Archives for Unitasker Wednesday
Unitasker Wednesday: Rollie Eggmaster
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
Back in April, I watched Stephen Colbert satirize the Rollie Eggmaster on his program. (That link to Colbert’s show may not be appropriate for all viewers, especially if you’re averse to pooping chickens. If you’re not averse to pooping chickens and have a few minutes to laugh, it’s classic Colbert.) After I stopped snickering, I knew I had to introduce our audience to the amazing, wonderful, unitasker-riffic Rollie Eggmaster:
Irrespective of if you watched the Colbert piece or not, the Rollie has an infomercial that is worth viewing in its entirety. The people cooking in the beginning of the ad have clearly NEVER cooked before, and then half-way through the whole ad derails with all sorts of ridiculous suggestions for where and how to use the Rollie Eggmaster:
But wait, there’s more! The Rollie Eggmaster now comes in multiple colors:
You can buy one for each season and to match the decor in every room of your house! They’re only $40 a piece.
Wow. Just wow. Thank you, Stephen Colbert and Rollie Eggmaster for giving us all such a hearty laugh.
Unitasker Wednesday: Fat Magnet
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
When I began receiving emails from readers nominating the Fat Magnet for our Unitasker feature, I was a bit nervous to follow the links. I feared some sort of bullying might be transpiring or not-so-family-friendly content was on the other end. Alas, there was neither bullying nor unseemly mature content, only an incredibly ineffective unitasker. Introducing the Fat Magnet:
When I finally followed the links, my understanding of the periodic table of elements set off my dubious detector about this device that is supposed to skim fat off foods. This “magnet” is not a magnet. It is made of aluminum and aluminum is a non-ferrous metal and not magnetic. (The only way you’ll get a real magnet to stick to a ball of aluminum foil is if you involve tape or glue.) Also, fat is not magnetic. Fats are lipids, and unless the animal you plan to eat had itself consumed a ridiculous amount of ferromagnetic metals over its lifetime (and I mean a lethal amount of iron, nickel, and/or cobalt), that fat won’t have any way of being magnetic. (Don’t believe me? Try sticking a refrigerator magnet to the meat you just cooked. How’d that work out for you?)
In theory, the Fat Magnet is supposed to work by drawing fats in liquids to the cold surface of the “magnet.” In scientific terms, this process is called solidifying. It’s hoping to turn liquid fats back into solids, and then get those solids to coagulate onto the cold “magnet.” If the liquid you’re working with isn’t especially hot, you can usually do this simply by dipping a spoon into ice water and then skimming the back of it along the top of the liquid. The slightly warmer fat usually sticks to the colder spoon. You have to repeatedly stick the spoon in the ice water, though, as the warmer liquid will warm up the spoon and make this process completely unhelpful. I’m more of a fan of just using a spoon to stir the liquid and create a bit of a whirlpool. This quick stirring pushes the heavier fat toward the edge of the pan (centrifugal force) and I just skim off the fat from the edges of the pan. Irrespective of the method, neither requires you to need something other than a spoon … which you already own.
Save your money and disappointment and reduce fat in your foods by consuming less meat or cooking only lean cuts of meat or trying one of the spoon techniques I previously described. Honestly, though, fat is often the most yummy part of meat as it is what gives it a rich, buttery flavor. Imagine bacon or pork belly without their delicious fat … well, I don’t even want to think about how depressing that would taste …
Thanks go to the dozens of amazing readers who tipped us off to the Fat Magnet.
Unitasker Wednesday: Fruit and Vegetable Twister Garnish Processing Device
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
Whenever I sit down to have some fruit or vegetables, my first thought is often, “I bet these nutritious foods would taste better if they were thinly cut and curly.” Because, let’s all be honest with ourselves, curly foods just taste better. If it’s a choice between a carrot that can be dipped into hummus or ranch dressing and a thinly cut, curly mound of carrot shavings — you want the carrot that is decorative! Those of us who are willing to admit our desire for curly fruits and vegetables, we thankfully now have the Fruit and Vegetable Twister Garnish Processing Device to make it all possible:
And the Amazon reviews really sell it:
Do not buy!
