OK...I don't have any issue at all going to someone's house and seeing their clutter. In fact it doesn't bother me in the least. But, what is the best way to handle a guest that comes to your house (usually a relative that stays for too many days) and sows their "clutter-seeds" in your domain? Do you (a.) Suck it up and clean after they leave, (b.) Gently suggest that things are getting out of hand...tried this, didn't work for me, or (c.) Have a massive Freak-Out in the other room (this is what happened and I'm not proud of it.) What have you done or would you do...I need to be armed for the next incident. Help, please :)
Overall Rating: 1 vote
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Posted 2 years ago #
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Give us a little more info. on how their clutter affected you- did it keep you from getting work done? Was it in the way of meals or other daily function or just asthetically icky? Safety hazard? I guess some of the response might depend on those issues. Also, how often do they visit?
Posted 2 years ago # -
yeah, fraid you have to suck it up. People can't change their habits very easily, and probably aren't even aware that it's creating an issue. Days you can cope with. When it heads into weeks, maybe you need a strategy, but even then.
Yeah, more information would help. If you have a defined guest space (guest room) then you could simply pick up their things and place them tidily in their room.
Posted 2 years ago # -
When my mom comes from out-of-state (by car) she brings tons of stuff. Bakery goods, fresh produce, her milk and cream, cookies, candy, snacks. She doesn't want some things to spoil while she's gone, so she brings it with her. And the junk food is for my kids. Sigh. I have a very small kitchen with limited storage and I have everything neatly under control. Until all that extra food comes along.
Oh, and sometimes my sister drives down from here home & she brings all her assorted stuff, yogurts & cheeses & chocolates and refridgerated pastries. And to top it off, it's usually for Christmas or Thanksgiving when my own pantry is bursting to the seams with ingrediants for the holiday meals.
There's nothing you can do. Be a gracious hostess. Be thankful that you have loved ones or frinds who can come to visit. And breathe a deep sigh of relief when it's over.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I agree with the previous posters, Artgal. If it is short-term, being a gracious hostess would be the best thing to do. Try to see things from your guests' perspective.
I still sting at the memory of my first visit to my (then future) inlaws' home. My future m-i-l followed me around with a rag, wiping things after I had touched them, even picking up my purse, which I had placed on a side table, and wiping underneath it. Not a very welcoming place to visit! (Good thing their son is so wonderful-we've been married 27 years.)
I struggle with clutter frustration when visitors come,too, but I just try telling myself that maybe my "calm, uncluttered environment" will inspire them to unclutter their own space instead of making an issue of it. I also pick up as graciously as possible- Sometimes I blame it on the dog-"Spot just loves to chew up (pick one- your shoes, magazines, your dentures!)and I'm sure you wouldn't want to lose them. Would you like for me to put them in your room?" Knowing that as soon as they depart, I can return to normal while their clutter follows them home keeps me relatively sane. (Small, private freak-outs in my bedroom help, as well!)
Gotta go prepare for visitors coming tomorrow. Thanks for the timely question, Artgal :)Posted 2 years ago # -
We have someone visit us occasionally who brings everything her and her family will need because she is afraid of being a burden. She brings towels and bedding and food and beverage, and all sorts of other things that fill up my house. Towels and semi-laundered kid's clothes hang all over the place to dry. When I ask if I can do a load of wash for her she refuses. If they go to visit other people, I wash their wet things and fold them neatly. I clear a shelf for them in a kitchen cabinet, and have other special places for their things. I want them to feel at comfortable when they are here. I do this because maybe they just don't know where to put everything or maybe they are afraid of forgetting their stuff when they leave. Having a few special places where they can keep their things might help everyone feel better and it controls the chaos.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Here is the more info as requested;
Relative comes in (usually unannounced) and says that she will be staying three days or so...ends up being (usually) 10 days. My home is very small with 3 bedrooms (2 are used as work spaces) and I give her my office space as a guest bedroom...telling her that I do need a path to the computer to do work. While here, she goes on marathon shopping sprees (which I don't get in the first place because she has the same stores where she lives.) My home begins to fill with bags and bags and BAGS of merchandise...so much that the last time she had to ship some of it home (a state away) because it wouldn't fit in her SUV. First the office space fills up...that then trickles into the hallway...next it invades the studio, where I work 9-5. I think I am a pretty patient person, but this last trip I FREAKED (in private) because I had a lot of deadlines and couldn't get into my office. I ended up hauling everything down to the basement (while she was out shopping for more) and she was not happy about it. I've tried to talk to her gently about her excessive shopping (I used to do it too) but she thinks I'm nuts.
