Unclutterer

1. Posted by Dominic Ali - 01/07/2011

   One rule I’ve found useful in situations where you move in with a significant other or a roommate is a simple one: keep the stuff that works! It’s amazing how much stuff people keep that is actually in need of repair, maintenance, or replacement.

   Another tip is to have a look through the IKEA catalogue together before you decide which odds-and-ends you need to bring in to your new home to finish it off such as coat hangers, stools, picture frames, etc . No point buying something you like but your roommate/partner despises…unless you want to start your first fight!

2. Posted by WilliamB - 01/07/2011

   Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

   Some other ideas:
   1. Eliminate exact duplicates – DVDs, CDs, etc.

   2. Decisions don’t have to be final. If something’s contentious, make the decision nonpermanent. Frex, try his towels for a while, then yours, then see what you both think. Or save the second set for when the first is worn out.

   3. If you can, try to determine objective standards in advance, such as keep the highest quality knives or how many books to have out at once.

   4. If you find each of you is attached to stuff, to manage to use some of each.

   5. If the discussion starts turning into a fight: for most groups what works best is stopping right then and moving to an uncontentious topic. The idea is to avoid one, getting “stuck” in one’s position thus making compromise harder and two, not letting ire about one subject spill over into another subject.

   6. If you’re having a wedding registry, you could decide to replace both your guys’ stuff with a mutually-agreed upon third set. Works well with towels and plates, not so well with art and entertainment.

   7. If you find yourself really stuck in argument, try this: stop before you get so stuck in your positions that you can’t compromise (ie, #5). Then find a social worker or counselor to help you communicate. Sometimes a third party can bring out objections or clarify positions that the two in the discussion have missed. This isn’t marriage counseling, it’s just facilitated communication. If the idea of a counselor is offputting then some professional organizers are also trained in social skills.

3. Posted by lenzai - 01/07/2011

   I very much agree with all the points. Get rid of as much of your own stuff before moving. Don’t harp on the other person getting rid of their stuff (I did that a bit and it wasn’t pretty). Unpacking together is essential, making sure you unpack the same type of stuff from both people at the same time (your box of glassware, and his box of glassware etc) it really helps seeing everything together and realize that you may have too much and choose what to keep and what to put back into a box to donate, yard sale etc. I just went though this 5 months ago. Good luck!!

4. Posted by Matthew - 01/07/2011

   My wife and I also packed and uncluttered together before the move-in. She helped me go through my stuff and throw things away, which would have been much harder if she hadn’t been there. I sent a lot of bags to the trash and to good will.

5. Posted by lenzai - 01/07/2011

   Also, forgot to add. For some people it works to mix everything in every room. For some it may be easier to start with one room/wall predominantly her stuff (furniture, art) and one room of his. This ended up our case and it’s working so far and we’re slowly incorporating “new to both of us” elements into the entire space. This helps if each person had a cohesive style that they’ve accomplished with their belongings before the merge and are wary to break it up.

6. Posted by MK - 01/07/2011

   When we were engaged, I was living in the space we would move into. My now husband actively uncluttered his stuff and would regularly bring over items to integrate into our commons space. This went on for several months and allowed us to find space together for smaller lots of items rather than integrating all at once. I still make fun of him for showing up on a random Tuesday with a floor lamp, a frying pan, books and an amp, but it definitely eased the transition.

7. Posted by Sarah (Sarah Learns) - 01/07/2011

   my fiance and i are moving in together in april. these tips came at the exact right time. thank you unclutterer!!

8. Posted by Sarah - 01/07/2011

   We had a full (and with extra heirloom furniture here and there) townhouse with a fairly fully two-bedroom apartment moving into it, and once we agreed on “your couch is very nice, but it won’t fit anywhere in the house,” we decided to get a storage unit. We knew a larger house was in the offing, just not at that exact moment.

   Once we knew there was this other location for stuff, it was pretty easy: unused heirloom furniture went in the storage unit with the giant couch. The stereo and the cookware from the apartment we acknowledged to be better quality, but we stored them anyway because the townhouse set was certainly still functional (or wired behind bookcases).

   Other things were also easy: this is clearly the superior bed/kitchen table/TV, so that one goes to charity. The one touchy moment was–of all things–a board game: my set of Cathedral was wood and his was plastic, but it was the set he beat his cousin on. Rather than send it to charity, we personally selected a family we knew would enjoy it.

   I also had too much stuff just generally, so I used the motivation of “making room for him” as incentive to pare down a lot of things. Mostly clothes, come to think of it.

   Now we’re in the bigger house we assumed would come. The better stereo is hooked up, the better cookware is in the cabinets, all the heirloom furniture is in use, and the couch defines the living room. Aaand we still find extras and duplicates and things we don’t need. It’s inevitable.