Is not functional product …
A little flimsy, have to be careful not to break it
That last quote, by the way, is from the only 4 star “positive” review of the device.
Seriously, if you really do desire vegetable garnishes, let me recommend a sturdy, quality product that will take up less space in your kitchen drawers and you can use it on any non-mushy fruit and vegetable (unlike the item above, which would crush most everything besides tubers) — the Julienne Peeler by Kuhn Rikon. It’s also extremely simple to clean and is what professional cooks use in restaurant kitchens. I’m not sure why you would need one at home, but if you do, please leave the plastic doodad off your shopping list and go with a functional, useful version instead.
Thanks go to reader Kerrie for sharing the Fruit and Vegetable Twister Garnish Processing Device with us. (Even its name is unnecessarily long and cluttered!) It is genuinely a unitasker.
Unitasker Wednesday: Piggy Wiggy Bacon Fresh Pod
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
This week’s unitasker selection is one of those items that I’m shocked we haven’t featured before. It is so obviously a unitasker that I don’t know how we have failed to mention it, or a similar product, until now. Thanks go out to reader Tabetha for showing us the error of our ways.
For your enjoyment at last, the Piggy Wiggy Bacon Fresh Pod:
This is a device (technically, a “pod”) to hold raw bacon. It’s not for cooking bacon in the microwave or anything fancy like that, it’s just for storing raw bacon. Honestly, I don’t even know where you can buy bacon not in a wrapper. Are there guys in back alleys selling unwrapped bacon on the black market? There must be, because every time I’ve bought bacon legally in grocery stores or from butchers, it has come in some type of wrapper worthy enough of storage until I cook the bacon. And, basic science has taught all of us that taking raw foods out of their wrappers increases the likelihood of introducing bacteria, therefore we know to keep bacon in its original wrapper until we cook it. Then, even if you aren’t going to eat the entire lot of bacon all in one setting (which is IMPOSSIBLE), it’s safest to cook up all of the bacon and refrigerate the cooked bacon instead of continuing to store it raw. Which means, unless you’re someone who buys shady raw bacon that doesn’t come wrapped in plastic or butcher paper from guys in sketchy vans, this device is totally a waste of space and money for you.
Another thing, according to the Amazon reviews, this cutie device is actually too short to keep a strip of bacon and you have to scrunch up the raw bacon to get it to fit. Which, well, doesn’t seem helpful or sanitary. On the plus side, after you store your raw bacon and then cook it, you can serve it on this bacon tray. So, there’s that. (Speaking of cooking, I prefer to bake bacon, as it is crispier and creates less mess than frying. Yum, bacon.)
Enough about bacon — if you need a break from the struggles of your day, enjoy this Wall Street Journal piece about humorous product reviews on Amazon.com: “These Amazon Products Are No Joke, But the Online Reviews Are.”
Unitasker Wednesday: Boys Time-Out Chair
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
Each parent has a different style when it comes to discipline. This isn’t a post about the merits of those styles, but rather a mocking of an item that I believe is supposed to be used with the 1-2-3 Magic time-out method. In short, the discipline system boils down to a parent counting to three, and then a child earning a time out if she fails to comply with a request.
If you read up on the 1-2-3 Magic method, the time-out is supposed to take place in the kid’s room if the discipline occurs at home. I guess some furniture designers don’t think an entire room is punishment enough, so they have invented a specific chair to put in a kid’s room just for time outs — the Boys Time-Out Chair:
First, why in the world would someone need a specialized chair just for time outs? What is wrong with a kid’s room like the method suggests? Or all the other chairs in a person’s house? Or a spot on the floor? Or the stairs?
Second, and this seems to be a thing with me lately, why does a kid need a gender specific time-out chair? Can’t a kid just have a plain chair that isn’t painted with stereotypical gender items? If you have multiple kids of different genders, are you expected to buy two chairs? Or do girls just never need time outs?
Third, with “time out” emblazoned on it and a child mentally associating it with punishments, a kid isn’t going to use this chair for anything else, ever. I don’t have any evidence to support this claim, but my guess is that a kid will develop a fear of chairs of similar shape and size as this one and quite possibly need counseling for the phobia later in life.