So I am unsure if I am being a patient, gracious hostess or am I being a wimpy, pushover?!
Paperdog-I might just use that one about the "dog might chew it up!" :) I like that!
Posted 2 years ago # -
**So I am unsure if I am being a patient, gracious hostess or am I being a wimpy, pushover?!**
Actually your guests seems to be extremely rude, I don't think she heard a word you said about keeping the path clear to the pc because she was too busy planning her shopping excursions.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Next time, say you're going to stay at theirs instead!
If you like her enough then just put up with it and move her purchases around if you need to get to the PC - Am sure she won't notice/mind!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Artgal, from the added info, it sounds like it's time for you to take a stronger approach with this "guest". Since you said you tried hinting and that didn't work, a direct approach may be necessary. Believe me, I know that is much easier said than done!
Because this is affecting your work, I might approach it from that angle-"I MUST be able to work to pay the rent...(so you can continue to stay here rent-free for your shopping trips-thought, but probably not said aloud) Maybe you'd be more comfortable at a nearby hotel...(since $$ is apparently not a problem)if your visit is going to extend beyond 2 days."
Frankly, I'd be surprised if this works as presented, but it might be a starting point for approaching the subject in a direct manner. IMHO, most boorish relative/houseguests unthinkingly ignore hints and have to have it spelled out. Relative may get angry or hurt feelings, but her behavior is affecting your productivity and your livelihood.
Since she shows up unannounced, you might need to be proactive to ward off another invasion.
Good luck. Score a victory for all of us uncluttered hosts/hostesses everywhere!Posted 2 years ago # -
Beautiful! Thank you for all of your thoughts on this...I was feeling quite used and needed some support and advice...you folks are GREAT!!! This won't be easy, and I'll keep you posted :)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Unannounced? That's a rocky start for a visit.
How about something like this?
When you answer the door(or phone) "Oh my gosh, what a surprise to see you again so soon! I'd love to have you visit for a couple days. But gosh, I really need to set some ground rules since your last visit was a little rough on me and my work schedule "... and then spell it out for her. Tell her how long she can stay, where she can put her things, what you need to accomplish workwise while she's visiting etc. It will be up to you to enforce the rules, and be firm about it.
It may be awkward for the 3 or 4 minutes you're saying it, but you will be so much happier for having done it. You may find a better way to put it yourself. If you say it right off and in a friendly and calm manner, it will turn out much better than if you wait til she's been there for too long and you're screaming at her!
After her visit, you re-evaluate, maybe it worked out super, maybe not. Then you'll have to decide if you really want anymore visits from her.
Good luck.Posted 2 years ago # -
ArtGl - oy, you have hit a raw, sensitive nerve. We've started the countdown to DH's parents' visit. His dad is an unclutterer's delight, an easy going, easy to live with and easy to entertain gentleman. He travel's light, he is happy to eat what we are having, and needless to say he doesn't have a battery of hair accessories.
My MIL is a league all to herself. Her house is perfectly neat, every single knick-knack and tchotchke is dusted and artfully arranged in pretty vignettes. Her countertops are sparkling - the part of them you can see between the multitude of stuff that lives there. Her closets and pantry are bursting at the seams and they have additional storage space - unfortunately, they have a storage facility next door to their complex. She does not travel light. She packs three different outfits, complete with shoes and handbags, for every day. They will stay for 8 days and I project 2 large suitcases and a bursting carry-on bag plus a purse that can magically hold hald a drugstore.
