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Unitasker Wednesday: Specialized steak branding irons
All Unitasker Wednesday posts are jokes — we don’t want you to buy these items, we want you to laugh at their ridiculousness. Enjoy!
When March rolls onto the calendar, I begin preparations for the coming warmer weather months. I plant seedlings for my garden, wipe down the patio furniture, and clean up the grill. Additionally, I bring out my vast collection of specialized steak branding irons.
What’s that? You don’t have a collection of steak branding irons? How is this possible?! Didn’t you rush out and buy one after we wrote about the monogrammed steak brand in our Unitasker column two and a half years ago? I can’t believe you didn’t! Shocking!!!
Well, now is the perfect time to jump on the steak branding iron bandwagon! Start your collection with a double heart branding iron, because nothing says “I love you” quite like a branded steak:
Or a Marine insignia branding iron — for your steaks, not new recruits:
Or your Christian fish branding iron, because (religious imagery aside) nothing is funnier than confusing your guests with a fish picture on a slab of beef:
Or your rocking dad branding iron, because we all know dads who brand their meat really do rock:
You can even buy the entire set of more than 20 specialized steak branding irons for just $524.
Join the fun, and let your meat speak!
(A special thanks to reader Alyson for introducing us to this very bizarre trend in grilling.)
22 comments posted
Posted by Sarah S. - 03/10/2010
I knew the day would come when I had to admit having a part in a Unitasker.
I gave this as a gift to a college professor who grilled steaks for students regularly. He wrote me a recommendation, loved that I was from Texas and this was the only thing I could think of as thanks. Now I realize I have cluttered his life with novelty. Alas.
Posted by Mary - 03/10/2010
I have seen other branding irons for steaks that mark them with rare, med. rare, etc. Those I see as much more useful if you do a lot of grilling, especially for guests. Probably a lot cheaper too and most likely take up less space.
Posted by Leah - 03/10/2010
The one place I could see this being marginally useful is in a novelty restaurant. I mean, it might be kind of fun to have branded steaks at some chintzy place. You could even pick out your brand! But, on the whole, nothing that we all need.
Posted by Michelle J. - 03/10/2010
Great. I own one of these too. I bought a “J” monogram branding iron for my new husband while I was on a road trip. I have never been so ashamed.
Posted by knitwych - 03/10/2010
This is one Unclutterer post that I won’t be sharing w/DBF the Grill King. He’d want the whole freaking set!!
Posted by Katie - 03/10/2010
So, okay, I’m one of the people who came out in defense (a weak defense, admittedly) of the monogram branding irons a couple of years ago. My stance would be stronger if we had, um, ever used it since then.
But now I’m also struck by the weirdness of branding a piece of meat and eating it. Like, “DAD.” Doesn’t that kind of imply that the steak is Dad? How about one that just says, “PEOPLE.”
Posted by Stormbringer - 03/10/2010
So much for letting the quality speak for itself.
Posted by sydney - 03/10/2010
@Sarah S., as a gift in the context you mentioned — it was probably perfect. I think my advisor would love one of these.
I giggled when I saw Amazon’s “Frequently bought together”
Steak branding iron + “Spaceballs” the movie.
I took a screenshot: http://screencast.com/t/ZWQ2ZWUwOD
Posted by Sky - 03/10/2010
As a vegetarian….yuk!
Posted by Jimena - 03/10/2010
speaking of vegetarian… these were featured in the movie ‘Outsourced’. when they try to set up a calling center in rural India and have to explain to the clerk exactly what people in the states do to pieces of cow… a little on the nose…
Posted by Happy Dogs - 03/10/2010
So, when will the Unclutterer logo branding iron be available on Amazon?
Posted by Jess - 03/10/2010
Ugh, my husband got one of these with our last initial as a groomsman’s gift– we don’t even own a grill! The darling man spent about 10 minutes following me around our apartment and poking me in the butt with it (don’t worry– it wasn’t hot!). The thing has been in the utensil drawer ever since.
Posted by Erin - 03/10/2010
Made a pact with my mother on gift giving. We both decided we wanted no more stuff to clutter up our homes. We only give perishable gifts. These include flowers on occasion. Mostly it is fruit baskets, nice wine, Greek olives, French jams or jellies or gourmet chocolates. We even shop for the items to make our Christmas gift baskets together (so we get the special treats we love) and fill them with gourmet edible goodies which are usually all gone by March. It is a fun tradition, and no more stuff to store. We even re-use the baskets each year with a different bow.
Posted by gb - 03/10/2010
Does it work on tofu?
Posted by Suz - 03/10/2010
I think my kids would love this. I have visions of them running around trying to brand each other.
Posted by Brit - 03/10/2010
Freaky. Just plain…freaky.
Posted by Another Deb - 03/10/2010
Think of the marketing opportunities they will have when Soylent Green comes on the market and you can really “identify” with your food.
Posted by Kelly - 03/10/2010
My dad has one of these of his favorite sports team’s logo. He’s used it some, but it only works on certain meat.
Posted by How good is a JDL Ceramic 1" Professional Flat Iron? - 03/10/2010
[...] Unitasker Wednesday: Specialized steak branding irons | Unclutterer [...]
Posted by David - 03/11/2010
On a vegetarian… yum!
(Seriously, this is obviously not aimed at vegetarians, so why bother commenting about it?)
Posted by Linda - 03/12/2010
Just think of all the extra meat that’s going to be consumed, just because it’s so cool to brand it first….
Greetings from the netherlands!
Posted by LMR - 06/03/2010
The one with the Christian fish symbol is weird and I’m not sure what it implies. I guess it’s for the one Christian at your cookout, but would you really label your guests’ food by their religion? Then why not just use a hot, glowing burning cross? Oh, wait. Never mind.
What would be interesting would be one of those Darwin fish with the feet for your athiest guests. A slight change of fate and the cow you’re eating could have been you!
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