All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
I have many super powers (e.g. I can grab poison ivy with my bare hands and not have a reaction), but my kryptonite are balloons. For starters, I’m allergic to latex, so touching them causes me to break out in a rash. Secondly, the squeaking sound they make when you rub your finger across them drives me batty. Thirdly, tying them off is tedious. And finally, the anticipation of someone about to pop a balloon makes me incredibly anxious.
Noting all of the reasons I hate balloons, you might think the Tie-Not would be something I’d use. It ties water balloons so you don’t have to fuss with them! But, you know what, even the Queen of Hating Balloons can tie a water balloon if she needs to. (She can also talk about herself in the third person.)
Unless you’re a professional water balloon maker, I’m not really sure the average person needs the Tie-Not. For those rare times you decide to throw a water balloon party (are there such things?), I’m certain you can handle the stress of tying the balloons. Also, having to tie all those balloons might give you pause to throwing a water balloon party in the future. Because, really, who enjoys being smacked with a water balloon? Sure, it’s fun to clobber other people, but getting hit by one is never a joy. Water balloon attacks always end with someone getting a pitcher of water and just pouring the water on their competitors — so why not start with those? Pitchers are also reusable. And don’t hurt. And don’t leave little balloon particles in your yard. And don’t cause rashes. And aren’t balloons.
To close, I feel the need to point out that the name of the product is “Tie-Not.” In my understanding of the English language, the word NOT implies the negative. In this case, it would mean that the device doesn’t tie. I think this is brilliantly absurd, and commend the makers of the Tie-Not for not false advertising (check out the 1-star reviews on Amazon for examples of the device not working).
Thanks to reader Steph for introducing us to this soggy, summer unitasker.