Comments on: Should the one-in, one-out rule apply to friends?

By: Eliz

Eliz — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 02:07:19 +0000

I have to disagree with some of the people who say that the man who said ‘one-in, one-out’ wasn’t capable of being a good friend. In a way, he’s putting a very high value on friendship: he’s saying he’s not even willing to commit to being your friend unless he has the amount of time he feels is appropriate to spend on building a friendship, either because his involvement with someone else has waned, or because of some other change in his life. After recently watching a good friend make herself sick because she was spending more time keeping dates with friends than taking care of her own life, I have to say he might be a bit doctrinaire and socially inept, but he’s not actually bad. IF he’d just said something like “Well, I’ve a lot of commitments right now, but I hope we’ll be able to stay in touch.” and then had contacted her a few months later to schedule a get-together, would it have been so bad?

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:21:17 +0000

I do find that the longer I live away from my hometown that it becomes harder to stay in touch with friends who still live there. Some I talk to just often enough (every few months or so for most, or weekly but very short conversations in the case of one) but there are some who have become very demanding of my time and I have to say I don’t like it. I want to say, as others have mentioned here, I have a full life and friends here! And I totally agree that one high-drama friend is more than enough. Luckily most of my high-drama friends were also toxic friends and I’ve managed to quietly drop them over the years. I am struggling with one friend right now who (although she hasn’t done anything overtly horrible to me) I have come to believe is very selfish. So she’s kind of gradually gone from friend to acquaintance.

By: All web resource stuff » The Simple Dollar Weekly Roundup: Spring Break Edition

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 05:44:42 +0000

[...] Should The One-In, One-Out Rule Apply to Friends? This is an utterly fascinating rumination on the number of friendships a person can sustain and the “one in, one out” rule that’s very useful in keeping a good grip on the number of possessions you accumulate. (@ unclutterer) [...]

By: catmom

catmom — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 03:33:36 +0000

Java Monster,

I was like you, an introvert and still am to a certain extent, but I’m working on improving myself. Like you said, there are many reasons people may have trouble developing friendships, I’ve been down that road too. Along those same lines from my experience, just when I was getting to know someone, they move away, leave the company we worked together at, started attending another church, just to name a few examples. Maybe that could have been a reason for me not to make new friends, when it happened so many times, eventually it was like “what’s the use?” My mother was like yours, she thought I should have been socializing everyday of the week and wondering why I didn’t have a plethora of friends (this was back in high school and my early adult life).

To MB,

I echo your thoughts. Like you, I’m lucky to have time to see the friends I currently have, but I’ll be open to new friendships.

You both sound like good people and I wish you the best in life!

By: Marie

Marie — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 17:04:50 +0000

I think there is a time for every friendship. Some outlast others, and have proven themselves over time. I’m sure that each of us have a few like that, and it’s doubtful those friends will go anywhere. Our focus on who we spend time with may change, and our best friends might even welcome some space from us from time to time.

The worst thing to do to a friend, though, is to hang onto them for dear life when your values have changed significantly to the point you have nothing in common. You are not married to them and are under no obligation to “grow together” again. If you can work to revive the friendship, great, but if you can’t, let them go, with your blessing. Who knows? Maybe in 10 years, they’ll look you up again and you’ll hit it off.

By: MB

MB — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:11:24 +0000

I can definitely relate to this on some level. Not to the extreme of the ‘one in, one out’, but I don’t necessarily go looking for new friends.

A dear friend was telling me about a group the other day, that I could go to and how I could ‘meet other moms, new friends’. I commented that I am having a hard enough time keeping up with the close friends that I already have and that I prefer to make more time for them, as opposed to spreading myself even further around new people. She totally understood. We have been friends for a long time. We have several close friends in our own neighborhood that we rarely see and I would prefer to nurture close relationships than seek out new ones.

This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy meeting new people. I do. I LOVE meeting new people. But, I’m not going to go out of my way to get their phone number or exchange email addresses or the like. I’m happy simply being an acquaintance in a lot of instances, so I have more time for the close friends I already have and dearly love and don’t have nearly as much time with as I would like.

