Comments on: A family’s decision to say yes to what matters most to them

By: Kelli

Kelli — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 16:29:22 +0000

We made a similar decision when the activities of our four children made it actually impossible to get them to all the places they wanted to go at the same time. Because we lived in a neighborhood with good sidewalks and bike paths, we told them they could choose only one activity that required car transport – and one other if they could if they could get themselves to it by their own steam. In response to complaints about X’s family driving THEIR kids across town to Y, we responded calmly that there are good and bad things about every family, that we’re sorry they don’t like this one, but hopefully the good will outweigh the bad for them (every realistic mother’s hope). Recently, my now-adult daughter commented on the happy memories she has of riding her bike and walking to girl scouts, soccer practice, etc. So it didn’t kill them anyway… And it has given us time as a family to enjoy each other before they leave for good.

By: Family Briefs » Blog Archive » Extra, Extra, Extracurricular

Family Briefs » Blog Archive » Extra, Extra, Extracurricular — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 02:50:51 +0000

[...] much stick to TaeKwonDo, ballet, scouts, and church. Many days, I think that’s too much. Poor Jane (not her real name) apparently gets mocked more than we do because she can’t even use her [...]

By: Julia1060

Julia1060 — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 04:03:59 +0000

Great post. I work with overstressed college students who struggle mightily with time and with learning to let go of doing too much (usually not well) in order to focus on nurturing what they love. Too much is not a gift to children; discernment is. PS I love the idea of enjoying music lessons as a family.

By: EngineerMom

EngineerMom — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:15:54 +0000

@Karen – I love the concept of homeschooling as a way to declutter time. It’s one of the reasons I’m looking at homeschooling my son. I remember so much wasted time in school, especially elementary school just getting everyone organized and on task. I remember visiting an art museum in college and thinking how useful it would have been to bring some of my old high school classmates here to make the Chinese history they were learning less dry and more “real” (they had a special presentation of Chinese art through the dynasties).

By: EngineerMom

EngineerMom — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:11:36 +0000

First off, these kids are still really young. You don’t have to start playing t-ball at age 4 in order to make the baseball team in high school. Michael Flatley didn’t take a single Irish dancing lesson until age 11. If you have the talent, it will emerge in its own time.

I’m 27 and the parent of a 1-year-old. My parents restricted us to 1 sport (mandatory) and 1 other activity (optional). The sport was mandatory to keep us active and teach us how to be active adults. I did everything from soccer to basketball to volleyball to swimming to biking to running to weight lifting to discus/shotput to marching band (and if you think that one isn’t a sport, clearly you have never been in a top-ranked marching band!). However, I never did more than one activity at a time. Today, I play pick-up games of basketball, volleyball, and soccer. I lift weights. I can’t run much (messed up knee and foot), but I speed-walk and bike still. I swim three days per week at the local community center.

I also did math club, theater, Rainbow Girls, and a few other things. Again, no more than one at a time.

Our family was unusual because we actually ate a sit-down, homecooked dinner together every night. My friends loved coming over for homemade pizza night on Fridays. We frequently invited other families over for Sunday dinner after church. Because we weren’t running around like crazy people, we had time to actually get to know each other, and for our parents to get to know our friends.

I want that for my husband and kid now, too. I love lazy Sundays at home with my husband and son, just enjoying each other’s company. We love our relaxing Friday pizza-and-a-movie tradition (carried over from my parents’ house!), to which our son’s friends will always be welcome (he’s only 1 now).

I intend to give my child the opportunities to learn whatever he wants to learn, but within reason. Family dinners and relaxing Sunday afternoons are too important to sacrifice on the altar of false opportunity.

By: Organizing Your Way | Surfin’ the Net: 7/5-7/18

Organizing Your Way | Surfin’ the Net: 7/5-7/18 — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 23:46:29 +0000

[...] A Family’s Decision to Say Yes to What Matters Most to Them, Unclutterer [...]

By: Jay

Jay — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:18:58 +0000

Interesting choice that this family has made. They went from “two years of the kids being involved in every program you can name” to one non-family activity for each child.

As the Greeks suggested, “Moderation in all things.” Perhaps there is some middle ground between every program and one activity.

While family activities benefit the kids and the family, inflexibly and arbitrarily limiting the non-family activities to one seems unnecessary. Two non-family activities that meet once a week, require no practice, and are nearby may be less time-consuming than one non-family activity that meets daily, requires practice, and is far away.

Also, keep in mind that some lessons can only be done outside the home. I don’t have a gymnastics facility or swimming pool, so gymnastics and swimming lessons, if my wife and I opt for them, will be outside the home.

In addition, sometimes, to ensure “well-rounded” kids, parents encourage or expose their kids to activities that will bring out other aspects of their personalities or development. The kids would never choose these activities themselves. Limiting non-family activities to one would eliminate these potentially beneficial activities.

