Unclutterer

1. Posted by Ann - 12/17/2010

   Agree. Accept graciously whatever they do for you and ignore what you don’t like (the dishwasher being loaded “wrong”). When you are whole again, it won’t take you very long to get things back to the way you like it…and they will feel like they took care of you. They are giving you what they are capable of…be joyful and thankful and appreciative.

2. Posted by Catherine - 12/17/2010

   Thank you for answering my question with such compassion and helpful suggestions. I am off the crutches now but still not too steady on my feet, and have already been doing a lot of what you suggest. (and will try the others!) I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking and realized that my resolution for 2011 is going to be “let go of perfectionism.” Being unable to do stuff brings you hard against that wall of too-high standards. It’s been a wake-up call for me. I’m not a super-perfect Martha Stewart type, and I don’t think I make my family crazy with my expectations – but I keep aiming very high for myself, and getting mad at myself when I can’t get that far. I certainly make MYSELF crazy, if not them.

   “Reducing perfectionism” is a hard resolution because I am sort of trained to make lists & tracking systems & so forth – which I am resolving NOT TO DO because those things become an instrument of guilt about not having ticked off every item on the list, kept to the schedule, etc … but I am going to figure it out.

   Again, thanks for your compassion & wisdom.

3. Posted by Catherine - 12/17/2010

   Oh and, responding to Ann’s comment above … you are quite right. But just to be clear, they never had any idea that I didn’t like any of what they did. I have been showing a lot of gratitude to them, and truly they have been awesome. I’ve just been beating myself up about not having come up with better systems that allowed me to deal with all of this. (note that I even said “mea culpa” in my Ask Unclutter request … guilt, much??)

4. Posted by LandofOz - 12/17/2010

   Can your husband teach your daughter to load the dishwasher? I really think you need to delegate in general. Say specifically what you need done: “I need the dishes washed daily. I need one meal each day to not be from a box.” and let them figure it out.

   Your husband is an adult who presumably, though he is not typically involved in these things, can handle it. And this is a great time for him to teach your daughter some domestic skills that will be good for her to have in life.

   Also, try to let it go. No bad thing will happen if some of the dishes have to be rewashed or if when you heal it takes a bit to get the house back in order. I get caught up in that too, but try to just take a step back and realize it’s not really as important as it seems.

5. Posted by priest's wife - 12/17/2010

   you don’t need to be a perfectionist- but 13 is old enough to learn life skills. Sit on a chair and give her directions about working in the kitchen. Choose a country, go to recipe.com and find a cool recipe for her to try.

   My girls (11 and 10) made fabric gift bags yesterday (really just pillow cases)- they needed a lot of help from me, but they improved with each one!

6. Posted by hazygirl - 12/17/2010

   You got tired of tv dinners and your house became a mess within one day? (You wrote this the day after the injury, right?)

   I don’t see how a sprained ankle prevents you from cooking; or prevents you from using this opportunity to teach your daughter to cook. Sit at the table or counter. Ask your daughter to fetch you the tools and ingredients while you show her how you use these tools to put the ingredients together to make a meal. Let her put the pan in the oven, or stand over the stove stirring stuff while you supervise.

   Or sit nearby while she puts the dishes in the dishwasher, using your verbal instructions and explanations of how to put the dishes in and why.

   Another option is to have your husband go get take-out, instead of tv dinners; and to use disposables so you don’t dirty any dishes that need to be washed.

7. Posted by xxuviolkd - 12/17/2010

   Erin’s advice is spot-on. Let the house crumble. Maybe be graciously smug, even. (Very privately.)

   Remember that episode of The Andy Griffith Show where Aunt Bea went away for a few days, and Andy and Opie did such a good job taking care of the house, that when Bea returned she didn’t feel needed? And she felt rejected? And dejected?

   Now, you simply don’t want that. Let them flounder. Or possibly, blossom. And let them appreciate you. You’ll be stronger for it. So will they.

   And that is TRUE housekeeping.

8. Posted by Kate - 12/17/2010

   First, to Catherine, I hope you heal quickly!

   Second, I appreciate this post on many levels. It is truly a reminder that one person can’t “do it all” because there may come a day where they’re not able to do any of it. I often have the same challenges, where instead of trying to help my husband learn to do a task (particularly cooking, which I do all of…), I just do it myself because it’s ‘easier’ than teaching him. However, I also appreciate the reminder that just because someone doesn’t do something *exactly* the way I would do it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

   Maybe this weekend I’ll teach my husband to cook something…

9. Posted by chacha1 - 12/17/2010

   My mom put me and my sister in the kitchen early. We were getting our own breakfasts and packing our own lunches by 9 and 10 – and it could have been earlier, that’s just when I remember for sure. I was the designated sous-chef and (by early teens) dessert chef, and my sister was more the outdoor girl (riding the lawnmower by 14). We both knew how to wash dishes and sort laundry.