Finally, as far as time-out chairs go (and, there are surprisingly a lot of them on the market) this Boys Time-Out Chair is the bottom of the barrel in comparison to a sand filled hourglass time-out stool you can build yourself. At least that stool serves the function of being a really cool game timer once your kid outgrows time outs as a punishment. From time-out stool to world’s largest egg timer! Weird, but at least a multitasker.
Thanks to reader Samantha for sharing this unitasker with us.
Unitasker Wednesday: Seed-Out
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
Warning: This week’s product manufacturer states in all of their marketing materials that their plastic device “will blow your mind with its simplicity and effectiveness!” So if your mind blows out of your head, we want you to know that we are not liable but that we will miss your readership. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!
Okay, ready for what is going to blow your mind? Here it is, the Seed-Out:
I don’t know how you are still reading this since your mind has been blown. I’m truly impressed that what looks like a plastic dog bowl did not cause your brain to blast through your skull. You must be desensitized to things that are simple and effective. I commend you, whatever your super human powers are.
The Seed-Out is a device that helps you to remove seeds from a pomegranate. It’s based on the method Martha Stewart uses for removing pomegranate seeds easily from their membranes. You slice off the tiniest sliver of the bottom of a pomegranate, score the skin, break it in half (don’t cut through it or you’ll nick the seeds and cause them to explode), and then beat the pomegranate with the back of a spoon to extracate the seeds into a bowl. Instead of using your hand to hold the pomegranate while you whack it the way Martha does, this device allows you to set the pomegranate down on it. Why yes, you could simply place a cooling rack you already own over a bowl and set the pomegranate on the rack if you didn’t want to use your hand and avoid having to buy the Seed-Out … but details, details.
I hope this device didn’t actually blow your mind the way the product description said it would. That would be horrible. And, thanks to reader Spud for recommending this unitasker to us.
Unitasker Wednesday: Baby tooth organizer
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
The Tooth Fairy is a vital figure in American culture, as she engages in transactions with children to get rid of the baby teeth that have fallen out of their mouths. That’s the deal — she pays kids for the teeth they SELL to her. I’m a little fuzzy on the facts about what she does with the teeth once she buys them out from under kids’ pillows, but that is irrelevant. She’s not benevolent like Santa Claus; she’s a business woman.
Since the Tooth Fairy takes teeth away, there is absolutely no need in the entire universe for the Baby Tooth Flapbook:
In other parts of the world where the Tooth Fairy doesn’t do business, kids usually throw their baby teeth into the sky or bury them in the ground. Either way, the teeth are NOT saved. There is no need to keep baby teeth because no one is ever going to have use for them after they fall out nor will they display them. (Oh, I so hope no one displays them!)
Another peculiarity about this specific Baby Tooth Flapbook organizer is that it has a blue version for boys and a pink version for girls. Is this because gender is important when preserving baby teeth? How?! HOW IS GENDER IMPORTANT?!!!
Oh, and it’s not just this one company making baby teeth organizers. No, no, no, no, no. There are MORE. Like the Baby Tooth Memory Book and the Toothfairy Keepsake Gift (which stores the teeth in a creepy mouth shape and is advertised with the phrase “What a keepsake!”). Why do so many companies want to take business away from the Tooth Fairy? Let kids get paid for their teeth! Let kids engage in the economy!
Thanks to reader Debbie for sharing this disturbing unitasker with us. Well, I think I’m thankful. If I have nightmares tonight I might rescind my position on that appreciation.
Unitasker Wednesday: Egg Dispenser
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
In 2013, the majority of us get our eggs from the grocery store or a local farmers market. We don’t have hen houses in our yards where we go to collect eggs (from evil, evil chickens … oh, how I hate collecting eggs from chickens). And, the few people (brave souls) who do have hens that lay eggs, they likely use a wire egg basket when picking up the eggs (and a good stiff broom to lift up the chickens and let them peck the handle while grabbing the eggs beneath). Wire egg baskets are nice because they let things like grass and chicken feathers fall off the eggs while walking between the hen house and the human house. (Sometimes, those eggs even have chicken poop on them because chickens are disgusting in addition to being evil. Oh, chickens, I raise my fist in your general direction!)