I'm a recovering messie. My problem is not as much the accumulation as the disorganization. For my very limited ability to organize stuff in space, I need to have less. I need to have clear countertops, and I can't have lots of things in storage for later because I will forget about them (just discovered a big bag of sugar in an out-of-the-way kitchen cabinet. I put it there because it wouldn't fit in the other cabinets. It's been there for 2 months).
I'll take a deep breath, try to appreciate the fact that my guests are able to visit, and grin and bear it for 8 days.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Great comments/ideas and I don't have anything to add other than....Wow. Do you spend much time going places or talking with your guest? Otherwise you're a hotel for an out of town shopping binge. Sounds like someone is drowning their sorrows while increasing yours. Good luck addressing the issue.
Posted 2 years ago # -
ooooh boy. Yep, seriously being made use of. For starters I wouldn't DREAM of turning up anywhere unannounced unless we'd just been flooded out. And the behavior - omg.
I'm thinking things like... a surveillance camera for her car coming up the road and:
quickly move all furniture into the middle of the room, chuck a sheet over and start rolling paint. "oh dear, what a shame, I'm decorating...."
- borrow a dog trained to go bezerk at her perfume
- some spray-on spots and a brochure to tack to your door about some exotic disease (with a World Health Organization Security Zone tape across the door)
Alternatively, go and stay unnanounced at her house, and do the same. Have your car boot filled with shopping bags of your own stuff (fake some labels) to leave all over her house.
Posted 2 years ago # -
We are not obligated to put up with that sort of behavior just because they are the guest and we are the host. She knows that dropping in on you puts you on the spot. You have been allowing her behavior, so as long as you say nothing, she will continue her crazy behavior. Has she tried the same with other relatives? Does she go back home and use her visit with you to justify her purchases somehow?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Oh ArtGal, I think you will really have to put your foot down, as many already suggested, and it will be difficult -- but worth it.
I don't know how close you are with your relative, but if there is some spark of the same wave length there, it could be a good idea if you not only mention that she is keeping you from working and that there is only a certain area in your home she is allowed to spill her stuff... But you could also ask her why she does the unexpected, spontaneous long visits and all the shopping. Who knows, maybe you'll gain an insight into why she is doing all this (possibly, MellieTX is right and you are just experiencing the 'foothills' of a bigger issue), and if there is understanding on your side, she could also understand and accept what you want from her. And everything might just fall into place :o)
Posted 2 years ago # -
oops
Posted 2 years ago # -
artgal, you sound like a very sweet, kind hostess. and your guest is rude, pushy and a user.
you do NOT have to put up with this any more.
why should you be freaking out in another room over this behaviour?
it's YOUR home!i wouldn't wait for the next visit.
i would send a registered letter, clearly but not cruelly explaining how i feel and how this will not be happening in the future.
there is an art to explaining this in such a way that you don't sever things entirely....but you need to definitely make the point that the unannounced ten day shopping binge visits are MOST ASSUREDLY a thing of the past.
blame your work.
invent some asthma. or a nervous disorder. anything.really, it's intolerable and normal people don't force this sort of situation onto other people.
you aren't being weird by putting your foot down.Posted 2 years ago # -
I think you are all right...I do feel like a hotel and no, I don't get invited often on the excursions unless it's lunch and I'm buying :( I feel a little stupid for letting this go on for so long and not stepping up. What was I thinking!?
Again, I am incredibly thankful for everybody's insight...I was finding myself getting very angry with the situation and I'm not normally an angry person...now I think I have a right to be a little miffed. Wait a minute...do you hear that? I think my spine is growing!!! :)
Posted 2 years ago #
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