Comments on: Ask Unclutterer: Mom the mailer

By: Dave

Dave — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 23:31:09 +0000

Cut your Mom a break. She enjoys clipping the articles and thinking of you reading them. Perhaps she doesn’t need to change or be “trained” to send links. How about you change! Read the articles be happy she sends them and,oh my God here is an idea, write her a note of thanks and send it snail mail. Picture the joy on her face when she reads your note and then rereads it several times during the next few weeks until you send another or come home.

By: Karyn

Karyn — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 19:44:50 +0000

@Melinda – Yes, I do understand the point about how this is really a minor issue in terms of environmental impact, and some of the other practical points raised. That’s fine, and I’ve even affirmed some of those points in previous comments.

What’s NOT fine is the way in which some people have been framing this issue as if the young woman had committed some horrible wrong against being a Good Daughter and how “you know, it might be meaningful to your mom” has morphed into shaming her for being so “thoughtless” as to even raise the question in the first place. I think all of the exaggerated shame-talk is blowing things WAY out of proportion, here.

Truth is, she hasn’t done anything shameful or wrong in asking her question. It seems like everyone’s identifying with the mom–or their own mental images of the mom–and nobody’s empathizing at all with the daughter’s point of view. Maybe her surface concern about the ecological footprint is masking a deeper concern about being able to establish personal boundaries, to be able to say to her own mother (the last frontier in separation and independence, I think we’d all agree!), “You know, I appreciate that you care, but I really don’t want/need this.”

Maybe what the daughter really needs is a course in How To Say “No” to Mom Without Fear of Being Perceived as an Ungrateful Unloving Daughter Who Will Be Sorry Someday When Mom Is Gone.

Anyway, whether or not you understand my concerns, here, I’m mainly posting on the chance that the young woman may be watching responses, so she knows there are other ways of looking at the situation, and maybe even takes a bit of support from it after the battering she’s gotten in this thread.

By: Shalin

Shalin — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:39:54 +0000

Just a few thoughts:

Moms can do soo many loving things…that also get to be annoying.

On one hand…how would you feel after getting URL links that can easily be glanced over and forgotten (as you Mom may fear would happen) vs. having tactile, “handcrafted” news from home sent with love from none other than Mom…

I’m sure there’s a way to accommodate the core interests of both parties in some other manner…but I just wanted to mention that thought…

Best,
Shalin

By: Melinda

Melinda — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 11:34:27 +0000

@ Karyn, I think what people are trying to get at, is not to sweat the small stuff, in the grand scheme of life where so much can go wrong, as you know (been through the same as you Karyn, so I know too) this article mailing business really is a very trivial thing for her to worry about, yet it possibly is important to the mother. It seems as though it would be much easier for the daughter to recycle them, than to potentially hurt the mother’s feelings. The daughter might end up saying something to her mother, it’s really up to her.

By: Cynthia Friedlob, The Thoughtful Consumer

Cynthia Friedlob, The Thoughtful Consumer — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:37:49 +0000

Another vote here for leaving Mom alone and appreciating the time she takes to think of her daughter. A few clippings on a weekly basis are not a big deal. If the daughter’s only complaint is that she is concerned about the environmental impact of her mother’s kind gesture, I think she’s way off base.

I like Celeste’s comment that no one should tally up the carbon footprint of love! Nice comment by Jimmy to Hanna, too, about reopening communication with her father.

By: Phil

Phil — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 23:54:37 +0000

Buy her a scanner which integrates with her email program.
She can clip articles to her heart’s content, have them emailed to you and recycle them. She saves on postage and you get all the articles in your inbox.

By: Karyn

Karyn — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 21:05:34 +0000

I don’t see what “someday your mother is going to DIE” has to do with an honest difference of opinion. Are there people out there who’ve NEVER disagreed with their mothers? Do we really need to drag in the “you don’t appreciate your mother” shame card? Of course Cate’s mother is going to die someday; we’re ALL going to die someday, in case anyone hasn’t figured that out yet. I live every day with that awareness, but I don’t dwell on it; I just live my life, day by day, as it unfolds, and I don’t let the fact that the person I’m interacting with is going to die someday affect my opinions or interactions.

My own mother died last September, suddenly, of a previously-undetected cancer that had metastasized. Did I regret ever disagreeing with her, or regret that I didn’t accept every doo-dad she wanted to pass on my way? No. I regretted that she went into that hospital on a beautiful August day thinking her symptoms pointed to a severe form of arthritis, only to find that she was about to die of cancer beyond treatment. I regretted that she had to face death so suddenly and so traumatically. I regretted that she would never go back to her home and to her gardens, never get to decorate outrageously for Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas that year. I regretted that everything was taken from her without warning, and that she died two weeks before her 67th birthday.

