Unitasker Wednesday: The Locker Rocker

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

A long time ago, I went to high school. (True story. This awkward phase actually happened.)

Like most everyone who ever went to high school, I was issued a locker. It was a brown, metal, industrial, rectangle with a door that had been embedded in the wall of the school since before my grandmother had gone to school there. It was utilitarian and stuffed with books and notebooks and supplies and my coat and purse and about a thousand pony tail holders. It was not glamorous because it was a locker, not a night club, and I wasn’t an extra in a teen movie.

High school kids today, however, must either have enormous walk-in lockers or not need books or notebooks or supplies or a coat or purse or ponytail holders because the other day in The Container Store I saw this: A Locker Rocker.

Why?

Why would any student have need for a chandelier in his or her locker?

Are lockers really so large today that students require task lighting in these spaces?

Well, if a chandelier isn’t enough proof that lockers today must be the size of small cars, check out the locker rugs and locker wallpaper you can get to go with your chandelier. (I’m not making this up. Really, I’m not. Chandeliers and rugs and wallpaper.)

Kids must bring their contractors and interior designers with them on the first day of school.

10 Comments for “Unitasker Wednesday: The Locker Rocker”

  1. posted by Jacki Hollywood Brown on

    I wallpapered my locker in highschool but I never would have ever wanted one of these nor would I have had the space.

  2. posted by Lora Mohr on

    WE didn’t have room for this kind of nonsense because we had GIANT textbooks filling up the space. My children use a classroom set of textbooks at school, and keep their own set at home. They carry around a gigantic binder, a netbook, and a flash drive. The locker has an empty backpack, a coat, charging cords and lunch. –And if they bring home the stinky gym uniform…some empty space. Thinking about how overstimulated children might get anxious about empty space and want to fill it up with something bright and colorful.

  3. posted by Tiara on

    I had a very small shelf in mine, oh so many moons ago. We decorated the door with photos and images of Johnny Depp cut from Teen Beat and Seventeen. I can see how the rug and wallpaper would be cool these days, but chandelier does seem to take up a lot of valuable space.

  4. posted by Pwassonne on

    I’m pretty sure these things wouldn’t have been allowed in my high school (in junior high we actually had to share lockers, and in high school proper too, but there was a way to work around this XD).
    I like the idea of decorating one’s locker, though. I would have liked to have this tiny bit of personal space in the hostile jungle that is/was high school. XD

  5. posted by Leslie on

    Most of the schools around here no longer have lockers. They are still there, but are chained shut. Students have a set of classroom books and a home set and they are expected to cart everything else around with them. For those who take PE, they do have a locker (ok a drawer) for their use during the week, but it’s to be emptied on weekends and the lock removed. Failure to do so will see the lock cut off, their possessions removed and they can pick them up (along with buying a new lock) in the coaches’ office on Monday.

  6. posted by Julie Bestry on

    FWIW, I don’t know that I would have bought one for myself, but if I had a kid who wanted one, I think it’s kind of fun. It’s no more necessary than earrings (which I don’t wear), but if it’s enjoyable self-expression, I’m more than cool with it.

    Our high school lockers were tall enough that during warmer-weather months (when we didn’t have to accommodate boots, heavy coats or parkas, scarves, hats and gloves), there was a lot of extra space beyond what we accorded for books and supplies. In middle school, we had claustrophobic top-and-bottom lockers, but in high school, the lockers were a good foot or more taller than I am, and wide enough that a slender person could fit (or be stuffed) inside. For reference, my grad school clothing closet was smaller than two high school lockers, side by side!

    This was 30+ years ago, but we all had DIY wooden shelves (well, done by a nearby wood shop that did them to order for everyone, because nobody in our suburb would have known where to get wood or possessed a saw) — this was before Staples and Target sold plastic locker shelves, and the girls all hung mirrors, wipe-off memo boards, small posters, photos and collages. I knew a few girls who had bead curtains, kind of like Rhoda Morgenstern had on her apartment upstairs from Mary and Greg Brady had in his attic room. (The boys seemed less adventurous — a few small posters and sports schedules.)

    If there had been tap-lights then, we’d have had them, and though we made our own faux wallpaper, most of had rugs (that we removed in winter, as our boots were still dripping with snow). It was a way to show a little self-expression in school, and I doubt anyone is using these for function, but for form. Necessary?

  7. posted by andrea on

    i 100% fully admit i would have bought this for myself in high school.

  8. posted by Elle on

    Yes, I think you’re being a bit harsh on this. Middle school especially these days is like boot camp, and if a kid wants a bit of self-expression on the inside of a locker, so be it. My daughter decorated her locker in middle school (5 years ago?), and then in high school never opened the one issued to her. Locker decorating is a middle school phase, a harmless phase.

  9. posted by Danielle on

    Teenagers really don’t have many outlets for self expression. While adults find themselves in piles of clutter, teens are not stakeholders in that clutter. Teen’s personal belongings are usually relegated to their room, closet, purse, backpack, and locker. Having some fun “clutter” in their space can make it feel more personal. I think sometimes that feeling of “personal” crosses over into ownership. When teens take ownership and pride in their belongings and spaces, they are more likely to take care of those spaces and stay more organized. As a teacher, I’m all for teens being more organized! If a chandelier in their locker can help with that, I’m all for it!

  10. posted by Kristine on

    My daughter has one, in white. It’s fun and provides some light. If she loses interest I may just put it up over the clothes washer. A far cry more useful than my neighbor’s Billy Bass. :)

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