Unitasker Wednesday: Jonny Glow

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

My wife and I live in a rural home on a dirt road with no street lights. Most of our neighbors are “summer people,” meaning their houses are empty for eight or nine months out of the year. All this to say that, when the sun goes down, it gets dark. This can make it difficult to, among other things, find the bathroom at night. Fortunately, Jonny Glow is prepared to light the way!

Meant to “help you see where you are going,” Jonny Glow adheres to the inside of the bowl and is powerful enough to “glow all night.” You can buy one or even a five-pack if you’ve got a large home with several bathrooms. Sure, you could simply install a nightlight or just turn on a light, but whatever. Plus, I bet it really freaks out the cat.

Of course, if you’re the DIY type you easily make your own! Buy a roll of glowing tape, as is often used in theaters, and save a few bucks. Plus, 30 feet of tape should let you do just about every toilet, kitty litter box, doggie door in the house.

Unitasker Wednesday: Leifheit 37200 Cherrymat Cherrystone Remover

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not much of a fan of cherries (that is unless they’re candied and slathered in chocolate or soaked in maraschino liqueur, because those types of cherries are tolerable). Until I had children, I didn’t even own a cherry pitter — no need for one. Then, last spring, my then-three-year-old son declared that he loved cherries and that he wanted to eat “all the cherries in the world.” So, like mothers tend to do when their kids express eagerness about eating fresh fruit when it’s in season, I tried my best to buy all the cherries and also picked up a $15 cherry pitter to make the process of eating a cherry less troublesome for the kid.

The device is quite simple to use and I even made a few cherry pies at the start of the summer (humming the atrocious “Cherry Pie” song the entire time, no thanks to Warrant). It’s small, it does what it needs to do, it can also be used on olives, and in May of this year I started regularly using it again when cherries came back into season.

Seeing as there is this totally useful, small device that has existed for hundreds of years to effectively remove pits from cherries, you can imagine my amazement (horror?) when I came across this monstrosity — the Leifheit 37200 Cherrymat Cherrystone Remover

Oh my goodness, this thing is huge. Unless you own an enormous bakery or restaurant, I don’t know why anyone would sacrifice so much storage space for a cherry pitter. It does the exact same thing as the smaller model — one at a time pit removal — at about the same speed but at more than double the price ($40). And it’s not alone, the Norpro Deluxe Cherry Pitter is almost as large. There is an entire market of giant cherry pit removers!

With any product you choose to keep in your home, you should ask yourself if it’s worth the storage space (and for a seasonal product like this, you have to consider at least nine months of storage each year without any use). Specifically, a giant cherry pitter is likely not worth it, especially when there is a significantly smaller product that does the exact same thing with the same amount of effort. Or, if you’re like me and don’t like cherries, owning the smaller cherry pitter might not even be worth the storage space. It’s good to think about the items you already own and about anything you are considering purchasing — do you need the Leifheit 37200 Cherrymat Cherrystone Remover when a less expensive and smaller handheld cherry pitter will completely meet your needs? You’ll have to make the call, but it’s something to consider. Your space, time, and money are limited — are you okay with making these tradeoffs in pursuit of the life you desire? Only you know the answer.

Unitasker Wednesday: Multicolor Ocean Wave Light Projector

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Do you like to dream you’re drowning and then wake up in a total panic because it actually looks and sounds like you are immersed in water? If so, I have the perfect thing for you! The Multicolor Ocean Wave Light Projector:

As for me, I don’t find the sensation of drowning to be “an enjoyable experience,” as the product description suggests. I also don’t find drowning to be “an atmosphere of calm.” The phrases I would use to describe the conditions of being under water would be “anxiety causing” and “unimaginably terrifying.” And the phrase I would use to describe the sounds of running water coming out of the device’s speakers would be “probably pee inducing.”

Unitasker Wednesday: Unicorn Sprinkles Shaker

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

If ever something were to come out of a unicorn’s tushy, sprinkles would best be suited for the task. However, I’m not really sure something should come out of a unicorn’s tushy …

The Unicorn Sprinkles Shaker:

Although super cute, I do have a number of logistical concerns about this product. My biggest problem is that it’s not sealable. When not in use, moisture and air can get in and degrade your sprinkles (or jimmies, if you’re from the small part of the US that uses that term). Small bugs and dust can also get into the container and contaminate your sugary confection. A storage container for candy that doesn’t seal when not in use is a really bad idea.