   And I’m sure we didn’t do everything exactly the way Mom would have. But we learned how to do it, and we learned to appreciate the time it took – and the time everyone gained for leisure when the work was shared.

10. Posted by Lilly - 12/17/2010

    Excellence is worth striving for but perfectionism is SUCH a waste of time.

11. Posted by Becca - 12/17/2010

    I’ve had many foot surgeries, and years of practice on crutches. In the kitchen, my savior was a bar stool. That let me perch by the counters. To carry things between the fridge and the counters, I’d roll around on an office chair. I also would keep a second bar stool to elevate my foot on, but I’m guessing you’re past that stage by now.

    Speaking of the kitchen, if you have a mat in front of the sink, be very careful on crutches. Mats and throw rugs slip like mad (crutches don’t distribute your weight very well).

12. Posted by Lose That Girl - 12/17/2010

    As a perfectionist, I can totally understand how frustrating this situation would be. I’m going to try to take on board Erin’s points – I think even when we’re not suffering from an injury or illness, there’s a lesson here to be learned.

13. Posted by Ann - 12/17/2010

    I guess I am overly sensitive to this subject based on an experience I had in college. My boyfriend (who lived at home, not in the dorms)and his ENTIRE family came down with the Hong Kong flu. Mom, two sisters, brother -everyone except his dad, who had to work. So I volunteered to help out…and was roundly criticized for not only loading the dishwasher “wrong”(I had learned from my mother…), but for folding the towels “wrong” (ditto). I was angry, hurt and mortified…and young enough to think something had been “wrong” in my upbringing! My boyfriend’s mom was so confident in her perfectionism that it was really hard to deal with. Well, the romance survived and she became my mother-in-law. One day, the girlfriend of my brother-in-law was helping me load my dishwasher and vocalized that the BIL was often critical of her because she didn’t load the dishwasher like his mom. Wow!! I told her the flu story and we had a good laugh, loading MY dishwasher agressively “wrong”… LOL

14. Posted by Sue - 12/17/2010

    I’m glad to read in the follow-up that Catherine is going to work on her perfectionism. Because if I hadn’t read that, I’d scold her for overreacting and enabling her husband and daughter to rely on her for things everyone should be able to.

    It’s been one day. It’s a sprained ankle. It will heal quicker than you think.

    If they’ve never loaded the dishwasher before, they aren’t going to magically do it exactly right on their first try. And guess what? They may never load it like you do, but they will learn how to do it so the dishes come out clean.

    And if your daughter has never attempted to cook, then now is the time to teach her! Why haven’t these lessons started already? It will be all too soon that she is on her own and will be grateful that you taught her how to do it herself, rather than always doing it for her. Your husband, hopefully, can learn too. Everyone should be able to cook a few basic dishes, even if they don’t normally need to do so.

15. Posted by Shizuka - 12/17/2010

    You’ve acknowledged you’re a perfectionist, but maybe you’re also a little too controlling? A few days of TV dinners won’t kill you and if your daughter and husband truly don’t care what they eat, maybe it’s a matter of finding healthier TV dinners/takeout (looking through things online and asking them to buy specific things). I’m a super picky eater and I sympathize because I’d hate to be in your situation, but I don’t expect people to live by my food standards

16. Posted by akeeyu - 12/17/2010

    When I was thirteen, I knew how to plan, shop for, and cook a complete meal.

    When you’re 100%, you need to start letting your daughter learn how to take care of herself. She needs to be able to cook for herself, clean up after herself, wash her own clothes and plan and shop for a meal. She needs to know how to select the best meat, dairy and produce at the supermarket and how to shop for the best deals.

    I’d say the same thing if your daughter was a son. Kids need to know basic life skills. Thirteen is a little late to start, frankly. She has five years before she has to fend for herself.

    Get cracking.

17. Posted by Kel - 12/17/2010

    Great article on perfectionism! and a timely reminder to all parents that teaching your children how to keep house (no matter the gender) is an important life skill.

    I was very fortunate in that my mom did that with us. I remember being about 4-5 yrs. old when we would play the “laundry colour game” we would help Mom sort the laundry by matching the colours. It seemed fun at the time, helped her out and my brother and I would throw dirty socks at each other when her back was turned Lol.

    Helping out was never a “chore” it was just helping. Everyone likes to feel needed and my parents utilized that to teach us life skills.