By the way, my wife and I have two kids, ages five and two.

By: Katharine

Katharine — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 18:31:39 +0000

We have limited to one regular extracurricular outside my daughters’ church groups. They get to pick, and have found that summer camps and limited-duration activities (i.e. one-day dance clinics and two-week swim lessons) have been a great way for them to try out different activities to find the one they really want to focus on for that year. Even better, both my kids have had some activities (swimming or music) available as part of their day care, so they can do them without the shuttling. If one of the kids was really serious about more than one activity and wanted to do more, we would try to figure out how to make it happen.

@Michelle-You make an important point, though. If parents are limiting their kids’ activities for the sake of family time and well-rested family members, they need to be willing to do the same. I had to quit my local Rotary club and some other volunteer activities, in order to clear my schedule to focus on being a mom. Now, I have one, Weight Watchers, which I justify as it increases the healthfulness of the whole family. Work takes us away from home enough, so limiting activities helps us stay connected as a family and reduces stress.

By: Brad

Brad — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:01:49 +0000

Crystal (the person who only lets her kids do anything in the summer because she “knows what’s right”):

What are your kids going to write on the “extracurricular activities” section of their college applications? “Hung out with Mom”?

By: Jessica

Jessica — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:09:49 +0000

Way to go, Jane. My husband and I have already agreed that we will adopt the same strategy when we have kids. A lot of the commenters against Jane’s decision seem to think she is “selfish.” But how is it selfish to prioritize your marriage and unharried family time? Ultimately, a strong and happy parental marriage is THE GREATEST GIFT you can give your children, and family time is a close second! Perhaps the child doesn’t “get what they want” in the short term. But a happy family is a much greater gift in the long term.

By: Kris

Kris — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:43:49 +0000

Personally, I think there’s a huge difference between “one activity” and “one activity at a time.” The latter provides more freedom for the kids. If it’s the former, then of course he picked year-round karate over summer-only t-ball.

By: Rae

Rae — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 11:46:56 +0000

@mmr “You may not want to be the personal driver of your kids, but you can’t put them on a schedule that is tailored to you.”

Since when? And how is Jane wanting to spend as much quality family time together forcing them to adhere to her schedule?

Way to go, Jane. I’m sure there is no right and wrong in this situation, and what works for her may not work for others, but in this society of self-entitlement, it appears that she has well-adjusted, relatively happy children, and a close-knit family. There is no magic number of activities, and making hard choices is part of life. People that are so completely broke that they can’t afford for their children to attend any outside activities surely have kids that grow up to be fine, so I don’t see the issue with Jane having her children pick just one.

Nice article, Erin. Thanks for sharing.

By: Kara

Kara — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:46:33 +0000

We do one “extracurricular” activity per kid during the school year too. It has a lot to do with time (we both work full time and want to spend downtime hanging out with them), finances (activities are getting really expensive, and our kids – 9 and 11 – get bored of some things and want to drop out if they aren’t clicking), but the MAIN reason is the kid’s stress levels. they are both in special school programs for the highly gifted – so there is just so much schoolwork. We always have “family day” on Sundays – hiking, the aquarium, movies, etc. One day per week for an extra activity seems about perfect for us. On hectic weeks, our 11 year old (girl) will tell us that she is very stressed out (!).
Also, growing up i had school 5 days, Sunday Hebrew school, saturday art classes, wednesday night soccer and spent sundays with my Dad (parents were divorced). I used to always complain that i just wanted some “hangout and bike ride” time with my friends.

By: Queen Lucia

Queen Lucia — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:39:17 +0000

I agree with Nadia – it’s interesting to me that people who disagree with Jane’s rule seem to think that extra-curricular activities are the only way kids get exposure to things. My daughter is allowed one activity at a time (swimming lessons now in the summer, then dance or gymnastics this fall). Aside from that, our daughter participates in activities at our local children’s museum occasionally, we visit other museums and take her to children’s theatre, we regularly schedule play dates with friends and visit local parks, we go camping, we read every night, she has an extensive crafting collection that she uses almost daily, she attends school and its activities, she attends a day care with an emphasis on art and paricipates in their activities…. One outside activity does not assume a dull, uncreative life.

By: Merry

Merry — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 19:07:54 +0000

I actually have read all the comments.
What’s fascinating to me is all the people who read Jane’s situation and read into it their own life story. Because you didn’t react well to this sort of lifestyle is not to say her children won’t. Or maybe some of her children will be fine with it and others not. It depends on the individual personalities of the children.

Yes, I was restricted to one activity growing up. (One activity at a time, anyway.) I was fine with this, as it left me with more time to read, write, paint very bad pictures, and play with my friends. My sister deeply resented having to choose only one activity, and blamed my mother for being so cruel as to be unable to afford all her desires.