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Started 1 year ago by Alice F.
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Alice F.
Member

I just spoke to a friend of 20+ years who is going to be flying to my area in a couple of weeks and wants to visit. She made her flight plans before talking to me, so I'm sure she wasn't planning on staying with me. But I still felt like I needed to tell her I would love to have her stay with me, but can't because my clutter situation is so out of control.

She was nice about it, but I still feel horrible and wish she would have reassured me a little more. I'm so ashamed, and embarrassed, and disappointed in myself that things have gotten to this point. It just feels so hopeless to me right now.

I figured there must be some folks on this forum who have been in the same boat and can sympathize. Thanks for listening.

Alice

Posted 1 year ago #
Rosa
Member

You have my total sympathy, Alice. I've totally been there. And also - congratulations for telling her the truth. Lots of people lie and pretend there's nothing wrong.

If you're interested in changing it, the A Thing A Day topic here is really helpful. It's easy to think "oh it's not even worth it because it's hopeless" but even just one thing a day is progress in the right direction.

Posted 1 year ago #
susanintexas
Member

The good news is that she isn't calling from the airport -- you have a couple of weeks. The other good news is that she is a good friend and will not expect perfection from you.

I would start by budgeting some time every day to work on the clutter. It actually goes a lot faster in the early stages that you would anticipate. Maybe a half hour a day?

Next, determine your priorities: where will she sleep? What bathroom will she use? Start with these areas and make them functional and welcoming.

In two weeks or so you may not solve your clutter problem. If it looks too big to tackle in that time you might need a place to stash stuff for a while. I like to use open laundry baskets -- they are inexpensive and, because they do not make good long-term storage, you will not be as tempted to keep things stored there forever.

This could be a great opportunity to get started on a long term and lasting clutter project! Seize the moment.

Posted 1 year ago #
jbeany
Member

There's an organizing website - flylady.com - that calls it suffering from CHAOS - "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome." And yes, I've had it.

Curing it is a long, slow process, but the cure is NOT worse than the disease!

Posted 1 year ago #
luxcat
Member

I agree with Rosa-- sometimes we get stuck in total paralysis because when you look at a project (like uncluttering a very cluttered house) it seems overwhelming, but if you break it down into super do-able steps.... well... one tiny thing out the door a day? do-able! one thing a day and commit to not bringing in any other items? you've just solved the whole problem in one fell swoop... because then it's just a waiting game as one thing goes out and nothing comes in, and eventually any house, however crowded, will become uncluttered. Once you start seeing a little bit of progress and feeling that rush of success, you might even start taking out two things a day... or five! the trick is not to tackle moving the whole mountain at once... just a teaspoon at a time, and a bit of patience, and it'll all get done to your satisfaction!

Posted 1 year ago #
Jude2004
Member

Fortunately for me, I don't have any friends, so I don't have to worry about this.

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

Hi! I am a recovering clutterbug...and I have learned that stress will increase when I am hit with a surprise, such as company coming.
Try to make the guest area, the living room and the kitchen welcoming. Sounds like you have 2 weeks to get prepared. It doesn't have to be perfect...keep breathing...and you can hide some things in your bedroom (if needed), if you have more than a studio apartment. It works for me in a pinch...
Wait for that rush of success...it will happen...and don't forget to breathe!
:))

Posted 1 year ago #
Parsifal
Member

I agree with those who say you have plenty of time. Remember, unless you're a candidate for Hoarders, you should have enough time to accomplish your mission, which is making the common areas of your home presentable. You don't have to change your lifestyle by then.

Also, am I correct in thinking that your main source of anxiety stems from your perceived inability to ask your friend to STAY with you, rather than just visit? It doesn't sound like your friend even needed a place to stay, so don't worry about it! We often invent new problems or exaggerate existing ones when stressed.

Posted 1 year ago #
Claycat
Member

Alice, can you call in the big guns? Can you afford a professional organizer? If you can, this visit from your friend might just be what the clutter doctor ordered. I used to work well under a deadline. This would be the kind of thing that would really motivate me.

Who knows? Maybe in a week or so you can call your friend back and tell her things are better, and you want her to stay with you. However, if as Parsifal stated, you are a candidate for Hoarders, at least you might find a way between now and then to get it under control a little better.

My heart goes out to you. I have been there, and honestly my mess is getting a little better day by day.

Posted 1 year ago #
JuliaJayne
Member

How out of control is your clutter problem, Alice?

One way to jump start decluttering is to pick a number of things to get rid of. How about starting with 25. Grab a bag and go into each room putting things into the bag. Once you reach 25 items you can stop, but if you want to get rid of more, by all means do it. Then immediately get that stuff out of the house. Take it to a charity shop as soon as possible.