Anyone who has ever raised chickens (again, a brave soul) also knows that eggs don’t have to be refrigerated if you’re going to eat them the day they’re collected. The only eggs that need to be cooled are those that are going to be stored for a longer period of time. And, those of us who keep eggs for more than a couple days, we are usually the folks who are buying our eggs at the store. Want to know what is cool about buying eggs at the store or farmers market? The eggs come in an awesome recyclable container! You get the 12 eggs AND the biodegradable container with your purchase. It’s an amazing deal.
Therefore, knowing what we all do about eggs and (truly evil) chickens, you can understand my confusion about the existence of the Egg Dispenser:
One of the wonderful features about the container that comes with each purchase of a dozen eggs is that this container protects the eggs in your refrigerator. It’s like a force field keeping your eggs safe. Those eggs don’t need any extra protection — they already have it!
Plus, leaving the eggs in the container they were purchased in saves you time and money. You don’t waste your time taking your eggs out of one container to put them into a second container that does the exact same thing as the first container. Also, you don’t waste your money on a container exactly like the one you get for free with your egg purchase.
In summary, chickens are horrible creatures. Oh, wait, I mean the Egg Dispenser is a unitasker.
Unitasker Wednesday: True Mirror
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
This week’s unitasker will (not) amaze you! This week’s unitasker will (not) blow your mind! This week’s unitasker is the $200 True Mirror:
The True Mirror is a (not) exciting black box with two mirrors set next to each other at a 90º angle! For $200!
I (don’t) know why you would want such a thing, as the product description says you want it so you can “See yourself with vibrancy and beauty-your natural self.” I guess it’s possible that the resourceful among you could hang two $15 mirrors in a corner of your home or just snap a quick digital picture of yourself with your cell phone to get the same inverted reflection — but why would you do that when you could spend $200 on this?!
Unitasker Wednesday: 2-in-1 iPotty
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
After we featured the iPad stand and toilet paper roll holder unitasker back in mid-February, I got a Facebook message from my friend Linley explaining that I had failed to show all of you CTA’s “best” iPad product — the CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad:
She was right, I had failed you all. And, I’m sorry for not presenting the iPotty at the same time. This was such an egregious oversight on my part. Because, I missed one of the most special unitaskers of our time.
So, today, I rectify this wrong. I present what is one of the worst product ideas I can possibly imagine — a device that puts a $400 (or more) digital product near the stream of pee (and, you know what else) of a toddler just learning to use the potty. It also requires mom or dad to have an iPad available EVERY time the child uses the potty because no child will ever go to the potty without it there once he knows it’s an option. For the rest of the child’s life, she will want a digital device with her when she uses the potty. And … ewwwwww!
Sure, it’s technically a multitasker. But, as was the case with the adult version the iPad stand and toilet paper roll holder, since our only criteria for picking unitaskers is: “Does it make us laugh?” It, technically, qualifies. This is one funny (and very, very bad idea) product.
Unitasker Wednesday: Baby Butt Fan
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
Sadly, I have deleted the email from the reader who sent this week’s unitasker selection to us and cannot give proper credit to him or her. However, that individual is due ample credit for leading us to the Baby Butt Fan:
New parents are so often the target of excessive product marketing. But, as any parent who has raised a child from infancy can tell you, so many of those products are unnecessary. And, as is the case of the Baby Butt Fan, the products are often more hassle than they are worth.
I’m confused by the product makers who believe new parents can’t figure out how to fan their child’s rump with a clean diaper or use a dry cloth to wipe her down. Because, let’s be honest, if a new parent can’t figure out one of those two tricks I highly doubt they would be able to keep charged batteries in this device and have it with them every time they change their child’s diaper.
Thanks, again, to whomever it was who led us to this very special unitasker.
