Unitasker Wednesday: English Muffin Splitter

All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!

This week’s unitasker selection is so absurd that I fear anything I write about it won’t be as funny as the actual object. I’ll simply introduce you to the object and then you can have a good chuckle without my interference. The English Muffin Splitter:

Wowza, right?

But, jut in case someone is considering buying this doodad, here are a few alternatives to using the English Muffin Splitter that I came up with in less than a minute:

  1. Your fingers
  2. A sharp knife, or, heck, even a dull knife
  3. A pie server
  4. The handle of a spoon or fork
  5. The head of a spoon or fork
  6. A spatula
  7. The edge of a plate
  8. Any flat-ish, hard-ish object ever created
  9. Nothing — who cares if an English muffin isn’t evenly split?!

Thanks to the hoard of Unclutterer readers who found this object and emailed it to us. A terrific unitasker discovery!

31 Comments for “Unitasker Wednesday: English Muffin Splitter”

  1. posted by Abigail on

    Hmmm, I guess I could see that for a restaurant if they weren’t getting presplit ones. But for home use? That’s why we have forks.

  2. posted by Pete on

    Erin, totally not a unitasker.

    These would make an excellent makeshift set of spreader forceps for in home surgical procedures.

  3. posted by Claire on

    Wow, I am beyond speechless. Not by this gadget (which is totally ridiculous) but by the TWO PAGES of comments that people have posted on its page. At first I thought they were joking, but no they are dead serious. Apparently, this tool has solved all of their muffin tearing problems, and they are truly grateful! Holy macaroni, how has my life gone so badly wrong that I am wishing that a badly split muffin was my biggest problem?! Apparently for many people out there, it is. Well look at that, I wasn’t speechless after all, but seriously…who are these people??

  4. posted by Shalin on

    Awesomely ridiculous! :)

  5. Avatar of

    posted by mdfloyd on

    Wonder if they work on frozen bagels? Whenever I buy frozen bagels I have to remove them from the bag and cut them open, put them back in the bag, then into the freezer. Why they don’t just slice ‘em, I don’t know. And don’t get me started on “pre-sliced!” You either slice or you don’t!!!

  6. posted by CM on

    I sort of understand this. Cutting English muffins is not the same as splitting them, because it results in a different texture. And when I split them with a fork or by hand, I can never do it evenly and usually end up with a hole in the muffin, and then it toasts up unevenly with the part around the hole a little burnt. (This is not a joke. I am just an incompetent muffin-splitter.)

    I wouldn’t actually buy this, at least not for my current level of English muffin consumption. But I get it.

  7. posted by Lizzie on

    I used to HAVE an English muffin splitter. (It didn’t look like this one…many more prongs.) It came with a dozen bags of Wolferman’s English muffins (see the add on the right) as a housewarming present a couple of decades ago. (Wolferman’s was originally a Kansas City company and that’s where I’m from–we would stock up at the outlet.) When I made the switch to bagels I got rid of the splitter.

    And yes, the texture is lovely if you tear and don’t slice. So if you’re talking about something like Wolferman’s (which are a couple of inches thick), or homemade (which I’m guessing is the main audience for the King Arthur’s flour link) it’s not crazy. (And I’d sort of like to see someone split one with the edge of a plate.)

    And now I wish I had a sourdough one, with butter and bitter orange marmalade…

  8. posted by Pammyfay on

    I agree with CM.
    Maybe you folks haven’t purchased English muffins in a while? They are not evenly split, and sometimes they’re “split” horribly that when I try to open them with fingers or a fork, I get one part that’s 3/4 and one that’s ripped up terribly.

    I just finished a package of Thomas’s. I used a serrated knife.

    The toasting factor is the problem (if you use a regular toaster, not a toaster oven), as CM explains, if the pre-split muffins are not properly pre-split when you take them out of the package.

    These among Erin’s options just won’t work, IMHO:
    #1, #3, #6, #7 — because either of lack of hardness or cutting edge. But this tool seems like it wouldn’t work either. I’ll keep my knife (and there’s another package of muffins in the freezer!).

    MDFloyd: There are bagel makers that do pre-slice them. But never, in my experience, are they pre-sliced evenly. Thus, another toasting issue.

    (And yes, a poorly split/toasted muffin or bagel can really get your day off to a grumpy start! — like some of you not getting your coffee, perhaps)

  9. posted by Suzy on

    I showed this to my mother who is a daily English Muffin consumer. I thought that she would enjoy the giggle.

    Her comment was that this unitasker was unnecessary for her because her Bay’s English Muffins were pre-split & even every time. She won’t buy Thomas’ or any other brand because they don’t split evenly or correctly.

    And that’s that.

  10. posted by JustGail on

    It may be a unitasker, but it’s one of those that has a place in the drawer for English muffin lovers. As pointed out, pre-split ones aren’t even or completely done, sawing at the with a knife takes out a great texture for holding the butter or jam. While you can use forks and push them in and twist, you need to go around the whole outside (better than a knife though).

    If you want to talk about a useless unitasker slicer, how about those guillotine style bagel slicers? I’ve yet to use one that doesn’t turn the bagel into a wadded up mess stuck in the slicer. Yeah, yeah – I know – too many people can’t keep track of where their fingers are to use a knife.