By: me

me — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:34:32 +0000

I just can’t believe we reached this line.

By: The Simple Dollar » The Simple Dollar Weekly Roundup: Spring Break Edition

The Simple Dollar » The Simple Dollar Weekly Roundup: Spring Break Edition — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:00:59 +0000

By: Paco

Paco — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:10:04 +0000

Maybe parents should do this with their children? Sorry, can’t have another until one leaves home or is eaten by wolves.

*rolls eyes*

By: joel

joel — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:41:17 +0000

This is insane.

By: Simon

Simon — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 11:07:10 +0000

All I would say is you should do what most satisfies you with your time. If you feel you are spending too much time along then invest in a new friend. If you too busy to think… pencil some time in your diary to be alone.

Probably thinking too much about number of friends is just replacing clutter in your life with clutter in your head.

By: Tania

Tania — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 05:26:12 +0000

My friends will never be clutter to me. They uplift, not inconvenience my life. And I have a lot, way more than the numbers given in that article. I am blessed and I love my friends and they love me.

This is a weird concept to me.

By: Michele

Michele — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:57:46 +0000

It is COMPLETELY false that on-line friends cannot be real friends! I developed a friendship with a group of ~20 via a wedding planning message board, and years later most of us are still in touch.

It’s true that we are too wide-spread for frequent face time, but we schedule yearly weekend getaways together and put together group support for life events (like baby gifts). One member of our group suffered a serious illness last year, and two others flew out to be with her during her rehabilitation.

Long distance friends are still friends, however you met them originally.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 20:31:53 +0000

I am totally fascinated by this concept! I don’t think I’m a one-in, one-out person but I do believe in culling cluttering friendships. My die-hard rule is that when it comes to friends, it’s almost a “WIIFM” (what’s in it for me) attitude. I don’t mean that harshly, rather, I mean that if a friendship has become difficult, trying, stressful, one-sided!, frustrating to maintain, then it’s time for it to go. If I’m not getting out of it what I’m putting into it, I re-evaluate. I have enough difficult relationships in my life that I have no control over – annoying coworkers, dysfunctional family, issues with in-laws, demanding bosses, etc., – that I don’t need to throw friendships on that pile. Friends are to be enjoyed, not serviced. Some friends are worth the extra effort when the need arises – I’m not referencing those here. The friendships I’m talking about would fall into the outer circles mostly, altho, thru the years I have had to put the brakes on relationships I thought were “BFF!” So sad… but here’s a sticky for you: I recently discovered Facebook and altho I’m enjoying the reconnection w/old friends & acquaintances, it’s already gotten to the point of being out of control. I want this to be a mechanism for me to touch base w/others & keep them updated on me, but I’ve fallen into the guilt of friending people I would normally not pursue a true one-on-one relationship with. It’s time to cull the friend list but, so far, I’ve not had the heart (or the guts) to do it…

By: Ryan

Ryan — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 10:24:18 +0000

This really reminds me of the (if I remember correctly) Buddhist saying that before you put something into the box, you should take something out. And although I’m not spiritual, I am philosophical and this is sound philosophy.
What it comes down to is priorities. I think we mostly naturally regulate our friendships. There is still that human need to socialize, and I think we generally find people we get along with best and with whom we satisfy most of that need with. Like staple foods there are staple friends. However, though we are social, but we can’t spend all of our time socializing. Only a certain portion of our lives can be spent doing social things. How big that portion is depends on your priorities. Scarcity means choice. Friendships are use it or lose it. If you leave them for too long, you will eventually drift apart. There’s nothing sad about it (well unless it’s unrequited friendship, but I’ll leave that alone). It’s just two people going there ways. There are many past friends that I’ve had that I know I’ll never be good friends with again. Once, in college, when a new roommate moved in we each said flat out that we both had too many friends to see regularly as is and weren’t looking for another. There were no hard feelings–we were just being realistic.