18. Posted by Phalynn - 12/17/2010

    Wow – some great feedback and some harsh judgements! We are all on the same team right? Scold? Really? When the chips are down, the LAST thing anyone needs when they are reaching out for help is to be scolded or lectured on being controlling – we all have our things we like done a certain way! I had knee surgery two weeks ago and was I feel her pain. I have let others help – but it is never easy. I applaud her for reaching out for advice. My 10 year old cooks – and cooks well. The 14 year old can do a pizza. Some not-so-home-made-dinners for a week or two wont hurt any of us and they are actually stronger because of it. Hang in there Catherine! We really are on your side!

19. Posted by NothingButTheRain - 12/17/2010

    Catherine, I hope you heal quickly. There is nothing like an illness or an injury to make you rethink (or “unclutter” if you like!) your daily routine!

    I have a friend who is elderly and has the washer in her basement. Guess what, she broke a hip. Now she is reconsidering that. This year, I’ve had three surgeries. I got a gardener to help out after realizing I wouldn’t be able to mow. Love it, he stays. Gives me more time to do productive money-making tasks like continuing ed courses and reading journals.

20. Posted by gypsy packer - 12/17/2010

    Catherine, the bad news is that an ankle which sprains once will likely repeat itself, especially if you don’t give it ample rest. AKA–”do as I say, not as I do”, so you won’t get broken ankles(2 in 3 years) when the ligaments give up on you.

    All teenagers want to be grown up. Telling her that you want to teach her a bunch of the basic adult life skills will empower her and give her confidence. Husbands? Most will be as much slob as they can get away with. He might, though, want to avoid those repeat medical bills, deductibles, etc. by lending a hand with the housework–especially if you bookmark one of those recent studies which indicate that men who help with housework get more sex than those who don’t.

21. Posted by Sue - 12/17/2010

    @Phalynn- some of us believe in a bit of “tough love”. If you can’t take an internet “scolding” then don’t ask for help.

    I hope Catherine uses and appreciates this as a wake up call that she needs to be preparing her daughter for adulthood. From her early responses, I’m hopeful that she will.

22. Posted by chris - 12/17/2010

    Oh, this brings back memories! When I was sick once for several days my husband fed the kids on a diet on waffles and powdered sugar donuts. Sometimes, you have to just “let go”! The help you want, need or expect doesn’t always come in reliable intervals. We laugh looking back on this and now both my kids can now cook (13 and 9).

23. Posted by hkw - 12/17/2010

    I think all the advice about chilling out and coming to grips with the futility of perfectionism is spot on. On the other hand, I totally understand where she’s coming from. (Or I guess was, since she’s back on her feet.) It’s easy to say “let it go,” but when you’re the one trapped on the couch while your systems break down around you, it can be very frustrating. Especially since you have nothing else to do! (And I’m speaking from experience.)

    So, while you work through the letting-go process, see what you can do to ease the transition. Can you hire someone to come in and clean your house, or even ask a girlfriend to come in and help? How about ordering takeout from a restaurant you really like and asking your husband to pick it up? If he’s not used to grocery shopping, how about specifying some healthy snacks that will get you over the hump of the TV dinners — such as pre-cut fruit or your favorite things from the salad bar? Remember, he’s now faced with the burden of taking on your responsibilities — which might be everything! — while also dealing with his regular tasks, and he might not know where to start.

    As for you, are there any household tasks that you could do sitting down? I’m thinking of all those long-term decluttering projects. Now’s the time to organize the photo albums, back up your hard disk, whatever. Then at least you’ll have the knowledge that those things are done until you can get back to your routine.

24. Posted by Kara - 12/18/2010

    I’m kind of blown away at the idea that a 13 year old doesn’t know how to load a dishwasher or cook a meal. When I was 13 one of my chores was to clean the kitchen after mom cooked. I also did my own laundry (although Mom helped out sometimes).

    Maybe it’s time to let go of perfectionism and start teaching your daughter some life skills. At what age do you think that she’s going to suddenly learn how to cook for herself, clean for herself, load a dishwasher, do laundry, etc.??? Or are you planning to send her off to college in 4 or 5 years with no life skills?

    I’m here to tell you I married a man whose mom was that kind of perfectionist and I spent the first 5 years of my marriage being resentful for having to be his mom all over again. It would have been nice if his mom had quit saying “it’s easier for me to just do it right than to deal with their learning curve” and actually taught them how to care for themselves.

    Maybe I sound harsh, but I’ve lived with the children of the perfectionist mom who never taught her kids anything. Your daughter is THIRTEEN. She should have been doing many of these chores (without you having to redo them) for several years now.