Looking at the second image above, it appears the unicorn’s derriere has atrocious accuracy. There are wasted sprinkles strewn all over that table top. Wasted sprinkles?! Shame on you, Unicorn Sprinkles Shaker! Shame. On. You.

Next, you can’t see the sprinkles in the unicorn’s guts and legs to know how many sprinkles you have left or what kind you’re going to get before you shake the unicorn’s backside over your cupcake or ice cream sundae. No one wants to be surprised by the wrong type of sprinkles (and the wrong ones are obviously the hard, solid sugar ones with no chocolate — the chocolate makes them yummylicious).

In our house, we have one container with six sorted colors of sprinkles — red, yellow, blue, green, pink, and orange — because sometimes my son only wants green and on KU game days I only want red and blue. And, there is no way I’m going to stand and sort out all the single colors of sprinkles from the herd. (All the single sprinkles, all the single sprinkles.) To meet our needs, we would need six Unicorn Sprinkles Shakers, one for each color, and that is simply ridiculous.

Oh, Unicorn Sprinkles Shaker, you’re adorable but wholly unhelpful and would quickly become clutter in a kitchen cupboard.

(Swell. Now I have the My Little Pony theme song AND “Single Ladies” stuck in my head. Thanks, Unicorn Sprinkles Shaker.)

Unitasker Wednesday: Garnish Ribbon Curl Cutter

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Did you read The Dark Materials series of books? I ask because this week’s unitasker instantly made me think of those books. If you didn’t read the series, there is a group of people in it called the Tartars and they’re into drilling holes into people’s skulls. (Doing so lets in “dust,” which is part of the plot and very disturbing.) Now that you’re well versed in the Tartars and their obsession with trepanation, you see the connection between the unitasker and the story, too, I bet. HOW COULD YOU NOT?!! The Garnish Ribbon Curl Cutter:

This device is crazy scary. I know it says it’s for ribbon curling carrots, but that is not what it looks like it is used for. This thing is a weapon! How is it even sold on Amazon?! If my parents would have had one of these growing up, I never would have gone into the kitchen. It’s terrifying.

MAYBE a fancy restaurant would have need for something like this, but they would need to keep it under lock and key for obvious reasons. This may just be the scariest looking unitasker we’ve ever featured.

Whatever you do, don’t let any kids see this post. Gah!

Unitasker Wednesday: The Spiralizer

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Although I don’t own a food processor, I can see why people do. With all the various blade attachments, they can do everything from finely chopping nuts to creating julienne and ribbon cut vegetables to mixing pie doughs. They grate cheese and mix dry ingredients superbly. Most of my friends use theirs to make fresh and fancy baby foods and curly fries for their kids. I’ve even seen models that have blender attachments. Food processors are great multitasking appliances if you have the space for them in your kitchen.

What is not a great multitasking appliance is this week’s unitasker selection, The Spiralizer:

The Spiralizer is for all those times you only want to cut your vegetables into neat looking ribbons. Which, unless you have some kind of specialty restaurant that exclusively serves ribbon-cut vegetables, I assume would be pretty rarely used in the average home. But, let’s say your kid will only eat ribbon-cut vegetables for some reason (mine only eats carrots that are julienned, so I get it), for the amount of space it takes up, I’d just get a food processor that ribbon-cuts vegetables and also does so many more things — this single-purpose device is enormous:

(In comparison, the Vegetable Twister Garnish Processing Device unitasker looks downright tiny.)

I like the name, though: The Spiralizer. It sounds like a futuristic or alien weapon. Marvin the Martian would most certainly have a Spiralizer!

Unitasker Wednesday: Lighted Party Fountain Beverage Set

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

My freshman year of high school I was invited to a party at a senior’s house. (A SENIOR’s house!) It wasn’t one of those high school parties like you see portrayed in movies with kegs of beer and loud music and kids being out of control. This was a party where we dressed up in semi-formal wear and talked about MIT’s Morris computer virus and Benazir Bhutto’s election. I was one of only a handful of freshmen who had been invited and the only reason my parents let me go was because my parents knew the host’s parents. It was amazing and I felt so cool to be at a real party talking to upperclassmen.