9. Posted by Kari - 01/07/2011

   Agreed about getting rid of stuff before and about unpacking after a good night’s sleep. We’ve done this one of two ways: 1. stay in a motel the first night and 2. pack a couple of boxes with what is needed to set up the bed (sheets, pillows, blankets, side table light and clock), the bathroom (shower curtain, towels, basic toiletries, tp and kleenex) and basic kitchen wake-up (mugs or glasses, tea or coffee or whatever set up, toaster, english muffins or some such). Then you can go through a routine morning, and be ready to unpack.

   Congrats on your new life together.

10. Posted by Anne - 01/07/2011

    Is your fiance moving into your shared home as well? Or are you moving into his place? Just curious.

    Either way, this is a great opportunity for you both to start fresh and give thought to what you want your home to be. I highly recommend Peter Walsh’s philosophies on this stuff, which you can get from his books (“It’s All Too Much” is awesome) or his new weekly show on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Basically, instead of getting caught up in, “I might need this, that has memories attached, I sometimes use this, and I can’t get rid of any of it” you both need to decide what you want out of each room and go from there. Not “The bedroom is for sleeping” but really “We want the bedroom to be peaceful, serene, and romantic” or “The living room should feel inviting for guests, spacious, and comfortable.” Have a vision for each room, and then decide item by item if each fits your vision. If it’s not part of the room’s intended energy, then it’s clutter and it goes.

    When my husband and I moved in with each other, we challenged each other on what items we each really need, use, and have lying around for no good reason. It can be uncomfortable and it’s a revisited topic from time to time, but you give some and you get some. Hopefully you come out clean and organized in the end.

    Good luck to you and I hope you have a happy life together!

11. Posted by s - 01/07/2011

    My boyfriend and I moved in together about 6 months ago, after we’d both been single and independent for about 20 years, each. We each had “everything we need.” But it was a great opportunity for us both to get rid of stuff that had just been “good enough.” We also moved into a small place, so we took the opportunity to goodwill/craigslist MANY things that we had kept because we each had space. Keep in mind that we both had our own tool kits, extra lightbulbs, batteries, etc., so we consolidated them. We had TONS of glasses, so someone’s getting a great deal at goodwill on those. Try hard to set aside personal attachements and “mine vs. his” mindsets on stuff that really doesn’t matter. One of our biggest struggles was with dishes. We’re using “his,” but I just wasn’t quite ready to get rid of “mine,” so they’re stored under the bed for now. I can’t believe I care which dishes we use, but I’ve let myself admit that it’s somewhat important to me. For silverware, though, we dumped the junk we had and got a nice set as a housewarming gift, so it’s “ours.” Which reminds me, sometimes it’s important to keep things that just don’t have a good storage place where they’re used. We have a pretty small kitchen, so we keep the casserole dishes and some baking stuff in a large tote in the linen closet since we had some space in there. It’s kind of a pain to get to it, but we don’t need it often.

    By the way, furniture arranging is tough, too. He likes the desk in the living room; I like it in a separate bedroom. We moved stuff around several times before we found a spot behind the couch that makes it feel like a separate room, but it’s still within the living area.

    I guess the main point is, you’ll still have “mine” and “yours” stuff, so don’t push each other to get rid of “their” things. Try to compromise, by getting rid of your own duplicates and/or getting something new (or from goodwill) that will be “ours.” Some decisions can wait…don’t try to do too much at once. Set aside a “stuff” place and whittle it down over time, once you’ve got basic living and comfort arrangements settled.

12. Posted by Amy - 01/07/2011

    Before we were married, my husband and I moved cross country into a small apartment. I had all of my unsorted junk sent out and even the closed boxes of stuff caused my husband anxiety. Please, aggressively sort out all of the clutter NOW!

    If you are not only nervous about moving your clutter, but also your cluttered ways, then work on your organizational systems now so that you do not have to bring that worry with you. Hopefully style differences can be worked out without too many arguments but clutter issues can wreak havoc.

    Honestly, in the end, it doesn’t matter whose stuff you use. You both have a lifetime to slowly replace the stuff each of you dislike and make a home that feels comfortable to you both. For 2 years, I lived with a horrible framed poster of James Dean under the Brooklyn bridge over the sofa. But I picked my battles and realized that it does not have to be perfectly decorated right away. Now I look back at our eclectic first place and it makes me smile.

13. Posted by Miss Lynx - 01/07/2011

    One thing I think is really important in a situation like this is to make sure the new home has balance of both people’s stuff, even if one partner is more affluent than the other, and thus has “nicer” things, getting rid of all or most of the other partner’s stuff is a bad idea. There are two reasons for this:

    The first id psychological: it can make them feel like it’s not really their home and they don’t belong there. I’ve experienced this myself and also seen it happen to friends of mine – at the time it seems logical that whoever has the higher-quality furnishings, kitchenware, etc. is the one who gets to keep their possessions while whoever has the older or more worn stuff has to give everything to Goodwill. But after moving in together, the one who had to get rid of everything will often be feeling really unhappy, and the home will feel much less comfortable and familiar to them than it would if they’d gotten to keep some of their own things.