25. Posted by Rickard - 12/18/2010

    I’m puzzled that there are so many comments saying that it’s about time her 13 year old daughter learned some basic household skills, while so few says the same thing about her husband. I believe that every person, male and female, should learn how to take care of themselves (and thereby also how to take care of others). I am a 35 year old man, and since moving out of my parents house I have made sure to learn all the skills needed to keep my home and myself in good shape.

    This is not to be seen as judgement on Catherine and her family, as I believe that every family should make their own agreements on how the work around the house is divided. I just want to object to what I see as a stereotype picture being displayed in the comments, that a woman need to learn how to take care of a home, while a man don’t.

26. Posted by Panig - 12/18/2010

    I disagree with all the writers who say that children should learn how to do household tasks while they live at home.

    I have three grown children(in their thirties) all of whom have decent careers who did NOT do any house work when growing up. After school, they played with friends, did their home work, were involved in after school activities, music lessons, sports etc.. They also watched TV programs such as “Little House on the Prairies” or “The Cosbys” and had part time jobs as teenagers. I think it is important for children to develop other skills ( like leadership, time management, money management, academic and social)over household skills such as cooking or ironing.

    I believe that it is especially DETRIMENTAL for girls to do household chores since it gives them the idea that they have all the skills necessary to live as an adult. Once they learn household skills, their interest in a good career dwindles and they consider getting married to be an option (as a way of supporting themselves).

    I would advise Catherine to emphasize good grades to her daughter over learning how to cook. Parents should take care of the children and not the other way around. Occasional illnesses can be manaaged and things should go back to normal in a short time.

    My children live on their own now and have learned to do their household tasks quite well (without my help). Recently my oldest daughter, now married, sent me a picutre of her holiday table setting and I commented that she was trying to be a combination of Martha Stewart and Julia Child. Her mother in law replied “oh she already is!”

27. Posted by Amy - 12/18/2010

    Erma Bombeck used to save every “Get Well” card she ever received for times like this. Just display them on your mantle and people will forgive the mess!

    I say you milk the attention and pampering for as long as you can!

28. Posted by Louise - 12/18/2010

    This post prompted me to sincerely thank my husband for all the things he does around our home. Thank you for the reminder to be grateful when things are going well; it builds the goodwill necessary to be flexible when things go bad!

29. Posted by Kara - 12/18/2010

    “I’m puzzled that there are so many comments saying that it’s about time her 13 year old daughter learned some basic household skills, while so few says the same thing about her husband. ”

    Quite frankly her husband should have learned them from his mom! It’s not about whether her child is a boy or a girl … it’s about the fact that kids should be taught basic life skills BEFORE they leave the house. Learning to cook a basic meal, to clean, to properly do laundry, to change a car tire, to run a vacuum, to do basic household repairs … EVERY CHILD, boy or girl, should know how to do those things before moving out of the house.

    And for the poster who said that teaching those things is detrimental and that you should have your child focus on school and grades, I call massive major BS. As an adult your child will have to learn to balance housework, feeding themselves, and working … teaching them to do it as they grow up in age appropriate stages is FAR better than putting your head in the sand and expecting them to learn it later.

30. Posted by Laura - 12/18/2010

    Another meal idea: a dinner of (healthy) snack food. I happen to like carrots and hummus, celery and peanut butter, and cheese and crackers; you may have different tastes, but you can probably think of similar foods you enjoy. Sure, it feels more like lunch than like dinner, but it feels not at all like a TV dinner!

    (And for a relatively healthy cracker, I like the hint-of-salt triscuits, or whatever they’re called.)

31. Posted by Kel - 12/18/2010

    @Richard – the husband should definitely learn these skills, however teaching him will require more finesse than teaching the child.

    Having married a man whose mother didn’t teach him anything has been a struggle. Especially with my career. I’ve been slowly teaching him basics, such as how to read the tag on clothing and decide how to launder it. Make a crockpot meal.

    I wish Catherine all the best with this, what prompted me to start teaching my DH was a sprained ankle that I pushed too far and still gives me troubles 4 yrs. later.

    Still trying to work on my perfectionism though.

32. Posted by Irulan - 12/18/2010

    Wow, I have to strongly second Rickard on this – this thread is straight out of the 1950s! The comments are full of gender stereotypes, and the husband/dad is a grown man who should be able to figure out how to boil water.

    I mean, really – sex is a “thing” that women should dole out as a reward when men “help” with chores? Girls who learn how to cook or do their own laundry no longer want employment, just marriage? Husbands who do learn skills have to learn them from mom?

    FWIW, I’m a wife, not a husband, but I learned how to do laundry and how to cook mostly from my Dad, and that wasn’t nearly as uncommon as people in this thread seem to think.

