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A small cry for help from a recovering teenaged clutterbug

(24 posts) (13 voices)
  • Started 1 year ago by Jillian
  • Latest reply from needtocleanhouse
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Overall Rating: votes

Tags:

  • changing someone
  • child of a hoarder
  • clutter
  • hoarder parents
  • living with clutterers
  • newbie
  • parents
12Next »
  1. Jillian
    Member

    Hello, as my title states, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I am eighteen years old, and after years of living with clutter (as many normal teens do), I decided recently to go through my room and get rid of the majority of my [mostly useless] things. It's made my life much better and stress-free. Finding this website has actually helped me with my near-hoarding tendencies as well, and for that, I thank you.

    Now the problem is, since I'm still in school, I live at home with my mother and step-father, and they are not as enthusiastic about my decluttering. Both my mother and step-father are pack-rats, so although my room is nice and clean, the rest of the house isn't (although it's not terribly cluttered to the point where it's unlivable. Yet.) and I can't seem to get them to part with anything. My mother also works at a thrift store, so that certainly doesn't help with the clutter either. She's forever bringing home random useless things. I know this is probably a very rare, odd occurrence, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice about trying to get them to declutter the house.

    My entire family also isn't too keen on keeping a clean house either, in the way of cleaning messes and things, especially in the kitchen. I often go to my friend's houses because I dislike being in a messy house. The sad thing is, is that even if I take it upon myself to clean the kitchen or another room, it will be messy again by the next day. I've even considered just moving out and living with my real father, just to get away from the environment in this house. Is that my only option, or is there something else I can do to make my mother and step-father understand that they need to clean house?

    Posted 1 year ago #
  2. ArtGal
    Member

    Welcome Jillian.

    I too lived with a hoarding grandmother and mother when I was your age, I am 47 now. Back then I spent a lot of time cleaning the house, tidying up, and doing general maintenance only to have granny and mom destroy it within a day or two. It got to the point that it began to interfere with my mental and emotional health and affected my grades while in high school and college. I loved them both SO much and I just wanted to take care of them. I talked to them, I begged them, I bribed them...to no avail. A caring teacher, who was concerned about my falling grades, pulled me aside for a chat and I spilled the whole story to her. She told me that it all boiled down to the fact that you can't change somebody that doesn't want to change as everyone possesses free will. She said that I could love them with all my heart and sometimes that is not enough to create change within someone. So, it was my responsibility to take care of myself, go to school, get good grades, and if need be, get out of there when I felt the time was right and live my life as I see fit...again, that free will! :)
    My grandmother is in her nineties, still hoards, and lives (what I consider) a miserable life by her own choosing. My mom, who is now 68, shops until she can't get anymore in the car and stashes it all away "for later"...she is now considering purchasing a new house because hers is "too small."
    I quit trying to change them years ago...other people also tried and failed...and they remain the same people they were despite the help, love, and caring offered to them.
    So Jillian...do what you can, love them as much as you can, take care of yourself first, and live the life you wish for...but possibly in another location when you are able.

    P.S. And when guilt rears its ugly head and you too may begin to see the tendencies in yourself, read the great advice from others in these forums that know exactly what you are going through. :)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  3. trillie
    Member

    Welcome, Jillian :o) Congratulations on your decluttering journey!

    ArtGal is right. Decluttering really is like going on a diet or quitting smoking; every person has to reach their own decision. The only thing you can do is letting them know that you love them and that you will be there for them. And if they do want to declutter at one point, that you will be there to help them.

    Have you read the Unclutterer article on How can I change someone into an unclutterer? Also, there are a few forum topics that might cheer you up as they show you that there are more with the same background as you, there, e.g.:
    * Are U the Child of a Hoarder/Clutter Collector?
    * Do Relatives/Friends Think You're Down on Your Luck?

    It's difficult to live with clutterers, even if (or maybe: especially if) you love them. Do what ArtGal said: Take care of yourself first. If there are any obstacles -- the support in this forum is great, come back, and we will cheer you on! :o)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  4. JuliaJayne
    Member

    Your mother and step-father are not happy with you efforts because they know they should be cleaning up their mess. When you are messy too they can pretend that everything is fine. kwim?

    It is ok for you to explain to them that you can't live in a mess and that are going to live with your father.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  5. bandicoot
    Member

    this is such a dilemma.
    i agree with what has already been said: you probably won't change them and you must look after yourself first.....which may indeed involve moving out altogether.
    i am glad that you have a sanctuary in your room for now.....it sounds like you will need it more and more.

    welcome to the forum....you are amongst like-minded people now!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  6. chacha1
    Member

    Hi, Jillian, welcome! I agree your first priority should be looking after yourself. It can be really hard to "give up" on people, but ultimately you are responsible for nobody but you.

    If moving in with your father would put you in a better physical and mental environment for your next steps in life - college, a job, the Peace Corps, whatever - by all means talk to him about it. He may welcome the opportunity to get to know you better as a young adult, and you might find making a big environmental change to be very stimulating - as the small change of decluttering your own room has proven to be.