    The second reason is practical: it’s an unfortunate reality that most relationships, married or otherwise, don’t last a lifetime any more. So again, having one partner get rid of everything or near-everything can leave them in a very bad position if the relationship eventually ends. Particularly if the reason their stuff was regarded as undesirable was because they were the less affluent of the two partners, it can make recovering from an already traumatic event (the end of a relationship you thought was going to be forever) even harder.

14. Posted by Katie - 01/07/2011

    I moved in with my now husband about a year ago. Because our shared home was “his” condo (we sold mine), it definitely felt like his stuff took precedence. While the urge to unclutter is strong, don’t rush it. We got rid of duplicates we didn’t care about, anything broken, etc. right away. Then we waited until a few months after the wedding to really decide what to purge. While it was difficult to live with so much stuff, it was only temporary. This wait time has made the decisions easier for both of us. For example, I would have argued for my bookcase a year ago because of sentimental value, after a few months of living with his, it’s obvious if functions better for our needs.

15. Posted by Jay - 01/07/2011

    Erin and others have made great suggestions.

    To avoid misunderstandings at the new place, I suggest being more aggressive about getting rid of clutter before you move. For example, I suggest having the “Whose towels do you keep?” conversation before you move, as part of getting rid of clutter. Why move towels you are going to turn around and donate or trash? Why give someone the false expectation that towels he or she packed, moved, and unpacked are now going to be donated or trashed?

    With some items, the person who will use the items most should choose which of several competing items to keep. For example, the person who will do most of the cooking should choose most of the pots, pans, and knives. If one person will primarily use a desk, that person should probably choose the desk.

    Also, both people need to remember to COMPROMISE.

16. Posted by Adele - 01/07/2011

    Congrats! These are all great suggestions on how to think about what to keep and how to make decisions.

    All that I’ll add is to remember that it’s okay to disagree and to argue — it doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you or your relationship. If you can communicate and get through it, you’ll be fine, though some of the process will no doubt be painful. It’s normal! Not only is there a lot of emotion associated with joining households and becoming a new family together, but if you’re moving into his space, he may feel resentful about your “taking over” his place. Over time, everything will be fine!

    I had spent practically every night at my now husband’s place before I moved in (he had a dog, so it was just easier for me to come to his place), and so I was surprised that the moving in was so emotional and difficult for us. I wish someone had warned me that it’s normal to fight and for the move to be stressful!

17. Posted by Leah - 01/07/2011

    All great ideas! My one contribution is this: be sure to unpack all the boxes. Don’t leave stuff in them and say “we’ll deal with it later.” It’s a recipe for never knowing where your stuff is. My boyfriend and I are in our second apartment together. I moved in with him and promptly left for a 3 month job, so everything stayed in boxes in our first place. I was transitioning to grad school during our second move . . . and my stuff is still somewhat in boxes 6 months later. I still can’t find my ipod cord to update it. Since New Year’s, I’ve been in an unpacking and uncluttering fit. I wish I had done this all much earlier.

18. Posted by Another Deb - 01/07/2011

    I moved in with my now-husband six years ago, bringing all of my vintage shabby chic cottage clutter to his white-walls and Southwest-style home. After the “which toaster do we keep?” conversations, we settled in to figuring out how to share our daily lives.

    I discovered that: if I could re-paint the white walls, the place felt more like a home. I took his taste into consideration and did the majority of it while he was away, so the finished product was all he had to deal with.

    He discovered: my paint choices made it look better and he started trusting my ideas. (The fact that I did all of the painting was a plus.)

    We set up our kitchen system by asking each other “if you were looking for the glasses/spatula/strainer/etc, where would you look? There were some “discussions” about the logic of certain choices before a drawer or cabinet was designated a home for an item. I am always surprised when people don’t store things in the same place in the kitchen as I was taught.

    In our shared office, I had been very frustrated with his cobbled-together, inefficient set(s) of shelving and desks, and we eventually made a plan to maximize the space using two Ikea desks and shelf systems that maximize the space and look beautiful.

    I learned that: he gets overwhelmed by shopping for household items such as headboards, sofas. Way too many choices and time involved.

    He learned that: I will show him three or four of my picks and he can veto all or help me make the final choice.

    When I first moved in, I wanted to replace the everyday dishes that had been his in the former marriage and were of a color I didn’t like. Since then I have come to appreciate the quality of the set and the color is not an issue since I incorporated it into my painting sheme. I am very glad we didn’t rush to dump that set.