    @Catherine: good luck with getting better, and with dealing with the chores themselves and the perfectionism issue. Are you in a position to re-negotiate chores and cooking duties with your husband? My husband had to learn a lot of this stuff as an adult (read: once we got together in college), and it’s helped us both to position these kinds of tasks as things that we do to make our home nice for our family, rather than any specific person’s sole responsibility.

    As for your daughter, she will be grateful to know how to do these things for herself once she gets to college or moves out. 5 years is more than enough time to learn how not to shrink wool =)

33. Posted by Ann - 12/18/2010

    As a mother of two young men in their early 20s who are just learning to really cook and do housework, I completely sympathize. Although I strove from the time they were small to teach them, my husband frequently undermined those efforts by expecting me to do them instead (like his mother did) and by waiting on them too much himself, over my objections. Now that they’ve taken it on themselves to learn to really cook(because they feel bad for not being more independent), they’re learning quickly, doing a fine job, and enjoying being able to create real meals.

    However, even though my efforts didn’t go very well, I disagree with the idea that children shouldn’t learn basic life skills when they’re young. I agree with Panig that children need time to play and do homework. But in fact, homework is one of the primary reasons children often don’t learn these basic skills today; so much homework was assigned when my kids were growing up that it severely cut into our family time and time for me to teach them those skills.

    However, she thinks “it is important for children to develop other skills ( like leadership, time management, money management, academic and social)over household skills such as cooking or ironing.” As I did say to my kids when they were growing up, despite my failures in following through sufficiently, the basic life skills of taking care of a house and yourself are the same ones needed for most other tasks.

    Nothing teaches time management like getting all the components of a good meal on the table at once, including planning the menu and buying the ingredients. Cooking also requires and helps reinforce academic skills: reading, math, social (working with others and choosing nutritious foods that everybody likes or will eat), and knowing how much time and money it all costs definitely motivates people to get good jobs to pay for it all.

34. Posted by Another Deb - 12/18/2010

    As an 8th grade teacher, all I see all day long is the skill level of 13 year-olds. I treasure the moments when a student asks “Do you need any help with that?” or the students who willingly pass out papers, wipe up a spill, organize their lab station or help another student with a problem. These are not just “housework” skills. They are learning teamwork and cooperation, problem solving and how to be competent. One of the BASIC human needs is to feel capable.

    Sadly, I am seeing more and more helplessness. “My pencil doesn’t work” and “What time is it?” (when the clock is 4 feet away).

35. Posted by Narelle @ Cook Clean Craft - 12/18/2010

    This gave me flashbacks to when I was about 11 or 12 and my Mum got sick (just a flu). Dad could only cook bacon and eggs, and generally expected dinner on the table when he got in the door from work. I’d always helped my Mum cooked dinner, but I never paid attention to the timing of things. I ended up going back and forth to my Mum in bed, saying “I’ve cut up the carrots, now what do I do?” about a million times. I’m sure it was more exhausting for Mum than just cooking dinner herself!

    As for the comment that learning to do housework will result in a girl now longer wanting a career, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I wanted to earn as much money as I could so I could pay someone to do all the household chores I didn’t want to do.

36. Posted by Natalie in West Oz - 12/18/2010

    I broke my foot in three places last year. The time I was in the wheelchair (6 weeks) and on crutches (6 weeks) was HELL. MY boys learned to do lots but my husbands attitude was shocking. He doesnt cope well under pressure and when confronted with having to do everything he decided to do nothing. Simply went to work and left me to do everything. So I did what I could – I rang my church and asked for help. And help came. And you know what hubby did? He told me off for letting others see the state the house was in and for admitting we needed help. Apparently, even though he was grumpy as hell when I asked for the simplest things (like some food) he was GOING to vaccuum, and GOING to do the washing and GOING to bring said washing in off the line. He never did though!

    It was honestly the worst 3 months of my life, mostly for the knowledge that I cannot depend on the one person who is meant to support me in times of need (in sickness and in health etc). I was thrilled that my 5 and 9 yr olds were able to be so helpful and I was even more determined to keep procedures in place that minimised the damage if something else happened and I couldnt do the things that need to be done. This year I went back to work full time for the first time in 11 years and those procedures are needed. Again, hubby has not stepped up to pull his weight (and no his mum did not do everything for him – she was very lazy and his dad did everything)but I am far more vocal about telling him so since I am not helpless and lying on a couch worried that nobody will get fed!

    Do we need marriage counselling? Hell yeah, and if we dont get it, I’ll be leaving home when the boys do! in the meantime however, I am at least making sure my boys know what to do and how to do it so that when they are faced with overwhelming moments, they step up rather than sticking their heads in the sand.

