Unitasker Wednesday: Nail Protection Clamps

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

Today’s Unitasker Wednesday post is a post you won’t want to miss. In this very special episode, or, uh, very special post, we’ll explore the serious issue of fingernail polish smudges.

This post diverges from our regular unitaskery tone, and parental discretion is advised.

Do you sometimes smudge your nail polish after you paint your fingernails? When you smudge your polish, do you experience physical pain or significant financial burden? Even though you just painted your nails, are you somehow rendered incapable of touching up the smudge because of a phobia or a deal you made with your grandmother on her deathbed where you promised to never touch up smudged nails? Do you have a compulsion with smudging up your nail polish when it’s wet and feel you are out of control? Do you long to look completely ridiculous after you paint your fingernails?

If you or someone you love answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time for you to have a confidential talk to your manicurist about Nail Protection Clamps:

These clamps, which look suspiciously like hair clamps with giant plastic fingernails attached to them, are intended to protect your nails from smudges. In all seriousness, no, really, I’m being serious. Very serious. Amazon reviewer Lainey points out the exact problem I imagined these would have when in use: “they’re 2-3 times the size of your nails so you’re 2-3 times as likely to hit them on something.” Right?! So instead of a ding, you then would have a giant smudge on your nails where the Nail Protection Clamp ruined your polish. Which means, you need a device to protect you from the Protection Clamps! Protection Clamps from your Protection Clamps! Ooooooh, I can already see another very special post in the works …

So, the moral of this very special post (all very special posts have moral lessons) is to stop inhaling nail polish fumes or something equally important and very valuable. Whatever the lesson, you should talk it over with your parents or call a hotline or learn more from your local library. Oh yes, you should definitely go to your local library to learn more about the serious issue of nail polish smudges.

Thanks to reader Magic for submitting this very special unitasker to us. It was very special.

19 Comments for “Unitasker Wednesday: Nail Protection Clamps”

  1. posted by Don on

    “Which means, you need a device to protect you from the Protection Clamps!”

    It’s turtles (with well-manicured feet) all the way down.

  2. posted by Liz E. on

    I would inevitably lose them….one by one….until I could only paint one nail at a time.

  3. posted by Brittany on

    But, wait. Once you get one hand’s worth of clamps on, how do you put the other hand’s on? Because wouldn’t the clamps get in the way? I’M SO CONFUSED.

  4. posted by CM on

    I am just waiting to see how people defend this one!

  5. posted by Sarah on

    I always look forward to Unitasker Wednesday, but this one has to be my all-time favorite. Oh, my.

  6. posted by NoAlias on

    It’s what the well-manicured zombie is wearing today!

  7. posted by Julie Bestry on

    I’m with CM — whomever can rationalize the worthiness of this product should be writing hourlong legal dramas for CBS.

  8. posted by Robin on

    When I first saw the picture, I thought they were itty bitty blown up baloons on the end of her fingers. Now THAT would protect your polish!!! LOLOLOL

  9. posted by ninakk on

    I second Brittany’s question.

  10. posted by Alix on

    Best. Unitasker. Ever.

  11. posted by Lisa on

    Or just use them to replace fingernail polish altogether. No need to polish! Just clamp these puppies onto your fingers and go!

  12. Profile photo of

    posted by Another Deb on

    The Idiocracy strikes again. OW! My manicure!

  13. posted by michele on

    Think they would work for my toe nails??

  14. posted by Alisa on

    I think this is the best unitasker I have seen. Unbelievable!

  15. posted by Anna on

    I want a set for my cat. Right now.

  16. posted by Shalin on

    Clearly, this is no unitasker – you can break out the set for great costumes!

    @Ana – haha! awesome idea!

  17. posted by DN on

    Aha, these things are gonna sell like hotcakes now for joke/ “white elephant” gifts! These aren’t even unitaskers, as they don’t even accomplish the one task! : )

  18. posted by Laetitia in Australia on

    I wonder how ridiculous the model felt wearing these – she probably took comfort in the fact that at least only her hand, not her face was used in the advert!

  19. posted by Rosanna on

    Thank you for recommending going to the library for information on this crucial topic. I have found our local library’s Nail Polish Smudge Reference Librarian to be most helpful and discreet.

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