Clutter Wars

Unclutterer ForumsLiving SpacesSentimental Clutter

(10 posts) (9 voices)

Started 2 years ago by chacha1
Latest reply from nellieb
RSS feed for this topic

Overall Rating: votes

Tags:

chacha1
Member

The moving thread turned into me ranting about how I can't pry clutter away from my DH. I thought maybe someone out there would have some suggestions on ways to convince him it's time to go clutter-free?

I've tried sequestering him in one room, which has worked really well for the rest of the apartment, except that he ended up buying a storage locker for the parking garage, and his room (our home office and guest bedroom) is now so jam-packed with stuff I hate to go in there. I'm about to install Quickbooks 2010 on my laptop so I can do the taxes from the den.

DH is a personal trainer/physical therapist assistant who specializes in geriatrics. His dear old people give him things, and he KEEPS THEM. Like two double-breasted suits that he will NEVER WEAR. I know this because he doesn't even wear the single-breasted jacket that suits him and fits him.

Oh help! :-)

Posted 2 years ago #
Aunt Cloud
Member

Oy, those textbooks. We have the same number of higher education. I saved 2 or 3 cherished textbooks. His books fill 3 boxes, none of which will be unpacked in the new house. Does he ever look at the books or refer to them? nope. Still, God forbid I toss one of them.

He says I go on "tossing sprees". I wish I could cull 2/3 of his books, or at least have him deal with buying/building bookcases, unpacking and dusting.

His mom is a pack-rat. She's not a hoarder yet, but has copious amounts of knick-knacks, tchochkes, stuff she got at estate sales - anything that can prove to the world that she has tradition and an established family that passed their treasures on to her (and no, she doesn't). Her pantry is full of expired stuff, all arranged neatly. He grew up in a tiny apartment and had very little space allocated to him. I'm a recovering clutterer, learning to enjoy traveling light through life (plus, I'm tired of lugging all our stuff through moves).

Posted 2 years ago #
chacha1
Member

I'll readily admit I held onto my grad-school reading for a looooooong time. But, you know, grad school. It was on the shelf with my bound thesis. I did not keep, e.g., my sophomore-year Calculus textbook.

Have you tried sitting down with a glass of wine and just talking about why these guys are so attached to their crap? I'm about to, so I'll let you know what happens.

I'm planning to work the angle of "paying rent for space we can't use." Because it's full of crap. That's the subtext. :-)

Posted 2 years ago #
klutzgrrl
Member

Ooh difficult one. I think you've got the right approach, chacha1. You can't force people to declutter if it's not 'them'. Communication is key. Maybe try and find some middle ground.

How are your negotiation skills? I mean you can't use "you have to" or maybe even "I need you to..." but rather "if you chose to do x, you'd be able to do y". And avoid 'but' because 'but' negates everything you've just said.

For example, if you say "I appreciate you feel responsible for this stuff but I need more space" all he hears is "I need more space". So you use "and" instead. "I appreciate that you feel responsible for the lovely suit that John gave you, and think you'd be honoring him if you passed it on to someone who would use it."

With the allocating rooms thing - either you do or you don't. If it's his room - it's his. Move the computer out. He has that space to do with as he pleases. Hiring storage is a different matter. Danger, Will Robinson. Maybe show him some episodes of hoarders...

Always keep calm and remember you love him :)

Posted 2 years ago #
trillie
Member

Yes, this is difficult, it's one of these situations where two people will have a hard time really understanding each other's motivations - but yay for the talk-over-a-glass-of-wine-idea, after all, you're not going to declutter the apartment that night, but you can talk about your motivation, wants and needs like adults :o)

I have nothing to add really, except for a link to an Unclutterer article, and there are some great pieces of advice in the comments, too: http://unclutterer.com/2008/06/24/what-to-do-if-you-are-organized-and-your-partner-isnt/

Posted 2 years ago #
JuliaJayne
Member

Chacha1,

Your DH might be keeping the stuff he gets from the elderly to remember them. Maybe he needs a photo journal. Take a photo of the patient, the gift and write something memorable about the person.

Posted 2 years ago #
mugwump
Member

Hi, this is my first post. I had to chime in on the packrat husband. I have one, too. When we remodeled the basement, we set up two storage sheds for the stuff we displaced. Here I must digress and mention that we have a separate fund for joint expenses, called the Kitty. All our income goes to the Kitty, and we get liberal allowances for our personal expenses. Well, the Kitty paid for the storage units while we were remodeling, and a while later we decided we didn't need one of them. I made sure the one we kept was all his stuff, and told him he had to pay for the storage. Took about a year, but eventually it was empty and he had found room for all his stuff elsewhere. Meanwhile, I didn't feel bad about the expense because it was on his dime.

Posted 2 years ago #
charmed2482
Member

My boyfriend is sort of like this but he has gotten better over time. mostly just from watching me unclutter and being inspired to do the same thing. Sometimes I ask why he's keeping something but I try to make sure I don't tell him he should get rid of it. Like he has these VHS tapes from when he was in band that he can't watch b/c we don't have a VCR and he doesn't seem interested in trying to get one either. But he doesn't want to get rid of them because he would miss them to much. He'll probably never watch them again unless he figures out a way to transfer them to DVD which I doubt will ever happen. I just ask that he please organize his stuff so its not just sitting around in piles making the whole apartment look bad. Usually when he's going through he gets rid of a bunch which works out well.

All I can say is lead by example.

He applied for a job that's like 4 hours from where we live now and I hauled a crap ton of books here when I moved here and I just told him no way am I moving all those books again even though I only have a fraction of what I had when we moved, I'll get rid of 90% of them before I pack them and haul them anywhere. After I said that he said he might try and sell his old text books(that he never looks at and probably can't sell)which made me really happy. Before he had no interest in getting rid of all his old outdated text books that he'll never ever need again. But He knows he will be the one lugging that stuff around if he keeps any of it.

Posted 2 years ago #
themusiclivez
Member

I think it's really tough to convince someone to declutter. However, while I was going around decluttering my own belongings, my husband decided to jump on board (he was a bit of a pack rat before; neat, but a pack rat). After seeing how much I was making selling old things on eBay he decided to see if he had anything to sell. And now he is unstoppable! Sometimes the best thing to do is lead by setting an example and your husband might change his mind!

Posted 2 years ago #
nellieb
Member

Good luck everyone!

I have a wonderful SO who likes to live clutter free as I do! We are constantly sorting through our belongings and moving items out of our lives! Last week, I opened one of his drawers and asked why he was keeping some outdated things. He had forgotten about them, immediately told me to photograph and donate them.

Since we're house hunting together, we've both agreed we want to only move things we love and want to have around us. I was relieved when we talked about how we both feel about stuff and discovered we are on the same page!

When I began my New Year's resolutions of getting rid of half of what I own, we had not decided to buy a home together. (See my personal blog at http://www.drawerbydrawer.wordpress.com/) So now it's even more important to me to declutter so I have an easy packing and moving experience!

Posted 2 years ago #

Reply

You must log in to post. If you do not already have an account, you can register here.