37. Posted by Grammie Linda - 12/18/2010

    When I was growing up, my mother wanted to do more than housework, and before it was fashionable for women to go back to college, she enrolled at Ohio State. She was determined that we would not “suffer”, but her primary reason for doing everything was that she was a perfectionist. Neighbors who were home full time had the children do the dishes after dinner, but we never did.

    The result? I felt totally incompetent to do anything around the house, and it led to my feeling inadequate in lots of things, plus a real push towards perfectionism. I determined our children would not have that start in life. We had them participate in the housework, made easier because my husband was home with our first child for her first 19 months. I had them help paint storm windows and wash the windows in the fall (old house). I knew when the windows were streaky or some of the windows needed some pain removed from the glass, but they felt COMPETENT.

    Once our elder daughter was out of high school and working at a school as a volunteer for a year before starting college, she said, “Sure, I can grout windows and paint them.” and she DID. She thanked me while in college for allowing her to learn those skills as a child, as several of her friends were lost in laundry and housekeeping. Her sister has always kept a very nice home, and helps us out tremendously now that I am ill.

    Anybody who can read can cook. They just need confidence! My husband proved that. He went from cooking food I could barely eat to being our primary cook over the years. If you can read, you can read the instruction manual for the dishwasher, which tells you how to load it. Give them the tools and let them do it!

38. Posted by Squidly - 12/18/2010

    This brings back memories of when my mother broke BOTH elbows. I think I was in jr high school and my siblings were in mid-years of elementary school. In those days if you broke your elbow, you had a cast from your fingers to your elbows and bent.

    While my father was completely capable of everything from laundry to cooking (and did those things anyway) and we kids had previously had certain “character building” chores, we were all thrown into the deep end, on this one. My father had to take a leave from work because my mother couldn’t straighten her elbows or bring them up to her mouth. She counted on him to help her with personal hygiene (if a marriage can survive that!) and the kids had to actually feed her until my dad rigged up a LONG fork and spoon that she could maneuver and lean into! The kids would also turn pages on her books or magazines.

    And while things were definitely not perfect, my siblings and I learned a LOT of skills we hadn’t conquered yet like: when shrimp is gray, it’s raw – you have to cook it before you serve it, top sheets go upside down or you won’t see the design when you turn it down over the comforter, and that straight on bleach is NOT a good idea for a load of jeans. Luckily on that last one, I caught my brother just before he poured half the bottle into the washer in his attempt to “help” my mom.

    And while I remember her nerves being frayed from her inability to even go to the bathroom herself, I only remember her thanking us for our help. And it made us all proud to be contributing to her recovery and happily now all in our 40s, certainly it helped us learn to be self-sufficient for when we left for college.

39. Posted by Sue - 12/18/2010

    I also call BS to Panig. I wasn’t taught any household chores growing up. And I struggled. I ate like crap through my 20s because I didn’t know how to cook anything healthy. I still don’t really have a house cleaning system in place, and I’m never sure I’m even doing it right.

    I don’t think that it would have been detrimental to my career had I learned these skills as a child, but it would have helped me tremendously as an adult.

40. Posted by Panig - 12/18/2010

    I don’t believe that if children who don’t learn how to cook and clean will flounder around when they go to college. It depends on the person. My son who never touched a vacuum or loaded the dishwasher a single time (when he lived at home), lived in a studio apartment by himself, while going to college. During that time he tought music 20 hours a week while attending classes full time. He kept immaculate records of his student’s times, who paid and who had not paid etc. He ate out a lot, during college years, but that was because of lack of time to shop etc and the fact that for a single person it may be cheaper to eat out and bring back the left overs for another time. But on occasion he would grill on his porch or bake fish in the oven. He will eat that with bread and salad. He kept houseplants which were beautiful and his bed was always made. His closet was straight and bathroom clean. I know this because he went to college in the same town where we live. He will even suggest to me what spices to buy to put on the fish. When I asked him where he learned to cook, he would say, ” from the Internet”.

41. Posted by Panig - 12/18/2010

    I believe that it is not if children leave home knowing how to do household chores, but it is the feeling they receive from their parents while they are growing up-that is what makes or breaks them. Do they feel loved and cherished? Are they treated as their own person and not an extension of the parents? If the stage is set right and environment conducive, children thrive and prosper. If home life is not happy and there is tension, then no amount of household chores will do any good for any child.

42. Posted by Sue - 12/19/2010

    I guess I was unloved, and my home was awful, then. Because even though I ended up doing extremely well in college and in my career, I never learned how to clean and have been struggling with it ever since. I did eventually teach myself how to cook. But I was a little busy with school when I first left home – first college and then grad school. Learning how to cook and clean was low on my list of priorities. My circumstances are a little different from your sweeping generalizations because my father raised me alone, and he really never learned how to cook and clean so he couldn’t teach me. I don’t blame him, but I think my 20s would have been a lot smoother had I learned these skills as a child.