That is, I felt super cool until an hour into the party when things went horribly wrong. Okay, so “horribly” is hyperbolic, but at the time it felt like the BIGGEST social mistake of the century. While serving myself punch out of a bowl, I shattered the crystal ladle. It was the host’s mother’s family heirloom — and I had ruined it. Silence spread across the party and then for the entire rest of the night it was a thing. I was now the clumsy girl (who felt immensely guilty) who was not to be trusted near anything breakable. And it stayed a thing for the rest of the school year. “Want me to hold that book for you, Erin? Wouldn’t want you to break it!” In fact, I occasionally talk to the guy who threw that party, and it is still a thing. More than thirty years of history has been shared between the two of us, but breaking a ladle is my legacy. Swell.

So, when I saw this week’s unitasker, my heart did a little spin. If only the senior had served the punch in one of these! My reputation would be unstained! The ladle would not be broken and I would not be known as the girl who breaks things!

Actually, who am I kidding, I am ridiculously clumsy. Had he used one of these monstrosities, I would have broken the whole thing and made an even bigger mess. The incident would have been similarly disastrous to the segment on Sesame Street with the uncoordinated baker who repeatedly falls down the stairs. I’d have been a complete outcast for all of high school instead of simply the clumsy girl. I’ll stick with the reputation I have.

Except for people with irrational fears of breaking ladles, I’m not really sure why any normal person would need this enormous beverage contraption with a light display in a “dazzling array of colors.” Caterers — maybe — might wish to infect a large group of people with whatever germ is making its rounds and use it as patient zero for wedding receptions or anniversary parties. But, let’s be honest, the average person isn’t sitting down to a Wednesday night family dinner wishing he could drink punch sprayed out of a 3-tier electrical device to accompany his mashed potatoes and meatloaf. At most, an average person might find reason to pull this out of storage on five or six occasions over the course of a lifetime. Renting a device like this for the rare times you would use it would save money and considerable storage space. It’s one of those things you don’t want to own but wouldn’t mind borrowing from a friend … now to just find a friend who loves buying unitaskers …

Heck, I just realized you can’t even use this device with punch that has rainbow sherbet in it — which we all know is the BEST kind of punch! Why even serve punch if it’s not rainbow sherbet punch?! ‘Tis a no-tasker after all!

Unitasker Wednesday: Potato Express

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Have you ever wondered how adorable a potato would look in a sleeping bag? Wonder no longer! Introducing the cutie-patootie Potato Express:

They look precious, don’t they? They are all snuggled up, ready for a night out under the stars. Darling little spuds! Snuggly wuggly wittle ‘taters!

What’s that? The Potato Express isn’t a sleeping bag for potatoes? You say they’re a steam bag for cooking potatoes in the microwave? Way to rain on my parade, especially since all you need to steam potatoes in the microwave is a plate and bowl. Put plate in microwave, poke a few holes in a potato with a fork, set potato on plate, rest inverted bowl over potato, close microwave door, run microwave on high for necessary time (in our current microwave this is five minutes, in our previous microwave it was seven), open microwave door, using oven mitts remove the bowl from over the potato, take cooked potato on plate out of microwave, and eat potato.

But, as a sleeping bag for potatoes, it sure looks cuddly!

Unitasker Wednesday: Mystical creature meat

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Try your best not to think too intently about if this week’s unitasker selection is truly a unitasker. If you do, you’ll realize it’s in the same realm as the stuffed animals in your child’s room, and the utility of those items is either very high or very low based on an exact moment in time. But, these are funny and don’t hold much purpose beyond keeping us all entertained through this post.

Introducing Canned Unicorn Meat:

Canned Unicorn Meat

and Canned Dragon Meat:

Canned Dragon Meat

You dislodge the bottom of the container to discover a disarticulated stuffed animal inside:

Stuffed Unicorn Carcass

“Magic in every bite!” Heh.

And, speaking of unicorns, this inflatable unicorn horn for your cat is sure to upset your cat for days to come. (The look on the cat’s face in the image at the destination of that link says it all.)

Unitasker Wednesday: Taco Truck

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Who among us doesn’t love a good play on words? I mean, word games are fun — especially when they go from being a cute spoken joke to being molded plastic you can buy to take up space in your kitchen! Thanks, Taco Truck, for going the distance:

Real thanks go to reader Miranda for sharing this unitasker with us.

