickly. It also sounds like you have it under control. You may also have close friends who are willing to help at this time. Enlist their aid. It always helps it go faster.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Irishbell. Loss is always difficult, but somehow seems even more so around the holidays.
I have no advice to give, but it sounds like you're asking the right questions and doing a great job of balancing your father's immediate impulses with you and your sister's need for time to mourn and consider her possessions. I wish the very best for you in this difficult time.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell, I'm very sorry about your loss! I think your father is very lucky to have sensible daughters like you two :o) I also wish you all the best during this time.
Posted 1 year ago # -
I'm sorry to hear about your loss Irishbell. I am also glad to hear that your siblings and your children are helpful at this stressful time. I too am amazed at the wisdom of everyone here, and their thoughtfulness in offering cyber-support. I'm sending you a huge cyber-hug and loving thoughts.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell: Sending thoughts of care to you and your family.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell- so sorry to hear about your loss. My condolences go to you and your whole family.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell - my heart goes out to you. I lost my father in the summer and I know what you mean about the holidays.
A couple of comments/thoughts - take or leave as you will -
If your father wants your mother's things discarded, you'll have to pick things sort of "on the fly" - but if he just wants them out of the house, I'd say create a separate box for you and your sister as you go. Don't worry about your own clutter at this point - anything you decide you don't want you can get rid of later.
As for Christmas - my father was exactly the same way when my mother died. No tree, very subdued gathering. It's *okay.* If you recreated every family tradition perfectly this year, it would be too sad to bear. Get together with your sister and devise a way to honor your mother quietly, for yourselves - in the decorating of your own home, or in small gifts to each other. Your father needs to grieve in his own way, and it's important to respect that - but his way doesn't have to be your way, and there is room for all of you.
Again, my deepest sympathy.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Oh, irishbell, how did I miss this? I'm so very sorry, love.
I would echo Julia's words re: Christmas: a dear friend's son died two years ago and she couldn't even bear to go into the attic to look at the boxes of ornaments. It's all right. If it's a religious holiday for your family, make time to go to services or listen to them on the radio; the latter was a good option for my friend, as she was afraid she would begin crying and couldn't face the thought of people "fussing" at her.
Posted 1 year ago # -
irishbell...you and your family are in my thoughts...I am so sorry.
Take your time and and don't forget to take care of YOURSELF at this difficult time. I agree with Julia, it is very noble of you and your family to help your father and carry out his wishes as to the distribution of your mom's personal items, however, not at the expense of your own health and well being. You are all grieving...just in different ways.Posted 1 year ago # -
update: we made it thru the service on saturday, big relief. I got up and said a few words & read the Irish Blessing that my Mom loved so dearly. Don't know how I did it,barely remember doing it (meet my little friend xanax)
***did a major declutter of xmas and other wrapping paper tossed, gave away and kept some ourselves
***Took all my family's xmas presents home- 12-13 plastic rubbermaid bins
***went through some Xmas decorations my Dad wanted us to sort thru- I only took 3! Since this is the first time I've lost someone I loved and was close to, I understand the wanting to keep a memento thing.
***cleaned the pantry for my dad- you really couldn't see hardly anything or where it was- he still could eat for months out of that pantry!
***jewelry- sis and I kept some, let our girls choose a piece, left the rest
***we really didn't get rid of ALL of anything- just the excess and overflow that was making my dad nervous and agitated.
I'm now wrapping the bins of presents, sad to be wrapping the last presents my Mom ever picked out for my kids, I didn't think it would be so hard.
Going over tomorrow to go thru a closet with him and pare down their linens (gazillions) and towels (bazillions)
Also going to clean out freezer. I remember posting her awhile back there was stuff from 2004 and 2006 in the extra freezer. Dad had no idea.
On a funny note, My dad wanted to go through my Mom's purse. I said-can we wait a few days, I'll go thru it with you- but I'll get her wallet and take whatever money is in there out for you- he said he already did that!
I'm thinking after Xmas and the new year things will get a little better.
Thanks again to each and every one of you for your kind words and thoughts.
p.s. Michael Buble is as talented as he is charming, what a voice,what a doll.Posted 1 year ago # -
Irishbell: It was good to read your post just now.
(My mom passed away unexpectedly 19 years ago on November 1st. I remember finding holiday gifts in her home, getting through the first days and weeks without her.) There were lots of up-and-down feelings to work through.
Hang on. Let us know how you are doing this month. :)
Posted 1 year ago #
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