    Every child should be taught basic life skills by their parents. That includes cleaning skills, basic budgeting skills, manners, how to ride a bicycle and swim. Most of young adults I see today whose parents did everything for them are struggling with their new independence, while the ones who learned life skills are not. Not all – some figure it out quicker than others, of course.

    Isn’t that a parent’s job – to prepare your child for adulthood?

43. Posted by Bhars - 12/19/2010

    Totally agree with Erin’s advice. Catherine,

    I am a working mom with a ten months old infant and I fractured my arm last month. I did let the home crumble looking after exactly my top priorities – cooking and caring for the baby and let everything else be a mess. Unfolded clothes, vessels left on the counter, etc.

    I am off the cast now and things are getting better now but looking back, I do not regret the choices I made at that time. As other commenters say try to let go of perfectionism… and enjoy teaching more skills to your child…

    And get completely well soon.

44. Posted by Christine - 12/20/2010

    Just joining in to say, yes, it’s time to let husband and daughter take over because that’s what family does (and not just what the girl does). Some of that means letting perfection (aka your “more efficient” way) slide. Think of it this way: if all these tasks are PRIMARILY your responsibility (due to you being at home, your husband working out of the home and your daughter being in school), you’ve had more time to hone your routines/skills at these areas. They have not. That does not mean they are not capable, it just means they are not (necessarily) going to be as efficient as you are.

    They learn how to help out family when things are difficult so I don’t agree with not letting them take on household tasks. They learn to manage their time better. They learn to be thankful for when you do do those tasks. And yes, they learn some of the lifeskills that they will need as adults. Sure, they can learn some of these things as an adult, but not everyone does, or there is a great learning curve, and many don’t learn to cooperate with others or share tasks properly (since many kids do have a roommate at some point in their lives). New habits are hard to form, particularly when it’s not exciting.

    My mom did believe in housework, but she didn’t believe in a student having a job (personally, I think it depends on circumstances, the particular kid, etc). I had to get a job in college secretly (and later with my mom’s blessing) and my grades got better b/c I learned to do better with my time.

    I used to be adamant about doing things like loading the dishwasher for “maximum efficiency” but then I realized it looked like only mom does these sorts of tasks. Yes, they are primarily my responsibility b/c I happen to be the one around to do them, but I’m definitely not the only one to do them. The kids know I do them b/c I’m here, but they also know that dad cleans up the dishes and makes a meal sometimes.

    And when hubby come home we are both still “on the clock” b/c we have 3 small children (11mos, 4yrs, 6 yrs).

    And as someone mentioned, in the end, just focus on the things that are the most important (meals, necessary cleaning/laundry) and then ask them to help chip in with those items. When they are not used to doing it, they are going to simply need (polite) requests to help since it won’t be something they’re used to.

45. Posted by disconnect - 12/20/2010

    “what do I do to keep things in reasonable shape until I can move again?”

    Start by lowering your standards. Are the dishes in the dishwasher, queued for the dishwasher (ideally rinsed), or put away? Are the floors and counters free of food? Is the garbage can in its spot and not overflowing or extra-smelly? Then the kitchen’s done. The rest of the house: are all dirty dishes/food removed? Are the floors clean of obstructions? Are the floors relatively clean of dirt? That’s done. Laundry: do you have clothes for the next two days? All set.

    If your house isn’t inviting bugs, noticeably dirty (I’m talking mud smeared on the floor), or offering a hazard to navigation, and if you have clothes to wear tomorrow, then you’re all set. If you need clothes after tomorrow and somebody else is responsible, you need to let him/her know. Otherwise, recognize that what you have is not ideal, but acceptable. Regarding your daughter’s clothes, 13 is arguably old enough to start tracking her own laundry, and realizing that you’re out of clean clothes and you have five minutes to get dressed is an awesome teaching moment (as is the realization that yes, you can wear clothing that’s “dirty-by-American-standards”, i.e. it was worn once to school and doesn’t have obvious stains or odors). Your husband is presumably old enough to take care of his own laundry needs.

    “And get a decent, healthy dinner that they can cook with almost no cooking skills?”

    Have a couple go-to recipes. Some of my favorites:

    Spaghetti, quick marinara (1 can crushed tomatoes, some tomato paste, salt, sugar, parsley and basil as desired), salad or (frozen and microwaved) peas, chicken cutlets (option: substitute cannellini beans for the chicken). Teaches planning, timing (start the sauce, then the spaghetti, then the peas, then the chicken), and sauteing. You can substitute a jar of sauce for the extra-easy version or the beans for the vegetarians.