    Good luck!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  7. Mrs.Mack
    Member

    Not rare, not odd, and unfortunately, nothing you can really do. You can't force other people to change. You can only change yourself.

    Congrats on all the work you've done so far! But my advice is to keep your own space tidy, don't pick fights with your family, and do everything you can to hurry up and move out. You're 18 now, so either college or a place of your own are in order. Once you're in your new dorm room/apartment, you can make the rules. For now, you have to live with your parents' rules.

    If you can't afford to get your own place yet, it's time to start looking for a job to save up! :)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  8. Jillian
    Member

    It makes me a bit sad, but I do think that I will go the route of moving out, and living with my father for a short while. I plan on attending a community college before a full fledged university, so living at his house while doing so would be ideal. I really appreciate all of the support and advice that you've given me. I'm hoping that maybe someday my mother and step-father will be better, but even if they aren't, I'll still love them <3

    Although I think I may be younger than a lot of other users, I feel very comfortable and at home here. You're all very nice people, and I look forward to being a member of the Unclutterer community c:

    Posted 1 year ago #
  9. JuliaJayne
    Member

    I understand your sadness, but improving your situation shows strenght.

    And.... People of all ages help make a community interesting :)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  10. Jillian
    Member

    Ok, so a little update! It took a while, but my new uncluttering habits have spread themselves to my mother! She now is slowly going through the house, and uncluttering rooms, one by one. This weekend we're going to conquer our most cluttered room head on, and also clear the garage. Although step-dad may be a small hindrance (he's still a pack-rat), he generally doesn't care about what happens around the house as long as his precious computer is untouched (but we'll be doing some convincing about that as well hopefully). I'm proud of my mom for wanting to unclutter, as it means that I don't have to move in with my dad, who lives pretty far away. This is an old topic I know, but I thought I'd update, just for the sake of how happy this makes me and my want to share it c:

    Posted 1 year ago #
  11. bandicoot
    Member

    jillian, i am thrilled to read your wonderful update!
    who'd a thunk this decluttering biz would be so contagious?
    your mum must be feeling pretty terrific too. what a good daughter you are!
    keep up the good work.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  12. charmed2482
    Member

    Awesome.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  13. Lounger
    Member

    Jillian, that's excellent news! Must be so much easier, and more fun, with two of you having the same mindset.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  14. trillie
    Member

    Jillian, how nice to come back with such a good update! I'm happy for you, it must be so freeing :o)

    Posted 1 year ago #
  15. jbeany
    Member

    That's wonderful! Leading by example makes you feel fabulous, doesn't it? My sister gave me lots of encouragement in the right direction. Now that I'm well on my way, it's been fun for me to encourage one of my friends, too. It's fun to have both of them to talk to and share success stories with.
    I still have one friend who is knee-deep in things, and has no intention of changing. I've learned to just accept it, and not to tell her about what I've gotten rid of, since it bothers her to hear it. As the other posters said earlier, you can't change someone who isn't ready. Hopefully, though, your stepdad will see the improvements the uncluttering has brought, and will join you and your mother.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  16. chacha1
    Member

    Jillian, very good to hear from you with such an encouraging update. Getting your space in order = getting your head in order, a good place to be when embarking on life changes.

    Your mom probably looked around and thought, my little girl's about to start college, is this what I want to be left with when she moves on? You are to be commended for setting a good example for your mom and for taking such a positive, constructive approach.

    Posted 1 year ago #
  17. Jillian
    Member

    The house looks so much nicer, and my mom is actually much happier too. She actually has a place to herself now in the living room. It's free of toys and other young-child things (I think I forgot to mention I also have a four year-old sister), and she goes there to read and relax now. She's also stopped bringing random things home from work all the time too, which is refreshing. Unfortunately, my step-dad is one who has a very bad "just in Case" attitude, so getting his help is going to be extremely challenging. He has all sorts of things and tools for "projects" that he's either never started or never finished and likely never will due to the fact that he sits on the computer for most of his free time. We're working though!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  18. Claycat
    Member

    This is great news Jillian! Congratulations! You are a good catalyst for your family!

    Posted 1 year ago #
  19. needtocleanhouse
    Member

    Very wonderful Jillian! I agree with all that you can't change another, only yourself; but sometimes when you do others change in response to your changes. I am glad your change was the catalyst for your mom. There's a book called "Stuff" that talks about dealing with clutterers (other than ourselves).

    Posted 1 year ago #
  20. Jillian
    Member

    Sorry to bring this thread back into existence, but I thought I'd just update my current situation. I moved out of my mother's house and in with my dad. The environment was just toxic (emotionally), and I needed out of there. My mom had gotten the house mostly clean which was good, but the problems transcended the clutter. Moving in with my dad was the only solution I saw, so I did.

    Since I waited to learn to drive, I'm doing that now before pursuing a job or further schooling. My dad works from 2PM to 11PM, so I'm alone most of the day. I've taken to cleaning and doing laundry and cooking, and just generally keeping the house in order since my dad works so hard. It's a lot less stressful, and I'm a whole lot happier. My dad appreciates that I take care of the house too.

    Posted 1 year ago #

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