  11. Avatar of Erin Doland

    posted by Erin Doland on

    Just an fyi … During college I waited tables in an extremely popular English tea room. We served in-house baked English muffins that were not pre-sliced (whatever that is) and we exclusively used a pie server to open them. We would slice a cut (with the blade edge of the pie server) into the side of the muffin, stick the pie server into the muffin, wiggle it around a bit, and then tear the muffin open the rest of the way with our clean hands. If we didn’t have a pie server on hand, we would do the same process with a butter knife. No nooks or crannies were ever harmed in the process and the muffins were evenly separated every time. I have likely opened more English muffins in my lifetime than even someone who eats them daily. This unitasker is completely pointless, even for someone who works in the food industry. A pie server or a butter knife are perfect alternatives.

  12. posted by another Liz on

    I am stunned that people buy this thing for $14.95! But then, I rarely suffer from poorly split muffins. I must have an innate talent for muffin-splitting.

  13. posted by Kalle on

    I have no problem using a table knife to split Thomas and generic English muffins. I read the reviews and I’m amazed by the person who thinks she needs an electric griddle to cook her muffins. Really? My toaster does just fine, and it’s a lousy toaster.

  14. posted by Amanda on

    I remember seeing this item advertised in a magazine, and I immediately thought of Unclutterer!

  15. posted by joanna @ IWontBeAHoarderToo on

    Wow, looks like something Edward Scissorhands created.
    At least it stores flat!

  16. posted by ninakk on

    you can also comb your hair with it.

  17. posted by CM on

    @Erin – LOL, I love how you always have a rebuttal when someone defends a unitasker, and frequently you have some personal source of authority.

    I have likely opened more English muffins in my lifetime than even someone who eats them daily.

    Smackdown.

    I’ll have to try your pie server method the next time I am brought to my knees by an uncooperative muffin.

  18. posted by Nana on

    Not a unitasker…when you’re done splitting muffins, you’re ready to play Edward Scissorhands!

  19. posted by Katrina on

    Is it just my imagination? Isn’t this unitasker essentially a large BBQ fork (or ye olde toasting fork) without a handle?

    A butter knife, or any of the other tiems listed by Erin work fine

  20. posted by priest's wife on

    …not going to buy more clutter…

    but I might just buy a totally white flour (we are usually whole grain around here) sourdough english muffin….I like them with butter and ginger jam YUUUUUUMMM

  21. posted by Corinn Solara on

    …I don’t care what that thing is INTENDED for, I just want one for a costume part. Steampunk claws!

  22. posted by Judith on

    I just really want an English muffin now.

  23. posted by Laura on

    I saw this in an email and thought – that’s going to make it to unclutterer any day now.

  24. posted by myCityBusiness on

    Wow – usually I can see some kind of use for these uni-taskers, you know, for people with arthritis or the like. But this looks more difficult to use.

    But now I really want a toasted English muffin with some butter and strawberry jam – *drool*

  25. posted by lady brett on

    oh, i don’t know, i think it would be a wonderful thing to keep around to threaten people with; it is a bit scary looking.

    of course, like most unitaskers, it could easily be replaced – for threatening purposes – with a knife.

  26. posted by Melinda on

    While I too have felt the frustration and dissapointment of an improperly split english muffin, I don’t think this unitasker would be any easier than using a fork, my current apparatus of choice. I must now try a pie server…I see a trip to the store for english muffins tonight :)

  27. posted by Quill on

    Good points, all, though I would like to note that many of King Arthur Flour’s customers are people who make their own English muffins. Yes, it’s a unitasker, but if one is going to all the trouble of making muffins at home, one probably wants them to split as nicely as possible…

  28. posted by Edie on

    But, it says “fork split” right on the packaging. You mean that’s not instructions? I’ve been using ordinary table forks to split muffins for years.

    And the muffin claw can’t go in the dishwasher. And I’d need two of the things, to prevent cross-contamination. I’m the one and only wheat-allergic member of my family and friend circle. My local markets carry wheat-free English muffins, and they toast nicely on a sheet of foil under the broiler…

    And the GEICO gecko’s in my head saying, “You want an English muffin? They literally hand you a toasted muffin with butter and jam.”

    Erin, I wonder how many of your readers are craving muffins after this post?

  29. posted by aliskye on

    Wait! I think I need this. It would work on pita bread also. I think. :)

    From the Society for Prevention of Holes in Making Pita Pockets.

  30. posted by Elizabeth on

    Is all this something to do with the American inability to use knives at table? (Joking – honestly!) Is it a continuation of the idea that the correct way to eat a meal is with the fork alone?

    Here on this side of the Atlantic I have no problem with using a butter knife to cut a muffin, either partially or all the way through. Ours just seem to have a natural dip which indicates where to insert the knife. And I’d never noticed a difference in texture between torn and cut muffins.

    Fascinating stuff and like other commentators I’m stunned that someone actually conceived of the unitasker, let alone has managed to make and sell any.

  31. posted by Clutterer on

    A butter knife or any searrted knife will do the same thing. Also if you put this splitter up too high in the muffin, it will still damage it.

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