    We still maintain a lot of our separate possessions and tend to dominate different parts of the house with our individual hobby junk. It might be more cluttered but we are both tolerent of what the other is doing. Our schedule and jobs are nearly identical and it is a blessing to have another person sharing my life who understands!

19. Posted by Bibliovore - 01/08/2011

    Wow, a lot of really fantastic advice and experiences have been posted! Here are a few more, in case they’re helpful:

    * You asked how you can have conversations about things like this — just have them! As noted, preferably after you’ve eaten and slept, or at least when nether of you is tired or hungry. It may help to keep in mind that the goal is not to “win” but to maximize mutual comfort and happiness. Maybe plan some “logistics meals” where you can enjoy eating together and talking through things. Issues to discuss will come up throughout your life (future homes, finances, job decisions, children, vacation planning, etc.), and this is a good opportunity to figure out how to figure things out together.

    * Figure out a “home” for _everything_. Where will incoming mail land, and where will it go once opened? How about cleaning supplies, bookmarks, pet toys, laundry, loose change, bags, muddy shoes, or any new thing either of you will bring home? When scissors “live” in a specific holder or drawer or whatever, you know to put them back there, and don’t have to search all over when you need them. If specific space is allocated for something, you know when you’re out of room for more of it.

    * Work out decluttered organization. For instance, if you keep more stuff at the desk than works there, can some be gotten rid of or kept elsewhere? If there’s still too much stuff for a comfortable fit, do you need new storage solutions, better organization, or maybe even a different desk?

    * Discuss acquisition limits ahead of time, instead of waiting till one person is uncomfortable about something the other has just brought home. If one has a collection or buying tendency that the other fears might get out of hand, talk about how you’ll budget space and money for it in your life together, and at what point getting a new one means getting rid of an old one. When my partner and I moved in together, he wasn’t sure about my plants, so I check with him before getting a new one if it won’t fit on the plant rack or at my desk. He just chuckles and shrugs about my very many books; I do the same about his computers and components, which all live in the office or a closet.

    * Unless you have so little to move that you’ll unpack it all in a single day, label your boxes well and clearly, with both destination room and contents. Destination room means it can land in the right area when carried in, for later unpacking ease and minimal shuffling. Contents mean you don’t have to open every “Bedroom” or “Clothes” box to find your swimsuit or warmer socks.

    Good luck, and have fun!

20. Posted by Casey - 01/09/2011

    I had a different problem when I moved in with my boyfriend – as the move was a result of Hurricane Katrina. I didn’t lose anything inside the house, as it was raised above the floodwaters and the roof held – but the electricity was shot and my landlord didn’t think he could get it fixed before my lease expired. I took a few sentimental/ultra-functional things of my own with me, but I knew my stuff definitely wasn’t his taste. So I gave most of my stuff to people I knew who had lost everything.

    The funniest thing to me was that we didn’t necessarily argue about whose stuff we should use (and despite me giving a bunch of stuff away, we still did have some duplicates), but little things like brands of toilet paper and mustard. We hated the way each others’ hand soap smelled, so we had to compromise on the unscented Method soap. I was so thankful those were the biggest arguments we had!

21. Posted by Casey - 01/09/2011

    OH! And we had been talking about moving in together even before Katrina hit. What we did was each of us LIVED at the other person’s apartment for two weeks, continuously. We could only go home to our own place to pick up mail. This allowed us to truly understand how each others’ homes worked and help us decide that neither of us liked each others’ place. We had decided to both move into a third apartment. Katrina sort of changed all that and I just had to crash with him, but after about a year and a half, we did move into the “ours” apartment, and it was much better!

22. Posted by Maggie Rose - 01/10/2011

    My boyfriend and I moved in together in October of 2009 and we both did some uncluttering before moving into a new shared space. However, some of the we-just-don’t-know items we kept the duplicates of in kind of a delayed decision. Now we’ve marked this month as our decluttering month (although I do it year-round) and are detached enough from the items that it doesn’t matter anymore what was whose. Things that were easy in the first round were obvious quality differences. His towels were much nicer so I ditched most of mine and bought two more of his brand to match. We hung 90% of both of our art. Things that are on the list this time around are: his Ikea coffeetable that he bought just before we decided to move (it’s been in the basement), my toaster (been keeping it as a backup if the current one breaks), frying pans (I have no idea which I brought, but we have TOO MANY!). Good luck and congrats! As someone else mentioned, a wedding registry is a good opportunity to upgrade and declutter both of your current items.

23. Posted by Matt - 01/10/2011

    IMPORTANT ADVICE WHEN YOU START DATING SOMEONE!

    When I started dating my wife, we used to buy each other copies of our favorite albums/movies for Christmas and birthdays. Mistake! Once we got married, we had two copies of everything. We should have given each other our current copies, and made a backup copy to keep ourselves.

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