Posted 1 year ago #
writing all the time
Member

Great suggestions. I'm going to add a few.
Pick one, maybe two at the most of the above ideas. Stick with one gameplan and do a little bit every day.
Write down your progress, or post here if you like in The A Thing A Day thread. Keep sharing your successes.
Take things out immediately.
If you can hire an organizer, make sure s/he understands the deadline and what you want to have happen.
Get enough rest and schedule some fun stuff for yourself.
Plan some things to do with your friend that get you out of the house - taking hikes/walks, massages, theatre or musical events, etc.
Reward yourself! Enjoy the progress you make.
Good luck, and please let us know how you get on.

Posted 1 year ago #
chacha1
Member

Alice F., I take it that your friend actually will NOT be staying with you this time ... but you might still take this as a "sign" that the time is right for you to begin addressing your situation.

You might find that by using A Thing A Day or Flylady that you begin to gather momentum in taking control of your life, and may even get yourself to a point where you could invite your friend over for coffee or dinner while she is in your town.

You could tell her, "I felt so bad that I couldn't offer you a place to stay that I was really motivated to improve things. Next time you are in town, I would love to welcome you to my home."

I think almost ALL of us have been in your situation, or close to it - or we wouldn't be here. You have all our best wishes. Please keep us posted.

Posted 1 year ago #
Olga
Member

Alice F, I was in your shoes so many times ,I would get physically ill by working
and cleaning for a visit. Please check the Fly lady blog , or best buy the book, it
will help you , instead of going nuts and trying to do everything at once, her
way of working and taking a break just work's.Do what you can, throw stuff away, just get rid of it, once your house is in order that's the time for separating sharing etc.I wish you the best.

Posted 1 year ago #
Sky
Member

Alice F. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Accept where you are with your clutter right now and start taking steps to make it better. In 10 to 15 minutes a day you can accomplish a lot.

Just walking around your rooms with a trash bag, tossing in strictly trash is a good start. Clearing your kitchen counter and table tops makes a huge difference too.

It takes patience and time but you can do this. We are all here to encourage you!

Posted 1 year ago #
CK
Member

Alice F., I agree with everyone's advice. I found A Thing A Day just over a month ago. I don't have time to post on it all the time, However, it has kept me focused. Some days I have thrown away/given away one thing, but many days, it has been 5, 10, 20 or more things.

Once you start, you'll find that progress motivates you to keep going. You can do it!

Posted 1 year ago #
Alice F.
Member

Wow - thank you all sooooo much for your sympathy, support, encouragement, and good suggestions. What a wonderful little "community" this is. I'm so thankful for the Internet and how it lets you connect with other people and help each other.

Basically my plan right now is to try not to make myself crazy between now and when my friend arrives making everything perfect ... but I am going to try to use this embarrassment to motivate myself to do as much as I can. Like chacha said, if I can get my apartment in good enough shape to invite her over for coffee, great ... and if not, I will let her know that by the next time she comes, I *will* be able to invite her to stay over if she so chooses.

I just bought a voucher for 8 hours of professional organizing services at a discount, and I am seeing a counselor (my dad died last year, and grieving has been tough) ... she knows about my clutter woes and is trying to help me stay motivated to work on it. I just have to try not to get discouraged and keep plugging.

Thanks again ...

Posted 1 year ago #
SunshineR
Member

You can do it, Alice. I have been through bereavement and there are several others who have mentioned that as well. It is a difficult time and make sure to be kind to yourself. Take a little uncluttering at a time. Some days may be easier and more "productive" clutter-wise, than other days. In a while, take a look back with the idea of seeing your progress as a whole, rather than looking at a particular day; and you will be pleasantly surprised.

I hope that your visit with your friend has happy moments and that you have a good time together.

Posted 1 year ago #
JuliaJayne
Member

Alice, I must congratulate you on taking steps to heal and make positive changes. I'm sure you will be successful.

Posted 1 year ago #
Another Deb
Member

Alice, If your friend sees what you are dealing with, she will certainly understand. Due to economic upheaval, a death in the family, divorce, whatever, many people are crowded into places like yours. Clutter happens. For all you know, she has the same problem or a parent with the same problem!

My favorite quote is that "People who matter don't mind, and people who mind don't matter" Focus on enjoying the visit. We just heard that a friend of my husband's from 20+ years back just died of a heart attack. Screw the clutter, focus on your friend!

Although I say that, I have just spent a weekend cleaning my house (there was four years' worth of dust on things on the high cabinets!) so I could host a family gathering yesterday. I am exhausted but I was glad things could be made a little nice for them.

Posted 1 year ago #
jbeany
Member

How did the first week of organizing go, Alice? Making any visual progress?

(I know clearing the contents of closets is necessary, but it's the changes to the visible portions of a cluttered room that always make me feel the best!)

Posted 1 year ago #

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