Unitasker Wednesday: Disposable Plane Sheets
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
I’m all in favor of hand washing and taking reasonable measures to reduce the spread of unwanted germs. However, there is a point where reasonable precaution slips into unnecessary obsession and has diminishing returns. This week’s unitasker selection is definitely in the unnecessary obsession category (at least for healthy individuals with functioning immune systems) — Disposable Plane Sheets:
These disposable (yes, disposable, it is part of the official product name) sheets are made for standard coach airline seats and cost around $20 a set when you include shipping. They are marketed to the general population, to protect everyone from the germs left behind by the people who previously sat on a plane seat. Sure, scientific researchers have found that germs don’t live more than a few minutes on fabric surfaces and that the arm rests (which this product doesn’t cover) are a larger (though still small) danger of germ transmission than an airline seat. And if you’re afraid of bedbugs or lice, nothing is stopping those critters from jumping off your neighbor’s seat and onto you just because you have a Disposable Plane Sheet. But, pffft, whatever, science.
If you’re unnecessarily afraid of germs on airline seats, just think of all the additional product possibilities you could buy — Subway sheets! Bus sheets! Train sheets! Passenger seat in your friend’s car sheets! Chair at the DMV sheets! Park bench sheets! Carousel horse sheets! Chair in the waiting room at your doctor’s office sheets!
Go broke buying seat sheets so your pants never again touch the same place as someone else’s pants!! Ahhhhhhh!
Thanks to Canadian reader N for directing us to this week’s unitasker selection.
Bonus: Reader CK found an incredibly amusing item in the potential food-product unitasker category — Powerful Yogurt for Men. We’re not convinced food can be a unitasker, but if it can, this one would certainly qualify. Too funny.
Unitasker Wednesday: Stainless Steel Stir Mug
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
You know those mornings when taking a spoon out of a kitchen drawer is just way too much to ask of you? Sure, you somehow have enough energy to make a pot of coffee, get a coffee mug out of the cupboard, take the gallon of milk out of the refrigerator, pour both coffee and milk into your mug, and return the coffee caraffe to the coffeemaker and the milk to the refrigerator — but retrieving a spoon is the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Whoa, Nelly, NOT A SPOON!
Well, for those mornings when using a spoon or swishing the contents of your mug around is just more than you can bear, there is the Stainless Steel Stir Mug:
What cracks me up most about this unitasker is that it supposes you are too lazy to stir your beverage with a spoon, yet somehow not too lazy to hand wash the electric mug, which is a requirement. You’re also not too lazy to constantly keep it powered with two AAA batteries. I’m not sure the creators of this device really had their target market properly identified.
Oh, and the fact that it doesn’t work with iced beverages is another strike against it. It’s sugar at the bottom of a glass of ice tea that bothers me more than any other mixed drink.
Thanks to reader Donna for introducing us to this wonderful unitasker.
Unitasker Wednesday: Stick Pet Toy
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
Fetch is a simple, yet mildly entertaining game you can play with a dog: you throw a stick, the dog runs to find it, the dog retrieves it, you throw the stick again, and you repeat the process until your dog is tired or bored. Most any stick you find in your yard or at the dog park will do, but you can also lob an old tennis ball if you’re interested in mixing things up a bit. The best part about playing fetch with a stick is that sticks are free and in hefty supply from nature, especially after a windy day. Noting this, you can see why a Stick Pet Toy seems, well, unitaskeriffic:
If your dog has a bad habit of eating sticks and suffering digestive issues afterward, I’m not sure a fake stick is a good alternative. Instead of eating bark, your dog would be eating stuffing, neoprene, neoprene fabric dye, thread — pretty much the equivalent of a SCUBA diver’s suit with fluff. Yummers.
It’s an $11 fake stick! Egads.
Thanks to reader Heidi for suggesting we feature fake sticks for pets — too funny.
Unitasker Wednesday: The CTA Digital Pedestal Stand for iPad with Roll Holder
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
First things first, this week’s unitasker selection is obviously a multi-tasker. (It holds your toilet paper AND your iPad!) And, if there were some sort of strict rules to how we select unitaskers, it likely wouldn’t qualify. But, since our only criteria for picking unitaskers is: “Does it make us laugh?” It, technically, qualifies … because we cannot stop laughing at the CTA Digital Pedestal Stand for iPad with Roll Holder:
It appears we have devolved so greatly as a society that we cannot use the toilet without also using a mobile device. Ew, ew, ew! Just ew! But, also, hahahaha!
Thank you, reader Adele, for sharing this with us and giving us all a good laugh.
