From my own experiences from my mother’s estate: There will be things that need to go that are obvious (ie. medication, things only useful to the deceased, etc.) My mom was borderline hoarder. There was a lot of garbage, such as 4 broken tv’s in the backyard that needed to go ASAP. My mother also had a baby grand piano. That was less obvious and left my house (the one I inherited from her) about 6 years later. Just make peace with the fact that this will take a long time.

Over time, think about how you want to remember the person and try to distill that into as few possessions as possible. There will be some crossover with your own life and experiences, and those possessions will be the hardest to get rid of.

Having just done this, (actually still doing it), here is my advice – set a time limit (ex. 2 or 3 years) as to when all items that are donated or sold will be eliminated in that manner. After that – put it in the trash. Waiting to find “just the right place” for something in order for it not to go to waste is admirable, but after years it can become paralyzing, and then little has been accomplished other than to prolong pain and depression. My two cents, hope it helps.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there’s not much else that can be said that is comforting right now. I hope that you and your mother are doing as ok as possible each day.

I completely agree with Erin. When you and your mother are ready to go through your father’s belongings, a professional organizer can be a very helpful, objective, understanding, non-judgmental third party. As Erin suggested, the right personality fit is key.

As a professional organizer, I also know that it can take families a while until they are ready to start the process, I think because on some level people understand the effort that will be required. What is helpful about hiring a professional is that they can help minimize and ease the discomfort during the time “it gets worse before it gets better.”

I hope you and your mom are able to give yourselves kindness and patience during this time. There is no right way to grieve – having lost my own father – and no right timeframe to do it in. My prayers are with you and your mom.

Vania

Sometimes it makes me feel emotional to go through past memories but I try to view it that by my taking care of the things that I am still taking care of him. It’s hard to explain. Yes I could call in a charity or moving company to haul the stuff away but I chose to do it myself because I want to handle his stuff in a dignified manner just as I took care of him in life. I want to take care of his stuff after death. It’s important to me to do it this way.

The only things I cannot handle is his clothing and shoes. I have asked my husband if he could bag that stuff up. I just don’t have the heart to do that myself.

If you need the help of a personal organizer try to contact one. They are very helpful by nature and will help you go through your stuff in a very careful and thought out manner. Good Luck

I have in-laws who are hoarders, and who have the most disgusting garbage from their dead parents. Half-used make-up is the least of it. I want to take your article and beat them over the head with it.

This case is obviously different, since the mother is still living there, but may be helpful in other cases.

I think a lot depends on how many surviving relatives there are and how close they are, geographically and emotionally, but I think it would be smartest to ask people to choose things quickly and not put anything into storage. Even if there are future generations, they may not really want much.

Remember too that much donated stuff can’t be used. It’s often simpler to just pitch stuff out than take marginal items to Goodwill that they have to sort through and then pitch anyway, unless you really have a lot of time and energy available. There’s so much stuff in this country, and for those who are inclined to clutter, saying you’ll donate stuff often means procrastination.

Armed with a roll of stamps, a box of envelopes, and a huge stack of unwanted catalogs and letters in the recycling bin, I was able to stem that tide. It gave me something concrete to do as we spent long hours in the house just talking and grieving.

This task can also be given to a friend or neighbor who wants to help out. Just be sure to instruct them to set aside anything that looks personal or official. This will greatly reduce the amount of paper that the grieving spouse has to look through later for important items.

Each of us has to live with our own feelings. The kinder we can be to each other when in deep grief, the better.

To John, who lost his dad and is helping his mom cope with her new life, my condolences. From all these wonderful experiences that have been shared, take what advice will help your mom and you the most. My heartfelt wishes for your peace of mind as you go through this difficult process.

Ruth

Reducing the overall bulk for your mother will be very helpful for her. One thing I’ve found useful is to first identify things that may be really valuable or emotional and just resolve to do those later. If they go into storage, they won’t be accessible to help in her grieving and no one will ever want to sort through them later. I’d leave those things as they are now, even if they’re not handy, even if they ARE in the way. I wouldn’t make decisions about some of these things for a year if you can possibly put that off.

Then, I’d identify things that no one will care about. It WILL help her to have less stuff around. Ideally this will be something like clothing or tools. In my case, my husband didn’t care much for his clothes; I saved a few things and gave much away to thrift stores (find one that picks up) almost immediately. It was easy. The tools were heavy, but I thought I’d use them, but many women aren’t handy and would be happy to sell those right away.

I’m not sure a professional organizer is really warranted unless there are a lot of assets. Nonetheless, we all tend to forget the true cost of paying “rent” for junk that we’re not using (Don’t say “junk” in front of your mother — she’ll start in a few months but let it be her choice not yours!).

Above all, don’t just the grieving person, and understand that as child, you are grieving too. Honor yourself by asking your mother early on for a few things that would mean something to you. Keep in mind through the next few years that one or two mementoes have as much value as 100 or 200. And try to extend this privilege to everyone who cared — it’s only stuff, and not worth the kind of fights that USUALLY happen over effects.

Join a grief group for more ideas on how to cope. You’d be amazed how much energy the topic of dead people’s stuff holds, and sharing can be really therapeutic.

Best to your family and sorry for your loss.

X

Supa