Unitasker Wednesday: Flower Pot Bristle Brush

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Each business and organization has its own culture — a mix of personalities and traditions and guidelines, which give the work environment a distinct feel. Since not all of the Unclutterer team works out of our main office, our culture is more collegial than authoritarian and we mostly communicate online. And, when I used the word collegial just then, I meant we spend a lot of time talking about kids and board games and furry friends and laundry and cool stuff we find online.

One of my favorite things about the Unclutterer team is that we all seem to have an eye for spotting unitaskers. “I have no idea what this is” is a common subject line on emails I receive. I get a few each week and I’m always giddy to open up the messages. For instance, this week’s selection was in one of these email exchanges, the Flower Pot Bristle Brush:

While people in other jobs are emailing coworkers about memos and reports, here at Unclutterer we’re discussing the difficult topics like Flower Pot Bristle Brushes. Our interactions cover vital topics as:

It’s a special brush to specifically fit inside a 5″-diameter flower pot. And, the fact that it fits inside just one size flower pot is a red flag, but in theory you could use it on larger flower pots instead of buying other brushes for your larger pots. So, it’s not the size that makes it a unitasker, though certainly something to consider.

Next, it was decided a brush to only clean flower pots isn’t what pushes it into the unitasker category, either. Although, you could easily use any other general purpose bristle brush for the same task and other tasks. You could also use a rag. General purpose bristle brushes and rags are multi-tasking wonders in comparison to a brush made just for cleaning flower pots.

Finally, what convinced us that this brush exists in the realm of unitasker-dom is the fact that its entire purpose — cleaning flower pots — is not something most people do. Flower pots, at their very core, should be dirty since they hold dirt. You buy flower pots and put dirt and plants in them and then throw out the pots when they break. If a plant that was in a flower pot dies, you remove the dead plant, add some more dirt, and put in a healthy new plant. Maybe, if the dirt was the wrong kind of dirt (say it was good for ornamental flowers but not for vegetables) you would remove one type of dirt, tap the bottom of the pot to shake out remaining dirt, and then put in a new type of dirt. In this case, you’re just doing a dirt exchange so cleaning isn’t necessary. But, as stated in the previous paragraph, if you do come up with some need to clean a flower pot like you’re worried about fertilizer contamination or something in a terra cotta pot (not an issue with plastic pots), multi-purpose rags or general purpose brushes along with a swirl of vinegar would certainly do the job and you don’t need to own a single-purpose brush for cleaning your flower pots. (But seriously, what weekend gardener cleans flower pots so often as to need such a specific brush?)

Oh how I love the conversations I get to have with the Unclutterer team. I’m so thankful this is as tough as it gets.

Unitasker Wednesday: The Single Handed Barber

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

I’ve been doing a little brainstorming and I’ve come up with a couple new taglines for this week’s featured product. My suggestions are: “when the Flowbee is too highfalutin for you” or “it’s a Roomba for your head — now with sharp blades!” Introducing The Single Handed Barber:

It’s a hair trimmer for the small portion of the population who wears a buzz cut, hates going to the barber for a $7 trim, only wants to use products that reference just one hand, and doesn’t already own a much more versatile Wahl Trimmer. Which, and I’m sure this can be backed up by science or math or that thing called statistics, is exactly four people.

A regular trimmer can be used for all different lengths of hair, your beard, your mustache, and on your dog. A regular trimmer also allows you to create multiple styles by having shorter hair on the back and sides of your head and longer hair on top. I’m going to guess that a regular trimmer will also last longer and have a better product warranty. Plus, you can use a regular trimmer with two hands if you want to and you won’t feel like you’re betraying an odd product name.

I’m so sad there isn’t an infomercial for The Single Handed Barber. I’d love to see the distress clips of men flubbing up their hair.

More Fun! Architect and industrial designer Katerina Kamprani of KK Studio in Greece has an incredibly fun gallery of totally useless items she has created called The Uncomfortable. Kamprani says she “decided to create and design for all the wrong reasons. Vindictive and nasty? Or a helpful study of everyday objects? The goal is to re-design useful objects making them uncomfortable but usable and maintain the semiotics of the original item.” Whatever the reason, the objects are quite entertaining. She even has a Facebook page you can like to keep up with her latest Uncomfortable additions.