    Split pea soup, brown rice, maybe some raw vegetables. The soup can be made ahead of time and is good for two dinners, and as a meal is amazingly filling.

    Steak, mashed potatoes, (frozen and microwaved) broccoli. Steak can be done on the grill, the potatoes don’t need to be peeled, broccoli is broccoli.

    What do you like to cook? What about them is so difficult that a 13-year old girl and presumably mentally competent guy can’t do? And what can they do to compensate? “Cooking skills” are overhyped; lack of knife skills can be compensated by judicious use of a food processor, and a good saute flip accomplishes the same thing as stirring with a wooden spoon. The key is project management: what materials will I need for this project? What steps do I need to take, and which are more critical? What is my timeline? And what is my goal?

    Incidentally, I cooked in great restaurants for three years, I was a construction worker for a short period of time, and I’ve been an aerospace engineer for a very long period of time, and all those careers benefit from those same project management skills.

46. Posted by disconnect - 12/20/2010

    Okay, I just reread the first paragraph, and “start by lowering your standards” sounds pretty harsh! So I’m sorry about that, please don’t be offended.

    Now, if minimum standards aren’t being met, then yeah, something needs to be done. My rule is that I’ll ignore things out of the normal travel paths as long as they’re not dirt/food/clothes, but everything else has to be taken care of before we can move on to the next thing. So my 4-year olds put their toys away, put shoes in the closet, put clothes in the designated laundry area, scrape their plates into the garbage after dinner, and put their plates into the sink. (And no, they don’t do these things unprompted, nor always when asked, and I’m careful to help them clean up their stuff as well as ask them for help cleaning up my things.) But I’ve had to rein myself in from complaining because there’s a pile of boxes in the corner of the dining room, and I don’t organize their books anymore (I used to reset their library every day, but one day I realized how absurd it was to expect them to keep board books on one side, book sets go here, spines out and vertical, and I’m content that all their books are in one bin). So that’s where I’m coming from.

47. Posted by Jess - 12/23/2010

    I’m 38 weeks pregnant w/ baby number 2 and in a nesting frenzy. I had a minor meltdown last night because my husband told me he planned for us to use paper plates for a few weeks after the baby is born (we have no dishwasher). Then I got over my (hormonally induced? that’s my excuse…) tears and realized my husband will take care of things just fine while I’m recovering from the birth. Paper plates, spaghetti and take out for a few weeks is juuuuust fine.

    My Mom (and Grandparents) were/are the kind who constantly criticize anyone who tries to help them do anything (no one on earth knows how to wash dishes like my grandfather and my Mom has the ability to criticize how I cut celery– celery!). I’ve tried to overcome this with my son (almost 4 years old) by letting him help as much as I can. He’s not even four but he can help set and clear the table, crack eggs, help mix things, toss salad, rinse dishes (that I’ve washed) and (of course) clean up his own toys (though he sometimes needs a bit of help). Does he do everything perfectly, just the way I would? No. But he loves helping, loves feeling like he’s part of the team and making a useful contribution. The only time he gets soured on helping out is when I’m too perfectionistic about what I want him to do (he bailed on a Christmas cookie baking session recently when I got too anal about the cookies looking perfect…luckily, I realized my mistake and there’s more cookie dough in the fridge).

    It’s not just household skills (he has plenty of time to learn how to do his own laundry, etc.) it’s more about teamwork, courtesy and being a family. Just tonight I was delighted by the look of pride and accomplishment on his face when he set the table entirely by himself (with some direction by me about the things we needed on the table). BTW, his Dad isn’t the greatest cook (I do most of the cooking) but he’s great at cleaning up, keeping things tidy, laundry, etc. (my son also loves helping him with his chores). Again, not always perfectly the way I would do it, but a much better alternative to doing everything myself or nagging/complaining! (Crazed pregnancy nesting not withstanding

48. Posted by Cindy - 12/23/2010

    Try to use this time to focus inward and re-discover yourself. When your daughter flies the coop, you’ll need to have a hobby or activity other than cooking, cleaning & keeping the house running that you enjoy. Trust me, from the daughter’s perspective – finding something you enjoy to pass the time now will go a long way for both of your futures! Read, research something online, find a craft, make & order a digital photo book (try Shutterfly) plan a vacation for when your healed, etc.

    I know I don’t enjoy housework, but I put what I do enjoy on hold so the house isn’t a wreck. Then we I have a few quiet moments, I don’t break out my hobbies because I need the thoughtless silence. But several weeks with a free pass? Heck yeah, I’d be elbow deep in scrap paper, photos, stickers, and have several scrapbooks to show for it

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