I never regretted that she and I were independent-minded people with our own thoughts and opinions and sometimes strong disagreements. That’s who we were. That’s who we are. There was still love and affection, even if we sometimes thought each other to be nuckin’ futz.

And I raised my son to be the same way: think for himself, be free to express his own opinions, without fearing that disagreement equals a lack of love. Because it doesn’t.

No guilt trips, only peace.

By: When does uncluttering become sterilization? « Two Cats and Counting

When does uncluttering become sterilization? « Two Cats and Counting — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 19:02:22 +0000

[...] on the living room floor, strew clothes around the house, and leave dirty dishes on the counter. Yesterday was one such [...]

By: Nancy F.

Nancy F. — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 18:39:07 +0000

I thought the point of uncluttering wasn’t to sterilize our lives but to allow us to focus more energy on our relationships, etc.

It is silly of me to add what’s already been said, but this is an emotional response rather than a rational on, much like my mom sending me clippings.

She was once a bit letter writer. She was the glue that held friendships together by making sure communication happened. She still has close friends from her childhood, high school, and college. Now, at 83, she is less able to write letters. Now she clips articles and sends them in the mail. It is still her way of staying in touch, letting me know she’s thinking of me. It’s no more an environmental drain than if the envelope included a letter. Perhaps we should do away with physical mail altogether, but electronic media also has an environmental cost.

And, it is still a grace and pleasure to receive mail that has tangibly traveled from here to there. Keep sending the articles, Mom. I love you, too.

By: Caroline

Caroline — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 18:08:03 +0000

I used to be so annoyed with the clippings that my Mother would send me. Some interesting some not. She is dead now, and I now understand that that was her way of sending her love, and her way of communicating. I did not appreciate that at the time – convinced that my way was the right way — always. It was easier for my Mother to do this than to talk to me directly. Same with my Grandma. I think being a mature, empathetic adult means that we see past our views on how things should be done, and allow others to have their own needs and opinions. Just enjoy it while you can – it won’t be forever.

By: Anca

Anca — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:44:49 +0000

I don’t see how “get over it” is constructive advice.

Cate should call her mom, tell her she appreciates her clippings, but that maybe they could alter the format to save time, money, and mailbox clutter. Her mom could still clip out the articles if she insists on receiving the hardcopy version of the paper, but once a week Cate can go to the paper’s website, call up her mom, and they can browse and discuss the articles together. I’m sure the mom will appreciate this increased level of mom/daughter interaction.

By: jimmy

jimmy — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:26:45 +0000

@Hanna – clip something out of tomorrow’s paper and send it to your Dad. Only one of you has to make the first move to mend your heart.

By: jimmy

jimmy — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 16:23:50 +0000

I suggest that the original writer takes the time once in a while to write a note to her mother (pen, paper, envelope and stamp) thanking her for the clippings and telling her how she enjoyed reading them, and maybe starting a discussion about one of the topics. Her mother will be overjoyed to get such a letter. That would be priceless.

By: deb

deb — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 12:00:10 +0000

This is just silly. If you really want to get nit-picky how page clutter is here talking about it (including my silly post)?

My dad dies a few years ago. I can’t tell you how much I would LOVE to have him alive to send me clippings every single week. Treasure it and stop making a problem out of it. I think the environmental impact of the situation is terribly inflated. Please don’t tell you mom to stop taking the newspaper that she obviously loves reading. Some day she’ll be gone and you’ll wonder why you made a problem out of this.

ps: My mom send me those mass emailings of urban legends and stuff to every single person in her address book. So impersonal and gosh darn it, it clutters up my inbox. Do I say anything? No. There’s that delete button, I use it. I suggest you just use the trash can or compost the clippings.

By: Moose G

Moose G — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 09:02:34 +0000

As someone who is probably of ‘that’ generation, i think of snail mail as the ultimate in luxury communication.

Anything sent via postal mail shows immediately that is has been sent with thought and concern, and is recieved with this extra message intact.

Clutter doesn’t just relate to physical objects, it can also relate to processes as well.

1. Read paper
2. if interesting aritcle – clip
2.. Continue reading paper
4. Put clippings into envelope
5. Post when near post office

is a far less cluttered process than

1. Read paper
2. If article interesting, highlihg
3. Switch computer on
4. Connect to internet
5. Open e-mail client (or log into web mail)
6. Search for story on website.
7. Copy link (if you are able to) into e-mail.
8. Mail to daughter

So in your attempt to avoid 1 envelope per week, that will take you less time to deal with than e-mail, you are wanting to add unneccesary clutter into your mother’s life, and possibly deprive her of doign something she enjoys doing, and also encourage her to stay in and not maintain her mobility and independence. Way to go, forward thinking and modern there.

As others have said, you will miss her when she has gone. I know lots of people right now who could do with a mother like yours.